Just dumpee's that post about wanting back ex's or dumpers also???

[bigheartkindsoul]

I am a dumper: Dumped him in Jan., regretted it intensely, asked for him back 3 months later, he said no bc I had hurt him by breaking up with him, did the obsessive calling for a month, figured it was a lost cause, gave up and started to move on, then he contacted me 6 months later and said he still loved me and that he just had to get over being angry. We are trying it again, very very slowly.

 

Question: Do dumpees genuinely forgive their dumpers for stupid rash decisions? I am so so paranoid and have been reading into every little thing he does, hoping to come up with a sign he is not being sincere. We had dated 2.5 yrs and had plans to get married...now I feel we are starting all over again...is there really a chance?

 

 

Ok so I ask is it only female dumpers that post on here?

 

For me hun I am afraid because of when my ex dumped me, I will not take him back, why - well why would I want to have a really LT relationship with someone whom is happy to dump someone when they have just come out of hospital.

 

What would happen if I had a kid with them, would they run at the first sign of having to be more supportive, what if I got post natal depression, again would they run? So you can see I am thinking of myself and my future, he left me to fend for myself when i couldn't walk from having an epidural in my back to ease a slipped disc, he left me and I had to call an ambulance - the next day he dumped me.

[Els]

Well, I'm replying from the perspective of a dumper who was in a serious relationship.

 

Yes, at the point which I broke up with my ex, I really felt nothing. I really didn't care anymore. However, I think it might be just me, and partly because I don't do things like breaking up in the heat of emotions and then wanting to get back, etc. He hurt me so much (emotionally), over and over, despite my attempts and even pleas to set things right, that I finally seriously started considering breaking up. I thought over it for weeks, in fact. So, by the time I broke the news to him, I'd already moved on, so to speak. The hurt and pain and coping was all done before.

 

His began then... but I barely spared a thought for that. Not really because of vindictiveness -- I took no pleasure in it, but more due to the fact that I knew it was something that I had to do, and he deserved nothing better.

 

It's been nearly a year now, and should he ever ask, I would never take him back. Even if I were still single. Ever since the breakup, I'd never once considered going back either.

 

I don't speak for all dumpers though.

[bustertypsy]

Puhpee30,I feel your pain.I know that dumpers go through their own emotional turmoil after a break up.

But with you Puhpee,you have said it loud and clear,you miss your ex.

So what are you going to do about it???!!!

Are you going to tell us here in the forum.Maybe tell your friends,workmates,family members? Do you not think the person you should be telling is your boyfriend?

You owe it to him,and to you, to tell him!! So swallow any pride you may have that is stopping you, and tell him NOW!!!.If he loves you then he will accept you,no doubts.

 

 

Your LS friend

 

Buster

[bustertypsy]

Jasmichaels,I do believe that dumpees forgive,once there was not a third party involved.In your case I think there was not a third party.

You made an error of the heart by ending with your ex.You corrected that error by contacting him and telling him so. Well done!

I hope things work out,I feel they will,cos you have laid your cards,heart,soul on the table.If he has any sense,he will see this,in time.

 

 

Good Luck to you both!!!

 

 

Buster

[MattyTee]

Well, I'm replying from the perspective of a dumper who was in a serious relationship.

 

Yes, at the point which I broke up with my ex, I really felt nothing. I really didn't care anymore. However, I think it might be just me, and partly because I don't do things like breaking up in the heat of emotions and then wanting to get back, etc. He hurt me so much (emotionally), over and over, despite my attempts and even pleas to set things right, that I finally seriously started considering breaking up. I thought over it for weeks, in fact. So, by the time I broke the news to him, I'd already moved on, so to speak. The hurt and pain and coping was all done before.

 

His began then... but I barely spared a thought for that. Not really because of vindictiveness -- I took no pleasure in it, but more due to the fact that I knew it was something that I had to do, and he deserved nothing better.

 

It's been nearly a year now, and should he ever ask, I would never take him back. Even if I were still single. Ever since the breakup, I'd never once considered going back either.

 

I don't speak for all dumpers though.

