Lost that lovin' feeling quickly after separation...is that common?

[ncfc1]

How common is it to completely lose feelings of love and attraction for your spouse during separation, especially when you were the one that was most actively trying to keep the two of you together before separation?

 

I apologize if I ramble on, but I'll try to summarize the situation as succinctly as possible.

 

My wife and I have been separated for just over a month after she decided to move out. We've been growing apart for the past three or four years (been together for 15 years, married for 9, no kids), partly because of my career but mostly (from my perspective) because of her depression or mood disorder. She absolutely refused to see a doctor or psychiatrist, despite my suggestions/requests over the past few years and more recently my pleas for us to get her help. She continues to say that she can "fix it herself." Her family has experienced her mood swings and withdrawal over the past few years but didn't say anything. Her parents have recently joined me in their requests that she seek professional help with no better results than I have had.

 

About six months ago she began spending much more time with new friends after a few years of being more of a loner and homebody. I thought that the new social interaction was a positive influence and was supportive of her going out with friends. She soon began to dress differently and wear much more makeup than she had in the past. Then I found out that she was calling and texting a guy about ten to fifteen times a day. When confronted she said they were just friends. I don't have any evidence to the contrary, but they are certainly having an "emotional affair."

 

No need to go into too many details (it is a common story). I immediately expressed my uncomfortableness with her guy friend. I tried to be understanding but was soon becoming very angry because she began keeping secrets and lying to me about this relationship. Her response is that she had a "right" to have guy friends. I would respond that she is correct, but this relationship she had started was much more than just friends. Soon she fell into a predictable routine. She would call at 6 pm to tell me that she was stopping by the store on the way home and then wouldn't get home until 12:30 or 1 am. Then she told me after coming home very late one morning (5 am) that she hadn't been where she told me she would be but "fell asleep" at his house. I expressed to her how much her lies and emotional attachment to this guy hurt me and if she were in my position she would feel exactly the same way. She profusely apologized but didn't change her behavior. The late nights continued. Soon she wasn't even calling to tell me that she wasn't coming home directly after work.

 

This went on for a few more weeks with some nasty confrontations but also good heart-to-heart talks. I recognized that we had been growing apart but knew that we could "reconnect" if we made the effort. She told me that she "wasn't in love with me anymore" and felt that I had abandoned her during her depression. Communication was never as strong in our relationship as it should have been, but we had been together for 14 years without any major issues. I repeatedly expressed to her that if we could improve our communication tools and stop taking each other for granted that we could weather this storm.

 

The lying and secrets continued and she didn't come home one night. At that point I told her that we needed to seek counseling. She resisted at first but then agreed.

 

We saw a couples therapist once or twice a week for just over a month. Our therapist provided a lot of good support to both of us that depression can truly be traumatic and devastating to a marriage. She also immediately recognized that my wife had "one foot in our relationship and one foot out." The therapist told my wife that it was not fair to me to continue this way and that my wife would have to make a decision to try and work on our marriage and cut off any contact with this other person or completely move on.

 

We had some good sessions and some bad ones. The therapist didn't bring up the "decision" that my wife needed to make. I let it alone, instead working toward paying more attention to my wife and being the loving husband that she had known. In the course of our talks (both "on the couch" and off), my wife expressed that she didn't love me anymore and that if staying in a long-term relationship took this much work than she would rather be alone the rest of her life. How do you respond to that?

 

Anyway, we had talked about separation but I was against it because I knew that our personalities would lead us to go into our own corners and not reach out to one another once we no longer spent so much time together. Living together at this time was hell (I slept in the guest bedroom for two months), but I truly felt that we didn't have a chance if we didn't at least have the time together at the house. Our therapist agreed with my take on the situation.

 

Then my wife didn't come home at all again one night. No call. No excuse. Nothing. When I asked her where she had been she wouldn't respond at all. I told her that she wasn't respecting me or our marriage and reminded her that in our first session our therapist had told her that she needed to make a decision. So I felt my only recourse was to ask my wife to stop all contact with this guy and dedicate herself to working on our relationship or find somewhere else to live. She chose to find somewhere else to live.

