Just dumpee's that post about wanting back ex's or dumpers also???

[bigheartkindsoul]

I have seen so many times on here and other sites, that it appears (and might not be the case) that it is the dumpee's that post on such sites wanting and yearning for their ex's back in there lives.

 

I thankfully do not want mine back, although would still like an apology for the way and when he did it (long story see other thread if interested) but know I am better off moving on to someone more suited to me (if that makes sense). I just am curious about this subject.

 

Anyone else wonder or think how come dumper's don't post asking why, how and what to do to win them back?

 

Is it cause they think they have the upperhand?

Could it be they just don't care anymore?

Do they ever feel guilty?

Do they not feel bad and have to heal like a dumpee does?

Any other reasons?

 

Also do you think this - with a dumpee we first remember the good things about them and the good times and miss them, but in time we move past it and remember the bad stuff. However when a dumper dumps they are thinking about the bad stuff, bad times and in time once this subsides start to remember the good times and hence then why some get incontact again???

 

Hoping that also made sense

 

Be well all

 

BHKS

xxxx

 

[birdie]

I started using this site after deciding not to get back together with my ex (I broke up with him) because I had a lot of self-doubts and kept second guessing my decision. I felt bad and felt guilty as well but reading about other people's experiences and all the different scenarios was enough, didn't feel like I had to put my own thread up.

 

I think there are quite a few people that just read here and don't post stuff

[yippkiyay]

Usually the dumper is not sufferin the same depression the dumpee is. They don't see a reason to reach out for understanding or support. But what goes around comes around. There day will come

[MattyTee]

Although I'm not speaking from experience (one relationship and I was left) I think that it's just a matter of coping. When someone makes the decision to break up with their partner they have to believe that it is the right thing to do. Focusing on the bad things in the relationship makes it a lot easier. When you are causing someone else a lot of pain there is bound to be guilt involved and one reaction to that is to shut off from it. It's just a matter of blocking it out.

 

I'm sure it's entirely possible that some 'dumpers' go through many of the same feelings we do, perhaps earlier (before they actually 'dump' you) or perhaps a lot later when blocking it out no longer works. I recently found out that my ex has had a lot of trouble sleeping and eating and has been really stressed out - all things which I've experienced.

 

But who knows eh.

[bigheartkindsoul]

But what goes around comes around. There day will come

 

No offence to any dumpers, but by gove I hope so - but I'm not bitter....lol

[selena_cat]

Usually the dumper is not sufferin the same depression the dumpee is. They don't see a reason to reach out for understanding or support. But what goes around comes around. There day will come

 

Amen to that,what comes around goes around

[MattyTee]

I can honestly say that I hope my ex will never have to go through what I've been through! Having said that, I hope she's able to take a good look at herself during this time too

[puhpee30]

I am/ was the dumper in my recent relationship. I regret doing it and even before I did regret, I was feeling so bad. This was the first time I was ever the dumper and it is so hard and painful too. I want him back and I so so regret breaking up with him...

 

I see now how dumpers can feel bad too... I miss my ex boyfriend so much.

[bigheartkindsoul]

I am/ was the dumper in my recent relationship. I regret doing it and even before I did regret, I was feeling so bad. This was the first time I was ever the dumper and it is so hard and painful too. I want him back and I so so regret breaking up with him...

 

I see now how dumpers can feel bad too... I miss my ex boyfriend so much.

 

 

Wow thanks for your honesty in that response.

 

It does seem though that more dupmees post about how bad they feel than I hear from dumpers.

[Trialbyfire]

Dumper here as well. I can't speak for other dumpers but yes, I do experience the pain of separation. It can be quite intense and lasting, reliant on the depth of emotion experienced during the relationship. It's basically what the dumpee feels but from the opposite side of "If xyz person loved me, why couldn't he have addressed those issues or why did he take those actions, to risk all, for nothing?".

