What happened?

[Meta]

OK, it's been a long time since I posted my own problems here.

 

Well, this one is really confusing to me, so please help me out...especially men who might have some ideas of what happened.

 

I am not an online people meeting person, but one day my friend told me that she was meeting a lot of "cute" men online...so I signed up for this online matchmaking service...which was a trial period. Well, I honestly started it out to make fun of the people on there, but I got totally hooked into it. OK, there's this one guy I met and it turns out that we go to school together (same department as well) and we really hit it off the first time we met. We spent 10 hours non stop talking...and he gave me a good night kiss when we departed.

 

Even though I am a very picky person when it comes to men, he managed to really attract me. He had a depth that I rarely see in men around me. He gave me a feeling that "this is really the person" that I have been waiting for all my life. I am a very socially constrained person due to my upbringing and my parents would have not been happy if they knew I was dating a guy like him...mostly because of his social status I guess...well, he's an old student (29) and he drives a cab part time...so in a sense I get really worried about whether the person would meet my parent's expectations when I meet a person. I know it's superficial, but if you grow up in an environment like that, it does affect you. But, this man made me feel that I could over come all of that and just take off and be who ever I want to be and I could trust him all the way. We even talked about raising children! (but not about ours of course)

 

It was a very strange feeling for me because I have never met a person who would make me even think about marrying.

 

Well, so the deal is that we both "knew" it was something very special.

 

So on the second date, we went out and ate and drank and had a great time...and he confessed that he was crazy about me. It was really charming and I knew that he was a very special person...and we hooked up. I had a great time and it was a realization that he was really compatible with me.

 

The morning after was great and he was extremely caring and we just knew that we were a couple.

 

I do understand that men have a tendency to drift away if the woman gives in too soon, but I don't regret any of what happened. He wasn't the type of person who would judge a woman based on whether we had sex too soon or not...but who knows.

 

Well, we had 2 more dates and we hung out a lot.

 

He has a quarky side that made me wonder about how actually compatible we could be, but I believed in the warmth I saw in him. The problem is, on the last date we had, we watched a movie and ate and went night shopping together, so we spent a lot of time together as usual and he came up to my place and we watched more films and we talked.

 

Somehow, I felt like he was trying to avoid any romantic physical contact...which was a bit strange, so I asked him about it.

 

He confessed that he is really attracted to me and he loves hanging out with me (obviously!) but he didn't feel like he wanted to be romantically involved with me! This shocked me because, I don't understand how one could lead me on like that and then change their mind.

 

What confused me even more was the fact that he seemed to be confused about his feelings for me. Obviously he wanted to really hang out with me and he told me that he doesn't really have female friends...so the word "let's be friends" was not a generic term for him. He said that he didn't want a relationship with me because he thought is wouldn't work out and that based on his past experiences if you push something that's not there, it always turns out ugly. Well, "what is not there" sounded like he wasn't attracted to me, but he was confused and said that HE IS attracted to me, but he doesn't know what the problem is...!

 

He thinks that we are so different, which I dont' really see. He admitted that he felt a strong connection between us and that he's never really been with a person that makes him feel as comfortable as I do, so he really wants me as a friend, but apparently not as a GF. But I don't get it, how can he say he's attracted to me, but not want to be my BF? Is he a stupid coward being all worried that things won't work out? He's already checking out other people on that online site...which made me really wonder if was sincere to me. I don't think he's a player, but who knows...he had 2 girlfriends in the past year, which one of them he picked up at a bar! If he could date someone he easily picked up like that, how come he can't date me?

 

(he did say that the girl turned psycho on him)

 

I don't know...please give me some insight on this confusing matter...PLEASE

[Cecilie]

On the one hand you could say that he's being overly cautious and that he should let go and just see what happens. But then again, everyone puts up defenses to protect themselves from getting hurt. Being in an unbalanced relationship can be just as painful as breaking up with someone, mainly because you're constantly assessing your own feelings and trying to read the other person instead of just enjoying their company.

 

He's had two girlfriends in the last year, which means there were two breakups in the last year. Of course he would be overly cautious just because of the memories that are still fresh in his mind.

