URGENT- How do I make contact??

[ttree]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago, and I want him back.

 

I was a total nightmare I was clingy and insecure and had real issues with intimacy as I was raped when I was younger, all this made me really critical of everything, I realised after we broke up that I needed to get things sorted. He only ever offered me support in dealing with my problems and I didn't appreciate him for that as I was too involved in my own world.

I am now getting help, I cant change who I am, but I can try to be a better person. I wish I could be there for him as he always was for me

 

He says he doesn't want contact with me as its too hard. I did the no contact thing and left him to cool down for a fortnight and then popped a birthcard through his door, to let him know I was still thinking of him.

 

He text me back thanking me for the card but also saying that he had said he wanted no contact. After a few messages back and forth he invited me over for the night. I turned him down saying I wanted to sort things out properly but I still wanted to meet when he was ready. I have not heard since.

I think I did right not just jumping into bed with him as this would only be a one night stand.

 

I dont genuinely believe he wants to cut me out else he would have binned the card and not replied.

 

How do I make contact again with him? by phone, email, letter?

Should I tell him I want him back or that I want to put friendship first and work on the rest later?

I dont want to push him too fast, so how long should I leave it till I contact him again. It has been a week since his birthday.

I would really like to hear from people who have some positive ideas and definately want to hear if you have had some sucess stories.

 

I look forward to your replies.

[yippkiyay]

Why is this urgent all of a sudden? That makes me think he is still your top prority and you are not ready

[rs.dallaire]

I agree. I think you need to cool down for real before you are ready to see him. Otherwise you will fall in the same traps again.

 

Go out, have fun, date other people. Don't force anything and just let things happen.

[ttree]

Thanks for your replies guys,

In response I have already been on dates with other people, and there are no shortage of good offers but they are not what I want.

I don't want to leave things too long as I know the longer I leave things the less he will be willing to speak to me as he is very proud and quite stubborn.

He will take it really personally if I do the ignoring thing to turn around 6 months down the line and then ask if we can get back together. He wrongly believes that I have already met someone, if I do the no contact thing he'll believe he is right.

Has anyone any ideas on how I complete stage 2 of making contact as this is something I have committed to doing.

[Art_Critic]

He says he doesn't want contact with me

 

then popped a birthcard through his door,

 

 

also saying that he had said he wanted no contact.

 

After a few messages back and forth

 

 

How do I make contact again with him? by phone, email, letter?

 

You don't.. he has asked more than once for NC.. you have refused to grant it to him and even now after being told more than once not to contact him you are conjuring up another reason to contact him and GO AGAINST his wishes..

He will just tell you again to not contact him and you will push him even further away.

 

NC.. means NO CONTACT... it doesn't mean " I'll wait a week and email him ".

 

Maybe after he has had some time without you in his life ( months.. not days ) he will contact you and want to try to start something up...

Until then.. Go out and start dating and having fun...

[jerbear]

He says he doesn't want contact with me as its too hard.

It was his choice not yours in regards to the desired level of contact. He does not want contact but you want to. Takes two to have a conversation.

 

He text me back thanking me for the card but also saying that he had said he wanted no contact. After a few messages back and forth he invited me over for the night. I turned him down saying I wanted to sort things out properly but I still wanted to meet when he was ready. I have not heard since.

I think I did right not just jumping into bed with him as this would only be a one night stand.

 

If you want him back why did you turn him down? It is being really wishy washy behavior. It does not seem you are ready to either let him go or get him back.

 

Seems like you are still pinning for him yet don't want him.

 

I dont genuinely believe he wants to cut me out else he would have binned the card and not replied.

He contacted you to tell you to stop contacting him. Giving first notice versus notice later.

 

How do I make contact again with him? by phone, email, letter?

Should I tell him I want him back or that I want to put friendship first and work on the rest later?

I dont want to push him too fast, so how long should I leave it till I contact him again. It has been a week since his birthday.

I would really like to hear from people who have some positive ideas and definately want to hear if you have had some sucess stories.

 

Do you genuinely want a friendship and wishing for more? It is very possible that more may not happen while you wish for more.

 

There are success stories out there but it requires time away and knowledge of each other. Both parties having spent some time doing their own thing and realizing that they BOTh were meant to be; either crossed paths again or called each other.

 

In my opinion, you need a clearer mind before making contact and you are seeking success stories to validate your cause.

 

The dumper that makes initial contact after NC tends to make the second chance plausible.