 

That sounds very similar to my ex. She's moved on very quickly but I think it's because she already had in mind what was going on and went through it all before. It ends up making her look pretty heartless but I understand even if I'm having trouble forgiving right now. She never communicated with me what was going on for her, never explained what she needed but of course now that is all my fault

 

Ah well...

[Lizzie60]

Is it cause they think they have the upperhand?

 

Not necessarily...

 

Could it be they just don't care anymore?

 

That's the most probable reason... they dumped them...they just don't want to have anything to do with them anymore ..

 

Do they ever feel guilty?

 

Hard to say... probably not... why would they, except if there are kids involved.

 

Do they not feel bad and have to heal like a dumpee does?

 

Maybe.... but I would think that it is much easier for the dumper to heal?

 

Any other reasons?

 

There are tons of reasons why one leaves... I have always been the dumper (except for one time) and I knew I had to leave... it was hard because I had kids... It triggered a very deep depression, but it wasn't because of my ex... it was much deeper. I never missed 'him' one second...

[puhpee30]

Puhpee30,I feel your pain.I know that dumpers go through their own emotional turmoil after a break up.

But with you Puhpee,you have said it loud and clear,you miss your ex.

So what are you going to do about it???!!!

Are you going to tell us here in the forum.Maybe tell your friends,workmates,family members? Do you not think the person you should be telling is your boyfriend?

You owe it to him,and to you, to tell him!! So swallow any pride you may have that is stopping you, and tell him NOW!!!.If he loves you then he will accept you,no doubts.

 

 

Your LS friend

 

Buster

 

Sadly, I did talk to him last wednesday... I was pretty tipsy and ended up sleeping with him... Once I sobered up, I talked to him. He told me its OVER. And that I was a nag for messaging him on what is going on between us. He was saying coldy how we aren't compatible and he just wants us to be friends and has no time for me anymore.. It was pretty bad. He was screaming and COLD. He told me he'd talk to me a day after since I told him that we cant part with him raising his voice at me. But he never called. Also, he stopped calling, texting or IMing...

 

I dont know what to do. I guess I cant do anything anymore...

[bustertypsy]

Puhpee,

I am sorry for the way he treated you.

He should have more respect for you.I suspect that probably he was giving you a hard time as a punishment for you ending the relationship to begin with.That is no excuse for his behaviour.

 

You said you were a bit tipsy.It is important to have a sober mind when dealing with such important issues.Maybe you wouldn't have ended up sleeping with him!?

I suggest you go straight back to the NC mode and start the healing process.Stay away from him,full stop.If he realises he treated you badly then his conscience will tell him so,and you will get an apology....maybe more.But in the meantime,as you say yourself,you can't do anymore.

Doing nothing(NC)is the BEST thing to do.

 

 

Oh...love... You say in love there are no rules

Oh...love...

Sweetheart,

You're so cruel

(Bono)

[puhpee30]

Yeah, I've doing NC. He IM'ed me once that he got a big contract and called me (drunk dialled i think) twice... Haven't answered. Hopefully someday he'll see that screaming was uncalled for... I still miss him though but oh well. I am determined that I will heal....

[serendip]

I'm not sure if I'm the dumper...well I told the ex good riddance when I found out she went behind my back on a date with the guy she cheated on me with(after I had already forgiven her). She lied to me and said she went out with her roommate(which I instantly knew it was a lie) for ice cream. Then after I confronted her...she told me she met the guy to tell him she wants to be with me. I would believe her but as soon as we broke up she started dating the guy(2 days later).

 

I felt awful and hurt...and at the time I felt regret for breaking up with her...thinking we could have work things out. Now she is justiflying her actions by saying the long distance was too hard(6 mths LDR and a year together in the same city). Part of me is still upset and another part of me just dealing with the loss of someone I loved deeply.

[slygambler]

I'm not sure if I'm the dumper...well I told the ex good riddance when I found out she went behind my back on a date with the guy she cheated on me with(after I had already forgiven her). She lied to me and said she went out with her roommate(which I instantly knew it was a lie) for ice cream. Then after I confronted her...she told me she met the guy to tell him she wants to be with me. I would believe her but as soon as we broke up she started dating the guy(2 days later).

