My views on Second Chances.

[c.r.e.a.m]

After reading many stories in this section. I feel that no one has really gotten back with there ex b/f or g/f. I feel that the most people have gotten was a txt msg, phone call, msg through email or some sort of social websites (myspace, facebook, etc) having a sense of hope there was a possibility of a chance or just plain out confusion because there ex has contacted them through out those categories. People vent about what has happened to them or what they are experiencing with there ex at the moment and ask for some advice, but it seems like the advice people put out is the exact same in every other thread and people don't have a sense to listen if its like the advice that has been given to them goes through one ear and out the other. It seems like second chances will not happen anytime soon for anyone who has just been through a breakup recently or better yet longer, in the end its like its all up to the person who broke up with you to come back to you or not.

 

People worry about what there ex partner is doing or who they are seeing, but take it into strive, what can you do about it, nothing. Of course you will get hurt because its like your love just totally moved on without being healed and to think about situations you both went through, like what you are doing for yourself (thinking about your relationship and how to better yourself) . But put it this way, why worry about something you can't control. Put it to your mind if that person really loved you they would of never broken up with you no matter how bad situations were for both of you. So WHY chase someone that can't be caught...

 

So basically in my mind second chances are obviously in the air (depending on your situation) BUT not anytime soon. Kind like that famous quote "If you love something set it free, if it come back it was meant to be." Basically its destiny, you both break up, 4 yrs from now you suddenly bump into each other then you start off new (stating an example), thats what I believe is a second chance. Not that sh*t were you beg for it and bargain everything just to have that person back. Its like you only need them back so your pain will go away, it won't work that way.

 

Well I'm just stating my views. I'm shure people feel the same or if not state how you feel about what second chances are to you.

 

A little about me I just turned 18 and Ive been in a relationship for 3 years and she ended in the 1st week of August. She was my highschool sweet heart and we were both each others 1st for everything, same age, same birthday month. She ended it because she had another love interest so she broke it with me before she could procceed anything more with this guy, but she couldnt be str8 up with it. Had to beat around the bush and spit alot of bullsh*t. Now shes trying to have a realtionship (friendship) with me again because she has no friends left because of what she has done, basically when she dumped me she dumped everyone else because all her friends were my friends and they werent down on what she was doing. Theres ALOT more to it but that will be another time were I will tell my story.

[cookiecat]

i pretty much agree with you. it's just that, sometimes you have thoughts that swirl around and around in your head, and it's good to get them out somewhere and have people who understand chime in.

 

but yeah, it's totally true that there is no *rational* point in worrying about it. that's the prob.. it's hard to be rational when you're hurting so much, haha.

 

anyways, i'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. it blows every time. ugh... if you feel up to it, post yer story!

[heartoutside]

Dude, it's good to see you have a good grasp on it at 18. I don't think I could wrap my head around this crap at 18, take pride in that.

 

You are right when it comes to the outcome, it is as simple as it's up to her (or him) if they want to come back. There isn't anything you (we) can do except live our lives as they are to be lived!

 

I've learned a lot through this mess, but I've also seen how much emotion can take control of how you think, feel and react. Being blind sided by my ex I think was what set me up for such a hard fall, and I think many of us can say that.

 

Again, cheers on being mature enough and in control enough to see what is happening. There are some people on here (not to be a critic) who are probably twice your age and will never see the break up for what it is and we let their ex just "use" them and be there for them as a "friend."

 

Cheers to you!

[ninjaturtles]

There are some people on here (not to be a critic) who are probably twice your age and will never see the break up for what it is and we let their ex just "use" them and be there for them as a "friend."

 

Heartoutside...lol.I totally agree with you.

 

Dude, you're 18 years but your words are so true.

 

The only times my exes came back to me, was when they wanted to.

All the begging, crying, etc...never worked.....I moved on and they returned when they wanted to.

 

I am going through a breakup at the moment and its so hard to be blinded by emotions....its sad cos I dont think my ex has ever had his heart broken..I sometimes wonder if he understands that peole are blinded by emotions after/during breakups...a bit of a side track there..