 

No, I never feel any guilt because it's stated upfront why I'm gone and no, they are never new issues. They are unresolved issues which continue to compound or non-negotiable issues such as cheating.

 

As for the upperhand, who cares when you're going through the same pain? The thought is that it's worth it, in order to find someone who cares enough about me, to consider me a priority and values all of me, not as an addendum to themselves.

 

When I set my mind to doing something, it always gets accomplished. If it's set to moving on, it will happen.

[birdie]

I understand the bitterness by people that had been dumped (really hate that word!) but maybe I can put my point of view to you.

 

When I broke up with people in the past, it was the case because I felt that either the relationship wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want to get into it deeper or that we couldn't really resolve conflicts together and weren't compatible.

 

I felt at times that I tried harder than the other person but came a point where I had to give up. This can be painful because as a dumper you don't always feel that the other cares, it is sometimes about just expectations and who breaks the relationship first.

 

I suppose there is also the point sort of along with TBF above is about moving on. Life is about making choices and decisions and when something is not working - as long you have tried enough and gave the other person a chance - you have to take a different path. That applies to everything, even relationships. It hurts but there is nothing worse than being stuck in something dysfunctional. I never broke up with anyone just because I got bored of them or stopped loving them.

[bigheartkindsoul]

I understand the bitterness by people that had been dumped (really hate that word!) but maybe I can put my point of view to you.

 

When I broke up with people in the past, it was the case because I felt that either the relationship wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want to get into it deeper or that we couldn't really resolve conflicts together and weren't compatible.

 

I felt at times that I tried harder than the other person but came a point where I had to give up. This can be painful because as a dumper you don't always feel that the other cares, it is sometimes about just expectations and who breaks the relationship first.

 

I suppose there is also the point sort of along with TBF above is about moving on. Life is about making choices and decisions and when something is not working - as long you have tried enough and gave the other person a chance - you have to take a different path. That applies to everything, even relationships. It hurts but there is nothing worse than being stuck in something dysfunctional. I never broke up with anyone just because I got bored of them or stopped loving them.

 

I agree with what you say, when something is not working, when you just are not compatible and you feel like the OP is lazy, given up, doesn'tcare then what is the point after trying so much and many times.

 

With my ex though he gave up, when I had been to hell and back for us, to keep us together because of his lies and BS. So I am bitter at him, also because of the way he dumped me, I had just come out of hospital and he made a judgement call on why I felt really depressed would not believe the Docs that it was the general anestetic and dumped me.

 

I should have left him way before, if only I had not lost the plot and been able too....hey hum.

[ncpd25]

BHKS,

 

I think there could be many variables as to what dumpers think and feel.

 

If somebody is being cheated on and lied to and they dump they're SO, good for them and they shouldn't feel bad or guilty. They should run and not look back.

 

There are others that like to play high school headgames and walk all over they're SO, tell them they're in love with them one day and walk away the next. Most of them probably don't even think about their actions and how it will hurt the other person. Chances are they'll not think twice about it.

 

I think it all depends on the individual and the circumstances. Some will feel guilty and will have to go through a healing period and others won't.

 

I think I'm getting to a point, where I'm begining to think more about myself and not care about my ex. She is a fruitloop, has her head up her a$$ and is free to do what she wants. I found out more information about her after the break-up that made me realize, that I'm lucky to be away from her. She's a compulsive liar.

 

By the way, your ex is an absolute fool, you're beautiful!!

[bigheartkindsoul]

BHKS,

 

I think there could be many variables as to what dumpers think and feel.

 

If somebody is being cheated on and lied to and they dump they're SO, good for them and they shouldn't feel bad or guilty. They should run and not look back.

 

There are others that like to play high school headgames and walk all over they're SO, tell them they're in love with them one day and walk away the next. Most of them probably don't even think about their actions and how it will hurt the other person. Chances are they'll not think twice about it.

 

I think it all depends on the individual and the circumstances. Some will feel guilty and will have to go through a healing period and others won't.