[ttree]

Thanks again for your replies.

 

I would have to say, although I appreciate your concern, I am infact very much in a situation where my head is together and I am now thinking rationally and I have past the tears etc and I am sorting my life out. So NC is no longer necessary, beyond that I dont actually believe NC will ever win anyone back, because it gives no indication that you want them back.

I do believe the relationship is worth trying to save as we were very close and were very happy for a long time until the relationship started to break down

 

I have sucessfully managed to make a realtionship work second time around in the past although I was on the giving end rather than the recieving end like now, but essentially I know what is involved, and in preparation I've read all the books. So I m not looking for validation as to whether it could work, I've already considered this.

 

I am just looking for the best ideas of how to initiate Low Contact to give him the space he needs to calm down but also realise that I am geniunely sorry, and committed to sorting things out even if that ultimately means that we can only be friends.

 

The books say that despite the fact that he replied to me saying No contact, I should look on it positively as any reply is a good sign, as no reply means go away, a bad reply just says I'm angry. They also point out that if first contact results in a meeting (which was offered) things can be saved. The books also say NC doesn't work.

 

So any ideas on how to progress??

[alwayshurt]

Thanks again for your replies.

 

I would have to say, although I appreciate your concern, I am infact very much in a situation where my head is together and I am now thinking rationally and I have past the tears etc and I am sorting my life out. So NC is no longer necessary, beyond that I dont actually believe NC will ever win anyone back, because it gives no indication that you want them back.

I do believe the relationship is worth trying to save as we were very close and were very happy for a long time until the relationship started to break down

 

I have sucessfully managed to make a realtionship work second time around in the past although I was on the giving end rather than the recieving end like now, but essentially I know what is involved, and in preparation I've read all the books. So I m not looking for validation as to whether it could work, I've already considered this.

 

I am just looking for the best ideas of how to initiate Low Contact to give him the space he needs to calm down but also realise that I am geniunely sorry, and committed to sorting things out even if that ultimately means that we can only be friends.

 

The books say that despite the fact that he replied to me saying No contact, I should look on it positively as any reply is a good sign, as no reply means go away, a bad reply just says I'm angry. They also point out that if first contact results in a meeting (which was offered) things can be saved. The books also say NC doesn't work.

 

So any ideas on how to progress??

 

First of all you need to realize what you want exactly from this person. Approaching him just because you need a friend is not fair and you must be sure of this before making any attempts.

That being said and assuming that you have made up your mind I would approach him with a simple email telling him how you feel. Don't be too emotional just use the right words and tell him that you are sorry for what happened and want to make it up to him. Also say that if he has not interest in being with you you will understand that and you will just leave him alone and move on.

You must be really sincere on this and if his reply is not what you are expecting you need to walk away....for good.

If he does not reply, you also need to walk away and just wait for him to contact you.

Remember this guy was hurt by so you cannot expect any mercy right away. Indirectly, assuming that it is possible, show him your intentions. Then just wait!

[ninjaturtles]

hmmm.....did u really read that NC does not work...

 

 

In all honesty, when I broke up with my 1st boyfriend years ago, and he went NC, i forgot about him..the fact that he did not contact me made me forget about him and makde me think he was not so interested in getting back etc...

 

Nevertheless, As I am on the receiving end, I would go NC to heal myself....plus NC could bring people back, cos it COULD give them time to miss you etc....sometimes 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'..sometimes..'out of sight is out of mind'..so i guess it really depends on the situation.

 

When you say you were clingy etc...did you do stuff like yell at him if he went out etc? I mean can you give practical examples....this is because I know some girl who was very clingy etc....her man left her, but they got back together, cos her clingyness was nothing too extreme and she was willing to work on it etc....therefore, I guess its possible to get him back.

 

 

Havng said that, sometimes its better to let them be for sometime. Dont push him away by contacting him if he has told you not to contact him. Trust me, you need to let him be for sometime. You are simply doing as he asked you to if you NC,...HE specifically told you he wanted NC, so if you do as he wishes why should he think you have gone off with someone else? I hope you see my reasoning..

 

In all honesty, I am not advicing you not to contact him ever again, but i think maybe you could send him an email tellinh him how you feel etc, and then let him be..you are thus leaving the ball in the court, so he can contact you when he wants to, if he wants to.....

 

Thats what i think anyway..I dont think you should keep on contacting him at the moment, that may push him away and he may start getting mean to you..trust me, sometimes men switch..he may get irrtated etc.