 

But anyway, Your words have touched me today..If he loved me as much as i thought, we would still be together, especially as I was not over bearing..or did not posses a characteristic that was unbearable. Apart from being argumentative sometimes, that was it.......

 

I guess what will be will be, as cliche as it sounds. They will come back if they want to, the only thing we can do is create a situation which could encourage thier coming back.....

 

Having said that, Its hard to trust them aftet they have left you..sometimes it could strengthen the relationship though..other times they may have returned for the wrong reasons and so a breakup is inevitable, leading to more hurt and pain......

 

 

Either way, I am not going to pressure anyone to be with me...I guess I am worht more than that.....I could only come to this conclusion because of NC...NC helps you think, it helps you meditate...I am impulse kinda person but going NC (this is the 1st time I am going NC), helps me see things from a different perspective and actually makes me feel proud of myself in a weird way.....as opposed to making a fool of myself, begging and begging and calling and texing...I guess i can only say this now cos I ma not totally blinded by my emotions anymore....

 

In conclusion, I feel finally that if you have something important you want to tell your ex, dont call..put it into writting..and send it at least 2 weeks after the breakup....after NC.....tHE ball would then be in thier court...and you can look back and say you did your best.xxxx

[heartoutside]

Trust is probably the hardest thing to regain. The love will always be there, at least for me it will be, but the trust that I had in her is gone, and would take a lot of work on her part to rebuild and would never happen over night (or alone).

[Newtotheblogthing]

Cheers to you! I agree with what everyone has posted.. 18 and able to keep such a mature perspective! I loved reading this because it's so very true that we are blinded by our emotions and feelings, I mean I am, definately!

 

And if people want to criticize the process I have to go through to get to the other side, then they can feel free to do that. I am just here trying to sort things out, hope for some compassion and advice (which I may or may not follow). Often there is stubborness, denial, mistakes, etc.. but at the end of this road there will be a stronger more secure person.

 

Glad you might be able to bypass some of the stuff I have put myself through but I guess we are all different. If we weren't, wouldn't this world be a boring place!

[Blurple]

I am finally back together with my exc after three months. I dont feel like I am out of the woods yet. When I was 18 and she broke up with me the first time I had the same outlook. Now that we are both 22 I am considering marrying her. Everyday the past keeps getting deeper and that is what I am scared of losing.

 

 

Me and her BOTH messed up during our relationship and starting with a clean slate is hard. we both acknowledge that fact the we love each other but its more complicated than that.

 

I do agree with everyone else emotion suck. They blind you. When you are so deeply in love with someone and have had a long history its hard to let go. I feel that when you get older it gets harder. When your 18 your just starting out and that is how I felt. Now I am getting old 22 which is still young... I already feel like settling down, all the crazy things i did when i was younger just seem boring and useless now.

[brothermartin]

We're all just venting, man. Trying to cope with a loss in our own way. But, dont take this personally, you're only 18. You had 1 girlfriend leave you, once. I've gone through 6 break-ups and had my heart handed to me 5 times.

 

Not that Im saying your situation is lesser than mine or anyone else's here.

But you cant really know the pain that some of these people are feeling, you have'nt had those experiences. And I hope you never do. They can leave you scarred in ways you can only imagine,...or read about here. Any advice you can get on what not to do, or what to say or not to say on this site, please dont disregard it. In your future, it just might save you from being the next victim on the LS site to post a thread.

[c.r.e.a.m]

I know at my age this should be nothing, but it was my 1st love for 3 yrs why wouldnt I be heart broken, especially with all the events that has happened to me through out the break up. I felt how every one else felt in this site sad, confused, angry, basically the stages you go through when you lose someone. All types of games being played not knowing what your partner really wants, a whole bunch of questions in the air, which not even your partner really knows themselves. No one knows my story, what I experience, and what I went through, which in time I will tell... (not comparing my situation with others because everyone has there own situation they are going through)

 

I'm not here to criticize on anyones problems, infact I relate to ALOT of problems people have gone through on this site. Basically I'm just giving reality to everyone (I know its like for people, who am I to say anything at this age), especially for myself because I wouldn't want to hear what I want to hear cause it gives a sense of hope, which will linger in my head for too long to a point were it tortures yourself. I'm not dictating this to anyone, I'm just stating I really feel is a second chance is. This is not only for people here, but a big portion is to myself.