 

I think I'm getting to a point, where I'm begining to think more about myself and not care about my ex. She is a fruitloop, has her head up her a$$ and is free to do what she wants. I found out more information about her after the break-up that made me realize, that I'm lucky to be away from her. She's a compulsive liar.

 

By the way, your ex is an absolute fool, you're beautiful!!

 

Thank you for the compliement very nice of you to say

 

I just wish that I was the one to dump as I was the one lied too, I should have been stronger, hindsight is wondeful isn't it .

 

That said I am glad to be out of it, regardless and know I am back to my normal self instead of the wreak he helped turn me into.

 

BTW - my ex also a compulsive liar!!!

[amaysngrace]

I would say that a liar lies to himself/herself first so their feelings aren't really all that deep.

 

I don't think in your instance he's giving a crap about hurting you too much or missing you too much if he's blocking out his feelings.

 

But when he gets back in touch with his feelings I bet he'll be kicking himself in the ass.

 

Just the world as I see it...

[ncpd25]

Yeah, Relationships....When they're good, there the best thing in the world and when they're bad, it feels like your life couldn't get any worse.

 

I've heard that going through this will make me a stronger person. Personally, I could think of other ways to strengthen myself.

 

The more I thought about circumstances with my ex, I began to realize that she's somebody I really don't need in my life. Why would I want to be with somebody that I'll never be able to trust. She lies to herself as well.

She always came across as having a head on her shoulders. She is very confident with her job, but she really is a trainwreck when it comes to her personal life.

 

She tells EVERYBODY she has been divorced 4 years. I just learned that her husband filed against her (not her against him, like she said) in July '06. The divorce was finalized August '07. She had court dates while we were together!

 

She couldn't be honest about that?? It wasn't only me but her friends as well that she said that to. It really seems her entire life is a lie and she's trying to convince herself of certain things to make herself feel better.

 

She had me fooled though. I really trusted her (I had no reason not to or so I thought). She betrayed my trust and that's something, she'll never be able to fix.

[birdie]

it sounds like she is really insecure. it must have really hurt her that her husband filed that divorce against her. don't necessarily mean emotionally but her pride and self-worth. not that it's an excuse of course. she needs to sort herself out

[ncpd25]

Birdie,

 

I would think anybody that has divorce papers served on themselves would feel terrible and yes, I do believe my ex is very insecure.

 

To be honest with you, I think my ex was cheating on her husband with her boyfriend. Her b/f's wife divorced him for cheating on her. My ex told me, she was dating him immediately after she got separated. I don't think it's coincidence that he happened to be there when she separated.

 

I get the impression, she suffered a lot as a result of the separation/divorce. She told me she was antidepressants for a while. So, if it did effect her self worth etc....I'm afraid, she brought it on herself. She never even took time to recover from all of this. She went from getting separated, immediately dating her boyfriend on and off for 4 years (He cheated and lied to her). Broke up with her boyfriend, started dating me, finalized her divorce and then dumped me (she may have gotten back with her b/f, I don't know). I think she has her profile on Match.com now.

 

I think she needs to straighten herself out first before she pursues another relationship. It will continue to be a vicious cycle.

 

I still don't see the point in lying about it (unless the insecurities got the best of her). She told me she would always be up front with me.

 

She was a real disappointment but, I do feel sorry for her in a way. Had she been honest instead of lying to me from the start, I would have had respect for her and she could have retained her integrity.

[birdie]

honesty would have required strength on her part and she sounds like a very weak person who isn't able to function on her own, nor in a relationship. well, you are better off without her by the sound of it. people go off the rails sometimes but she sounds pretty far gone to me

[ncpd25]

Yes, it's a shame. She comes across as being very "together", sincere and genuine. I suppose, she puts up a good front.

 

I was angry that she handled things the way she did. She knew how I felt about rebounds and betrayal. She chose to do all the things that were big negatives to me. I now understand she has many issues that she should work through (I don't think she will, at least not yet).

