Utterly Confused!

[daisywindmill]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can give me some advice here because I really am at the end of my tether!

 

I began dating a man that I met on the internet 13 months ago. After a series of disasterous relationships, including a marriage breakup and divorce, I really did not believe I could be happy with a man again and ultimately, trust him. Due to past experiences I have some insecurities, but once I met my present partner and got to know him, these disappeared bit by bit.

 

He lives 100 miles away from me but we do see eachother quite a lot. He has always contacted me every single day of our relationship and I have a key to his house, so I can come and go as I please. During the first few months of the relationship he never said he loved me, but I knew he cared as he was attentive, thoughtful, generally just a great guy and it suited me as I was still a little cautious. I noticed a huge difference in him at Christmas time and he did finally say those three little words and since then the relationship has become stronger and stronger; I've even met his mother and we are now discussing me going to live with him. He buys me wonderful gifts, cooks for me, basically he treats me like a queen. All sounds perfect doesn't it?

 

However, a while ago, can't remember when, I saw a woman's name on a notepad next to his computer. It was a name and an email address. I didn't take a lot of notice of it as I know he has female friends, as I have male friends. On Sunday he went out for a couple of hours to see a friend (I know this is true) and I used him computer for my studies. I decided to pop online to check my email and was staggered and surprised to see that he had two addresses for dating agencies in his history file (the scroll down bar at the top). I felt quite sick to be honest, turned the pc off and went downstairs to think. My ex cheated on me via the internet you see, so it had quite a bad effect on me, to think he was doing the same thing. Then I did something that, okay, I know I should not have done. I looked at his emails. There were lots from women before we actually met, which is fine, as we were both of dating agencies, but sadly he had been corresponding with a woman after with physically met and were in the relationship. The emails went on until October of last year, during which time she had asked for his number, he replied that he did not like to talk on the phone, they were arranging to meet for a meal, he had been away with me but told her he had been away on his own, things like that really, but obviously he had an interest in her. The emails appear to have stopped completely after October so I don't know what happened here. Then, a few days ago, someone emailed him saying they had chatted online ages ago and would he like to chat. He emailed her back saying yes. So, I was devasted. I confronted him about the dating agencies but he swears he has not been on them in a long long time. I believed that. He was heartbroken that he thought I was going to end the relationship, saying that he lived for me now, wished I was with him every day and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I could not tell him I read those emails and although I do believe he loves me, he proves it everyday with the contact and all he does for me, I now feel so sad inside that he was emailing another woman with romantic intentions, albeit 7 months ago and that maybe he is a cheat after all. He told me that when he was younger he always did think the grass was greener, but now he has met me he is settled and has no desire for anyone else. As you can see, I'm am terribly confused and sad and really do wish I had not pryed into his email, but having been cheated on before it was the only thing I could do. Now he is concerned that I will finish with him and I am trying to behave normally towards him but those doubts are still there and I can't tell him why. Please, someone, can you shed some light on this. My friend says that as it was so long ago it doesn't matter because it was early days in the relationship and he may have been keeping his options open. I do think this too, to some degree. I do know that he caught his last partner in bed with someone else, so he has scars too. So, help! [color=blue][/color]

[daisywindmill]

I remembered something. He told me on Sunday that he was unsure of the relationship for a while, mainly because he had been through so much (swear word here but being a lady I won't say it hehehe) in the past, but over the past 5 months or so he has known how deep his feelings for me are. That could explain the woman 7 months ago, but he still cheated on me didn't he? But why oh why, just a few days ago, email a woman saying he would like to chat? See why I am confused? And why, since I have returned home has he contacted me whenever possible and been incredibly loving? Argh! [color=blue][/color]

[midori]

I think you ought to have a long heart-to-heart with your boyfriend. Tell him that, alarmed by what you saw on his internet history file, you looked in his email, and you are further disturbed that he is chatting with women. I imagine that some might advise you to keep your worries to yourself, since you had no right to look at his email. But you did, and given your history I'll bet that unless you get this firmly resolved with him you'll keep tormenting yourself, keep on sneaking peeks at his email. It'll fester. Just be honest with him, admit that looking at his email was wrong. Ask him to bear with you and have some patience with your worries.

 

It's one thing to have female friends who came into his life at one time or another, via one connection or another. Fair enough and you shouldn't feel threatened by that. But to cultivate online relationships (even innocent platonic ones) with random women, when you have a real-life girlfriend whom you love, is rather strange. What purpose does that serve?

