Online Romeo...

[Talia]

I am an outgoing, attractive 21 year old uni student. I have never been in a long-term relationship, but have no trouble meeting men. In any case, I was bored one night and decided to put my picture up on one of those online dating places. I got heaps of responses (which was a great boost to the ego, I must admit!) but one guy in particular took my interest. Anyway, we have now been emailing back and forth for about 2 weeks, and I find that I get disappointed if I open my email and he hasn't sent me an email. We have a lot in common, and I probably know more about him than I have about any of my past flings. I just don't want to get my hopes up because the physical chemistry thing is bothering me. Usually I know immediately whether I'm attracted to someone (meeting at a bar or whatever), but although I've seen a picture of him (he's cute) I have no way of knowing whether we will have any chemistry when we meet. I just don't want to lose him as a friend if we meet up and there are no sparks, because at the moment our relationship is kind of built on the anticipation of sharing a romantic interest. It's such an odd situation to be in, I never thought I'd meet anyone online. And it's the reverse problem of what normally happens: instead of meeting a hot guy and him turning out to be a jerk, I have met a decent guy who could turn out to have no sex appeal. What to do??

[Bill]

Romeo existed a long time ago, and I'm sure he doesn't have an internet connection. What you must realize is by talking online you are basically building his character in your mind. You are painting a picture of what he is like. He could be telling you the truth, but he could also be lying.

 

If you do meet and you have no attraction to him, then you cannot be with him. It would not be fair for the both of you. You just have to take that chance.

[jessicakicksbut]

I agree with Bill, but I do believe you owe it to yourself to meet this guy...who knows what the outcome could be. You may have more chemistry with him than with any other guy you were with before, or maybe he will totally turn you off. Nothing ventured....nothing gained!

[clia]

Arrange to meet with him as soon as possible. When online dating, it is always best to move it to real life quickly. (Like exchange a couple e-mails, talk on the phone once, and then meet if you like what you see so far.) If you don't do this, you end up in a "fantasy" relationship in your head with someone you have never actually met. Trust me, I've been through it and someone can seem like a perfect match over e-mail, and then when you meet there is absolutely nothing there.

 

Stop e-mailing him so much. You give him no motivation to move it to real life when you e-mail him every day and let him get his fix of you in that way. Or, in your next e-mail, sweetly suggest that you move it to real life.

[nevergiveup]

Online relationships are interesting.

 

Written words will take the meaning that you want them to take.

 

Without a tone of voice, body language or mannerisms, it's truly hard to feel what's sincere or just what you want to hear.

 

Nothing will be more genuine then a face to face connection between two people. Those who can deceive will find it easier to do so without looking into your eyes. Without looking into their eyes you will be more susceptible to deception.

[moimeme]

and I find that I get disappointed if I open my email and he hasn't sent me an email.

 

Hoo boy, does that sound familiar

 

although I've seen a picture of him (he's cute) I have no way of knowing whether we will have any chemistry when we meet.

 

It's wierd about photos. If you've seen a person in 3D, then photos will remind you of them because you already know their image, however if you've never seen him, you'll find the 2D does a very poor job of conveying the image of the 3D human.

 

I think 'chemistry' is overrated, if by 'chemistry' you mean sexual attractiveness. I've had tons of 'chemistry' with guys who were all wrong in terms of personality. On the other hand, with a couple of very good fellows, there wasn't 'chemistry' initially, but it developed and turned into passion plus. On balance, I'd rather find an excellent fellow who might not initially turn my crank but with whom I may well eventually develop a great deal of passion than take up with some man who makes my knees weak but has not the personal qualities to back the 'chemistry'.

 

I just don't want to lose him as a friend if we meet up and there are no sparks, because at the moment our relationship is kind of built on the anticipation of sharing a romantic interest.

 

I would suggest that you propose the following: that you tell him that like him thus far as a friend and would very much like to continue the friendship no matter what and that you'd like to meet on the agreement that you'll be friends afterward but that you'd like to see what your interaction is like in person. If nobody gets their hopes too far up before the meeting, it will be possible to retain the friendship, however if you get too attached in LD, it will be very hard to be friends only when you meet. I now wish I had taken this route with my internet suitors.

 

Keep in mind that internet and 3D relationships are similar in many ways; at first the tendency is to learn about and grow to like all the good things there are about someone. In both cases, the issues that may shanghai the relationship tend to come out later; in both cases, spending time in each other's company is the only thing which will prove the relationship.

 

In my estimation, the internet can be superior in some ways precisely because 'chemistry' and lust are kept at bay while you get to learn about each other's values and ideals and the other things that are important to know when developing a relationship. That you can relate without lust clouding your judgement can enable you to form a clearer picture of the person you're relating to, IMHO.