 

It took her 3 weeks to find a friend to move in with. She doesn't have the financial wherewithal to rent an apartment (I've been the primary provider for the past five to six years because her depression kept her from meaningfully pursuing a career). I was as kind and understanding as I could be, but also firm. I didn't want her living out of her car or staying in a bad part of town, but I didn't want to be a doormat either. It was during this period that she severely burned her bridges with her parents after they offered twice for her to stay with them.

 

Anyway--and I apologize for going on and on--it has been a little over a month and in the last few weeks I've slowly lost all of my feelings for my wife. I'm not attracted to the person she's become physically or intellectually. During our turmoil I cried every day and the pain I felt was nearly unbearable. I could remember all the things about her that I was going to miss. Now I can't think of one thing about her that I miss.

 

Was I lying to myself in the past about how much I loved her? Have I recently hardened myself to the pain so much that I've completely shut down and am currently deluding myself about how I truly feel about her?

 

I've made an appointment with a colleague of our therapist to talk this through but I am very curious if anyone else has gone through such a dramatic and quick change in feelings toward an estranged spouse. I've gone from absolute heartbreak about losing her to spending over an hour having a nice conversation with my wife and not finding anything attractive or interesting about her.

 

I know that I've made some mistakes in my marriage (not communicating enough or showing more affection), but I truly felt that I loved my wife and thought she was my soulmate. This sudden loss of love for her is very much confusing me.

 

Is this common or something I should be concerned about?

[LakesideDream]

Ncfc1, First, welcome to LS, 'lotta good people here.

 

As to your question. The last year of my 25 year marriage was the "quiet before the storm", not a single argument. I didn't know that her and her long term BF were "biding" their time until their plans could come to fruition.

 

During that "no conflict" year, I did all I could to "be in love" and "feel in love" with my then wife. In hindsight I was trying to lead by example and be the best most loving husband I could be in order to solidify my marriage. She had other idea's.

 

Soon after she moved out, (to be with her BF) all my "good feelings" for her faded in short order. In just a few weeks I had no interest in her whatever. I had no desire, or ability to maintain emotional ties with her.

 

Don't feel guilty for your loss of emotions, it happens to many of us.

[redblack66]

Actually, you are lucky if you have lost your emotions. Otherwise, it could be hell.

[ncfc1]

Thank you for replying, LakesideDream and redblack66. Your welcome of me to the community is very much appreciated. I've been reading posts for a week or so now and it is quite refreshing to find a resource such as LS and a community of truly caring people to support one another.

 

Just writing out my situation and questions made me feel better. And your replies added to my growing sense of peace.

 

My concern now is if she wants to reconcile. If my emotions for her have truly left then I will become the spouse that wants to move on.

 

Guess I can't worry too much about that because she may never want to reconcile. Just take a day at a time.

 

Thanks again.

[cj1988]

hello ! Like he said you are lucky. Most people in your case hang on to a lie and maintain distress instead of looking at the real facts and moving on. You will always love her, but sometimes too much pain causes wounds that just wont heal no matter what !

 

Good luck and I hope you find happiness again one day, you sound like a great guy !

[Nightwolf_58]

I kind of sounds like to me like you have moved on from your relationship and that is a great thing really because everything won't hurt as much anymore. I wouldn't feel guilty or anything. I'm in a silimiar situation and wish I could find those emotions not to love anymore.

[ncfc1]

Thanks cj and nightwolf. Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.

 

This week has been up and down. Feelings of sorrow have crept into my heart, mostly a sense of loss. Is that acceptance? Which of the greiving steps is acceptance? God I hope it's the last one. Denial, anger, and bargaining I've done in spades. Have I missed any?

 

I'm spending a lot of time at work and in the pool swimming (both good things). Was kind of costing at the office over the past few months and it helps to dive back in and really do a good job. I lost about 20-30 pounds when she was putting me through hell and now I want to take advantage of the one good thing that's come from this mess and keep the weight off and tone up.

 

My wife is supposed to stop by the house this weekend to pick up a few things. She has rented a room in a house and doesn't have a lot of space or need for kitchen stuff. I'm really thinking about hitting the road with my camera to capture some fall leaves pictures but wonder if I should be here when she picks up some things.

 

I trust her in regard to basic stuff like this and she hasn't done anything to make me reconsider that trust. I really don't want to see her this weekend but want to watch out for myself too. Any input?