 

I felt awful and hurt...and at the time I felt regret for breaking up with her...thinking we could have work things out. Now she is justiflying her actions by saying the long distance was too hard(6 mths LDR and a year together in the same city). Part of me is still upset and another part of me just dealing with the loss of someone I loved deeply.

 

I feel for you. I think our stories are closer than I can imagine, and I also agree at feeling regret because of the want to work things out.

 

I guess, to be on point with the thread, is that it isn't always the dumpee who wants the ex back. But, that also doesn't mean that it is possible. Dumpers may want the relationship back, but there may be a few things that will not allow you to get back together with them. Trust being one. Although I grieve everyday and wish things were different, the only thought that keeps me going now is that I'm doing the right thing for me. It still doesn't help the hurt or crying or pain I feel, but I know that I would not be able to survive down the road with the same problems.

[bustertypsy]

I hear you Sly.

There is never a point in getting back together again,unless a lesson has been learnt during the break.I think in your case ,trust was broken and you don't want to go back to a situation that would only cause you pain again,in the future.Very sensible thinking!

 

When trust is broken(it reminds me of a car that has been in a crash,and the mechanic says "too badly damaged,can't be fixed.....a write off,totalled)I don't think it can be magically restored.

I don't think I could ever trust again,but that's my opinion.

Circumstances and people make for so many different permatations.What's the point in making up,only to feel this hurt again,further down the road and have to go through the pain again.In any situation,I think you have to go with your gut instinct and eventually the heart will give in and agree with the mind.Hope my contribution helped.....a little!

 

Look after your heart,it's very fragile.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Usually the dumper is not sufferin the same depression the dumpee is. They don't see a reason to reach out for understanding or support. But what goes around comes around. There day will come

 

you make it sound like every dumper is evil. not every person who ends a relationship is a jerk. sometimes relationships don't work out. would you stay with someone and fake a whole relationship just to make someone else happy? i hope not.

 

i mean no offense, but it's not the dumper's fault if they don't want to be with you; you can't force feelings that just aren't there anymore.

 

and dumpers don't typically post because most give it careful consideration before a break-up, and are fairly certain they are making the right choice before they end it. in those cases, there's no little to no grief or regret involved. it's not a "oh, i think i'll hurt this person today" kind of thing. it's more like "i can't do this anymore, i don't want to be with this person, and i need to end it out of fairness for me and for the other person."

 

why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you? and maybe more importantly, why do you expect them to stay with you when they don't want to?

[YeahBaby]

I'm a dumper who has realised her mistake a little late. My ex and I are speaking again, but whether I ruined everything still remains to be seen. I do not believe I have the upperhand; basically we split up because we both had issues and I needed a break for us to both get over them.

 

We're now both happy and healthy, but he has moved on a lot more than I did. *heartbroken*

 

Good luck to you xx

[Numerouno]

As of yesterday, for the first time in my life, I am officially a dumper! It was also the first time I've used my mobile phone for this purpose (highly recommended, as you can concentrate on the subject at hand as opposed to, for example, wondering if she's going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea or to get the big carving knife out with the intention of turning you into a puzzle So here's my thoughts regarding the last 24 hours...

 

I have found myself occasionally and briefly thinking about missing her, but I certainly don't need to know "how and what to do to win them back" because overall my thoughts are consumed by relief and happiness :)

 

I fully believe that I have the upperhand. This is because I had control over the split. This of course can change if I decide to call her ("Hi babe, yeah good thanks, yeah I just thought I'd ring and - What's that? No I don't have your Black Eyed Peas CD. And thanks to my text messages, I don't have a black eye either! You're not in the mood for jokes? Gee, I thought you would be, now that the joke's on you. What's that? You've lost your direction in life? Well, I'll have a look behind the couch, but I can't promise anything. Come on baby there's no need to swear like that. Anyway, I better go now. Have a nice day. By the way, I dumped... you. Bye!"

 

There's a part of me that still cares (10%) but 90% of me cares more about me and my life. And there's no guilt, because my actions were totally justified.

 

Yes, I will miss the good times increasingly over time but (due to the surprisingly huge amount of self respect that I have gained from this whole scenario) I would be an idiot to even consider contacting her in an attempt to get back together. And, if she tried contacting me for the same reason, I would love it because then I would have the chance to reject her again and also show her that I have moved on and that my life has improved because I got rid of her.

