soakingitup Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 First off, H and I have been having issues for about 7 months. I've grown tired of the way H has treated me for the past 12 years. It may be too late for things to change as I'm guilty of allowing myself to be treated so poorly for so long. To me this issue is first and foremost to be resolved. I've recently began seeing the benefits of working out. I've improved my attitude and how I feel about how I look at my age. H has admitted to being jealous and testing me to see if I will stay with him. All of this with no reason for him to become this way which has made our situation worse. Regardless, there is another issue that I would appreciate some feedback on. We have a new friend that works with H. At first I didn't think too much of him. He's divorced with two kids from his previous wife. This friend is constantly with us as he is single and lives closeby. After spending time talking with him, I've come to really enjoy his company. He is fun, we have similar interests and always enjoy eachothers company. There's the little things he does like complimenting me on my figure and lingering stares with affection in his eyes. As he is divorced, he has a lot of the qualities that I would like to see in H. I was hoping their friendship would rub off on H and it would improve our relationship. It hasn't, it's only backfired and caused more problems. All of these (and more) little things only fuel my desire to be with him. I want to know how he feels but I'm too chicken sh** to come out and ask him for fear of the reprocussions that it will cause. I'm not good at playing games to pull it out of him in a round about way. I've been told by outside sources that their opinion of my situation is that we both have feelings for each other but out of self respect and respect for H, we don't act on or speak of them. I have to agree but I still want confirmation from him on his feelings. Put yourself in my shoes, would you ask him or just go on living your life and always wondering. I don't plan on acting on anything regardless of the outcome unless I'm no longer with H. Even then, with them being co-workers and friends, it would almost be impossible to have a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 First things first: end your failing marriage. Once that is over, then pursue new things. You will be doing no one involved, including yourself, any favors by going the affair route. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I agree, if the marraige is beyond repair and you feel things wont change, might be best to end things with your husband first. That is the main issue, not how this other guy might feel. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Soakingitup, you know what the moral and ethical thing to do is right? You should end your relationship with your husband before beginning a relationship with someone else. That's not the way it's gonna go though is it? You want a "test drive", maybe even a few dozen "test drives" before you throw away the physical and financial security of your marriage, husband and all. Good old hubby (issues and all) is good enough to bring home the bacon, but not good enough to have earned your respect. When you get caught "test driving" hubby's friend, there will be hell to pay, and hurt feelings everywhere. You can read the probable results all over these pages. Good luck. Hopefully the devestation you cause will be worth the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soakingitup Posted October 25, 2007 Author Share Posted October 25, 2007 LakesideDream, Do you know how to read? I believe I stated that my M is the first and foremost issue that needs to be resolved. It's nice to see that there are people out there who can read a post and have an opinion of someone based on what they get out of the post. Read it again, then again if you still can't get it. I'm not out to test drive a new guy and screw over my H. The M can't be solved with the snap of a finger. Obviously I'm still here and still faithfull (which is questionable on his part). But that's not good enough for you. Because I'm the one posting, I'm the cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 A lot of people look fun and exciting from the outside like your hubby's friend. But he is divorced and there might be a good reason why. Try not to focus on outward appearances and how much he allows you to see. know that every relationship eventually gets a little dull and into dulldroms if there aren't two people working hard on it and spicing it up here and there. Sometimes it's the actual other partner that is the problem but most of the time people get unsatisfied and don't want to put much work or efford into rectifying the situation. our society is based on the notion of "quick fixes" and instant gratification. i know you say this post is about working on your marriage, but for the most part your post revolves around and is spent obsessing over this friend of your hubby's. you say you won't fall into the trap, but dont tempt yourself either by continually interacting with him. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 LakesideDream, Do you know how to read? I believe I stated that my M is the first and foremost issue that needs to be resolved. It's nice to see that there are people out there who can read a post and have an opinion of someone based on what they get out of the post. Read it again, then again if you still can't get it. I'm not out to test drive a new guy and screw over my H. The M can't be solved with the snap of a finger. Obviously I'm still here and still faithfull (which is questionable on his part). But that's not good enough for you. Because I'm the one posting, I'm the cheater. Like I said, good luck! Sounds like you are on the right track, exactly what your question is now is somewhat cloudy. Oh well, I'm sure you and your hubby will sail through this minor bump without trouble. You are obviously a very vertious woman who takes her vow's seriously. Oh... and I learned to read a generation before you were born. Sadly it appears I'm beginning to become senile. Link to post Share on other sites
CorvetteKitten Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Good old hubby (issues and all) is good enough to bring home the bacon, but not good enough to have earned your respect. how quick of you to jump to the conclusion that the man in the relationship is the bread winner.. take a second and think that maybe, just maybe, this woman is the hard worker and the one keeping the family together. Doubts about your partner are normal in every relationship. I dont think her question was "do I cheat on him or not?" It seems to me to be more about finding the guts to say whats on her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soakingitup Posted October 25, 2007 Author Share Posted October 25, 2007 Finally, somebody that gets it! Yes I am the bread winner in the family. I just don't flaunt it like most people would. And yes, I have been the only one trying to keep the family together. As someone who went through their parents divorcing when I was young, this is the last thing I want for our child. However, if there is no way to repair the damage done over the years, I must move on for the benefit of our child growing up to know what a healthy relationship is and hopefully not making the same mistakes we have made. Finally, yes my qustion is do I suck it up and ask H's friend if he has feelings for me. