What the F**K..is she worth it....marriage i mean..

[jr650s]

aight i know half of you dont give a F**k what im sayin in these next few lines but for me this is some serious ****, im in love with a girl ive been with her 17 months now and to me she is almost perfect...bitchy sometimes but i can certainly handle her, but one thing i cannot handle is to know how many men she has been with before me...i swear the day she told me just how many and the people they were it just ****ed everything up...being that i had dated several virgins in my time i guess i could say i expected more of her..still its 15 guys before me....thats a F**kin group of guys...personally it makes me sick to my stomach half the time i dont wanna touch her...but half the time i wanna F**k her brains out...I know im a head case but seriously is it just me or would the rest of you be bothered by this...i really honestly cant talk to her about it with out getting so damn pissed off...yes i know its jealousy but what can i say...i have even pictured her gettin F**ked by other guys...and trust me its F**kin with me bad...when tryin g to talk to her about it its as if she blows it off and says it upsets her to talk about it...im considering marrying this girl she says she loves me says im the best thing since BLOW...j/k... you get the idea of what im sayin here...its holding me back because i know all the details and it F**king haunts me she talked to me about it like i was one of her best friends and im sure we all know how girls go into detail about why they F**ked this guy or that guy...it even go into interracial and i dont give a **** what any of you say once they go black i dont want em...not just once but twice...and for me to go into details is gonna make it worse...the bitch even cheated on her ex and told me what she did....im a very very good lookin guy i get looks from other girls all the time and i see my self wondering just how many guys they F**ked...because to me it means there a dirty whore if its anywhere past 4 by the way shes only 20 years old i met her when she was 19...however theres more you gotta know...ive been with somking hot girls who had the self respect not to F**k around....ive even thought of gettin out there an stickin my dick in anything i can get till i feel im even with her...i guess id feel better....yeah trust me i know im screwed up...but im just being real....im not fake and i will tell you this im come out an tell her this is bothering me...and it doesnt get settled...because it cant and that why im here trying to get more peoples ideas about what im thinkin here...sorry for the Freakin book i wrote i have just been dealing with this for a very long time.

[tomwiz]

its pretty simple, if you can't deal with her past and are going to hold it against her, end it.

 

I've heard it once and it resounds true unless you are a massochist "more mystery, less history"

[jr650s]

this girl gave her life and family up for me she left everything behind...for me....she left Pennsylvania and he very very uncaring family up for me i have been there for her thru everything and i will not just give up on her...thats why im here...i need to know how to get past this its driving me nuts..im putting the girl thru college to start a career that she has wanted so badly..and her family did nothing but hold her back...truthfully she is a sweetheart...and like i said almost perfect....its just this one damn thing....her an i are like best friend we talk on levels that i never ever could with any of my ex's and she means the ****ing world to me....and like i keep saying its just that one flaw....

[reboot]

Were you a virgin before her?

[jr650s]

no i wasnt a virgin before her but my number of women i have slept with is certainly lower than hers im figuring about 8..but these are relationships that lasted awhile she has had people that where sleeping with her just to make her feel popular she started at the age of 13 and it hurts me in more ways than i can describe...im talking mabey 1 day the guy hangs out wit hher pressues her and she never hears from them again

[reboot]

So it's a numbers game? You were promiscuous also, but she was more promiscuous? That's pretty shallow don't you think? Ever read that line in the Bible that says something about people without sin casting the first stone? I'm not religious, but it sure seems to fit here.

 

What she did before you is the past. What she does since you is the present and the future.

 

I'm not necessarily saying that there's something wrong with you because it bothers you, it's probably a typical (1950s) male attitude. I am saying if you can't get past it let her go so she can find someone who can.

[Cobra_X30]

no i wasnt a virgin before her but my number of women i have slept with is certainly lower than hers im figuring about 8..but these are relationships that lasted awhile she has had people that where sleeping with her just to make her feel popular she started at the age of 13 and it hurts me in more ways than i can describe...im talking mabey 1 day the guy hangs out wit hher pressues her and she never hears from them again

 

Hey, While everyone else tells you that what you feel is wrong and to just get over it.

