Emotional Abuse!!

[jessicakicksbut]

As a person who has suffered through an abusive relationship years ago, I can only hope and pray that women (or men) who are being abused realize what is happening, and get help. Abuse can come in many forms, the most subtle being emotional abuse. Basically, most forms of abuse start in the emotional form. In order to help others on this board, I am going to list some "red flags" to watch for:

 

[font=times new roman][color=blue]Is your partner upset or threatened that you have other friends?

 

Is your partner jealous of your friends and family?

 

Is your partner unhappy at your accomplishments and ambitions?

 

Does your partner hide his/her hurt feelings from you?

 

Does your partner cry after he has abused you?

 

Does your partner lose his/her temper over minute things?

 

Does your partner become angry when his performance is less than what he/she expected?

 

Is your partner jealous of your past relationships? Does he/she ask you about them?

 

Does your partner think that you are with another man/woman when they and you are not at home?

 

Does your partner get angry when dinner is late or the food is not the way that he/she expected it?

 

When angry, does your partner sulk silently?

 

Does your partner ignore your feelings?

 

Does your partner act like you are crazy when you remember the past one way and he/she remembers it another way?

 

Do you feel more confident and generally better about yourself when you are not seeing your partner?

 

Does your partner get angry if you pay attention to someone else?

 

Does your partner seem angry when he is hurt?

 

Does your partner seem emotionally immature?

Are you afraid that what you will say will make your partner angry so you prepare and practice what you will say to him/her?

 

Is your partner never happy no matter how much you do for him/her?

 

Are you afraid when your partner is angry?

 

Who supports you emotionally?

 

Do you fear your partner’s reactions?

 

Does your partner insult your race, heritage or religion?

 

Does your partner feel abandoned if you spend time with friends or family?

 

Has your partner ever threatened you with a weapon?

 

Do you worry about how your partner will treat you or behave in public?

 

Does your partner try to scare you after an argument that he/she will harm you or your children?

 

Is your partner continuously shouting, criticizing you, and calling you names?[/color][/font]

 

 

If you feel that your partner diplays any of these charateristics, I do believe that you have a valid reason to question your partners behavior. Talk to a professional, or at least talk to a family member or friend who has gone through abuse. It saddens me to see women (and men even) in an abusive relationship, suffering because they are afraid to leave, or the abuser makes them think that "they" are the ones with a problem.

 

The fact is that the effects of emotional abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse. The emotional aspect of domestic violence, in this assessment, includes the emotions and emotional reactions of the abuser and the victim. Emotional abuse is generally discounted and minimized by both the victim and the general public. The victim may think that because the abuser did not hurt her/him physically that she/he was not abused. But, the effects of emotional abuse damage the victim’s self-worth and effect future relationship interactions.

 

Editor's Note: The "list" above is part of a larger assessment tool published by the Rose Foundation (http://www.therosefoundation.org). See this post for more information.

[Kat]

That is an awfully long list of 'signs'

[jessicakicksbut]

Sorry, next time I decide to do my "list" thing, I will keep it shorter. You'll have to excuse me at times, I am a dorky scientist who loves quantifying and listing things, just my nature :-)

[Just A Girl2]

No matter if your list is long, it's a great list and very applicable. I'm not sure how someone pointing out that it's "long" is very contributory to the discussion (lol) but nevertheless, thanks for taking the time to share all this. I can very much relate to it all, having been in a few past abusive relationships, including an abusive marriage 10 yrs ago. In abusive relationships, they often start out subtly, with verbal and emotional and mental abuse......when can very often escalate to physical abuse. I think a lot of people think that an abusive relationship is one where there HAS TO BE physical abuse, but verbal abuse is just as bad, in fact, for me it was far worse than being shoved or slapped......verbal abuse can be very degrading, humiliating and can cut very deeply. Great post, Jessica!

[Tony T]

While I agree with most of the items on the list, I think people are capable of many of these behaviors a few times in their lives and it doesn't consitute an abusive relationship. I also think that other items are subject to misinterpretation by people whose though processes are too rigid. Here are the ones I feel fall into that category:

 

Is your partner upset or threatened that you have other friends?

 

Depends on the circumstances. If these friends are do drugs or try to influence a mate in ways that threaten the relationship, I think these feelings are justified. There are a LOT of "friends" out there who are miserable and will go to great lengths to screw up or break up a relationship.

 

Is your partner jealous of your friends and family?

 

If the partner spends an inordinate amount of time with friends and family, especially in a marriage, this is an abuse on the part of the person doing it...not on the person who is jealous...or perhaps upset. There has to be a balance. You also have to ask if the other partner is trying to anger or upset the other by this or any other behavior??? That is abuse in itself?

