tashsih Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 We started out together as friends with benifits and quickly fell in love way better than other LTR I've had - used to be bliss...Naturally after 5 yrs we're not gaga but we've got the best LTR I've ever seen and we def are in love.... The problem is that about 5 or so mths ago (right when his very close bro got dumped) he started acting weird and started makeing jokes about breaking up, started talking about wanting to get his own apt "for fun/ independence/ & sd it was b/c he knows he wants to be together but wants to live on his own once in his life b/4 we end up buying a house and looking back on his life and thinking he never did it on his own"- i came to these forums about it and got a lil responce mostly saying its prob over well we decided to stick it out ... - he said if it's going to hurt "us "he wouldnt move - we would get a bigger apt with a room for him to make is music for more privacy...etc - I was getting laid off and broke - since no $ was the only thing really makeing us fight we'd keep our $ together and try to work on that - i'd leave the option of seperate apt's open in the future ok once we decided all this time Flew by with great times, more music , more art, more friends, i got a new job, we now have an awsome apt, we still have great sex... BUT as weird as it sounds I don't think i understood what all was said back 5 mths ago ... I'm JUST NOW realiseing that he was trying to break up ! I didnt even get it when he blurted out " we're just on two opp. sides of the spectrum on this relationship" - at the time I just was confused overwhelmed and asking" huh? I thought you just wanted to move for fun?" etc but I now think he was saying i wannaget married he wants to go solo Now the storm has died down I find myself going back to those arguements and thinking - HE WAS DUMPN My ass and I wouldnt let him so he stayed! Although we're doing good these realisations have made me evaluate us Now I'm noticing how I give give give but only get - its not equal -I'm a great massager - a few times a week even -but when I need a massage he puts its off till ...never -I clean on my day off- he writes music and lays around -I do every chore, every errand, go to pay every bill, grocery, but when I came last might too sore to toast a bagel he whined when I asked him to do it! I 'm also thinking Are we gonna get married? should we? I used to think ppl just don't need "a piece of paper" but a boss of mine explained that it means more to her - that its now a family even w/o kids and you know its the long haul.. whatever she said made me want it! but... i dunno! I even said no to marrage twice to him years ago when I thought this would be just another good time ! I DO NOT wanna give an altamatem but I need to know - its BOTHERING me SO much that I'm acting like a bitch to him and getting snooty everytime I think I see "another sign"- stupid **** like not feeling like making me a bagel even! I think Im just so scared Im bitchy! ARGHHHH! PLEASE HELP ME I FEEL LIKE TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THIS BUT IF WE TALK AND IT GOES SOUR THEN IVE GOT 3 MTHS TO GO BEFORE I COULD AFFORD TO LIVE ALONE! Link to post Share on other sites
Doubt&Wonder Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 If it is bothering YOU then ask him what he meant - but please do NOT assume you know (and) remember to fight fair if this conversation come to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Now I'm noticing how I give give give but only get - its not equal -I'm a great massager - a few times a week even -but when I need a massage he puts its off till ...never -I clean on my day off- he writes music and lays around -I do every chore, every errand, go to pay every bill, grocery, but when I came last might too sore to toast a bagel he whined when I asked him to do it! Regardless of what did or didn't happen 5 months ago, why would you want to go into a marriage - or for that matter, stay in any LTR - carrying the load of that level of resentment??? Here is your question in its simplest form: "I know he's a lazy jerk that isn't right for me - should I marry and/or stay with him?" Um....no! Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I FEEL LIKE TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THIS BUT IF WE TALK AND IT GOES SOUR THEN IVE GOT 3 MTHS TO GO BEFORE I COULD AFFORD TO LIVE ALONE! Definitely talk to him about it! This is too important to let it stew inside you. You may have figured out exactly what he was doing, or you may be completely off base. Communication is the basis of any good LTR, married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
magenificent Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 This is going to sound a little crazy and probably very difficult, but how about this: Wait the 3 months. Save your money until you are on your own two feet. That will help take the anxiety out of the conversation. He will still have meant what he meant 5 months ago. During that time, when you feel like talking to him, write it down instead. Write all you feel, then look at it. Try to re-phrase it to yourself taking some of the emotion, anger and resentment out of it. Try that a few times until you have it distilled down to a simple report of what happened (like, "I asked for a bagel. He said he did not feel like it." End. This won't "solve" the bigger issue, but during the 3 months you can practice bringing yourself down from super-emotional, hurt feelings, pissed-off to at least a calmer mindset. You can always accomplish more and UNDERSTAND a lot better when your mind is clear. You said you just realized what he was saying - perhaps if you had been able to calm your mind, your emotions, you might have been able to understand what he was saying better. I don't know, of course; I wasn't there! Another advantage to waiting 3 months is that you're not putting it off until forever, but you are delaying it until some of the dust settles (for you, hopefully) so you make sure to give yourself time to try to consider all angles, consider your options and practice trying to calm yourself down. Your situation sounds similar to mine, and I say this like it's easy, but it's NOT. I work hard, and could probably work a lot harder, at staying calm and not feeling like I'm being walked on, taken advantage of, etc. I get really mad, and eventually I explode... when things calm down and I'm able to talk about it, my BF usually explains his side of it and it (usually) sounds pretty fair, and because I take so much personally, it's usually something I hadn't considered! Another thing that helps me is keeping in mind all the good things about him as I'm getting worked up about how mad he makes me. If I consider breaking up, I figure I'll pull myself back by thinking of how great he is; if that really IS going to sway me, why not save myself the trouble and just cut out the "breaking up" altogether? Like I said, your situation sounds similar to mine, but I really don't know enough about you or your situation to know. These are just some things that work for me, hope they help you. It sounds like you're in a tight spot. Also remember - he can't just kick you out, either. There are lots of laws that protect tenants, and you technically would be considered a tenant at this point! Take care! If it doesn't work out, I hope you find a bagel-making masseuse Link to post Share on other sites
Author tashsih Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 thanks for all the advise guys. im taking the time to try to evaluate whats going on and how i feel and see whats up - its been a month and things are usually up but sometimes - grrr some of what i sd sounds so one sided hes really not a jerk but sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
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