 

So i think you should just send him an email(ALTHOUGH MOST PPL ON LS WOULD ADVICE YOU NOT TO.lol) ,then let him be....if he wants to come back..he would..

 

 

you need to give it time..trust me..space and time helps a lot....cos IF he does not come back..(IF)...time would have healed you a bit.......

[ninjaturtles]

In reference to the 1st line I wrote..I was the one who broke up with him, and when he went NC...i forgot about him, thinking he was not interested in getting back

[ttree]

Thanks for you message.

 

Yes I was surprised when the books said NC donesnt work, apparently nothing says I dont want anything to do with you more than saying nothing at all.

 

No I wasn't like you can't go out and see your friends or anything like that. I just became so absorbed in my problems that my attitude towards him really sucked. It was just that because of all of the issues going on outside of our relationship I was quite insecure and became almost dependant on his support, since he's been gone, i've taken things by the horns and am trying to stand on my own two feet.

 

I do agree that the NC thing does give off the impression you have moved on, and hence why I am keen to break it, but equally I don't want him to feel pressured, or pestered.I want him to feel comfortable talking to him and if he is not ready for that then I can give him some more space. I would like to see him if he offers again but I dont want to just come out and ask in case I scare him off.

 

It was a week ago that he invited me to go visit, I was thinking to give him another week before I break NC because I don't want to crowd him. I have decided that visiting him unannouced is a terrible idea, calling is not great either so its either an email or a text.

[ttree]

I broke NC and it went really well!!

 

I got up this morning and sent him a message just a quite "Hi how are you, hope you are well"

I got one straight back asking if it was me (I guess he'd deleted me from his phone) and then inviting me for breakfast at a cafe he was off to.

I was really pleased and said I'd see him there. So put on a nice but demure outfit and went. We chatted briefly and then went to his for a coffee and chatted for a couple of hours, it was painful at times when he was venting his anger for my mistakes but I was careful not to argue with him, after that was out we actually talked normally we even managed a joke or two. I got up to leave and said I'd give him some space if he needed it, and asked how long should I leave it, I dont want to crowd you?

he replied "er.... no sooner than 3 or 4" I nearly died I'm thinking 4 months thats will be a killer if he needs that long, thats after xmas..."hours"

yes he invited me back this evening for dinner, and suggested a bring a dvd.

So I went took a couple of DVD's stayed away from Romance, incase it looked like i was trying to send him subliminal messages or set a mood. So I took Hostel 2 as he loved the first one and a scifi action thing, we watched the secone one, and then he put on some Romantic comedy that was on TV and we laughed to gether and chatted some more.

It was hard, but decided to leave on a high and niot be asked to leave, so I left at just gone 10pm, thanked him for the enjoyable evening and said that I'd speak to him in a coupld of weeks to give him time to think.

I got home to find a message on my voicemail, saying he was sorry, all evening he wanted to kiss me, I replied saying "me too, but i thought you might hate me for pushing you, so I left"

He replied straight away saying he wished he had known he would have loved to do it, then he asked how far away I was, but I was already 40 miles away.

IMO in went well so its a waiting game now, I hope he calls in a few days, if not i'll give him the fortnight like I said.

[cookiecat]

wow, congrats!

 

i hope you guys can carry on from here

 

it's not looking too good for me. granted, we've only been talking for a week and a half after a couple months of not talking, but i gotta sinking feeling that it's not gonna go much further he's not really making much effort to communicate with me.

 

anyways, i'm glad things are working out for you, seemingly

[birdie]

good luck ttree, sound good!

[ttree]

wow, congrats!

 

i hope you guys can carry on from here

 

it's not looking too good for me. granted, we've only been talking for a week and a half after a couple months of not talking, but i gotta sinking feeling that it's not gonna go much further he's not really making much effort to communicate with me.

 

anyways, i'm glad things are working out for you, seemingly

 

 

Hey I'd just stick with it, if he knows you want to be with him, (i.e. you have told him), and you are around quietly in the background always being considerate etc, he might come around, if you can find out the specifics of why you guys broke up, it might help. So long as its not a total personality overhaul, because thats just never going to make you happy.

 

Just be rational and together when you speak to him and resist the urge to shout, or attack him. If you look together he'll take you more seriously and respect you, I can tell you crying and begging doesnt work, been there done that, it just makes them feel guilty and they resent you for it.