 

Is your partner unhappy at your accomplishments and ambitions?

 

It depends on the circumstances. If a partner spends all day, every day preparing for some competition, to the detriment of everybody and everything else in his or her life, the partner is going to naturally be unhappy. For instance, there are people who are obsessed with body building competitions and spend many hours at a gym rather than at home with their spouse. That, in my opinion, is abusive and NOT a partner who is unhappy about it.

 

Does your partner hide his/her hurt feelings from you?

 

Many people who come from abusive or dysfunctional families hid their feelings because they never learned effective communication or they fear rejection or other consequences as a result of showing their hurt (which is often anger). Here you have to consider the intent. If a partner hides his or her hurt feelings in order to preserve the peace, which that may not be a good thing, it certainly isn't abusive.

 

Partners need to create an environment in which it is OK to express hurt and get it out in the open. This sort of holding back happens often. Sometimes people are just too tired to deal with it and are not intending for this to be an abuse....but rather to avoid conflict.

 

Does your partner become angry when his performance is less than what he/she expected?

 

The way I read this is that if a spouse gets angry because his OWN peformance does not meet his OWN expectations, it is abuse. Yes, maybe abuse of the self. If anybody gets angry when they THEMSELVES fall short on something, I'm talking to the point of shouting or striking a spouse, this is more insanity than abuse and the person should seek emergency therapy.

 

Is your partner jealous of your past relationships? Does he/she ask you about them?

 

It depends on the extent and intensity of the jealousy. This forum is filled with posts about people quizzing their partners about past relationships. I think it is HIGHLY ABUSIVE for those partners being questioned to start spouting off about all the sex partners they've had, how many times they screwed each, and in what position. Giving out that kind of information, in my opinion, is abusive and just plain juvenile...but it happens.

 

Does your partner think that you are with another man/woman when they and you are not at home?

 

This is abusive and totally insane when there is no history of reason. If there is a history of serious cheating in a relationship, it should be abandoned rather than have these feelings float back and forth. I'm not sure under this circumstance of history of serious cheating if this would be abusive because it is certainly natural. However, people shouldn't remain in a relationship where this happens.

 

Does your partner get angry when dinner is late or the food is not the way that he/she expected it?

 

It depends on the length and intensity of the relationship and how often this happens. If someone has had a bad day and they come home and the steak is tough or overcooked and they express dismay, this is not abuse...in my opinion. If a spouse receives verbal abuse from a husband because dinner is late every night, she has the choice of divorcing him or cooking on time...or telling him to stick it in his ear.

 

It also depends on the length and intensity of the anger. Ever spouse everywhere in the world is going to be upset now and then about things not being ready on time or cooked properly. If this happens often, then there is a combination of abuse and insanity.

 

When angry, does your partner sulk silently?

 

Sulking is better than hitting. This is a result of the inability to communicate. Both spouses have to take responsibility for this. Silent sulking is far more desirable than physical abuse if given a choice. This isn't so much abuse as it is a manner of dealing with anger...and there's some craziness involved as well. Many people have not been taught appropriate ways of expressing anger. Unhealthy and ingnorant people contribute to unhealthy and dumb partnerships.

 

Does your partner ignore your feelings?

 

Many men are just plain stupid. They don't mean to be abusive. They were just never taught to listen. A lot of them don't listen until the woman asks for a divorce. Some women don't listen as well. While this may be a sign of abuse, it is more a sign of total ignorance....and sometimes indifference. This is abusive but most often is not meant as intentional abuse. Both partners have to take responsibility for not getting help early on in this area.

 

Almost every woman in every marriage has had the man ignore her feelings at times. Some women don't express their feelings in such a way that the man recognizes she is hurt. The communication is so circuitous, it's form is vague. This is something that needs to be worked on.

 

Does your partner act like you are crazy when you remember the past one way and he/she remembers it another way?

 

This can be a petty situation of misunderstanding, ignorance, selective memory...or abuse. Just because somebody says "you gotta be crazy" it can more often be a manner of expression rather than a literal attack. Very many couples have this problem. Most people remember events according to their perspective. Disputes like this are often due to lack of the ability to communicate and resolve these perspectives than an intent to be abusive.

 

If this happens often, there is serious pathology present and both partners should be examined by a psychiatrist to determine which has the perceptual problems and needs to receive treatment. Now, if one or the other is knowingly doing this on purpose, yes, absolutely, it is abusive.

 

Do you feel more confident and generally better about yourself when you are not seeing your partner?

