Princess112 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I've never quite understood the reason people cheat. What is it about the forbidden fruit that makes things more enticing? I'm upset because I have never met a single man that has not been unfaithful. Not one! That's a depressing statistic. And can a cheater really become faithful afterwards? Is cheating just a phase, or will cheaters always be cheaters? Can people really change? I gave my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. Or maybe I didn't, because I always felt a huge knot that something wasn't right. And I'd leave. But he'd come back. And then I'd leave. Because something deep inside me kept telling me it wasn't right, that it was all just a joke. And it was. I've caught him time after time after time, and I'm the imbecil for allowing the "after time after time." I should have stopped it all years ago. But I've taken my stance. No more yo-yos. I've deleted my screen names. Erased my social network profiles. Deleted my email addresses and am switching phone numbers November 1st (when my contract expires and I switch to another cellular company). I'm just tired of all the bullsh*t of insubstantiated "I love yous." What brings a person to cheat? I just don't understand it. A person can be "perfect" and they will STILL be cheated on. It makes no sense. WHY?! And women cheat too. I just don't understand. Can someone enlighten me please? Link to post Share on other sites
Sean0775 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I'm upset because I have never met a single man that has not been unfaithful. Not one! That's a depressing statistic. Hello, my name is Sean and I have never cheated on a girl. I assume people cheat because they don't really love the person they're with and don't have the guts to break things off properly. The human factor can ruin anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Sure. People cheat for many different reasons. You can be perfect and good and everything you should be and still not be the ONE that makes him want to be faithful. Everyone has the potential to be faithful, they just have to find that person who, if they messed it up and had to be without them they wouldn't be able to go on. If thats not what you are for someone, then you will never be. You just have to find that person. Cheating is wrong, but people get greedy. Or people get stuck and want to find a connection somewhere, anywhere. I will admit I've cheated. I am not proud of it, but it had been 3 months since I had slept with my bf and I felt invisible. So, I needed to feel wanted and seen again. I broke up with him very shortly after, but I should have done that first. I don't believe that you can really be in love with someone and cheat on them. Sure you can love them and care about them, but not be in love. Cheating sucks, but don't lose hope. Just know that if they cheat it's not meant. Move on and find the one thats worth everything to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Hello, my name is Sean and I have never cheated on a girl. I assume people cheat because they don't really love the person they're with and don't have the guts to break things off properly. The human factor can ruin anything. This is very true. How old are you Sean? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Princess, I'm male, 57 years old, and have been in two "committed" relationships in my life. One that lasted three + years (from 1969-73) and a marriage from 1976 - 2000. I didn't "cheat" in either one, however both women "cheated" repeatedly throughout the relationships. I've had a few dating "relationships" since 2000 and most of the women had other men friends they neglected to mention. Eventually those ended with me moving on. I have no idea why people do what they do to each other, and doubt I will live long enough to come to a definitive conclusion. I have not however changed any email addresses, or phone numbers. Why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
Sean0775 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 This is very true. How old are you Sean? I'm 24, though I'm told I come off older. You? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Princess112 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 I have not however changed any email addresses, or phone numbers. Why bother? Because I had been with this jerk for 4 years. Because though I didn't find out about all his cheating until a year ago, I always felt something was wrong, and would end the relationship. But he kept coming back, would message me constantly and email me and send me flowers and all that jazz so i would take him back, sometimes for 2 months straight, and I would eventually cave in. I no longer wish to cave in, and changing email and phone number prevents me from receiving his "loving" words. Because I still love the bastard, and because I need more than sheer will to say no. Besides, the phone number isn't so hard, I'm switching companies anyway. Instead of porting the number, I'm just getting a new one. I refuse to pay Cingular to change my number. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 1. And can a cheater really become faithful afterwards? 2. Is cheating just a phase, or will cheaters always be cheaters? 3. Can people really change? 4. What brings a person to cheat? 