New - my story

[bigheartkindsoul]

Hi there

 

I have come over from another site from which I have been outed by some not so nice people who seem to have something against me so I have been told people are nice & compassionate, like me on here.

 

I was dumped in July just a few days before my birthday, and the day I had come out of A&E and a few days after some minor back surgery. And a week before our holiday to Thailand.

 

We were together 7months. He was the one to come on strong, he was the one always wanting to see me, pushing his feelings on me strongly, his emails of feelings and how he was being totally open and honest, never felt like this before, the only reason he didn't move back up north and so on - all within about the first 4wks of us dating. We met on the internet, a dating website.

 

Well after two months I found out he'd lied about something, fairly big, related to my sexual health & wellbeing as he'd given me an STD. I was devastated by these lies especially as he had said he was being totally honest and open.

 

I never really recovered. After about another month I found he had lied about a couple of other things and I just couldn't cope I was utterly devastated worse than the first time. I should have left but I was in too deep, was in love totally thought we could work through it.

 

At first he agreed to work on rebuilding my trust but after a month or so he couldn't take it anymore and thought I should just be able to trust him.

 

I could not, I didn't beleive anything that he said, and I think with good reason, this man had lied to my face several times the first time, and then again while trying to rebuild trust.

 

He left me a few times, Easter weekend, May Bank Holiday weekend when we were meant to go on holiday, then again in June when I was ready to walk away but he again emotional bribed me, and said oh lets go away in July have our holiday and have a special time.

 

Well like I stated above I was dumped before this happened.

 

I know now and think I am right?

 

1) he was a commitment phobe

2) he was emotional blackmailing

3) I should have watched for his actions to prove open and honesty rather than believing words (at the time I was naive and believed his words, lesson learnt)

4) I think I was a rebound, I think anyone would have done that showed any interest back at him. He was lonely and I made his life down here complete?

5) I should have left and stayed gone after I found out the first lies, at the end of Feb but he came after me, I stood my ground and told him he need to work on rebuilding trust, he needed to be patient and understand, however although he tried he also continued to emotional blackmail me so I feel into the trap of being inlove and being so insecure in the end

6) he made me insecure to turn make him secure rather than insecure like he was in the beginning, he was cheated on with his then fiance and his close friend when he was 21.

 

(btw I am now 34, then 33 he was 31 in Feb)

 

I am over the split but still a little upset about some of the above stuff, upset also at myself that I was naive (that is not meant badly just being honest, I was and even my Mum said and we are close and talk alot about things that I was and not had alot of experience with men in relationships).

 

I know for the future which is a good thing still doesn't stop the past being hard to swallow sometimes.

 

There is more but I think I have made this post long enough as it is.

 

BHKS

xxxxx

 

Btw - I am a nice person, I am quite sensitive so if I can help anyone please feel free to contact me, I have alot of compassion and understanding for others in pain. All I ask is that others are nice to me in return.

 

Take care of yourselves.

 

((((hugs)))

[bigheartkindsoul]

Sorry first post so just getting the hang of it!!!

 

Was just wondering whether anyone had any thoughts not so much on the past but how one can learn, how to look out for red flags without penilsing the next person for anothers mistakes?

 

Just looking for some help and advice really on moving on.

 

Thanks

 

 

xxxx

[bigheartkindsoul]

Well I just wanted to say that nearly 4months later, I still have thoughts about us, the problems, my ex - however these thoughts are not as often, they also do not upset me anymore although I feel sad about it going wrong, also the thoughts don't fill me with darkness and make me feel like I want to give up on life anymore.

 

It's been a bumpy road but I have made it through the other side, I am myselft once again, I have a full life and have learnt alot from the pain, learnt alot about myself and have grown.

 

So I just wanted to say, you will get there I have gone from wanting to be dead to planning what is the next big thing I can do, where am I going next weekend, what can I do to improve myself, expand myself, make more of myself, make my life even greater than it already is and myself greater than I already am.

 

It is possible even if you are suffering now take it from someone who was been there.

[daisydo]

I think you can now take a step back.. look at your situation and try to see it objectively. There were some red flags from the get go. It sounds like you threw yourself into this relationship without seeing this person for who he really is/was.

 

Think of it positively though - it was a great learning experience. You can now take that knowledge and move on to something better.

 

The thoughts will come less and less.. Just do not let him infiltrate your life any further.. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction and are looking positively towards your future.

 

Good luck!

[bigheartkindsoul]

I think you can now take a step back.. look at your situation and try to see it objectively. There were some red flags from the get go. It sounds like you threw yourself into this relationship without seeing this person for who he really is/was.

 

Think of it positively though - it was a great learning experience. You can now take that knowledge and move on to something better.

 

 

Yes there were def red flags I was to relationship naive to notice them, so it has been a good learning curve (even if a very painful one).

 

I now have my closure, from within and have posted a letter to that effect on here. I wish him well now and want to get on nee will get on with the rest of my life.

 

 

Thank you

[birdie]

it sounds like he was quite unstable and not really LTR material. I tend to be cautious of men that throw themselves in a relationship very quickly and chase too hard because I know it's not about me but about whatever their issues are. it's good to get to know someone slowly because the odds are that he is a more serious type.

 

all the rest should follow from there

[Timberlane]

It's good that you uncovered the lies early on. I dated and fell in love with a woman for five years back in college. I didn't find out the lies until much later after we broke up!

 

This guy definitely was too unstable emotionally for you. Does it really have to be some insane roller coaster? Sheesh. But it's relationships like this that are unfortunately exciting. I've had more than my share. I'm suspicious now of too many compliments early on, like the person is used to laying on the praise to build up their position. Most of the people I have seen do that tend to burn out early and just disappear.

[birdie]

I actually find full-on men a bit annoying now. it's bad enough in bars when they just don't know when to shut up and they strut their stuff. it's even more annoying in my bedroom or on stupid texts. nah, definitely prefer the stable kind.