not sure what ex-boyfriend is thinking

[cookiecat]

Hey guys,

 

so here is my situation:

 

my ex and i were together for four years, but he broke it off in june because we had been fighting a lot for quite a while (like for the last year).

 

it was hard because i agreed that we needed to at least take a break in order to get out of the rut we were in, but i still had (and have) a lot of love for him. we just couldn't seem to get past any of the arguing, and it was becoming unhealthy.

 

anyways, it's been four months since we split, and we didn't talk at all for the last two.

 

last week however, i get a little paypal email from him, paying me back for something that he owed me cash for. i replied with a simple 'thanks for the money, how are you doing, miss talking to you...', to which he replied 'well you can talk to me whenever you want'

 

so i emailed back another light email, and he agreed to call me.

 

he called me later that night, and we talked for two hours. which is, btw, the longest we've ever talked on the phone, period. it was so great. he was warm and talkative... we just caught up on life and on what the other had been up to lately.

 

we actually live in different cities right now; i'm in new york going to graduate school (finishing in five months tho) and he's still in san francisco. i was in sf a couple weeks ago to see my sister, who had been hurt in an accident, and i, of course, did not ring him up or make any kind of contact since the last time we spoke, he made it quite clear when we broke up that we were not on speaking terms. however, while we were on the phone last week, he said 'so how comes you didn't call me when you were here? i wouldn't have minded seeing you.'. i said, uh, what?? why would i call.. you made it rather clear last summer that we were not talking, and you weren't exactly nice to me. to which he said, well things were strained etc.. but it would have been nice seeing you...

 

so then i said, wellll, the other thing is i still have feelings for you... so then we started talking about the breakup and how we felt. i asked him if he still cared about me. and he said 'of course i do. oh, but you mean romantically.. well, see it wasn't healthy what was happening, and we have to be rational, not emotional about this. let's try to see the positive, blah blah blah'. so i said, okay fine, i get it, nevermind.

 

then he said 'no no no i never said i didn't want to talk about it.' so we did for a little bit, until he said, it's getting late', (which it was.. it was almost 5am my time), 'and this is a whole other half of the conversation that we can have some other time'. so i asked him if he could tell me anything at all either way. and he said he couldn't just tell me like that. that it would be a discussion.

 

so we hung up and that was that. since then, we've been lightly chatting about stuff like music (we are both into making music and design), but after a while i realised that i was making all the initial contact. also, he seemed to be becoming more aloof. so i've pulled away cuz i just started to feel awkward.

 

which brings me to the final point... i'm going to be in sf this weekend for a big birthday party for a few friends. i told him i was going to be in town, and would he like to get together (since he seemed like he wanted to so badly last time). all he said was 'cool. i'll be at the party.', and that was it. pretty aloof...

 

so yeah, what's going on i'm terrified to see him now. i know i'll be crushed if he acts aloof with me this weekend. i don't want to get emotional though. that would be the worst...

 

i should give some background info on him: he's known to be very difficult and non-communicative. he'll be open one second, and then closed up the next. he's always been hard to read. not just for me, but for everyone. i just wish he'd tell me straight up, i'm not interested anymore, -or- okay let's talk about it (which he did say.. but now he's acting so aloof.. so what gives??)

 

thanks for any advice