I CANT LEAVE HIM.. but i think im being abused

[ashleigh422]

I don't know what to do. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel as if I am being emotionally and verbally abused. I have done my ressearch and it all makes sence and fits with everything he does. The yelling and accusations of cheating ALL the time. He always wants me to quit my job if I work with men. When we fight he's takes no time assasinating my character. He calls me " fat ...you know what", when i tell him i want to leave he threatens to take my 2 year old from me... he tells me things like,.. good luck, see who'd want to be with you now you... bad word that begins with Wh... i cant take it anymore. the only thing thats keeping me with him is that he hasn't help me pay MY mortgage for almost a year, I am $6,000.00 behind and just finally got a pay arrangement worked out and my payments will be double in a few months... I cannot afford them on my own. I make too much to get assistance but not enough to buy food or diapers or any necessities needed to live. What am i supposed to do? Does anyone konw where I can get help? Should i just stick it out? I have two kids and not much of a supportive family. My mom thinks money is more important than happiness EVEN after she saw me with black and blue arms and a black eye( only one time but still). What should I do.. i need you guys advice.

Ashleigh

[heartbroken31]

Yea you are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave this relationship.

 

Sell the house and get out while you can, for your own safety and the kids as well.

 

In saying that, you have to be ready to do it. There are services out there that can assist you.

 

Report to the police and maybe get an intervention order.

 

Things will never change they will only get worse. You are better than that and you have the power, not him, take the power away from him and make a stand.

 

It is a shame your mum is not supportive. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

[ashleigh422]

I really don't have anyone. His family, of course is extremely supportive. My mom is greedy and my gram(love her to death) thinks that kids theese days just don't stick it out through the tough times. my gramps was mean to her in there first 10 years and here they are 50 years later... so no i really don't have anyone.. The girls at my work are great and supportive but its just really hard expecially with XMAS coming up.. what will i do.. my kids wont get anything from santa.. no way i cant do that to them.. they are what keeps me there.. I cant sell my house because I owe more than it is worth at this point.. he has ripped out many areas to "upgrade" and never finished so many-a-projects are unfinished, my only option is to stay in my home

[ashleigh422]

I have thought about filing a child support order- can i do this while he lives with me> and what will happen if i mark- FAMILY VIOLENCE INDICATOR? does anyone know?

[woodsfield]

if you think you are in an abusive relationship you probably are. and from what i read, you are. ALL kinds of abuse; black and blue, yelling and degrigation...i'm not sure what you CAN do, but i do know you need to get away from this guy...he sounds like a reeeeeal "winner".

 

i'm sorry for your situation and your lack of support network. remember, unless they are a felon, judges most likely won't take a child away from their mother. don't listen to his sorry ass.

[Jasmine8719]

You need to leave and get out now, yes it is abuse and him threatening you and having you quit work because other guys work there thats all just him trying to control you and hitting. It's worse to stay in abusive relationship than leaving and having to be on your own. The abuse only gets worse. Don't try to stay around waiting for him to change because he isn't. I don't have an exact resource where you can go for help, but if you have a health care plan, I suggest calling them and asking maybe even Oprah.com she usually has resources on there. There are always options. Do it for you and the sake of your children. Good Luck

[almostthere]

I know exactly where you are coming from...I was there and the man you are describing could very well be my exhusband.

 

I had two children with him and finally decided I needed to walk away. You stated that the reason you stay is because of the kids....they are the reasons you should leave. I am going to tell you the things I told myself when I was going through it.

 

1. You are none of what he says. He says these things because he think you will leave and if he can put you down and make you feel ugly and think you will be regected by others you will stay with him.

 

2. You are putting yourself through this whole ordeal looking out for the financial best interest of the children. All that is happening is that your son or daughter is learning that this kind of abuse is what is expected for a man to do to a woman and that a woman should love him unconditionally. Is this what you want your children to know?

 

3. I grew up in a house where all my parents did is fight. My dad broke his hand from being drunk and hitting the wall inches from my mothers face right in front of me. I feared for her life. I thought they would literally kill each other. I was 5 - 10 years old through this. Just so you can compare ages.

 

4. You feel trapped. First of all, who is going to love someone with two children? Who could be a better dad then their own (assuming that they are his)? He pays the bills and takes financial care of you and your family. How will you be able to afford it on your own? First of all, men love moms. We are soft kind and gentle. We care and value life like no other single non mother ever could understand. They are an addition to a relationship not a complication. Never forget that. Secondly, you are not in debt to him. What he did was nice but it was not completely without reason. He thought by helping you you would always stay because he can hold this above your head. Too bad...the damage he has done to you and yor children far exceeds any money he has ever shelled out. If he loved you he wouldnt hold this over your head. And finally...if he is their father...there are a ton of men out there that could far exceed his fathering abilities and yes, another man can love your kids like his own.