[T L]

Can you arrange for a friend (maybe a mutual friend you both trust) to be at home instead?

 

Thats probably what I am going to do when my W picks up the rest of her stuff.

[GreenEyedLady]

How common is it to completely lose feelings of love and attraction for your spouse during separation, especially when you were the one that was most actively trying to keep the two of you together before separation? Is this common or something I should be concerned about?

 

I don't know if it's common, but here's my experience...I mourned the end of my M when I was still married...and once I was separated, it was like I was free...I didn't love my XH at all...and I was not tempted to stay...

[ncfc1]

GreenEyedLady: Were you the one that wanted out of your marriage to begin with or was it you H who initiated the separation?

[lostboy60645]

Hey there. Glad to see you're returning to LS and participating. It's a great place to get some perspective, even if you don't relate to/don't agree with the posts.

 

Being a sex addict who compulsively masturbated myself into divorce, among other things, I have to ask--what did you do to stay sexually satisfied?

 

It's not a pornographic question. I'm not asking for details. I just am curious about it because I've found that masturbation alone, without 'cheating', can lead to marital strife and even to divorce.

 

No, I'm not suggesting you're even half of the fault in what's happened here. I'm just coming from the perspective of someone who did that compulsively and it affected my marriage negatively.

 

Although I didn't admit it above, the prostitutes also lead to the demise of my marriage, but I'm not delusional about the masturbating thing--it's been almost 18 months since I've looked at porn, masturbated, or been with a prostitute. Needless to say, once I disclosed all of my antics to my EW, she still wanted a divorce. That finalized a few weeks ago.

 

Good luck

 

LB

[ncfc1]

lostboy: Through the depression that my wife was battling for several years her sex drive was greatly diminished. Of course I masturbated, but we would have sex somewhat regularly (and she would perform oral when she wasn't in the mood). It got to the point that I felt that I was forcing myself on her even if we made love once a month. I have to say that our sex life was not fulfilling for me, but the underlying problem was her depression. During counseling I expressed this feeling and my wife told me that she understood that her lack of desire would naturally cause me to masturbate rather than ask her to do something that she didn't want to do. There might be more to this, but I don't think so. Neither did our therapist. Most of our problems come back to our inability to get my wife professional help to address her depression (my translation: here refusal to get professional help).

 

I think it was Gunny376 in another thread that posted a link to Michelle Langley's site about the rise of infidelity by women (http://womensinfidelity.com/) and it describes a lot of what I think my wife is experiencing. Thank you, Gunny.

 

Thank you also, lostboy, for posting.

[ncfc1]

I'd appreciate any input about a development in my situation.

 

It's been about a month and a half since my wife moved out (see my original post for the gory details). We've only talked about once a week since then and I've been trying to practice "tough love" and moving on, even though I'm not at all sure that I want our marriage to end. Anyway, she called last night and asked if I would be at the house today so she could pick up her mail and that we "should talk."

 

When she arrived we had a good conversation for about half an hour. Nothing about "us" was discussed, just day-to-day stuff. When she asked how I've been doing I responded that "I've been keeping busy." She told me about how she is looking for a new job because she needs more money and how her truck needed work and she would need to put the repairs on her credit card.

 

After a few minutes of her talking about her money/job issues, during which she became visibly upset (crying), I asked if she had had any time to think about how shef feels about our relationship. She said she pretty much feels the same as she did before we separated and thinks she said then all that there was to say. Then she asked me how I felt and I told her that I'm not sure; some days I want us to work things out and other days I just want to move on.

 

She then told me that only reason that she wanted to talk is so that we can formalize our separation to start the divorce process. Based on my response to her question about how I feel she said that maybe it is too soon to talk about our marriage/divorce. I told her that in our state there is no such thing as a formal separation and that the only document that we could pursue is a separation agreement to assign bills and property, which we already did verbally before she moved out. And I agreed that it might be too soon to talk about us.

 

This is the point in the conversation that confuses me: she got very, very irritated, quickly grabbed some of her things that were still in the house. She was soon throwing her mail and slamming doors. I asked what was wrong and she told me that she didn't want to talk about money anymore. I wanted to talk some more but she made a statement about not deserving my help (or any help, I can't remember exactly what she said).