 

Give it time, if you've only been speaking a week thats nothing,especially if it was a bad breakup.

 

I would definately get a copy of that book I mentioned before its got a chapter on how best to deal with resistant ex's without being considered a bunny boiler, which lets face it non of us want. Being English I thought it was all a bunch of romantic wishywashy psychobabble, but actually having had time to reflect on the stuff and use it, i'd say its actually makes alot of sense now.

 

But chin up cookie a week is no time at all. Stick with it and keep your goals in mind.

[alwayshurt]

what's the title of this book? and who's the author?

[ttree]

Sorry that was daft....

 

I posted the book's name on a previous thread to cookie.

 

The book is called :-

 

It doesn't have to be over:How to get your lover back

Successful strategies for starting over (and making it better than it was before) by Blase Harris, M.D.

 

Happy Reading

[Nanachu]

I am very happy for you that he came back to you.

My ex (who broke up with me) came back and we have been together almost 6 months and I am very happy.

It depends on how break-up happened, but I now strongly believe that if things were not too bad, second chance is not too hard to get. If you did not do critical things such as cheating, abusive, stealing, etc (please read theKris's posts for second chance) to cause the break-up and love in your ex still remains (but went to sleep), the second chance is likely happen after you go for NC for a while. They start to miss you and appreciate you.

 

However, a real key issue is how to maintain the relationship. Many second chance ends faster than the first time around. Break-up happened because it was broken, you know the famous book? There were something clearly wrong for a person to decide to leave. My ex thought that I am disposable, not only that he thought he could live a life without me, he preferred the way. People don't leave from a happy relationship with no reason.

 

I am not discouraging you since I have been with my BF, a former ex, for 6 months (the first time was about 3 to 4 months). If you are interested, please read my past posts. We talked. I guessed, but when we got back, we clearly talked what went wrong for the first time. I did not see him 5 months after the first break-up and really gave a thought to who I am, what's wrong with me, what's wrong with him, what's wrong with our relationship, what I want, and what I am willing and capable of changing myself with or without being with him. He seemed to have done the same. Even thouth he broke up with you, it does not mean that you are alll responsible for what went wrong. He contributed a part of them. Is he willing to meet you a half way between?

 

Again, I am not discouraging you, please enjoy the moment now, but at some points, I strongly recommend you two make sure communicating all issues and future plan. Otherwise, meaning just getting back together since you two missed each other, after missing period is over, the same issue comes back and ends up in a same situation.

 

Good luck,

[Nanachu]

I am very happy for you that he came back to you.

My ex (who broke up with me) came back and we have been together almost 6 months and I am very happy.

It depends on how break-up happened, but I now strongly believe that if things were not too bad, second chance is not too hard to get. If you did not do critical things such as cheating, abusive, stealing, etc (please read theKris's posts for second chance) to cause the break-up and love in your ex still remains (but went to sleep), the second chance is likely happen after you go for NC for a while. They start to miss you and appreciate you.

 

However, a real key issue is how to maintain the relationship. Many second chance ends faster than the first time around. Break-up happened because it was broken, you know the famous book? There were something clearly wrong for a person to decide to leave. My ex thought that I am disposable, not only that he thought he could live a life without me, he preferred the way. People don't leave from a happy relationship with no reason.

 

I am not discouraging you since I have been with my BF, a former ex, for 6 months (the first time was about 3 to 4 months). If you are interested, please read my past posts. We talked. I guessed, but when we got back, we clearly talked what went wrong for the first time. I did not see him 5 months after the first break-up and really gave a thought to who I am, what's wrong with me, what's wrong with him, what's wrong with our relationship, what I want, and what I am willing and capable of changing myself with or without being with him. He seemed to have done the same. Even thouth he broke up with you, it does not mean that you are alll responsible for what went wrong. He contributed a part of them. Is he willing to meet you a half way between?

 

Again, I am not discouraging you, please enjoy the moment now, but at some points, I strongly recommend you two make sure communicating all issues and future plan. Otherwise, meaning just getting back together since you two missed each other, after missing period is over, the same issue comes back and ends up in a same situation.

 

Good luck,

[ttree]

Hey thanks for the positive advice

 

However, a real key issue is how to maintain the relationship. Many second chance ends faster than the first time around. Break-up happened because it was broken, you know the famous book? There were something clearly wrong for a person to decide to leave.

 

Yes good point, there is a need to address some key issues else, what was broken wont stay fixed for long...a good piece of advice for me and anyone else out there considering givingthings a second chance.