 

5. What good is Christmas if all you see is your parents fighting and your home life is miserable? Take out a small loan. Charge it if you need. Take ona second job or secretly stash some money away from him.

 

6. How will you go on with out him? Once you are away I promise you within a very short period of time you will feel so good and you will start to heal and you will promise you and your kids that no one will ever make you feel that way again.

 

7. Just leave. Easier said then done. I understand that. But with the internet you can go on many websites and start researching financial aid in your state. I had my mom to go back home to but I didnt make a lot of money and didnt receive child support for 4 years. I had bills to pay like you wouldnt believe. Figure out what you can live without. Phone, cable, turn off lights behind you, drive less, change insurance companies, shop at aldis. Find an apartment that you can rent based on your income level. Seek out the YWCA to find out about childcare assistance. It really helps. Get your health insurance through All Kids or whatever state appointed medical aid you have. I dont know what state you are in but there is a ton of help out there for people in your situation. Contact your local shelter for battered and abused women and children. They can offer room and board for awhile and they are usually nice facilities. Children will adapt...they are stornger then us. They will never judge you for where you live...they will judge you for how you love.

 

He will hurt you worse. mentally or physically. He will not change. he will not go away and leave you everything. He is not and will not offer you a free ride. everything he does is hidden behind secret reasons for doing it. He needs help but you will not be the one to save him. he needs to figure that out on his own.

 

If by chance you live in IL I can give you a ton of advice and phone numbers.

 

Good luck...I so know how you feel.

[quankanne]

as hard as it is, just walk away. Before you or one of your babies gets carried away in a body bag. Not trying to be dramatic here, just thinking about what a professional told me about abused people: It takes an average of seven attempts to leave an abuser … and a lot of times it's inside a body bag.

 

you don't want that, nor do your kids need that.

 

yes, Christmas is coming up, but I imagine your kids aren't greedy little shxts who expect top-of-the-line crap and will hate your guts if you don't get them what they want … they probably want to be someplace safe where mommy isn't getting yelled at or hit or made to cry. Material things are a far second on their little lists.

 

there's help out there for folks in your situation, you just need to be strong enough to accept it. You're not an awful person for asking for assistance, be it emotional or physical or monetary, just someone who needs that kind of help for the time being, you know?

 

can you refinance your home so that you are able to make lower payments on your own? Would it be in your better interest to sell the place? Check with the mortgage company or with someone who knows how to answer your questions.

 

you have options, so don't psych yourself into failure to act by saying "I can't do X" or "I can't do Y" … because at this point, the word "can't" doesn't be in your vocabulary. You and your children are victims of abuse, and your first priority should be safety. All those other worries – house payments, providing for a wonderful Christmas, etc – are secondary.

[amaysngrace]

I think the first step in surviving abuse is recognizing abuse. Your guy is a controller. Let me guess...the black and blue marks came when you finally took a stand for yourself? Were you trying to leave? Or throw him out?

 

He's not going to pay you a dime for what he owes. If anything he will rack up more bills, especially if they are in your name. The key for him is to keep you penniless. He may even talk you into refinancing. Hopefully he hasn't yet.

 

I would go to your nearest courthouse and see what can be done to have him removed from the home. It's going to piss him off so you will need a restraining order for you and the children.

 

After you separate he will become a big cry baby. He will say how wrong he's been and he's going to change. Because you mean the world to him. Bullcrap! If you meant so damn much he'd have treated you properly. Not like a piece of garbage.

 

Have you ever been to a women's center? They have good counselors there who can help direct your moves and also clear your head so that you remain focused.

[brittany510]

you need to get out, thats what i went through also and im a lot happier that im not with my ex boyfriend i was physically abused to the point where it was a everday event for us, yelling and screaming and you dont want it tog et like that. honestly you dont want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that. you may miss him for a while but eventually you will realize you are better off, what if one day he gets so mad at you and kills you or your baby? you have to take charge before its to late. please try and leave him, you need help. move out of the house, try and move in with a friend or a parent and if your afraid he is going t do something call the police and explain to them whats going on and that you need them with you, they will do it.

[jmargel]

Call your domestic relations department, here in Pennslyvania they have a group called 'Women in Transisition'. They will house you and your children, you will be hidden from your bf and the process of getting him out of your life will start.

 

You may also call an abuse hotline they have resources that you might be able to use.