 

I understand where your coming from! I know this bugs the crap out of you for several big reasons.

 

Look, girls like this sleep around because they dont value themselves. Thus they let men treat them like trash.

 

Now here your stupid butt is treating a girl like gold, when she lets every other guy treat her like garbage. Do you think she values you for the way you treat her? Or do you think she will take advantage of you and leave?

[Tripper]

Sorry for your pain.. I've been there myself.

 

how many men she has been with before me...i swear the day she told me just how many and the people they were it just

 

I must ask, tho'.. how did this come up? Did she volunteer the info or did you ask. That's why a "don't ask, don't tell" policy is best. Rehashing the past doesn't do much.

 

ive even thought of gettin out there an stickin my dick in anything i can get till i feel im even with her...i guess id feel better....

 

Yeah, it'll make you feel better for about 30 sec. This isn't about getting even. This is about compassion and understanding human frailty.

 

First a couple of things to think about..

a) people are human and make mistakes.. have regrets, change and grow. I'm sure she's not proud of her numbers and may have a self esteem problem that led her to use sex as a form of acceptance considering she came from a bad family situation.

b) You can't undo the past.. only learn from it and hopefully not repeat the mistakes.

c) she made a decision to be with you even tho' it meant leaving her home state and family. Obviously she considers you to be very special and would like to change her life and start one with you.

d) Going forward, if you get married how loyal do you think she will be with to you? I dated a woman who married her first bf. She ended up screwing around on him because she hadn't been with anyone else and was curious about having sex with other men. In your case while it's hurtful to consider her past, she probably has a pretty good idea of what she wants in a husband and will be tremendously loyal. I know this sounds skewed but think about it.

e) If you decide to marry this woman do it for the right reasons. You not only love her, but you respect her as a human being. Yeah, she made mistakes but has she become a better person. And marriage is more than about love. It's about a mutually supportive relationship and a partnership.

 

Last thing. Consider getting some therapy to better understand yourself and help you get by this. You may also find getting prescribed for SSRI meds will help you deal with the feelings of jealousy and irrational thoughts.

 

Good luck as from what you've said about her she is a gem otherwise, and believe me, women like that are hard to find.

[Tripper]

no i wasnt a virgin before her but my number of women i have slept with is certainly lower than hers im figuring about 8..but these are relationships that lasted awhile she has had people that where sleeping with her just to make her feel popular she started at the age of 13 and it hurts me in more ways than i can describe...im talking mabey 1 day the guy hangs out wit hher pressues her and she never hears from them again

 

Gotta ask... what number would make you happy?? Same as you? Less than you??

 

See what I mean?? You've both slept with other people. 8 vs 15; some would say this is promiscuous some would say not. And this is a complex issue as it revolves around moral values and beliefs. Heck if you can sleep with 1 person prior to getting married why not be able to sleep with 100.. Whats the diff??

[reservoirdog1]

It comes down to this.

 

If you want to be with her, or marry her, you need to accept the "notches on her belt" and shut the f*** up about it.

 

What she did, and who she did, and how many, before you were in the picture has nothing to do with the here and now (as long as she's STD-free). She doesn't owe you an explanation or an apology for choices she made before you. They were her choices. Period. And, from my POV, you don't have the right to interrogate her about those choices.

 

Either let it go, or find a girl who hasn't slept with more than 4 guys.

[Cobra_X30]

It comes down to this.

 

If you want to be with her, or marry her, you need to accept the "notches on her belt" and shut the f*** up about it.

 

What she did, and who she did, and how many, before you were in the picture has nothing to do with the here and now (as long as she's STD-free). She doesn't owe you an explanation or an apology for choices she made before you. They were her choices. Period. And, from my POV, you don't have the right to interrogate her about those choices.

 

Either let it go, or find a girl who hasn't slept with more than 4 guys.