 

In this thread yippkiyay mentioned that "what goes around comes around. There day will come." I've had some serious/major dumpee experiences in the past. Pure hell. So, the way I see it is that my day has already come. And, when those days were occurring, I made sure I learnt a lot from the experience so that I never put myself in that position again.

 

Yesterday, when I also was trying to learn from the situation, I made a list of her negative traits that I would no longer have to deal with, now that I'm free. I managed to get 32 things on that list before I didn't need to do any more (e.g. "20 Don't have to deal with her ignorance (i.e. refusing to accept the facts/the truth, even when it's as plain as day.") That helped a lot and I probably should print it out and stick it on the fridge

 

The extra good thing (hooray!) about this split is that physically she is a very beautiful woman. So far, she's the most attractive woman I have ever been with. For example, virtually every time we went out in public, blokes continually would come up and say "hi" to her or give her "the look" etc. What a headache that was! Anyway, my point is, despite having various relationships during the course of her life (rich men, trendy guys, you name it)... She's never ever been dumped before.

 

YES !!!

 

YEEEEESSSSSSSSS !!! :)

 

Doo, doo, doo, another one bite's the dust! Come on, sing along !!!

[kitkat289]

hey numero uno I loved reading your post...lol and I feel I might be feeling the same taste sometime soon.I would LOVE to read your list of the negative things she had because I also wanna make one like that.Please please please post it here...

[mystic_pizza]

Hi, I am the "dumper" in this case, but I do not, in any way, feel good about it at all. We were only dating for a few months and I really started to fall for him in a pretty big way, but he had too much emotional turmoil going on in his life. He is separated from his wife (separated a year before I came along) and is consumed with massive guilt about his children. I understand because I went through it myself years ago, but I was getting treated like I was added pressure (and believe me I am not) through no fault of my own. So, I decided that it hurt too much to be treated like that and broke up with him last Thursday.

 

I didn't want to break up, but I couldn't allow myself to be treated in the way he was treating me, so I ended the relationship. I have been hurting ever since. The thing is, I have too much respect for myself to accept less than I deserve. I won't call him...been tempted a few times but I won't. I left the door open for him to call if and when he gets his life in balance and I won't consider anything otherwise. It's too painful.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd chime and let you know that the "dumpers" feel a lot of pain too...I certainly am right now.

 

Does that help?

[Numerouno]

kitkat289 - I'd LOVE to post it! But no can do... I don't like the fees lawyer's charge!

[Trialbyfire]

There's a part of me that still cares (10%) but 90% of me cares more about me and my life. And there's no guilt, because my actions were totally justified.

You sound so light and uncaring about ditching someone, so soon afterwards. I'm not challenging that you're justified to your action or that you shouldn't/shouldn't feel guilt.

 

What I'm challenging is, did you ever really care deeply for her?

[RecordProducer]

Yes, I will miss the good times increasingly over time but (due to the surprisingly huge amount of self respect that I have gained from this whole scenario) I would be an idiot to even consider contacting her in an attempt to get back together. And, if she tried contacting me for the same reason, I would love it because then I would have the chance to reject her again and also show her that I have moved on and that my life has improved because I got rid of her.

Wow, this is so educating!

 

In this thread yippkiyay mentioned that "what goes around comes around. There day will come."

That's such BS! It's not a crime to break-up a relationship. Just because it hurt person A doesn't mean that person B should stay with then forever. It's completely sick to feel entitled to somebody's love. I know that in some circumstances the dumper is mean (e.g. husband leaves wife during battle with cancer). But if somebody broke up an engagement cuz they realized that you're not the one - can you blame them? It's their life - their choice. This world is not designed to make YOU happy and everyone else can go to hell. (When I say "YOU" I mean anyone who thinks this way, the rhetorical you.)

 

Yesterday, when I also was trying to learn from the situation, I made a list of her negative traits that I would no longer have to deal with, now that I'm free. I managed to get 32 things on that list before I didn't need to do any more (e.g. "20 Don't have to deal with her ignorance (i.e. refusing to accept the facts/the truth, even when it's as plain as day.") That helped a lot and I probably should print it out and stick it on the fridge

You sound no different than a dumpee!