 

While in some cases this could be a sign you're in an abusive relationship, more often it's a sign you're bored with the other person, you have more in common with friends, you have pent up anger relating to the other person...which should be communicated and expressed, you are simply with the WRONG person, you are losing interest in the relationship, etc.

 

There are many reasons for feeling better when the other person isn't around. Sometimes, it has nothing at all to do with the other person. For instance, a person who is afraid of intimacy or otherwise afraid of committment will feel much better when the partner goes away on a long vacation alone and certain feelings don't have to be confronted.

 

Now if the person is yelling all the time or physically abusing a partner, hell yes the other is going to feel better when they aren't around. It's abuse on the part of the partner who they're separated from and insanity on the part of the person putting up with it.

 

Does your partner get angry if you pay attention to someone else?

 

It depends on the intensity and length of the anger. If I am with a partner who constantly eyes members of the opposite sex when we are out in public....and I have repeatedly expressed my displeasure but they just continue on....they will see me get anry only once....and they will never see me again.

 

Others, who have a sick need for this person's love despite the sort of behavior described above, may show anger repeatedly. But it's natural for a partner to get upset if the other partner pays undue and inappropriate attention to another. It really depends on the circumstances if it is to be counted as abusive.

 

Does your partner seem angry when he is hurt?

 

Well, many people get angry when they are hurt. Behind anger is always fear. When we are hurt, we fear losing the love we value. This is not abuse...this is hurt. IF a partner screams and yells, yes it is abuse....but just what happened for this person to become hurt. Was it some form of abuse on the part of the other person?

 

Does your partner seem emotionally immature?

 

I don't think this is abuse. It's just the way the person is because of upbringing, background, etc. If the observing partner didn't see this early on, as soon as it is detected and the observing partner considers it abusive, they should both seek counselling or simply separate. A personon is emotionally immature because of upbringing, ignorance, brain tumor or whatever and no necessarily because they are mean.

 

Are you afraid that what you will say will make your partner angry so you prepare and practice what you will say to him/her?

 

Yes, this can definitely be an abusive situation. If a partner gets angry no matter how something is expressed, it's anger and it's insanity. If a sane person is approached in a reasonable way, they will respond appropriately. Crazy people will not respond appropriately and with restraint no matter how you talk to them. I think a person who remains with an insane partner has as many problems as the abusive (insane) partner.

 

Is your partner never happy no matter how much you do for him/her?

 

Again, this can be a sign of many many things. Some people are depressed. Some are unhappy with the marriage. Some people are just not happy. Why don't people pay just a little more attention BEFORE they make a committment.

 

For a person who takes pleasure in making their spouse happy, being with somebody like this can be hell on earth. But rather than spending a life on a lost cause, why not go find someone who is a happy person and work from there.

 

I don't think people who can't find happiness are abusive, I think they have serious problems that need attention. Considering something abusive from a person who's just being themselves puts the responsibility on the person who considers themselves being abused to get away.

 

Who supports you emotionally?

 

A great number of men are not trained to do this. The fact that so many more men come to relationship forums, attent workshops, read John Gray and other relationship books, etc. indicates that men WANT to be there for their wives or partners. Many women who have shut down in a relationship become cold and distant rather than attempt to heal and crumbled partnership.

 

This is not always abuse...as a matter of fact it's not abuse most of the time. It's a sign of a seriously damaged relationship that should exist anymore if it can't be fixed. One of the main purposes of a relationship is to get emotional support. The person who is not getting it has a serious problem if they don't seek help or if they hang around.

 

This is way too complicated to explore here. There are bastards to withhold this support for various reasons....or who are jealous of their partners, etc, etc. This is abuse.

 

Before making such general amd nlanket statements that could be subject to great misinterpretation by many people on the Internet, you have to give detail and exceptions.

 

Does your partner feel abandoned if you spend time with friends or family?

 

The way a partner feels is not abuse. The way a partner expresses his feelings can definitely be abusive. That method has to be considered. The amount of time a partner spends with friends and family can be abusive if it's excessive, unwarranted, and is neglectful of the partner. So let's try to take into consideration all the factors before making a blanket statement that could confuse many people.

 

Has your partner ever threatened you with a weapon?

 

If this has happened and the threatened partner didn't immediately get away and call 911, this is just plain ignorance and stupidy. Just ask Nicole Brown Simpson...if you can find her.

 

Do you worry about how your partner will treat you or behave in public?

 

The extent a partner worries does not being in an abusive relationship. If a partner is unpredictable...if they verbally and physically abuse a partner in public...if they make a scene or embarrass the partner in public...that is definitely abusive.

 

Does your partner try to scare you after an argument that he/she will harm you or your children?