 

Thats foolish! Who is going to ignore the absolute best indicator of a persons future behavior?

 

Do you think that it will go away if you close your eyes real tight?

 

Her choices affect him, past present and future! The answer is not putting a bag over your head.

[norajane]

she has had people that where sleeping with her just to make her feel popular she started at the age of 13 and it hurts me in more ways than i can describe

 

Can you find some compassion for a young girl who was looking for validation from guys when she was hurting? Think back to when you were 13, and imagine having a family that did not support you - it's not surprising that she would turn to people outside her family for what she wasn't getting at home.

 

Instead of thinking of her as a bitch and a slut, you could think of her as someone who was in need of help and emotional support. No, she didn't have enough self-esteem, and self-respect. Does that really make her a whore, or someone who was troubled? 13 is pretty young, and you don't come complete with a solid self-image at that age if things suck at home.

 

the bitch even cheated on her ex and told me what she did

 

This is the part you should be concerned about - cheating means lying and betrayal. Do you believe she might cheat on you? Are you confident that she has gotten past her self-esteem issues and is no longer needy for male attention?

it even go into interracial and i dont give a **** what any of you say once they go black i dont want em...not just once but twice...and for me to go into details is gonna make it worse.

 

And this is clearly going to be a real big problem for you. If this is how you think, no, I don't believe you can accept her past and accept her.

[quankanne]

I completely understand how her sexual history bothers you – been there, done that with the insecurity thing – but until you consciously choose to let it go, it's gonna keep eating at you and your relationship.

 

she's slept with X number of guys? So what. That was then. This is now. Is she going to do that kind of stuff again? Not if you are strong enough to make a difference in her life and give her the kind of hope needed to move past that insecurity. And as long as you keep obsessing about her former sex life (notice I said former), your relationship will never be as whole as you want it.

 

everytime you start getting negative thoughts, knowing what you know about her background, counter those thoughts with ones of compassion. She didn't intentionally sleep around to hurt you, she did it to make herself feel better about herself. You crucifying her isn't going to do anything but keep her mired in the past – you have the choice to help her move past that by letting go of your own insecurities about her and putting aside your disgust over what she did back then.

 

otherwise, maybe it's time for you to exit the picture so that someone with a more compassionate, mature heart can help her grow the way she needs to grow.

[Cobra_X30]

I completely understand how her sexual history bothers you – been there, done that with the insecurity thing – but until you consciously choose to let it go, it's gonna keep eating at you and your relationship.

 

she's slept with X number of guys? So what. That was then. This is now. Is she going to do that kind of stuff again? Not if you are strong enough to make a difference in her life and give her the kind of hope needed to move past that insecurity. And as long as you keep obsessing about her former sex life (notice I said former), your relationship will never be as whole as you want it.

 

everytime you start getting negative thoughts, knowing what you know about her background, counter those thoughts with ones of compassion. She didn't intentionally sleep around to hurt you, she did it to make herself feel better about herself.

 

This is the best advice that can be given in this situation!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

because to me it means there a dirty whore if its anywhere past 4 by the way shes only 20 years old

 

no i wasnt a virgin before her but my number of women i have slept with is certainly lower than hers im figuring about 8

 

Aww, you're a hypocrite! Isn't that sweet?

[reservoirdog1]

Thats foolish! Who is going to ignore the absolute best indicator of a persons future behavior?

 

Do you think that it will go away if you close your eyes real tight?

 

Her choices affect him, past present and future! The answer is not putting a bag over your head.

 

I admit, I missed the reference to her having cheated on an ex. My bad.

 

But, I don't think that's why you disagreed with my post. It's true, the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. So much depends on whether or not the 14 guys before Buddy got involved with her involved cheating, or if it was just casual sex. The real question to be asked is, whether or not she has a moral problem with sleeping with somebody while in a relationship with somebody else.

 

The mere number is meaningless. There are people who have only been with two partners who end up cheating on #3. Then there are those who bang dozens, and then finally find somebody they want to grow old with and live happily and faithfully ever after.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Hey, While everyone else tells you that what you feel is wrong and to just get over it.

