Do all women eventually end up resenting their husbands?

[DazedandConfused66]

Almost every couple I know you can see clear as day that the woman has obvious contempt and resentment for her husband no matter how hard he tries to please her. It just seems that eventually she will start pegging him as the source of her unhappiness and resentment will creep in. There is nothing a man can do to prevent this and I am so afraid of this happening in my marriage. I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my wife hates my guts. Is there any way for a man to avoid this or is it inevitable?

 

Someone took a relationship dump in your bowl of corn flakes didn't they?

 

Hyperbole. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. I think the world of her, she tells me and anyone else who will listen what a wonderful man I am. I hear it so often from her friends that it makes me blush.

 

I'm not bragging one bit. I'm very proud of my marriage. But here's the kicker....I know at least 2 dozen OTHER couples we are close friends with who share SIMILAR relationships.

 

The thing is....you tend to gravitate towards what you internalize. If you think all marriages end in divorce, all women despise their husbands over time, all relationships suffer cheating and betrayal....it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If, on the other hand, you find a role model you can emulate, someone (or someones in the case of a successful marriage couple) and learn to hang out with them, ask questions, emulate things that make them successful....wow, things can really become a self-fulfilling prophecy there as well.

 

A good friend of mine is an Olympic silver medalist. He told me once that Olympic athletes tend to internalize success to the nth degree. So much so that if you listen to them discuss their scoring at events they talk about "9's" and "not 9's" They NEVER give voice to anything less than the number 9. NEVER. They won't say "8" or "7." It's either a 9 or it's a "not 9." Sounds goofy huh?

 

"But wait a tic Dazed....the Olympic scoring system goes up to 10? Why not '10' and 'not 10'"

 

Very perceptive...I asked the same identical question to my friend when he first told me this.

 

He smiled and simply said, "Because nobody is perfect...using that as your mental goal just sets you up for defeat and disappointment every single time."

 

My marriage? It's a 9. I have some not-9 days, but we maintain a 9 almost all the time. I wish this amount of fulfillment and happiness for everyone...I know it's out there. I see it all the time because, frankly, that's what I'm attuned to see.

 

Good luck.

[EnigmasMuse]

I've been with my H for 13 years. I don't have an ounce of hatred or resentment towards him.

 

~I wish I knew how it was that some people have resentment and others don't. I wish I knew what the secret was. I was one of those who ended up having resentment when I was married.

 

~I think I resented him for not doing his part in the marriage, for not wanting to do his part. For him stepping out on the marrage too. But near the end of our marriage, I think most of all, I had more resentment towards MYSELF, for staying as long as I did in a situation that I knew was probably not going to get better.

 

~Even though I had resentment at the time, "do I think all women end up resenting their husbands?" No, I don't. That's not fair to say or assume.

[Trialbyfire]

Resentment is caused by suppressed, repressed or unresolved differences. If you can express, discuss, compromise and resolve your issues, there will be no resentment.

[Touche]

Resentment is caused by suppressed, repressed or unresolved differences. If you can express, discuss, compromise and resolve your issues, there will be no resentment.

 

Yes, exactly. It's really that simple. There's no "secret" to not resenting one's spouse.

[EnigmasMuse]

Resentment is caused by suppressed, repressed or unresolved differences. If you can express, discuss, compromise and resolve your issues, there will be no resentment.

 

I agree, however if you don't have a spouse that can also, express, discuss, compromise etc, it makes it harder to not develop resentment. I think that was one of my things was, in my situation, my then husband, didn't want to try to even learn how to compromise, discuss express etc. So it made me feel worse. But then I ended up resenting myself for staying as long as I did and hoping he would come around to things.

 

Also I wanted to add, that just because I had resentment then during that time of my life, I don't have that now. Not just becasue I'm no longer married but if I date or get involved with someone esle, I don't have the mindset that he will do to me what my husband did, or that ALL men will etc.

[RecordProducer]

Woggle, you've been married for a year or so. If things are still good between you two, they will always be good. The problems in my two marriages started in the first month of living together. And only get worse every month.

Resentment is caused by suppressed, repressed or unresolved differences. If you can express, discuss, compromise and resolve your issues, there will be no resentment.

Very good observation (not surprising from a smart woman!).

 

I resent my husband for our differences, because he is not open to communication. He thinks I should do whatever he wants without questioning his motives. He leaves no space for me to have my own individuality. Discussions are only possible for announcements, never for constructive ideas. He doesn't want an equal partner, he wants a servant in every aspect. A free-sprirted woman like me can't turn into a doormat.

I used to love him so much... and I ended up wanting to forget about these two years as if they never happened. He and his family are f*cked up.

 

But, it's a matter of people, not a matter of forced communication. When you are compatible with someone, you'll find it easy to communicate with them and vice versa.

[Touche]

Enigma, can I ask you a question? I'm just curious. Before you got married did your ex discuss things and compromise and resolve things? Or did he change after you got married...or was it that you never had any conflict before you got married?