 

You also have to consider that sometimes people just aren't physically attracted. That happened to me...a good friend and I hooked up (we were highly flirtatious friends before we hooked up). After we slept together a couple of times, we just stopped and became friends without all the sexual tension. I wasn't really attracted to him that way any more. It was inexplicable. Now we're really close and hang out every day but there's no sex involved, as both he and I have significant others now.

 

Anyways, if you talked to him and worked things out as much as was necessary for you, just let it lie. There really is no point in forcing the issue. If you feel inside your heart that he's just denying himself for some inexplicable reason, talk it out. No setting up seductive settings and kinky lingerie. OK?

 

Good luck!

[Elvira]

I don't quite understand if you two had sex or not on the first few dates? Did you? What exactly happened?

 

If you did have sex, it sounds like he lost his physical attraction to you or either pulled back out of fear of getting too attached.

 

Is there a big age difference between the two of you? What would make him say you are too different? (Why should that be such a big concern?)

[Meta]

I don't quite understand if you two had sex or not on the first few dates? Did you? What exactly happened? If you did have sex, it sounds like he lost his physical attraction to you or either pulled back out of fear of getting too attached. Is there a big age difference between the two of you? What would make him say you are too different? (Why should that be such a big concern?)

Yes, we did have sex and it was nice. As you said, he probably lost his physical attraction...but then he told me that he IS attracted to me, but he doesn't know why he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me...he said that it felt like it wouldn't work out because our interests are different and I think he is a type of person who wants everything to be in sync. Well, he probably is a stubborn perfectionist that wants a "specific" type of personality...and I probably don't fit into that, which is sad, but I can't change my way just for him you know.

 

And he and I are the same age...we're both 29.

 

So I figured that he would know at least what he wanted and when he told me that he was crazy about me, I thought that he was sure of his feelings.

 

I have a tendency to fall real hard for men who like me, but I guess that's not healthy either. Probably I get too intense, but the problem is that, no matter how I am, he should have known what he was getting into when he confesses to a woman that he's totally crazy about her, don't you think?

[Totally Confused]

Hi again Meta, I didn't realize that you had a posting on here with a recent relationship related problem, until after I had posted your other question.

 

Well here is my input on your situation. You are sitting there blaming yourself, thinking that you were the cause of the whole thing when it wasn't you at all. You weren't the one with the problem...it was him. He came on strong and then realized it wasn't what he wanted. You only went with how he was reacting towards you in the beginning, he showed you his strong feelings for you and you reacted w/ the same back. He had set the presedence for the entire relationship. He was the one who had moved it too quickly. There is however, one thing you did overlook. You fell too hard too fast for a man you didn't know. Whether you want to believe it or not (and you think you know him, but you only know what he has wanted you to see) you should never, never, never sleep with a man before 3 months, no matter how comfortable or close you feel with him - and it's true with every man. Sometimes it can work out, but a majority of the time, the woman gets burnt. This guy wasn't your friend. When a guy really cares about a girl, he will be nervous, too nervous to be able to just say that kind of stuff so soon w/o thinking it through and w/o knowing how she feels. Think about how it is when you like a guy and your feelings are on the line...you're going to watch everything you say, in hopes of not damaging it too soon. This guy is unstable. At 29 years old, he's very immature. He, at his age, still doesn't know what he wants, and that's not your fault. I think he really did think he liked you a lot at first (as much as he's capable of liking someone), but he scared himself. He came on strong and then realized it was too much for him, especially when he realized you were falling for him. Typical committment phobic. They come on strong and quick and are the first ones out the door once they've won your heart. It's a challenge for them and half of them don't even realize they're doing it. But it's always the girl that gets hurt by a Phobic (not that woman can't be committment phobics too). Now you know, when a person comes on strong and discusses children (whether it's yours or not) or marriage or feelings or sex comes too soon, you are dealing w/ a phobe and within 1 mo. or 2 they'll be gone, sometimes sooner - but it's all at once, and then nothing at all, and your left behind wondering what had just hit you. You also wonder what you did to turn him off. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL. IT WAS ALL HIM AND HIS ISSUES. It has nothing to do with you, so get that thought out of your head. I've dated more committment phobes and have been through what you're going through with this guy more times, than I can count on both hands. It took a while, but I've mastered it. Now I only deal with healthy men. You'll get sick of it and realize it one day. Next time you come across someone like this. Run as far away and as fast as you can from him. He was no good for you and will be no good for anybody, at least not in this stage of his life. I know it still hurts, but it's ok. He really hurt and confused you. He's gone and your left to sort it out by yourself. That's not the kind of man you want to end up with. Someone who's capable of doing that to someone. Then you'd have to question, would he be there for you in the long run. No, he'd run away as soon as there was a slight problem. He's weak. He showed you his true colors, and they're not that pretty. Like I said in my other posting. You'll find him, just be patient.