 

She left the house to go to her parents but quickly returned, saying she forgot some sweaters. I asked her why she got so upset and she told me that it wasn't my problem. She said a few times that leaving was her decision and that she would figure something out, even though she doesn't have anyone to turn to for help. I said that I wished that I could help her but didn't think she would accept my help. She said that it would be wrong of her to come to me for money help (I'm assuming because she is the one leaving our marriage). I then asked "What if I wanted to help?" She just looked at me and shook her head "no."

 

All during this second conversation she was throwing clothes into plastic bags and rushing to get out of the house. As she passed me in the kitchen she said "I'll talk to you soon" and slammed the door as she left. Then she squealed the tires as she drove away very quickly.

 

What the hell is going on? Do you think her behavior is a result of the ramifications of her decision to leave our marriage are sinking in? Am i being a dense man and not recognizing something I said as insenstive? Is this a normal result of the tough love strategy?

 

I'm really trying not to beat myself up about her behavior, but I am very confused. Is it something that I did? Or maybe worse did I do something that might run counter to the "tough love" strategy?

 

Thanks for listening.

[bestadvisor]

One thing is obvious, she starts to realize that her relationship with another guy (if there is one, which is very possible) is not as great as she thought. She definately needs money and she is definately not getting it from this other guy. She's mad at herself, but she can't be mad at herself for too long (maybe she's selfish or other reason) so she express her anger toward the door slamming, you, etc.

 

Do you want her back? Please don't confuse my question with "do you still have feelings for her?"

[ncfc1]

bestadvisor: Do I want her back? I really don't know at this point. Some days my answer is yes. Others the answer is no. I'm seeing a therapist to help me work through my uncertainty. My answer today is that she hasn't yet put forward an effort to save our fourteen-year relationship and I would like a chance to see if we can reconnect. But she needs to come to me, admit that she's done wrong, and tell me she wants to try and work things out. I'm not going to beg. It may never happen.

My stance of playing it cool until she comes to me isn't childish, is it?

[bestadvisor]

You have mentioned her new friends and you've mentioned her staying out late and sometimes not even coming home untillt he next day. Is there another man? What do you know about him?

[Alexandra]

In answer to your initial question about the reaction that seems to not be aplicable anymore, your apparent complete loss of feelings was just a defense mechanism. As you can tell now, it hasn't stayed the same over the weeks, it hasn't been a severing clean cut.

 

As a rule it's always for the better for people to allow themselves the respite to go through the grieving process properly. It will be defined as many strange phases from extreme pain to denial and sometimes to apparent complete lack of feelings. Some people manage to keep that stance for long enough for the healing phase to kick in and those are the people that think of themselves as emotionally strong and may appear hardened and so on. But I digress.

 

You're asking what to make of her behavior now or whether there is a chance for you two? If it's the former, IMO her strange set of reactions are all about her needing the money and feeling bad for having to ask for it. The "I don't deserve it/you" part may mean anything from remorse to a tad of emotional blackmail to get the expected result out of you so I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you. Does she stand to win any money if a divorce takes place? How badly does she need them?

 

These may seem like cold, even crude questions but it seems to me you may have lapsed in the phase where you mourn your relationship and would do what you can to restore it, hence would not be able to see things the same way your wife does. Try and imagine this whole episode had happened the day you started the thread. How would you have interpreted it then?

 

Best of luck to you in figuring it and most importantly yourself out.

[ncfc1]

To answer your questions: Yes, there was another man (see my original post). I know it was an emotional affair, but may have progressed to a full physical affair. Don't know and don't really care. Am of the opinion that an EA is the same and in some ways more hurtful than a sexual affair.

 

At this point I think her relationship with the OM has either been ended or dramatically curtailed. Don't have anything more than circumstantial evidence to support this. I know a little bit about this guy and he doesn't have the ability to help my wife financially.

[ncfc1]

Thank you for your thoughts on my situation. Yes, I certainly beyond the lack of feeling that I was experiencing when I first posted this thread. That said, I'm not overwhelmed with feelings of love or attraction when my wife and I spend time together.

 

If I put myself in the mindset of when I first posted on LS, I would say that her behavior today is a result of her depression/mood disorder. She has said for the past four months that she has overcome her depression of the past few years and denies any mental disorder and she may be right. Her need to get out of our marriage may have been so great that her actions exhibit the symptoms of mood disorder. Either way she refuses to see a therapist or psychiatrist (claiming she doesn't feel the need and also that she doesn't have the money).