[EnigmasMuse]

Enigma, can I ask you a question? I'm just curious. Before you got married did your ex discuss things and compromise and resolve things? Or did he change after you got married...or was it that you never had any conflict before you got married?

 

No, we had conflict before we were married. Nothing major though. I understand couples don't always see eye to eye, and disagree on things etc. I do feel he compromised some, was open to discussions more, and expressed himself some before we were married. I'm not saying it all went down hill after we got married, but as time went on, he got to the point to where he didn't really care about things like he once did. He stopped compromising as much, discussing things as much, communicating etc.

[Mz. Pixie]

No. You know sometimes men end up resenting their wives.

[Cobra_X30]

No. You know sometimes men end up resenting their wives.

 

That is just not possible!!! Slander and lies!

 

Besides its way off topic!!

[Touche]

No, we had conflict before we were married. Nothing major though. I understand couples don't always see eye to eye, and disagree on things etc. I do feel he compromised some, was open to discussions more, and expressed himself some before we were married. I'm not saying it all went down hill after we got married, but as time went on, he got to the point to where he didn't really care about things like he once did. He stopped compromising as much, discussing things as much, communicating etc.

 

That's a shame, EM. I wonder why people stop trying or caring? I hope you have better luck next time around.

 

And what about you, Wog? What's it like when you two disagree?

[EnigmasMuse]

That's a shame, EM. I wonder why people stop trying or caring? I hope you have better luck next time around.

 

 

Thanks Touche, I appreciate that.

 

I wonder if him porking another woman had anything to do with it?

 

Actually, him not doing the things he once did, happend way before that affair though.

 

But thanks again.

[Touche]

That's a shame, EM. I wonder why people stop trying or caring? I hope you have better luck next time around.

 

 

Thanks Touche, I appreciate that.

 

I wonder if him porking another woman had anything to do with it?

 

Actually, him not doing the things he once did, happend way before that affair though.

 

But thanks again.

 

Ok, don't be mad but I almost spit my roast beef lunch out at that. But wow, what a bastard. Yeah, that could have a little something to do with things going south. But it sounds like he checked out before that from what you've said. Unbelievable.

 

But see, Wog. Here's a nice lady who took vows and look what happened. Shouldn't EM and other women in her shoes be full of resentment towards men? One almost couldn't blame them. But would that be fair to do? I mean all men aren't louts.

 

(Oh and you're welcome, Muse.)

[Touche]

Just wanted to add this, Wog. I mean my point in my last post is that if other people have moved on past their bitterness and resentment after being screwed over every which way, why can't you too? It's not impossible. You seem to feed off of it somehow though. It's really not healthy to you or your marriage. We've all been trying to tell you this for quite some time.

 

Are you weaker than other people? If not then why can't you do what they've had the fortitude to do? And that is to leave the resentment behind.

[JackJack]

Woggle, no one keeps us where we are but ourselves.

 

I think we ALL have been done wrong at some point in our lives. Maybe not by someone cheating on us, but someone has wronged us at some point. I think to continue to have resentment for past things, is a choice.

 

 

I think most people don't want to feel bitter and resentment, but then there are some who I think do, and perhaps thats a whole nother issue in itself.

[Kenyth]

A lot of people are open to compromise, but only if it doesn't turn into a conflict of interests. If they have to start giving up so you can have your fair share, it turns into a problem. This generally isn't apparent until a while after marriage, when kids and other responsibilities change things. It can be worked through as long as you don't turn into a complete doormat. Generally, one person in a relationship usually gives a little more than the other.

 

It's when you start getting a severe imbalance that things go sour.

[allina]

Almost every couple I know you can see clear as day that the woman has obvious contempt and resentment for her husband no matter how hard he tries to please her. It just seems that eventually she will start pegging him as the source of her unhappiness and resentment will creep in. There is nothing a man can do to prevent this and I am so afraid of this happening in my marriage. I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my wife hates my guts. Is there any way for a man to avoid this or is it inevitable?

 

What sorts of things do you see women blame on their husbands and resent them for? Not challenging you, but I'm very curious.

 

I don't think it happens in all marriages and it is possible to avoid. I see many resentment free, happy marriages

[Mustang Sally]

Question: Do all women eventually end up resenting their husbands?

Answer: Yes. Absolutely. Completely. Without exception.

 

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

 

Come ON, Woggle.

Not this same old bullsh*t again....

 

[allina]

I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my wife hates my guts. Is there any way for a man to avoid this or is it inevitable?

 

I wanted to add something. It seems like your wife is a great woman and I don't see it happening to you. But, do make sure that you and your wife have a relationship where she feels safe telling you her needs.

 

I feel like if I was with a man like you I would be afraid to speak up because it would cause you to over react and think I'm being that typical kind of woman that you hate. Making someone feel like they have to walk on egg shells can cause resentment.

