My friend's erratic behavior

[blind_otter]

Well lI'm quite shook up now. I went home for lunch and reviewed some startling messages on my answering machine.

 

There was a teary message from my friend, plantively calling out my name and asking if I'm there. Then two messages from her husband. The first - that the OM has been threatening the husband and the husband doesn't feel safe. The second - and this breaks my heart - was from the husband saying that my friend tried to hurt herself and had to be Baker Acted (put away in a mental hospital for 72 hours, legal in my state).

 

 

I wish I had been there to take that call from her this morning.

[amaysngrace]

I'm confused. Does she realize she has a problem? Because if her husband made her get help it really won't help unless she knows she needs it.

 

Did you ever tell her straight-up what you think her problem is Otter? Honestly she may accept the diagnosis if it comes from you.

 

You saying it might mean more to help her accept it than if anyone else tells her. Because you know her best. Plus you have the background.

[blind_otter]

I'm confused. Does she realize she has a problem? Because if her husband made her get help it really won't help unless she knows she needs it.

 

She asked me for help, but I'm not sure if it was prompted by her husband.

 

You saying it might mean more to help her accept it than if anyone else tells her. Because you know her best. Plus you have the background.

 

Well it's a moot point now, she's been committed for trying to kill herself.

[amaysngrace]

I don't know much about it because believe it or not it's one of the mental illnesses I've never firsthandedly experienced!

 

Are there meds that can help her level off?

[blind_otter]

Are there meds that can help her level off?

 

I don't know. I know that I found a medication to help level me off, but I also know that some people respond poorly to mood stabilizers in general. I only hope that they can help her at the mental hospital.

 

The OM's behavior really pisses me off. His ass-hole-ish-ness set off this suicidal episode. HE should have known that he was messing with a woman who wasn't all there, but all he wanted was to bust a nut.

[serial muse]

Wow, what an awful turn of events. Does anyone have access to her for the next 72 hours?

 

I really do hope that this will be a wakeup call for her. What does her husband plan to do now? Will he still leave?

[blind_otter]

No one can contact her while she's in hospital.

 

Her husband sounds like he's cracking from all the pressure. I'm having my partner call her husband right now.

[amaysngrace]

His ass-hole-ish-ness set off this suicidal episode.

 

 

OM don't generally think of anyone besides themselves Otter. Why should this surprise you even a little?

 

Sometimes it takes an experiment of different kinds of the same type of meds to get one that meshes well with your chemistry. I hope they can figure out which one works best for her.

 

But she won't be able to take them if she gets pregnant.

 

She kind of reminds me of me in that way. I never wanted a baby more than I did when I felt empty minded and was completely confused on who I am.

[blind_otter]

Well her husband said that I can call her tomorrow if I like. I'm not that inclined to call her. I feel weird and anxious. THere but by the grace of God go I.

[blind_otter]

So I got a phone call from my friend last night, apparently she can contact people on the outside. She said she's being evaluated today and they'll probably release her early. It can take 5-6 weeks for the state to set up counseling for those who attempt suicide. That's a long wait.

 

She was asking me if she could see my therapist. In fact, she was almost insistent on it. I feel a little weird about the whole situation. She's totally not taking her time in the mental hospital seriously. All she talks about is that she doesn't belong there and she's quite angry with her husband for putting her there, but what else could the poor guy do when she attempts to kill herself, all "Fatal Attraction" and everything.

 

Now she's leaning on me SUPER hard for support and I just don't know how supportive I can be. I remember when I hit rock bottom I really put the effort in on my own to get better. I'm worried that I might be an enabler if I'm too supportive.

 

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[blind_otter]

bump

 

I really need some advice. Maybe I'm leaning too hard on LS for support and should stand on my own 2 feet but this is tough. I've never been in a situation like this before. I don't know. Part of me is afraid of being used.

[EnigmaXOXO]

There was no way I could possibly write down all my thoughts (what I’ve learned) about the subject of support vs. enabling. So I thought I would try to find you some kind of a non-commercial link which would explain the difference better than I could.

 

I found this during my search ... and almost crawled under my desk in embarrassment when I read it. That was ME up until seven years ago, and still very much a part of who I am why (like you) I have to be constantly vigilant about these tendancies. Even when it comes to this forum. :o

 

Read it, and tell me what you think:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence

[serial muse]

It's so hard to know, without knowing her, what might work...but based on everything you've said I'm thinking it might be time for the tough love. And the boundary-setting, too.

 

I'm actually not sure about the idea of her seeing your therapist - that feels intrusive to me. Why specifically yours? Is it because she sees herself in you, too?

 

I don't know, Otter. That feels awfully claustrophobic...I guess that's why it looks to me like it might be time to put your foot down and tell her why you two are different. Yes, you've had a similar experience, but that's just one small part of who you are. Maybe she needs to see that it's not just "there but for the grace of God go you," but also, through your own hard work and choosing to take charge of yourself. You knew you needed help, and made the effort and the necessary changes to try to get better. Maybe that's what she really needs to know; it won't just happen on its own, and neither you nor anybody else is going to want to do it for her, because it simply won't take.

[blind_otter]

There was no way I could possibly write down all my thoughts (what I’ve learned) about the subject of support vs. enabling. So I thought I would try to find you some kind of a non-commercial link which would explain the difference better than I could.

 

I found this during my search ... and almost crawled under my desk in embarrassment when I read it. That was ME up until seven years ago, and still very much a part of who I am why (like you) I have to be constantly vigilant about these tendancies. Even when it comes to this forum. :o

 

Read it, and tell me what you think:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence

 

Well I think I fit the bill. Except that what I want most is for her to find her way! I wish I had sanity on my side. I definately have avoided rocking the boat with her, and in that way I'm being codependent. I know I have the tendencies for this, strong inclinations that are difficult to define.

 

Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress.

 

controlling behavior - yes

distrust - yes

perfectionism - no

avoidance of feelings - no

problems with intimacy - yes, in the sense of the friendship

caretaking - yes

hypervigilance - yes

physical illness - no

 

So there are definately more yes's than no's.

[blind_otter]

I'm actually not sure about the idea of her seeing your therapist - that feels intrusive to me. Why specifically yours? Is it because she sees herself in you, too?

 

I don't know. I think this is just an excuse. My therapist isn't taking any new patients, so I think that my friend feels that if she sets her sights on an unattainable goal it won't be her fault if she fails. Right after she called me to get my therapist to see her she tried to cut her wrists. That just smacks of someone not really wanting to get better, just crying out for attention without seeking a solution. The more I think about it the angrier I get.

 

Maybe that's what she really needs to know; it won't just happen on its own, and neither you nor anybody else is going to want to do it for her, because it simply won't take.

 

That's the truth. It's hard because I can't figure out what she's thinking. Part of me wants to believe that she wants to get better, but another part of me thinks this is bull****. She doesn't want to do the work and doesn't realize how serious this stuff is. Working on yourself is exhausting and terrifying, if you do it the right way.

 

You're right. It is time to set some boundaries and put my foot down, if about nothing else, about the therapist issue. She needs her own therapist. Not mine.