5. A person can be "perfect" and they will STILL be cheated on. 1. Yes, but they have to make some serious and substantial internal changes before that happens. Changes that have to be initiated and maintained by the person who cheats. There is nothing external to the cheater which will make him/her stop. Nothing. It all has to be stopped from within, and it isn't easy. Just ask any alcoholic how 'easy' it is. It is a struggle to get to the point where you don't want to cheat anymore, and stay there. 2. It largely depends. Are we talking a person who chronically and habitually cheats in general, or one who only cheats on one particular person? Sometimes you have the 'internal' cheats who have something broken inside of them which compels them to cheat in nearly every relationship they are in. Then you have the ones who are contextual cheaters - they cheat on one person because the relationship they are in breaks some part of them, and that is what compels them to cheat. They are the ones who cheat on you with someone, end up with the person they cheated with - and never again in their life cheat on that person. Tricky - if a person has cheated before, they are probably the habitual sort. If it is something that has never happened before, they may be the contextual sort - but that may also be the beginning of something that becomes habitual. 3. Yes, they can. It requires a lot of internal adjustments that need to be consistently maintained. People make the mistake of thinking that all they need is a new partner - but if those internal adjustments haven't been made, then they are soon cheating again. Now, for the contextual ones - they may get a new partner and never cheat again. It entirely depends on the pattern of behavior. If you end up with a guy who cheated repeatedly before, and cheated repeatedly in the relationship you are in, then chances are he will cheat again, and will with the next person too. If you are with someone who has never cheated before, and it happens - then it may not happen again. 4. Opportunity, usually. Motive, compulsion, boredom, the usual. Usually a mix of several things. Rarely, if ever - is it done to hurt the person they are cheating on. When a person cheats, it usually isn't to hurt you - in fact, you don't even factor in most times, sadly enough - except in gaging how likely you are to catch them, and what you reaction will be. 5. Yes, that is true. People can and do cheat in even the most comfortable and satisfying relationships. They can be satisfied with their partner, but whatever is broken inside of them will compel them to cheat anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Princess112 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 Hello, my name is Sean and I have never cheated on a girl. Hi Sean! Sorry about that, I suppose I should have been less generic about that. I meant I hadn't met a married man that hasn't cheated. Or men that have been in relationships for more than 2 years. If they don't love them, why bother keeping the lie for so long? For YEARS! And its not like we had some monetary ties or anything. So what's the deal? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Here is another guy that has never cheated on a woman. People cheat for various reasons but it all boils down to the fact that they have no scruples and they are self centered. They care about nobody but themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I meant I hadn't met a married man that hasn't cheated.If you consider this meeting, then you have now met a married man that hasn't cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Princess112 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 Are we talking a person who chronically and habitually cheats in general, or one who only cheats on one particular person? My ex had one night stands. I'm his first "real" girlfriend, or so he says, I'm the first person he ever had intimacy with. He's MY first and only. (Though I have had 4 boyfriends prior to him). So I'm the first person he's ever cheated on. He started cheating after almost 1 year of our relationship. At least that's what he says. Which comes around the time we became intimate. And so he's had several "flings" with other women, one in particular he was with 3 times. The others, I don't know, they're girls from his university, from MySpace, from Facebook, from god-knows-where. And I caught him making arrangements with someone else and broke it off, I'm sick of it. What hurts is that we repeatedly talked about marriage, we were making plans of staying together forever. I just... hate lies. And it's all our relationship has been. One big fat lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Princess112 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 Thanks guys, its nice to know you exist out there. Out of sheer curiosity, how long have you been married? Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I've never quite understood the reason people cheat. What is it about the forbidden fruit that makes things more enticing? This makes the assumption people are "seeking" to cheat. I believe a majority of the time it is simply nothing more than very poor impulse control. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Thanks guys, its nice to know you exist out there. Out of sheer curiosity, how long have you been married? 20 years... Link to post Share on other sites