[quankanne]

There is nothing a man can do to prevent this and I am so afraid of this happening in my marriage. I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my wife hates my guts.

 

in 15 years of marriage, I've found the best way to avoid that is to try to be as open in your communication with each other as possible. Sometimes that means toning down your feelings (positive or negative) so that the message gets through, sometimes it means going the extra mile to let the other person know that not only have you heard them, but you understand what they're saying. Or trying to say.

 

it's never going to be hunky-dory 24/7 in a relationship (unless one of you has a lobotomy), but effective communication skills can go a long, long way toward keeping things on an even keel, even when you just want to stab your spouse with a fork.

 

woggle, I'm getting worried about you. You seem to be doing good, then you hit an obstruction (usually some ******* trying to convince you that women are evil, therefore your wife is evil) that undermines all the progress you've made. Have the two of you attempted marriage enrichment or counseling to help keep your marriage disaster-ready?

[RecordProducer]

Question: Do all women eventually end up resenting their husbands?

Answer: Yes. Absolutely. Completely. Without exception.

 

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Good one!

 

it's never going to be hunky-dory 24/7 in a relationship (unless one of you has a lobotomy), but effective communication skills can go a long, long way toward keeping things on an even keel, even when you just want to stab your spouse with a fork.

In my marriage, I usually yell, because my husband acts like he had a lobotomy when I am trying to discuss things with him. I would never yell at a person who sits down, looks at me, and listens carefully, then presents his side in a rational way. My husband would admit once in a while that the in-laws are jerks, just to tell me the next week that they are good and I am paranoid. Or he would tell me that I manufacture problems where they don't exist, which implies that he never did anything wrong and I am the one who invents problems as a hobby.

 

Communication, IMO, takes more than just talking. It takes understanding of both sides, compassion, love, courage to admit you're wrong, respecting the other party's feelings, and willingness to please your partner - not just yourself. I would have not been bothered by my in-laws had my husband put me first and admitted that they were jerks. But the whole problem is that he clings to them so much that he feels like he should be in the same team with them, not me. What use do I have that he defended me verbally when he finally decided to sacrifice me and the kids just to stay under their wings? Ultimately, compatibility is the key, not communication. Good communication comes from compatibility. A lion and an antelope can't communicate, because they have opposite interests.

 

woggle, I'm getting worried about you. You seem to be doing good, then you hit an obstruction (usually some ******* trying to convince you that women are evil, therefore your wife is evil)

He comes up with these men who hate women too often. I have a feeling that he is either looking for such men to hang out with or he interprets their words the Way they suit him.

 

I think all the pessimism he is expressing is not by accident. His hatred WILL eventually push his wife away and she will resent him. It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Lizzie60]

absolutely... All women resent their husband and this not necessarily too long after the M... and there is absolutely nothing a man can do about it...

 

Nothing men can do to avoid it... it IS inevitable.... sorrrrrry...

 

I know I did with my first... after 12 years... couldn't stand him breathing... my second... not in his case, but I was only 5 years with him... I suppose it would have been the same within a year or two...

[Aloros]

I think there are enough people out there giving personal experiences to the contrary that you should realize that this is NOT the inevitable!

 

My man and I don't let resentment build up. If we're upset about something, we talk about it and resolve it. It's very important to keep open communication. So...yay! This is how you avoid that "inevitable" resentment in your original post. Question answered, problem solved.

Go take a nap or watch some TV or take a bath or something. I understand that you're worried, but you really sound like you need to unwind.

 

Maybe you just need new friends. My parents have been married, blissfully, for over 30 years, my aunts and uncles are all very happy and affectionate in their marriages, and none of my married friends complain of resentment.

 

Your pool of friends does not make up the world. Your wife is not the woman you saw fighting with her husband in the restaurant. Just because some marriages fail doesn't mean they all do.

[Curmudgeon]

Almost every couple I know you can see clear as day that the woman has obvious contempt and resentment for her husband no matter how hard he tries to please her. It just seems that eventually she will start pegging him as the source of her unhappiness and resentment will creep in. There is nothing a man can do to prevent this and I am so afraid of this happening in my marriage. I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my wife hates my guts. Is there any way for a man to avoid this or is it inevitable?

 

Either get some help for your stinkin' thinkin' regarding women or get divorced, buy a hair shirt and become a hermit.

 

Second verse same as the first with you. The tune never changes, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

 

I pity your wife!

[Curmudgeon]

absolutely... All women resent their husband and this not necessarily too long after the M... and there is absolutely nothing a man can do about it...

 

Nothing men can do to avoid it... it IS inevitable.... sorrrrrry...

 

I know I did with my first... after 12 years... couldn't stand him breathing... my second... not in his case, but I was only 5 years with him... I suppose it would have been the same within a year or two...

 

...so why are you blathering in a forum and about a post that are nothing you've ever experienced?