 

 

Again, I am not discouraging you, please enjoy the moment now, but at some points, I strongly recommend you two make sure communicating all issues and future plan. Otherwise, meaning just getting back together since you two missed each other, after missing period is over, the same issue comes back and ends up in a same situation.

 

Definately there are some issues on both sides, and certainly I hope to discuss these with him once I am certain of the situation but so long as we (he and I as well as other people on LS) are mindful of the longterm goals and remain constructive, positive, and willing to work through things then I hope that things ay work out.

 

Its a long haul, but I think it will all be worth it.

[ttree]

Hey,

 

Just thought I'd give everyone an update on my progress as I've had a few requests to keep you posted of any progress I make.

Well since the last meeting you heard of I gave my ex some space for a couple of weeks to allow him time to get his head together after our first reunion day.

We spoke again on Friday gone and arranged to meet at the weekend. It was decided I would visit on Saturday for a catch up. I again took some DVD's but this time stopped off for some of his favourite ice cream on the way.... I was so late though arriving which did put a dampener on things but I did ring ahead to let him know I was caught up.

We watched the first film which was terribly awkward and not really what it said on the box, but we laughed and endured it, after that the evening became really warm and comfortable we sunk into the sofa and curled up and watched the movie togeher, he asked if I would like to stay, I told him I had not assumed that I would and left it at that. As the evening progressed we laughed and joked and eventually we kissed and it was amazing, he asked if I would stay and I said yes.

Next day was wonderful we stayed in bed till gone lunch and then we wandered to the supermarket and bought breakfast, which he then cooked for me back in the flat (apartment), we curled up and watched more TV, later he disappeared off into the kitchen and emerged with dinner for me, he admitted he had really missed me,

I told him I would have to leave after dinner but he told me to stay another night and run me a big bubble bath to soak in and we talked long into the night, so I stayed another day. Again we awoke and spent another morning making the most of every moment in each others company before having to go to work. he made me breakfast and ran me another bath. We kissed and he thanked me for a really good weekend and I left.

Again I have given him some space.

So hopefully I have moved a step closer to getting back together.....

[ttree]

Hi guys,

 

Just giving you another update.....this is quickly turning into a blog!

Another weekend has passed another really good few days together.

I've decided not to push the idea of where is this going, what does it mean the usual woman hangups as thinngs appear to being going well and its too early to push the subject, I will wait until he raises it.

This time it was him who invited me to go see him, so it does feel as though I am making some headway and am beginning to regain his trust.

I was surprised to see whan I arrived that his friend Helen was in his flat, by that I mean I had presumed that given that we had previously broken up that he would not wish his friends to know that I was still in his life and not that I believe him to be in a relationship as she is less than half his age.

Anyways the weekend went well, just as last I was spoilt. He cooked a three course meal for us (although I did help to chop some veg) and I was wined and dined. We also spent a day shopping, and then relaxing. This week he was very talkative, more so than I have remembered in a long time and it was great to see him smile and enjoy himself. He spoke of his plans for the future, something we have not done in months.

I'm looking forward to our net meeting but again don't want to get too excited by the prospect just in case.

So..... Finger crossed, another week of space and we'll see what happens.

[ttree]

Hi Guys...

 

So I've been sticking to my basic rules, keep contacting him to a minimum unless contacted first. (For the only reason as to not seem to clingy)

Seems to be working, things seem to be getting better and better, we speak daily, usually more than once a day and see each other in the evenings too.

Like I say things are getting better all the time- this week has been really hard as he is working abroad for a few weeks so its been msn or brief calls mostly. Its nice to know he really misses me, I didnt hold out much hope a couple of months ago for us getting back together- but its better than it was before we broke up, we planning on spending the holidays together which I am really looking forward to. Strangely I think I am coping with the time apart better than he is.

Earlier in the week I finished work for the xmas, he asked if I would come and join him abroad as he misses me, it was only until christmas and we would return to the UK together Christmas eve, I said yes and got all excited by the prospect of spending some time with him sooner than I had thought, unfortunately I could get flights there, just none coming back before the new year. Anyhows on the bright side its only 7 days till he is back which is no time at all after you've done NC.

Anyhows I busy myself tidying his flat and may surprise him by putting up a tree for him (haven't decided if this is a bit stalkerish yet) regardless I of the gesture I'll find something to welcome him home when he gets back.

I really miss him, i can't wait.....