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 And yes, I have been the only one trying to keep the family together. As someone who went through their parents divorcing when I was young, this is the last thing I want for our child. However, if there is no way to repair the damage done over the years, I must move on for the benefit of our child growing up to know what a healthy relationship is and hopefully not making the same mistakes we have made. I think your above statement is what rings true. So many people stay together for the kids because they think its what is best, when alot of times its not best at all. Kids learn what they hear and see. If they see parents in an unhealthy situation, then that says to them that is the way a relationship is supposed to be. That's not good. I think people can be civil, be there for the kids, and be in their kids lives and not be married or live together if things are not good. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Don't poop where you eat. There are lots of men that would find you attractive. This guy just seems to be there now. Your description of him does not lead me to believe you have real true feelings. It sounds like he gives you the attention you have been longing for. Skip away from this guy and find someone at the gym. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Yes I am the bread winner in the family. I just don't flaunt it like most people would.Your husband does work.....yes? So you're not the, "soul" bread winner....correct?And yes, I have been the only one trying to keep the family together.That's could be debated. You've been married 12 years, only been having major issues this past 7 months, but is witnessing improvements....I don't see a big deal here.....sounds like the norm to me.....However, if there is no way to repair the damage done over the years,Unless he's been physically abusive, or unfaithful, just about ANYTHING else can be repaired. It takes WORK on both parties involved. A third, unbiased, party is extremely helpfull as well. Have you two been to or considered counceling?I must move on for the benefit of our child growing up to know what a healthy relationship is and hopefully not making the same mistakes we have made. Sure....teach your kids when the going gets tough, you just pack your bags and leave......that'll certainly improve their chances of a healthy relationship......Finally, yes my qustion is do I suck it up and ask H's friend if he has feelings for me.Suck it up? You mean MUCK it up??? Go for it.....your marriage will be over then for sure.....I feel terrible for your kids.....I really do.... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 It takes WORK on both parties involved. I agree with this. However, if one is doing the work and the otrher is not, or doesn't want too, then there would come a time I would imagine when one person would get tired of doing all the work. And something would need to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Finally, somebody that gets it! Yes I am the bread winner in the family. I just don't flaunt it like most people would. And yes, I have been the only one trying to keep the family together. As someone who went through their parents divorcing when I was young, this is the last thing I want for our child. However, if there is no way to repair the damage done over the years, I must move on for the benefit of our child growing up to know what a healthy relationship is and hopefully not making the same mistakes we have made. Finally, yes my qustion is do I suck it up and ask H's friend if he has feelings for me. No, you dont ask him! By your own definition he is your H friend. Thats not right at all, find another guy to crush on. Now, I sense from the last two posts a huge amount of resentment towards your H. Listen, if you are unable to make this work... what makes you think you can make it work with someone else? Basically what has he done... or what does he do that you cannot forgive or accept? Make no bones about this. Your feelings for the friend have .01% to do with the friend and 99.9% to do with your husband issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 I agree with this. However, if one is doing the work and the otrher is not, or doesn't want too, then there would come a time I would imagine when one person would get tired of doing all the work. And something would need to change.The OP has a total of 4 posts.....we have no clue what the issue(s) are.....so far there's no indication of anything outside the normal relationship issues even healthy marriages encounter..... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Well I agree whatever those issues might be, they need to be addressed. I wasn't meaning for her to just throw in the towel with out trying ALL other things first. She did mention tired of being treated poorly for so long. Not sure what it is he is doing that she feels she is being treated poorly. Anyway I was going based on her saying she was the one that was trying to keep the family together. I took that is, she was doing the most of thee work to hold the marriage together. . I'm simply saying, if two people are NOT willing to work on things or even if just one is and the other is not, then I don't see it really working out. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 I'm simply saying, if two people are NOT willing to work on things or even if just one is and the other is not, then I don't see it really working out.I'm not trying to argue with you......but I don't agree with this statement, (entirely) either. Mrs. Moose kept on, "keeping" on for several years spite my ignorance to any problems she/we were having. I eventually came around because of her patience and perserverance..... As a result, our marriage is stronger than EVER...... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 I'm not trying to argue with you......but I don't agree with this statement, (entirely) either. Mrs. Moose kept on, "keeping" on for several years spite my ignorance to any problems she/we were having. I eventually came around because of her patience and perserverance..... As a result, our marriage is stronger than EVER...... Its good you're not trying to argue with me, becasue I don't argue. That is wondrful Mrs. Moose stayed with you and things are stonger than ever. Seemed to work out for you, and it may can for others as well, but then again might not. And you're welcome to disagree with me. I have no problem with that. Just like I don't agree with this statement. So we can agree to disagree. "Unless he's been physically abusive, or unfaithful, just about ANYTHING else can be repaired. " Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Finally, yes my qustion is do I suck it up and ask H's friend if he has feelings for me. This is the problem right here. Why is it that that's the first thing you want to know? I don't think LakeSide is completely off-base here. It sounds like you want to figure that out BEFORE making a decision on what to do with your marriage. I disagree with LakeSide that your intention is to cheat or any of that, but it does sound like you want to make sure you have somewhere to go before ending what you're in. Am I making sense? I'm not trying to attack you, I'm merely trying to point something out that I'm not sure you noticed yourself. How would you feel about ending your marriage and being single? Think about that very thoroughly... ponder what your life would be like if H's friend did not exist or were not in the picture. Put it this way... my ex gf of 5 years didn't leave me until she already had strong feelings for one of her friends and knew she could be with him. How fair is that to me? Again, not trying to be mean or antagonistic, merely trying to illustrate the flip-side. Link to post Share on other sites
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