 

I understand where your coming from! I know this bugs the crap out of you for several big reasons.

 

Look, girls like this sleep around because they dont value themselves. Thus they let men treat them like trash.

 

Now here your stupid butt is treating a girl like gold, when she lets every other guy treat her like garbage. Do you think she values you for the way you treat her? Or do you think she will take advantage of you and leave?

 

I agree.

A lot of boyfriends hate the feeling that these other past men got her in the sack easily and maybe the op had to work a little for it. Which pretty comes back to your post about her devaluing herself and this guy treating her like royalty in comparison.

It's not a situation that many men could deal with. I guess that's why there is a common theme of "dont ask, dont tell" policy.

[Cobra_X30]

I admit, I missed the reference to her having cheated on an ex. My bad.

 

But, I don't think that's why you disagreed with my post. It's true, the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. So much depends on whether or not the 14 guys before Buddy got involved with her involved cheating, or if it was just casual sex. The real question to be asked is, whether or not she has a moral problem with sleeping with somebody while in a relationship with somebody else.

 

The mere number is meaningless. There are people who have only been with two partners who end up cheating on #3. Then there are those who bang dozens, and then finally find somebody they want to grow old with and live happily and faithfully ever after.

 

You are totally correct in your assumption that the cheating wasnt the only thing at issue. Listen, Overall I think you are correct... the numbers really dont mean a thing. Except, it is a strong indication of how she views herself, and her value.

 

I'm not dumb. I can sense self esteem issues in a girl. When she devalues herself to that degree, and uses sex to 'buy' love, there are some super big, super deep issues.

 

Those dont just go away one day. Yeah, she has reformed... and she is glad to find a man that treats her well.

 

10 years down the road... is it going to be the same story? First time you get caught up in work... trying to make a living for your family. Not providing enough attention....

 

You know how the story ends!

[MrsHellnoFire]

Then there are those who bang dozens, and then finally find somebody they want to grow old with and live happily and faithfully ever after.

 

i think that's a myth.

sounds like an old wives tale.

i think they are just sneakier when hiding it because they've had lots of practice.

[Amiss]

You can't hate someone for what they did sexually before meeting you. Your posts seem so angry that I doubt your relationship will last much longer. Calm down and see her for what she is-your girlfriend who loves you and decided to be with you. If you can't get past her past-split up and find a nice virgin who will be the perfect wife. Obviously

[Amiss]

You can't hate someone for what they did sexually before meeting you. Your posts seem so angry that I doubt your relationship will last much longer. Calm down and see her for what she is-your girlfriend who loves you and decided to be with you. If you can't get past her past-split up and find a nice virgin who will be the perfect wife. Obviously

[Amiss]

Oops. Net playing up and don't know how to delete messages

[Citizen Erased]

Forget any part of the relationship. The disgusting way in which the OP spoke about her and these "problems" indicates he has no respect for her, nor their relationship. Not saying she is a saint, but I don't think I have ever seen the F word used so much in one post when speaking about a LOVED ONE

[Amiss]

Forget any part of the relationship. The disgusting way in which the OP spoke about her and these "problems" indicates he has no respect for her, nor their relationship. Not saying she is a saint, but I don't think I have ever seen the F word used so much in one post when speaking about a LOVED ONE

Exactly. F this and F that indicates the love and respect has gone and been replaced with (undeserved) rage and hate

[tanbark813]

I had an ex a couple years ago who had a good friend who was married to her junior high school sweetheart. Together since junior high. The couple was religious growing up. I'm not sure if they kept it up into adulthood; probably not. Very nice couple, well-educated, not big partiers, etc... I'm almost positive neither of the couple slept with anyone else.

 

The wife met a coworker to whom she was attracted right around the time she was having trouble with her husband. She separated from the husband and about a week or so later was f**king the coworker.

 

Numbers don't mean a thing.