 

I think sometimes people engage in things mindlessly, without thinking about what they're getting themselves into. Someone emails him from out of the blue and says, "wanna chat?" and he says, "sure!" And he doesn't stop to wonder, "why does she want to chat with me after all this time? We hardly know each other -- why is she now interested in renewing the connection?" So it could be entirely innocent on his part.

 

If he understands where you're coming from then this shouldn't be too hard to let go. It all boils down to trust. If you can't trust him, if you feel like you need to monitor his online activities, then you should break up with him. For both your sakes.

 

Good luck!

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there Daisy,

 

I can totally understand your concerns, hurt and apprehension here. I've done the online dating things myself, several times...some good experiences, some bad (more bad...in terms of, guys being liars, having several women on the line at once, misrepresenting themselves, etc).

 

The last guy I dated for 4 months, who I met through one of these systems was someone I slowly began to really trust...but ending up mistrusting big time.

 

He initially seemed like the greatest most sweet, sincere, down to earth, honest guy. He pursued me on this particular dating site for over a year but either I wasn't available or initially thought we didn't have enough fundamental things in common (eg..he was temporarily living with his sister, and I was looking for a guy who was independent and lived on his own).

 

Anyway, from the start of us chatting/emailing/talking on the phone/meeting in real life, he made it known that he was very smitten with me.....and went so far as to tell me that he was the kind of guy who used that system to meet ONE and only ONE good woman, and when he figured he'd met her, he'd take his profile off the site, because he wasn't the type to keep looking. This proclamation of his was totally unsolicited. He was trying to assure me that he was an up and up guy and not a player like so many of the men on those sites can be.

 

As it turns out, about 2 months into our relationship, I had this "feeling" to go back there (i'd previously removed MY profile, as I had no intention to 'keep looking') and see if he HAD in fact removed his. Well, he hadn't. And on this site, it shows in a person's profile when they've "last logged in." I sat back and 'watched.' He was logging in almost daily. I wasn't upset or jealous, more or less peeved...so I confronted him about it. He claimed that he was merely going back there trying to "figure out" how to REMOVE his profile (hahaha).....citing he was a major computer illiterate dingdong and couldn't figure it out. (good grief..he obviously had the smarts to initially set it up, including uploading his picture, which took more PC smarts then deleting one's profile). So I told him that it looked 'suspicious' and that deleting one's profile was extremely simple, even explained to him step by step how to do it (geez, you go to the first page you get to after logging in, then click on "delete membership"..how challenging can that be??) He said he'd do it right away. He seemed sincere, and assured me that he wasn't "still looking" that he wasn't that kind of guy, bla bla. Based on the way he treated me (like a queen, to the point of being too smothering and clingy and attentive), I believed him and didn't think more of it.

 

Well a month later, I go back there....and the b*stard STILL has a profile, but claims he hasn't been there since we last spoke, that he just couldn't figure out how to remove it, still. I saw how each day for a week, he was still logging in. I again confronted him........he got all defensive and told me I could "think whatever I liked" but he was being straight with me and wasn't back there looking for someone else, was AGAIN back there trying to figure out how to delete his profile LOL

 

I asked him, "how the hell do you think this looks? how hard can it be to delete your profile? I explained to you how easy it is, gave you the steps to follow, and you're the one from the start who proclaimed that would not keep your profile on there if you'd met someone you were serious with." He sort of tried to skirt the issue, again citing he just couldn't figure it out. LOL I asked him how many times did he have to go back there, to "figure it out"........Asked him why it didn't dawn on him, if he was having sooo much trouble, to email the "help" department of this site and ask for help, or see if they could delete it for him, etc.

 

To make a long story short, this jerk*ff continued to have his profile there the entire time we were together........this was a guy who couldn't stop telling me how deeply he'd fallen in love with me, "knew" I was the women he's spend the rest of his life with, couldn't stop feeling that we were meant for each other, bla bla.

 

Ironically, after I dumped his arse, I went back there and created another profile for myself, thinking maybe I would still meet someone decent.....and of course he was back there daily like a dirty shirt. he even had the audacity to email me and write "wow, it sure didn't take you long to put your profile back there" ROFLMAO!!! What a dolt, hey? That coming from a guy who had his freaking profile there the entire time we were dating. LOL

 

Anyhoo.....to make a long story short, based on this guy's 'behavior' and similar crap with other guys I met through these things and dated, it's extremely common for a lot of these guys to "continue looking/chatting" while dating someone. I guess they do this because it's very easy, tempting and they're not likely to get caught. To many, they must feel like they're a kid in a candy store.......where they can just sit there from the comfort of their home and continue to look for women, always thinking they might find someone better/more attractive/etc.......and for a lot, they sincerely aren't honest when claiming they're only looking for ONE WOMAN...instead, they use these personals as a way to boost their ego......to get as many women on the line at once as possible.......it strokes their ego to be chatting with several women, having several women writing them at once, they feel like big studs where in real life, they likely wouldn't have the opportunity to meet or get to know so many women.