 

To answer your question about financial assets that she might gain through divorce: we don't have much and never have. The state we live in has equal distribution divorce laws and she'd get half the equity in our house and that's about it.

 

I think that a lot of the money issues are tied to her sense of identity. She doesn't have a career and just doesn't know what she wants to do professionally. I tried to help her in this regard and supported her when she started her own business and assumed the debt when that business failed.

 

She has a lot of unrealistic expectations about life and in a lot of ways is thinking and acting like an 18-year-old girl, not a 43-year-old woman. IMO these expectations are most out of touch with reality in regard to career and marriage. She seems to think that they should just come easily to her without much hard work. I've worked my ass off to get where I am professionally and know that it takes just as much work to keep a long-term relationship healthy.

 

---interruption---

While I was posting this reply she called to apologize for getting upset and angry at me today. Again said it wasn't my problem and that she'd work it out on her own. Then she quickly got off the phone.

---end interruption---

 

Anyway, I don't know how much I can do for someone with unrealistic expectations of life. Right now all I can do is what's best for myself and let her figure things out, even if that means we end up divorcing.

 

Thank you for your post, Alexandra.

[Alexandra]

No need to thank me. It's a pleasure writing to you.

 

I'll be blunt. In my opinion the whole "no need to bother, I'll work it out on my own" is pure victim act and a trial at manipulation. I wouldn't be able to tell whether or not this is conscious thought process, but it makes little difference either way. In terms of this one thing all you need to determine on your own is whether or not you want to help her financially now and if you want to and are able to sustain such help in the future. I don't think you should mix them (e.g. this particular situation where she needs money with the topic of your relationship) as she obviously does now.

 

Also, while it's admirable that you're still concerned about her mental state (not too bad of diagnosis skills there, have you had this from professionals or concluded these things yourself, btw?), it is maybe time that you wonder whether it is still your job to know what's wrong with her and actively or quietly wish that it gets fixed.

 

All in all I'd say that you are doing spectacularly well in terms of clear headedness in assessing the situation as well as in progressing in the process of detachment. The one element that would worry me a tad is that you seem to not have gone through an anger period and as such it may still be around the corner. With that said, you do seem to be doing remarkably well. I think that you're rationally convinced that this separation is the best thing and yet you are quite naturally still emotionally attached to a degree.

 

What's your plan for yourself? You can do a lot to focus on yourself both physically and emotionally and that typically helps in that it provides clarity and strength.

 

Thank you for your thoughts on my situation.

[ncfc1]

Alexandra,

 

Your statement suggesting that I need to determine whether or not I want to help her financially while trying not to consider our present emotional situation seems easy for me to answer: If her intent is to keep moving toward divorce, I won't help her. In fact, it was probably insincere of me to suggest that I help her with money because in my mind I was using my help as a bargaining chip to bring her back to the marriage. She probably sees this quite clearly. I would help my wife as much as I can, but not my STBXW.

 

Thank you for the compliment on the diagnosis skills—the thoughts about her identity and life expectation issues come from my observations. Some of the phrases that you turned in your post make me think that you are a mental health professional. But then again, I imagine that many people who belong to the LS community are fluent in psychobabble

 

I'm glad that you think that I'm doing okay considering the circumstances. My therapist seems to agree with you. I hear what you are saying about not yet experiencing the anger stage. Before we separated and she was actively flaunting her emotional affair without regard for my feelings I grappled with anger toward her and the OM. I've been down the route of revenge on the OM many years ago (a college girlfriend) and know that it doesn't feel as good as you think it will. But I have a feeling that the anger that you are referring to is something else completely. My best hope is that I find that I don't want to salvage my marriage and move on before any true anger sets in. Of course resentment is anger's close relative and I have a whole bunch of resentment bubbling just below the surface.