 

I think for her to go on Match.com is a big mistake. Seems she's just continuing to run from her issues and not address them. I told her I had no desire to speak with her or see her. I feel as if I could speak with her about how she's feeling but, I won't contact her and I highly doubt she'd ever call me (She told me many positive things and said she cared about me a great deal. Don't know if it's true or not). I wish I could be there for her but, I can't fix her. She needs to admit to her issues before she can do anything.

[jasmichaels]

I am a dumper: Dumped him in Jan., regretted it intensely, asked for him back 3 months later, he said no bc I had hurt him by breaking up with him, did the obsessive calling for a month, figured it was a lost cause, gave up and started to move on, then he contacted me 6 months later and said he still loved me and that he just had to get over being angry. We are trying it again, very very slowly.

 

Question: Do dumpees genuinely forgive their dumpers for stupid rash decisions? I am so so paranoid and have been reading into every little thing he does, hoping to come up with a sign he is not being sincere. We had dated 2.5 yrs and had plans to get married...now I feel we are starting all over again...is there really a chance?

[ncpd25]

jas,

 

The 2 of you have a pretty significant time together. I don't know the circumstances but, I can tell you, if my ex contacted me, I would be very apprehensive about trusting her again (see above). What happened to the two of you?

 

Maybe your ex just needed some time for things to sink in and he needed to absorb what happened. It sounds as if he may still care about you but, he needed to get over the hurt he experienced.

 

What caused your break-up?

[jasmichaels]

He was my first boyfriend (first in every aspect) and I got cold feet, thinking it was impossible to have met the man I was to marry on my first one. So I broke it off, broke this poor man's heart, and missed him since.

[ncpd25]

Those are forgiveable circumstances. You got scared and reacted. He probably thought about you recontacting him and took some time to work through his feelings.

 

You didn't tell him lie after lie, you didn't cheat on him, go behind his back and then dump him. You got scared. Forgiveable...

 

If my ex called me, I would be very apprehensive to trust her again (She told me many lies). We've been split up for 6 weeks but, I still have feelings of anger towards her at times. She would have to prove to me that she can be trusted and not tell me lie after lie. It would certainly take some time before I would totally trust her (If that's possible).

 

I think the two of you need to take it slow, work through things, communicate and be honest with each other. If something troubles you, maybe you can talk to him about it and work through it together. There may be times, he doesn't know what your thinking or how you're feeling. If he does, then he can do what needs to be done to make things work. Just take it slowly....

 

If I was a betting man, I would bet money that he's being sincere and he cares about you and the relationship.

[MattyTee]

I would agree with ncpd on his sincerity. If you read around on here a bit you will see that a lot of hurt can be caused by someone leaving you. It doesn't mean that that can't be forgiven but it will take time, when you have been hurt once like that you will put up defenses to prevent it happening again (even if you don't want to).

 

I completely understand your paranoia but I think in the long run it is unhealthy for both of you. You will make him feel like he's being watched and no one likes that. You need to trust him first of all and help him to trust you in return. Communication (as ncp says) is totally vital here. You need to be honest and understand with each other. It's a two-way street, you both need to put effort in to communicate well.

 

My fiance left me a little over 3 months ago now and she was my first everything (and I her). I am older, nearly 30 and she is younger. I think a part of her leaving was that she wondered if the first 'one' could really be the one. Her sisters have certainly told me that the first one can't be the one - which I think is ridiculous. Relationships take work, it's something people don't always realise or understand. When things get rough they think I want it to be back how it was, I don't want to have to work for this! Err, anyway my point being that I still want to be with her and despite all the pain and I have already forgiven her for everything. That isn't dependent on her getting back together with me either.

 

If he wasn't genuine I doubt very much that he would have got back in contact with you. He sounds like he has been very honest, he's accepted he was angry (and probably very hurt) and done the right thing - that being taking time for himself. I think at the least respect that, he sounds strong