 

Its easier said then done, but I should practice what I preach.

[Trialbyfire]

I do agree with much of what you've said except for this:

in the end its like its all up to the person who broke up with you to come back to you or not.

 

Situations aren't always as cut and dried, in that the dumper sometimes has very valid reasons for doing so. If this is the case and it's been expressed as such, I feel it's the dumpee's responsibility to fix their issues and then approach the dumper.

 

Either way, one party has to approach the other, hat in hand...

 

Overall though, I'm not a second chance person.

[Blurple]

I do agree with much of what you've said except for this:

 

Situations aren't always as cut and dried, in that the dumper sometimes has very valid reasons for doing so. If this is the case and it's been expressed as such, I feel it's the dumpee's responsibility to fix their issues and then approach the dumper.

 

Either way, one party has to approach the other, hat in hand...

 

Overall though, I'm not a second chance person.

 

Why are you not a second chance person? You don't believe anyone should be forgiven for any mistakes? Maybe the person couldn't cope with his/hers feelings or couldn't communicate them properly. At least that is what happened to me in this relationship I am in now

[Trialbyfire]

Why are you not a second chance person? You don't believe anyone should be forgiven for any mistakes? Maybe the person couldn't cope with his/hers feelings or couldn't communicate them properly. At least that is what happened to me in this relationship I am in now

It's a trust issue with me. Once the cup is empty, it takes a lot of effort to refill it.

 

I'd rather move on and find someone who I don't need to work so hard with.

[Blurple]

It's a trust issue with me. Once the cup is empty, it takes a lot of effort to refill it.

 

I'd rather move on and find someone who I don't need to work so hard with.

 

 

I can understand that from a female perspective, however, what about the trust the was already there.. I mean if someone breaks up with me and wants to come back whole hardheartedly, admit mistakes... I mean no one is perfect and if you love someone it shouldn't be on certain conditions. After time of them proving they love you. Learning from their mistakes. At least the person had learned more about you and them self. It has always meant a lot to mean when someone would come back

[Trialbyfire]

I can understand that from a female perspective, however, what about the trust the was already there.. I mean if someone breaks up with me and wants to come back whole hardheartedly, admit mistakes... I mean no one is perfect and if you love someone it shouldn't be on certain conditions. After time of them proving they love you. Learning from their mistakes. At least the person had learned more about you and them self. It has always meant a lot to mean when someone would come back

I have to be honest here. I've never been a dumpee, although the majority of my exes have come back in some way or another.

 

I do understand what it's like to care a lot about someone, enough to want them back. Of course it crosses my mind to say, well maybe. The only problem is that I lack insufficient trust that they've changed, or I doubt their reasons for wanting back. Perhaps I've yet to meet someone who would be worth the effort, I don't know.

 

I'd just rather look forwards, than backwards.

[Blurple]

I have to be honest here. I've never been a dumpee, although the majority of my exes have come back in some way or another.

 

I do understand what it's like to care a lot about someone, enough to want them back. Of course it crosses my mind to say, well maybe. The only problem is that I lack insufficient trust that they've changed, or I doubt their reasons for wanting back. Perhaps I've yet to meet someone who would be worth the effort, I don't know.

 

I'd just rather look forwards, than backwards.

 

yes I was waiting for you to say that "looking forward than back" I have been told this buy many females. for example "going back to him would be like going backwards" I feel the love has no boundaries and love has no rules. If someone is worth a second chance they will be able prove it to you and make major sacrifices in their live to prove it. as for my girlfriend has done the same for me

 

Giving someone a second chance would be a risk but what is life without taking them

[ttree]

I have to say, that I agree, noone on here seems to have ever had a sucess story which makes me think some of the advice is a little questionable.