 

There isn't really a plan for myself. I've been exercising daily for the first time in a few years and eating better than I had during the emotional turmoil before our separation. Right now I'm trying to make our house "mine" as much as possible without doing anything too drastic in case we move toward reconciliation (and since she is only renting a room a lot of her stuff is still here). I love my job and I've refocused a lot of my energy there. Luckily, putting in the extra effort feels more like play than work. I've also been spending some more time with my family, which I haven't done in a while.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[redblack66]

To answer your questions: Yes, there was another man (see my original post). I know it was an emotional affair, but may have progressed to a full physical affair. Don't know and don't really care. Am of the opinion that an EA is the same and in some ways more hurtful than a sexual affair.

EA can be a complete disaster from my experience.

 

At this point I think her relationship with the OM has either been ended or dramatically curtailed. Don't have anything more than circumstantial evidence to support this. I know a little bit about this guy and he doesn't have the ability to help my wife financially.

 

I am in a similar situation, except that the OM is in the picture.

Just disconnect as much as you can from your spouse. This is what I am learning through pain.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Alexandra.

Your WW is all over the place, and really... she's still self-absorbed. Not saying it's on purpose, but what she's doing is more likely to be about HER rather than you.

 

Actions speak louder than words. By her actions, she's not ready to address the issues.

[Alexandra]

Your statement suggesting that I need to determine whether or not I want to help her financially while trying not to consider our present emotional situation seems easy for me to answer: If her intent is to keep moving toward divorce, I won't help her. In fact, it was probably insincere of me to suggest that I help her with money because in my mind I was using my help as a bargaining chip to bring her back to the marriage. She probably sees this quite clearly. I would help my wife as much as I can, but not my STBXW.

 

There you have it then. Very honest self analysis as well. Admirable. So do not then, not while it's a chip and not if you don't intend to keep the contributions flowing.

 

Now that you've taken the manifestation out of the equation and recognize that her actions on this particular topic don't really hold earth shattering clues, are you left with wondering whether or not she wants a divorce? Is that the question you're mincing? Granted, it's a valid point of wonder but I do believe you may benefit from figuring that answer out internally first. What do you want? Don't hurry it, take your time to find out but allow yourself to condition the final resolution on the time it takes you not her. In other words, be your own deadline.

 

Thank you for the compliment on the diagnosis skills—the thoughts about her identity and life expectation issues come from my observations. Some of the phrases that you turned in your post make me think that you are a mental health professional. But then again, I imagine that many people who belong to the LS community are fluent in psychobabble

 

Perfectly right! Many LS regulars are far more astute of communicators than most of us shrinks! Well spotted though.

 

My best hope is that I find that I don't want to salvage my marriage and move on before any true anger sets in.

 

I'm not fond of betting but my farm would be on that happening exactly as described. The emphasis on "I don't want to" is just what I was talking about before. I do think you can take the reigns of this and make a decision for yourself sooner or later, wouldn't you agree?

 

There isn't really a plan for myself. I've been exercising daily for the first time in a few years and eating better than I had during the emotional turmoil before our separation. Right now I'm trying to make our house "mine" as much as possible without doing anything too drastic in case we move toward reconciliation (and since she is only renting a room a lot of her stuff is still here). I love my job and I've refocused a lot of my energy there. Luckily, putting in the extra effort feels more like play than work. I've also been spending some more time with my family, which I haven't done in a while.

 

That sure sounds like a plan to me. Pretty soon you will probably add the idea of dating to it and it will be the picture of a well rounded existence in which this was just a stepping stone towards bigger, better things.

 

I'm in agreement with Alexandra.

Your WW is all over the place, and really... she's still self-absorbed. Not saying it's on purpose, but what she's doing is more likely to be about HER rather than you.

 

Actions speak louder than words. By her actions, she's not ready to address the issues.

 

I agree back. However, I think you may be placing more hope in her future behavior that I do. You're saying "still self-absorbed", I read the other posts as that having almost always been the case, hence I didn't consider that it may change without pursuing an end purpose.

 

With all that said, I have to make it very clear that while I strongly suggest you put all of your efforts in getting clarity in what it is that YOU want to do about this and about YOUR future, I am not trying to persuade you to leave your wife no matter what. Far from it. I do hope you don't interpret it as such.

[ncfc1]

Thank you Alexandra and LadyJane. It's only been a month and a half since my wife left, and I know that I can look forward to more emotional surprises as we move forward, wherever that path may lead us. But I very much appreciate your input during this latest twist in my sad story. Will let you know if there are any new developments of interest.