 

The extra good thing (hooray!) about this split is that physically she is a very beautiful woman. So far, she's the most attractive woman I have ever been with. For example, virtually every time we went out in public, blokes continually would come up and say "hi" to her or give her "the look" etc. What a headache that was! Anyway, my point is, despite having various relationships during the course of her life (rich men, trendy guys, you name it)... She's never ever been dumped before.

It seems like you've made a ego-boosting business out of your break-up. Gotta wonder if you dumped her for the sake of dumping her.

 

YES !!!

 

YEEEEESSSSSSSSS !!! :)

 

Doo, doo, doo, another one bite's the dust! Come on, sing along !!!

 

I didn't want to break up, but I couldn't allow myself to be treated in the way he was treating me, so I ended the relationship. I have been hurting ever since. The thing is, I have too much respect for myself to accept less than I deserve.

Smart girl.

[bigheartkindsoul]

It's BHKS!!! Lol

 

My curiousity to this subject comes from, how many threads do you read on here saying "I have been dumped, I was left" etc compared to how many you read saying "I have dumped I was the dumper". Not as many.

 

So it seems only from the LS snapshot that dumpers do not hurt as much and have the deperation for help and answers the way that dumpee's do.

 

And at the time of creation, I wanted to know, and hoped my ex was gonna suffer.

 

But am getting to the point where I just do not care. ( althought not quite )

[RecordProducer]

Urgh... I didn't quote some parts correctly, now some things look likie I said them.

The YES< YESSSSSSSS< DOO< DOO... is not MY fault.

[Numerouno]

You sound no different than a dumpee!

 

Nah, the way I see it...

 

A dumpee would initially be angry, shocked, bitter, confused and frustrated (especially mine since she certainly didn't see it coming) so they don't need a list like that. Instead, she's probably already made a huge list of ways to kill me! She was a crazy one that's for sure!

 

Sexy and crazy...... What the hell was I thinking!?!?!

 

Oh..... that's right, I thought I could change her!

 

Whereas I (the dumper) am feeling good overall, with the occassional brief period of sadness (when I remember the happy times) just to keep me on my friggin' toes. Damn you brain!!!

 

The thing is, I made the list because (especially in the future) that brain of mine may increasingly continue to emphasize those happy times (resulting in my sadness) and not the unhappy times, which is dangerous ground in terms of breaking the NC. In other words, the list can be used as a reminder to keep my head screwed on straight.. just in case I get the urge to pick up the phone and conta- I don't want to even think about it!

 

Now, please let me be... I'm grieving!!! Bwa ha ha ha!!!

 

BTW - Her (milestone) birthday is this week... Nice one.

[sedgwick]

Oh, numerouno...everything you're saying just breaks my heart. So dumpers DO just go on their merry happy way, huh? You're even laughing at her. Now I'm even more certain that's what my ex is doing with me.

[heartoutside]

I disagree with some of what has been said. I think we all have to understand that every one of our situations are different. That's why I think coming to LS for answers is the wrong idea. I came here for answers at first, but realized that the replies I got from other LSers could only be seen as advice, not an "ANSWER" to my problem(s).

 

I'm just going to say that the dumper doesn't always go on their marry way and forget about the past or never realize they made a mistake. There are a lot of factors that play a roll in how the dumper will react; the reasons for breaking up, how the relationship was before the break up, how long you were together, the list can go on and on. I do think the 2 biggest factors are the length of the relationship and how good the relationship was. The shorter the relationship (ie just a few months) there is far far less of a chance that the relationship was anything "true." There wasn't enough time to create those moments, and that bond.

 

Now, if you (the dumpee) will ever know that your ex is feeling that way (regret, or missing you ) is another story. Pride, embarrassment, fear and several other reasons could keep your ex from ever telling you or waiting until it is too late to tell you how they feel, or telling you they regret ever leaving.

 

I don't want to give anyone false hope. I can't stress it enough that every situation is different and only the poster knows what they feel they should do. There are going to be those dumpers out there that will be those A-holes and be happy and forget what they had, but there will also be those that regret ever walking away and cry every day. But there will also be dumpers who fall somewhere inbetween, aren't aholes, but know things are better off as they are.