I have in the past had success second time around which lasted for sometime (ie more than a few months and during that period it was not rocky. However in the end the relationship went long distance and didnt survive.)

I posted a few days ago asking for advice on how to contact someone after a recent breakup, and I recieved a number of replies say NC is the bast way forward. In my experience NC won't work, the longer things go on the less chance there is of fixing them, NC for longer than a month or two is pretty much a seal of doom.

If someone breaks NC regardless of how insignificant it may seem, remeber they didnt have to talk to you even if it was just to say pleae go away, they could just have not bothered. The ice is broken

NC is never going to make someone who broke up with you realise they want you back because they see no reason to want you back,, they broke up with you because they didnt think you were that great of a person, NC wont change that view, if you have Low Contact there is a very strong chance if you play your cards right and prove to them that you are a better person that you are indeed worth giving a second chance too.

The best way to winsomeone back is 1st to get them to speak to you, then to like you, then to trust you and then its a home run, but it is a long battle.

[c.r.e.a.m]

I have to say, that I agree, noone on here seems to have ever had a sucess story which makes me think some of the advice is a little questionable.

I have in the past had success second time around which lasted for sometime (ie more than a few months and during that period it was not rocky. However in the end the relationship went long distance and didnt survive.)

I posted a few days ago asking for advice on how to contact someone after a recent breakup, and I recieved a number of replies say NC is the bast way forward. In my experience NC won't work, the longer things go on the less chance there is of fixing them, NC for longer than a month or two is pretty much a seal of doom.

If someone breaks NC regardless of how insignificant it may seem, remeber they didnt have to talk to you even if it was just to say pleae go away, they could just have not bothered. The ice is broken

NC is never going to make someone who broke up with you realise they want you back because they see no reason to want you back,, they broke up with you because they didnt think you were that great of a person, NC wont change that view, if you have Low Contact there is a very strong chance if you play your cards right and prove to them that you are a better person that you are indeed worth giving a second chance too.

The best way to winsomeone back is 1st to get them to speak to you, then to like you, then to trust you and then its a home run, but it is a long battle.

 

how can I battle it out if my ex already has someone which they already saying "I love you" and other stuff like that after a month, they barley know one another. Theres nothing I can do more because she is already with someone else. (lol I should really tell my story)

[Trialbyfire]

I have to say, that I agree, noone on here seems to have ever had a sucess story which makes me think some of the advice is a little questionable.

I have in the past had success second time around which lasted for sometime (ie more than a few months and during that period it was not rocky. However in the end the relationship went long distance and didnt survive.)

I posted a few days ago asking for advice on how to contact someone after a recent breakup, and I recieved a number of replies say NC is the bast way forward. In my experience NC won't work, the longer things go on the less chance there is of fixing them, NC for longer than a month or two is pretty much a seal of doom.

If someone breaks NC regardless of how insignificant it may seem, remeber they didnt have to talk to you even if it was just to say pleae go away, they could just have not bothered. The ice is broken

NC is never going to make someone who broke up with you realise they want you back because they see no reason to want you back,, they broke up with you because they didnt think you were that great of a person, NC wont change that view, if you have Low Contact there is a very strong chance if you play your cards right and prove to them that you are a better person that you are indeed worth giving a second chance too.

The best way to winsomeone back is 1st to get them to speak to you, then to like you, then to trust you and then its a home run, but it is a long battle.

It's what everyone has been saying over and over and over again. NC is not a technique to win someone back, it's a way to get over the other person, let go and move on.

[bigheartkindsoul]

Ok my thoughts on this, any dumper who takes the easy route of contacting by email, text or networking sites, is not really worth taking back. If than cannot push the boat out to win you back after hurting you so much (of course I am not talking all instantces by any means) but if they cannot come and see you or call you on the phone to begin with and make that initial effort do they really want you back, or are just feeling lonely/want an easy option/can't really be bothered but thought they'd test the waters.