 

I started using these online personals systems back in 98, and have used them off and on since then. It's been my experience that the vast majority of men are players, despite their protestations of being "true." I'm sure this isn't limited to men, as I've heard there are just as many women on these things who are players/playing games/being dishonest and continuing to correspond with multiple guys while supposedly exclusively dating someone.

 

What you've found out about your guy has planted an understandable seed of doubt and mistrust in you....and I think, for good reason. The fact that he's still got women emailing him, asking to chat with them and he's writing back saying he'd like to, to me that's a huge red flag..........and if I were you, I'd just spill it all out on the table, and let him know that you've read his emails and you know what's up. You have nothing to lose here. He deserves to know that you're a smart cookie and that after being cheated on in the past, you look out for your heart and best interests .......and explain how your desire to 'snoop' started...with you finding a woman's name written down with her email address beside it.

 

Some say snooping is wrong, I say it's RIGHT to follow your instincts and become as informed as you can....because life is short and there are many deceitful, dishonest people out there (men and women) and we have to look out for ourselves, ultimately.

 

JAG2

[EnigmaXOXO]

And why, since I have returned home has he contacted me whenever possible and been incredibly loving? Argh!

 

I suppose it's because he is feeling incredibly guilty and even a bit worried that he may have been caught.

[daisywindmill]

Okay, yes, I did think that, but what if, what if........ he really does feel as he says and the past emailing was a big mistake? It was last October and there was no trace of her after that. And what if (I do so hate these "what ifs") the wanting to chat was purely innocent? All I know is that I am with a man that treats me better than any other before. And I wonder why he would do that if he still wanted to play around, or even be curious. We had a discussion last night because he knew I was feeling sad. He told me, for the first time, that he believes me to be his soul mate (I have felt this too) but if I can't trust him then we have no future together so it was up to me. Until Sunday I did trust him, 100%, so am I making something out of nothing? At the end of the day it was some emails, nothing else and those two words again WHAT IF he is being true in all he says but I blow what could be the best thing to have happened to me based on some cyberspace correspondence? I have to admit to feeling happier this morning, that sadness is not as great and I do feel more positive. My heart is telling me to forget what I saw and concentrate on what had been, until Sunday, a very solid and happy relationship. So, if I do this am I taking the easy way out because, when it boils down to it, I don't want to lose him. And thank you for all your replies. There are some great people on here and whatever happens I think I may be hooked!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Daisy,

 

If he is worth the *benefit of the doubt*, than go ahead and give it to him. "Trust" is something you'll both have to earn as time progresses.

 

There will always be "what ifs" and unanswered suspicions, but without all the facts you'll never really know for sure.

 

And if sometime down the road you discover you have been deceived by someone you had faith in, than the fault is hardly your own. Blame must be placed where it belongs---with the one who has purposely deceived you.

 

There is never an “easy way out” when it comes to relationships. It requires hard work and exposing ourselves to the point of being vulnerable. It means putting our fragile hearts on the line and risking our own stubborn pride. It takes real courage to make that blind leap of faith and entrust the most valuable parts of ourselves to someone else. But unless we’re willing to take that gamble, we’ll never open ourselves up to the possibilities of “love.”

 

“Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable and noble kind of love.” - Author: Delmore Schwartz

[daisywindmill]

Thank you to those that replied to my original post and thank you Enigma for those words which have actually given me a lot of strength. He is coming to me today, for the weekend, and I am going to cook us a meal tonight and enjoy his company, concentrating on those aspects of his personality that I love. I want to make this work, I want to be brave and yes, give him the benefit of the doubt. We all make mistakes and I hope that maybe he has learnt from his and we can move on and be stronger than before. It is a big leap of faith but I am willing to take it. Life is too short to dwell on something that might not have been anything. On the other hand, should he turn out to be a rat, then that's his problem, but somehow, deep inside, I don't think that is the case. I'm sure some of you think I am stupid to hang around but everyone deserves a second chance don't they?