 

It's such an odd situation to be in, I never thought I'd meet anyone online

 

Famous 'last' words LOL. Exactly what so many of us thought. It is surprising how attached one can become, as well. You think this will just be a matter of writing to each other impersonally, but somehow the person at the other end of the wire becomes a real entity to you. It was quite disconcerting to me my first time out. Now I know the pitfalls, but I can see how easily people might fall into them - you just don't think it's likely or that you would be the sort of person who would fall into such 'foolishness'. It catches you unawares.

 

And it's the reverse problem of what normally happens: instead of meeting a hot guy and him turning out to be a jerk, I have met a decent guy who could turn out to have no sex appeal. What to do??

 

I seriously believe that this whole focus on 'chemistry' has gotten warped way out of proportion. Given how little a couple's time is devoted to sex versus all the rest of life, it should not hold the lion's share of weight in a relationship but it seems that people are heavily hooked on the idea of 'chemistry' as the be-all and end-all these days. Sex appeal can be created and passion learned; as long as your pheremones don't disagree and so long as you don't actively find the person UNattractive (rather than just neutral), if he is a worthy and good man, then it is worth it to try to become attracted to him since it isn't all that easy to find a good man with whom you're compatible in other ways IMHO.

 

If 'chemistry' was a good predictor of successful relationships, given how many people count on it as a critical component, you'd think the marriages which occurred because the 'chemistry' was great it would succeed in droves.

[Ryan]

All of this around us here....isn't real.

The people you talk to and meet here....not truly them. No matter how much certain people can insist they are honest (and I'm one of them), you'll never get a full view of the individual. EVERY single person online is filtered to some degree...many by their own choosing. It is simply not possible to be everything that you are in such a limited medium.

 

Meeting people online is fine. Attempting to build a real-life relationship on a foundation that isn't real-life will lead to problems. Being aware of this allows us to avoid the trap of glorified fantasy.

[moimeme]

Being aware of this allows us to avoid the trap of glorified fantasy

 

Quite right, sir. As with people who think it's possible to be 'just friends' with married persons of the opposite gender, people can get entangled in internet 'romance' without realizing they're falling until they've fallen. That is an important caution worth issuing.

 

Friendship is a good and realistic aim; more than that and it requires the same investment of time (including living together) that even 3D courtship requires.

 

Whoops! Just realized I forgot to quote the quotes in my above post. Oh well - where it sounds like I'm talking to myself, I'm not LOL.

[Holly]

I agree wholeheartedly with Ryan. This internet/online forum posting/chat room/email thing is so one-dimensional in terms of conveying a human's complex personality. I tend to express myself better via the written word, and some things I may say here I would be unable to articulate verbally. That's just one minor example of why you can't bet the house on an online interaction with someone. It could be an interesting initiator though, as long as your emotions and your plans don't wrap around this person before you truly know him in the flesh. I think you should feel free to meet him and learn about a new person, but with all the pre-conceived notions about where the relationship should go, that is only going to set you up for failure. Expectations are just planned disappointments, as a wise person once said. Be realistic, and by all means, be excited--don't let a realistic mindset rain on your parade of positivity. But have fun with it! Like you even said, you have no trouble meeting guys at school--so why be so hung up on this one? Whether the outcome leaves you with a new friend, boyfriend, or nothing at all...who cares? At least you're living your life free of fear and trepidation! As long as you insure your own safety, there aren't a lot of moves in life that will break you. Living fully is the only way to find what you are capable of receiving, giving, accomplishing, etc.

[Holly]

I just realized this is more of an archival post... Maybe Talia will return to share the outcome of her situation?

[moimeme]

I tend to express myself better via the written word, and some things I may say here I would be unable to articulate verbally.

 

And that's the very reason I like forums. Sometimes one can say things better in writing, or do so more freely. Quite often, I'll have a dicussion with someone, reflect upon it, and follow through with a letter with more information or clarification because interesting issues and ideas continue to percolate.

[jenny]

i think one can garner enough from textual information to decide no, but never enough to decide yes.

 

i keep thinking of the discussion posted awhile ago, when they were comparing internet to victorian 'epistle' courtship, and i think that several key pieces of information can be sussed out from text <not from what exactly they say, because who knows if that's true> but how they say it.

 

i, like the victorians before me, can get a pretty good idea of the cultural/political viewpoints of posters here, <there are no radicals here, really, and when one appears they are posted against vehemently, for example> as well as a vague approximation of their education level, their life approach, and, most importantly, (to me) their senses of humour.

 

which is, of course, not enough to buy coffee. but it is enough to think, o dear god, how awful it would be to go a car trip with online entity A.