[oppath]

Situations aren't always as cut and dried, in that the dumper sometimes has very valid reasons for doing so. If this is the case and it's been expressed as such, I feel it's the dumpee's responsibility to fix their issues and then approach the dumper.

Agreed, though most breakups don't receive such reasons (even if they exist). On LS, we see a lot of people wanting second chances, really, because the dumper gave them a soft sell. True, as a dumpee you may see false hope where it doesn't exist, but as a dumper, you need to make it clear "I value you and our relationship, but this isn't working. (If there are big reasons why, express them here, or...) I just don't feel we are right for each other to continue this relationship. My feelings have changed/haven't continued to progress. I don't see this relationship going further, any reasons I give would just be excuses I use to rationalize my decision. It's just not right, so I need to end it now, so you can heal and move on and find the relationship that you deserve, because I am not that person." Ha, like anyone would ever say that!

 

 

I have to be honest here. I've never been a dumpee, although the majority of my exes have come back in some way or another.

 

I do understand what it's like to care a lot about someone, enough to want them back. Of course it crosses my mind to say, well maybe. The only problem is that I lack insufficient trust that they've changed, or I doubt their reasons for wanting back. Perhaps I've yet to meet someone who would be worth the effort, I don't know.

 

I'd just rather look forwards, than backwards.

Women do end 75% of relationships. Can you really blame them for coming back in some way! It's a good point: you care about them, so it crosses your mind. From what I know about you, you'd probably let the men you dump know it is over, that it is not going to work, or that they needed specific things to change. Few men and women, however, communicate those feelings, and people are left thinking "wtf?"

[Trialbyfire]

Agreed, though most breakups don't receive such reasons (even if they exist). On LS, we see a lot of people wanting second chances, really, because the dumper gave them a soft sell. True, as a dumpee you may see false hope where it doesn't exist, but as a dumper, you need to make it clear "I value you and our relationship, but this isn't working. (If there are big reasons why, express them here, or...) I just don't feel we are right for each other to continue this relationship. My feelings have changed/haven't continued to progress. I don't see this relationship going further, any reasons I give would just be excuses I use to rationalize my decision. It's just not right, so I need to end it now, so you can heal and move on and find the relationship that you deserve, because I am not that person." Ha, like anyone would ever say that!

I tend to say it like it is, nvm the value part. Here's why I'm gone...

 

Women do end 75% of relationships. Can you really blame them for coming back in some way!

I'm pretty clear as at that point, that there will be no second chance.

 

It's a good point: you care about them, so it crosses your mind. From what I know about you, you'd probably let the men you dump know it is over, that it is not going to work, or that they needed specific things to change. Few men and women, however, communicate those feelings, and people are left thinking "wtf?"

The bolded lines are what I tell them, with the addition of why.

[ttree]

how can I battle it out if my ex already has someone which they already saying "I love you" and other stuff like that after a month, they barley know one another. Theres nothing I can do more because she is already with someone else. (lol I should really tell my story)

 

The fact she has someone elseis no real issue.

I am definatelt NOT suggesting you try to get her to either leave him or cheat on him. But being there for her regardless of whether it benefits you will make you look better in her eyes, all the while her new partner will be bitter twisted and resentful that you are still friends with her, over time this WILL win her back.

[mikeraw]

This girl I was seeing left me for her ex BF. So it's not completely impossible. I think he broke up with her, though. And she never stopped loving him. But yeah, I tried NC for a couple of months and nothing. Then I saw her, she was nice to me and I just lost it. Reacted with desperation. I'm not good at the dating game...

[c.r.e.a.m]

The fact she has someone elseis no real issue.

I am definatelt NOT suggesting you try to get her to either leave him or cheat on him. But being there for her regardless of whether it benefits you will make you look better in her eyes, all the while her new partner will be bitter twisted and resentful that you are still friends with her, over time this WILL win her back.

 

How do you pm here on this site, I would like to pm you.

[mikeraw]

I also enquired about PMing on this site when I first joined it and only today did I see the message at the upper right hand corner of the page...

 

You gotta pay for it or something...