[Meta]

Again, you have given me insight that no counselor could even give. Thank you so much...now I'm really clear of what happened.

 

I have been trying to be friends with this guy and now I see more of what he is made of. When I push things, he retreats, but when I seem slightly offish, he comes around...and he plays games by flirting with me...and seems to get jealous when I mentioned that I had a "dinner appointment with someone". You are right. He's unstable and insecure and full of #####, but I don't know what it is...I just fell for him. Honestly, I know I'm much better off without him, but it's that nurturing side of me that wants to hold on to him...hoping that one day he'll see who I really am and will appreciate me, but I know that day will never come. I should let go. My friends tell me that I'm too good for him, which I know, but why can't he see that? I think it's my ego that hurts...well, I have gone out on a date with a very nice man and I think he wants to see me again. I learned my lesson to not sleep with men too soon, since it does tell a lot about me as well if I do. So I will take your advice and wait longer, but I'm not sure about 3 months...don't you think that's too long?

 

But anyway, as you said, I'm already getting sick of all this immaturity...I wonder what creates fear to this extent? Could it be lack of love as a child?

 

I just wonder...lack of self esteem? I do know I'm like him myself, so it just makes it harder to forget about him...I think I want to make him fall for me so I can see "myself" falling in love...does this make sense?

 

It's just sad to realize that I'm not as loving as I thought I would be. I'm one of those people who do fear commitement myself I guess...even though I want a relationship, I wonder how I would have reacted if I were in his shoes...probably the same...which makes me wonder how stable I am.

 

I do think though, that I am much better off than he is, since I'm aware of my problems and he isn't.

 

Again, Thank you so much Totally confused...You don't know how much you helped me.

[Totally Confused]

I'm so glad you're doing better. Even if this nice guy your dating, doesn't do it for you, you're at least off to a good start. Look at him as a nice guy starter kit.

 

You say that you want love and yet you don't want it...and then you say you think maybe you're a committment phobe. Don't mix up your youth and being normal with being a comittment phobic. You're in your early 20's and you are exploring who you are. Don't be so quick to label yourself. Take your time. You don't have to figure your life out in one day. Your at an age where you should be exploring what you want and don't want from a relationship. Explore all your options and enjoy it. Stop pressuring yourself to make a decision. If love were to come along everyday, it wouldn't be so special. It will come when you're ready, but you have to be patient...and enjoy your dating time, cause when you finally get into a relationship, you'll look back and kind of miss the fun of dating different people. Enjoy whatever stage you are at, cause you never want to look back and regret.

 

And the waiting for 3 mo. to have sex...I'm not kidding. It takes 3/4 mo. in order for a couple to finally start to really, really get to know one another. I know it seems like a long time, but you'll be smart if you do wait. You say you want real love, then what's the rush to have sex. Sex isn't love. Anyone can have sex. Nurture the friendship first and make that special. Sex can make or break a relationship. I know it may feel good and it may seem like the right time very soon in the relationship, but be careful. If the guy really likes you then he will wait and not pressure you. Remember it's your body and you set the rules. By waiting you'll also know if the guy is in it for the long run and not just a jump in the sack or a bed buddy.

 

And when you say you're not as loving as you thought you'd be, it's only because you haven't found someone worthy of your love. Stop worrying so much. I know being in love is the most wonderful feeling, but don't just waste it on anybody. Just focus on the things you like and before you know it, you'll have found him.