 

Wow, again, call the cops now. Definitely abusive...no question. Not protecting one's children in child neglect and, in my opinion, worse than spouse abuse. At least adults can fend for themselves. This kind of threat is dangers no matter what the intention.

 

I feel making a generic list of anything, without sufficient explanation and disclaimers, is not a good things. I also think that if a person has to be told what to look out for in order for them to consider themselves being abused....well, that's a result of ignorance and very poor common sense.

 

People should never be "abused" in the strictest interpretation of the word more than once. Staying with somebody who is prone to abusive behavior and who has the intent to be abusive is just plain nuts.

[Just A Girl2]

I also think that if a person has to be told what to look out for in order for them to consider themselves being abused....well, that's a result of ignorance and very poor common sense.

 

There are millions of women out there who are in abusive relationships who don't even realize they are being abused....for various reasons:

 

1) They grew up in an abusive home and what the average person would consider being abused, they see as "the norm" because that's what they grew up witnessing/being treated like.

 

2) Some women with really low self esteem or unhealthy ideas about what their role is in the relationship, may just think that if their guy gets mad at them if dinner is late or the house isn't spotless, will not "clue into" the fact that he's crossed the line...but instead they'll simply feel that they are somehow inadequate as a partner/woman/wife/girlfriend and that they have to "try harder" to please him.

 

One of the biggest reasons that some women remain in abusive relationships is that they don't even realize they're being abused, for whatever reason. They are already so brainwashed that they take everything their partner says as 'gospel' and they don't dare think to question it.

 

Talk to women who do counselling at Domestic Abuse Hotlines/Centers....and they'll be the first to tell you that so many abused women have no idea as to the extent of their abuse........and they often need someone to explain to them how behaviors and words directed at them by their partner ARE in fact "not normal", and are in fact abusive, controlling, manipulative, etc.

 

I've seen many pamphlets for women, about Domestic Abuse, that pose the same questions that Jessica asked...........in hopes that women out there will "wake up" and make the distinction between being treated properly and with respect, and being abused.

 

A lot of abused women subconsciously adopt defense mechanisms that help them to justify why they're being treated the way they are..........for instance, when I was in my abusive marriage, as the abuse was just starting (verbal/emotional abuse), I mistook a lot of my ex husband's words and actions as "acceptable", when in fact, knowing what I know now (and learned after I left him and sought counselling), it was pure and simple abuse.

 

-he didn't have a problem with the fact that I had many good friends (women) when we first started dating, he'd even come out with us, and we'd all go out as couples. As time passed, he would become very upset if I spent my free time with them, going for lunch or out for dinner the odd time, or going over to visit them in the evening. His reasoning was that because I worked 12 hr shifts and didn't have a lot of free time, he felt left out if I was spending that limited free time with others and not him. I was FLATTERED that he obviously cared about me that much, and missed me that much (talk about warped thinking on my part). I didn't even realize that over time, he was totally trying to isolate me not only from my girlfriends, but from my own family, too.

 

-he would become very anal retentive about housework....there could never be a dirty plate left in the sink, the clothes in the dryer had to be removed and folded ASAP! Initially, I was happy to be with a guy who cared as much as I did about having a clean home ........but things eventually escalated to the point where he would make me sit by the dryer and wait for it to stop so that i could be right there to immediately remove the clothes and fold them all, then put them away. He would become angry if the fridge wasn't organized well inside and would take to tossing out ALL the food in there, during one of his 'fits' and I was told I had to pick up all the mess, clean up the floor and rearrange the fridge ASAP. If the cans in the cupboard were not organized according to groups (soup, veggies, fruit, etc), he would throw them out on the floor, yelling and calling me a horrid lazy wife.

 

I could write a book that gives plenty of examples of how I initially thought his behavior was "normal" (I also grew up in a very abusive home) and a confirmation "just how much he loved me"...........had someone given me a list early on, of signs of someone who's abusive, I would have likely began developing a greater insight, much sooner, into how I was being abused.

 

I think I heard lately, the stats on domestic abuse...and it's something like "1 woman dies as a result of domestic abuse every 6 seconds"..........with horrifying stats like this, there can NEVER ever be too much info out there on "signs" that women should look out for.

 

In my opinion.

[Tony T]

So why don't we get to the root of the problem by publishing the signs of abusive parents and vendors of ignorance so children won't be set up for victimization all the days of my life.

 

Fortunately, I was blessed with the insight to know when somebody was abusing me and I am deeply apologetic for projecting that ability onto other people. It's sad that others will subject themselves to this stuff. I just thought it was common sense to know when one is being abused...but I guess I was wrong.

 

Sorry!!!

