AussieChick Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Hi all I'm looking for some sort of feedback or advice with regards to my situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 18 months, and committed for 6 - (I'm 36 and he's 39 so we're not spring chickens, lol) At first I didn't understand his reluctance in dating me - especially as we hit it off so well right from the beginning - 12 months into my persistance he agreed that he couldn't fight 'fate' anymore and he committed to the relationship. Right from the very beginning he had told me that he had problems with intimacy, and issues relating to anything sexual. Slowly but surely I discovered that he had been abused as a child - sex and any sort of physical relationship is very uncomfortable for him, even the simple act of hugging or holding hands he has to force himself to do. He loves me very much (as I him) and he is making an effort to be spontaneous with kisses etc., and I make him hold hands with me - even though it kills him, lol. This is something I went into the relationship knowing, and I am prepared to be as patient as he needs me to be with this area of our relationship. He and I have discussed getting counselling, and he is hoping that one day sex, touching and all the intimacy involved in a relationship may well be something that he enjoys one day. When he gets drunk its a completely different matter - he is the most loving and caring man a girl could ask for. Does this mean that deep down inside he could become the lover I so desperately want him to be (and he wants to be)- or will the mental blocks always be there - preventing us from having a 'normal' sex life?? I would love to hear from anyone that may have had a similar experience, good or bad or any advice to how I can deal with this... Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 I understand both of your positions as I've been on both sides of it. It took me a couple years of therapy to be comfortable with physical intimacy likely because I was fondled (through clothing) as a kid. The result was I HATED TO BE TOUCHED. I mean, if my dad or a friend would put his arms around me to say "good job" after a track meet in high school, I would CRINGE! When I wanted to touch women, it scared the crap out of me, because I didn't want to talk about my past and I didn't want to risk being used, etc. What helped me get through it was therapy, and learning that it was more than safe to be physically intimate with people, that they weren't intending to hurt me. I've also dated a girl who was raped as a kid. She was hung up on some aspects of sex but not others. Go to counseling. Try to set up joint, individual, joint, joint sessions. This is surely difficult for you so you could benefit from the occasion individual session with the same therapist. I admire your patience. You are an incredible woman for it. But he does need to meet your needs too. I think counseling is a great idea. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Go to counseling. Try to set up joint, individual, joint, joint sessions. This is surely difficult for you so you could benefit from the occasion individual session with the same therapist. This is probably the best advice. Link to post Share on other sites
b0iiana Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 ive been raped before, it emotionally scarred me for life.. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 ive been raped before, it emotionally scarred me for life.. I've been raped as well and let me say this, you can overcome it and go beyond it and heal properly if you take the proper care of yourself. It took me almost 10 years to seek the proper help but I am all the better for it now. There's no reason rape should scar you for life -- you can make the choices NOW to overcome what happened THEN. Link to post Share on other sites
kellie123 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 He definitely needs to go to some type of therapy. I was abused as a child (age 3 - 8) by three different perpetrators, . It has taken years of therapy to enjoy the touch of a man on my body & to feel safe. I also loosen up a bit when drinking. It's much easier for me to let go & enjoy myself after a few sips of wine. One thing in your question, you said you "make him hold hands, even though it kills him". My advice, don't make him do anything. Let him come to you. He will in time. He just needs to feel emotionally safe first. Making him do anything physical is a really bad idea, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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