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I'm 24, though I'm told I come off older. You? I'm 22. I kinda wanted to know how much time you've had to possibly cheat. Not that you will because you're young. I was just curious. Now, I firmly believe that cheating is a mixture of things. Situation, impulse control, and most importantly not being truely in love with the person you are with. It hurts, but you still have time to find the one who you're worth it to. People stay and cheat because they arn't in love, but they like the security of not being alone. It's selfish, but also human nature to not want to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Ok, so you are saying that a contextual cheater that has a bad marriage of feels broken will cheat and then move on with the one they cheated with? How can that be....If a person rarely ever cheats, why would they leave for another and never cheat again....that one confuses me. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Now, I firmly believe that cheating is a mixture of things. Situation, impulse control, and most importantly not being truely in love with the person you are with. It hurts, but you still have time to find the one who you're worth it to. People stay and cheat because they arn't in love, but they like the security of not being alone. It's selfish, but also human nature to not want to be alone. Yeah, I see some of that viewpoint. I draw on a personal experience where I was in a position to cheat. I was very much in love with my fiancee at the time and that had nothing to really do with the decision not to. It was because it felt "wrong". But I suppose it could be a driving force for some, but not a protective factor, surely. In looking back, it was a moment separate from reality. Doing it, in my mind, would not have meant that I did not truly love my fiancee. It's just a physical act devoid of love. And yes, women, males have this wonderful compartmentalized brain that actually does allow some of us to think this way. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 In looking back, it was a moment separate from reality. Doing it, in my mind, would not have meant that I did not truly love my fiancee. It's just a physical act devoid of love. And yes, women, males have this wonderful compartmentalized brain that actually does allow some of us to think this way. For me, I want to live a life with integrity, and that means actually being who I profess to be to others. This means cheating isn't possible. It would shatter the reality I have made for myself. The downside is that if someone cheats on me, it also shattters that reality. People cheat because they can, often because they aren't fully fulfilled in their primary relationships and they lack the courage to confront those issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 In looking back, it was a moment separate from reality. Doing it, in my mind, would not have meant that I did not truly love my fiancee. It's just a physical act devoid of love. And yes, women, males have this wonderful compartmentalized brain that actually does allow some of us to think this way. Oh I know, I'm a woman and I feel the same way a lot of times. I can have sex with someone and feel nothing. I was sleeping with someone that just stopped calling me and answering my calls one day because he moved on. So I did too, no problem. It's just when someone gets a hold on me, I just can't handle the thought of either of us with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Princess112 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Share Posted October 25, 2007 I don't know, I view sex as something intimate, something special, that's supposed to be shared by two people who love each other. I think I was born in the wrong era. Anywho, I have... 14 missed calls from him. Just counted them. And a couple of text messages. And here comes the damned roller coaster ride. Link to post Share on other sites
thedamned1 Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 I started a thread about why people cheat in the marriage section... I guess it might have made more sense for it to be here. I'm sure there are other people who would cheat for similar reasons. Here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133869/ Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 For the most part, men and women tend to cheat for different reasons. Simply stated, men tend to cheat because they want to have sex with other women and their wives won't let them. Women tend to cheat because their emotional intimacy is not being fullfilled. As you are more concerned with the men, I'll go a little more into that. Men tend to want to have sex with more than one woman because they are biologically urged to. It's genetic. I know some of you will like to debate this and I am willing. Or you can look for some of my other posts on this same debate. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Oh and to be more clear. What I was explaining was why men tend to have a promiscuous orientation. Men tend to cheat for a different reason. Not because they don't love you. Not because they are not attracted to you. Almost always, it's because they think you will never find out. And what you don't know, won't hurt you. It's not selfish, it's opportunist. It's risk assessment. And it works out, if you don't really find out. The universe continues. There also seems to be a biological influence here as well. Not saying that people can't control their own actions, but that little devil on your shoulder does exist. Just in the form of chemicals in your brain, created by your genes. Link to post Share on other sites
MerryMelodie Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 What I don't understand is if men have a natural urge to just screw half the women they see then why do they even try to be in relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
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