 

I still maintain my position that generic lists of this sort are dangerous and an oversimplification. Much more detail is required for a person to determine if they are actually in an abusive relationship...if they need help in doing so.

[Kat]

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship I can inform you that people stay even when they know they are in one.

 

People sometimes know they are in one and choose to stay, is it any less dangerous if they know?

[jessicakicksbut]

Fortunately, I was blessed with the insight to know when somebody was abusing me and I am deeply apologetic for projecting that ability onto other people. It's sad that others will subject themselves to this stuff. I just thought it was common sense to know when one is being abused...but I guess I was wrong.

 

Yes, it is truly sad that other people will subject themselves to abuse, but I agree with JAG 2 on this one. Most people who are able to become abused grew up in an abusive home, suffer from low self-esteem, and are brainwashed by their partner. I've been there before, and admit that I did suffer from low self-esteem and grew up being verbally abused by my parents. When you grow up that way, it seems normal to be insulted, criticized, etc. Not only that, you don't have the self-esteem to say to yourself "I deserve better".

[DOMINIQUE]

so if this list was accurate then that means i am an abusive woman.

 

i guess i tend towards low self esteem, and alot of the ones you mentioned are from pure insecurity and or jealousy but i never felt abusive about it.

 

but now i am wondering about myself because i did keep him from his friends stating that i don't see you much and now you want to go spend your free time with so and so golfing??

 

i would majorly guilt trip to so stayed home and his circle of friends has now dwidled down to ocassional phone calls to them and lunch now and then.

 

though they are married with children with selves and he was neither when i met him, still he had contact with them more so then then he does now.

 

also about not learning proper communicating skills, proper anger management, and proper expression of emotions, i have not learned any of this then because i simply do the silent thing, i am so easily hurt and offended and when i get angry i hide in my room with the t.v.

 

so according to tony i have not learned any of these skills and he is more then likely right because when situations come up i have no clue on how to hanlde these things and have the hardest time getting over them and through them until he comes to me and just starts talking to me like nothing happened, wanting to just forget it all, so i go along with it, glad to get rid of the tension.

 

and one more thing is, if you want to leave somebody but are afraid of the hurt and confusion it will bring, and all the unanswered questions but you know in your heart you love him/her but in your mind you questions the relationship alot, but are afraid to leave because if you do you can't undo it, does that mean you really don't love them?

 

is that a form of self-abuse?

great list jessica.

[Heidi2]

[color=green][/color]

 

 

I want to commend 'everyone' for standing up.. and understanding that in an abusive relationship the one who is able to talk is in fact the winner..!!

 

No one needs to take any form of abuse from male/female, female/female, male/male, you get my point.

 

The fact is though some of us live in 'bubbles' thinking that this could not happen to me line.. And in fact it could.. The sooner we recognize something isn't right the sooner we should leave & or get the help available out their towards us!

[The_Thinker]

IF you feel abused, then for sure you are! IF you have to wonder, then in all honesty, maybe you need to take a better look at yourself..... and, if you find yourself doing the same things listed at the beginning of this thread topic then perhaps you should consult with your partner and work on things.

 

(note.. if PHYSICAL abuse is playing a factor or your emotional/mental state is in a dangerous place, hell....get out now before it's too late. No one is worth your life, and remember the aquarium is much bigger than the bowl, so swim free and find yourself another fish. Goodness knows the world is full of 'em.

[happymadison]

I think tony is absolutely on point here. such lists are vast generalities, and every relationship never fits an "all inclusive" mold as to interactions between partners. this is the sort of DR. Phil psychobabble that does more to ruin an otherwise healthy relationship than it ever will to mend one.

For example, a dissatisfied spouse seeks some help, doesnt think they are really abused, but are just not happy. instead of talking to the SO, which should be the FIRST thing one would think of (which often is not, unfortunately), they see some list or talk to some BS counselor with the same list. Without exploring both sides of the issue, they determine that the unhappy one is the victim of abuse because a few criteria are met. Then the SO is presented with this "diagnosis" and is immediately on the defensive, and things subsequently roll downhill.

 

its like this bafoon therapist guy on that Bonaducie? show ---this couple was ok until they saw him and he basically put them in the position of being in a terrible relationship with some happy times, rather than being in a generally good relationship with some unhappy times ( which was initially what they thought they were in). they have a lot of problems, but this guy merely exasperated them and does absolutley nothing that has helped them to heal.

 

So like tony, i see these lists proferred by these "experts" to be viewed with great suspect as to your own relationship. Many of the items listed i guarantee are recognized by most readers here in their past or present relationships. that in itself does not make one a victim of abuse. One will know if they are truly abused by their SO, mentally or physically, and what they do about it is their own delimma---its not determined by some list.