Cheated on my girlfriend with an ex-bf

[Miserable]

I was with my girlfriend for 2 years. It was the best relationship I ever had. I am now in my mid-20s. Recently, I cheated on my gf with an ex-bf whom I met recently too. I had thoughts of turning straight and stuffs, but at the same time, I know my gf meant alot to me too. I was also very curious about sex. Last month, my gf found out about my infidelity... she was very very angry and very hurt.

 

To add to her pain, I was such a loser for not having the courage to tell her the whole truth. I had to slowly unwrap the truth, each time she revealed something that she found out. To her, of cos, I am a big ****ing liar... and a slut. She felt totally disgusted with me.

 

I am devasted. I really regret what I did. I probably wasn't wrong having thoughts about turning straight and stuff, but I went overboard. I love her so much still and hope she will forgive me. Everyday I bring her small gifts/lunches/surprises at her door step. I think it is harder for her to forgive me, because I know how it must really hurt for the other party to be a guy.

 

I really really regret what I did. She could be the one to spend the rest of my life with. She respected me and loved me all these 2 years and she did not succumb to any temptations though there were many opportunities for her too.

 

I just want to say that I am clinging on to the hope that one day, she will heal and allow me back to her life again, because I promise that I will love her even more than I did 2 years ago..

[midori]

We're all human, we all make mistakes. It sounds like you've realized what a big one you made.

 

Your girlfriend has the right to remain cautious and doubtful even though you have apologized profusely and are clearly desperate to make amends. It's kind of ironic when you stop to think about it: you betrayed her by sleeping with someone else, now you're trying to make up for that by bringing her gifts and being very considerate. Not exactly an equal compensation, is it?

 

The fact is, you can't make an equal compensation. What you did was really awful. The thing about being human and being in a relationship with another human is realizing that you will hurt each other at times, in ways that cannot be undone. The person who has done the hurting has to be able to live with that. And so, of course, must the person who was hurt.

 

I think that means that it's up to your girlfriend as to whether or not she can forgive you, and learn to trust you again. That will take time. It will not be accomplished by melodrama and irrelevant gifts. She probably doesn't even know yet what exactly it will involve. She'll have to decide whether or not she's up to the task. That will probably hinge on her assessment of you: can she trust you? Do you know why what you did was wrong, or are you just desperate to avoid the unpleasant consequences of your actions?

 

You have to decide whether you can live with yourself as a person who betrayed her girlfriend. You can't erase that deed by frantically trying to atone with gifts and tears and promises. If you can forgive yourself and resolve within yourself that this will not happen again, all that remains is for you to explain that to your girlfriend -- and then give her the time and space she needs to see how she feels.

 

Making amends is not about making yourself feel better about what you did. It's not about winning her over, it's not about convincing her to forgive and forget. She's not going to forget and neither should you. It should be something you both deal with, and then once it's dealt with it will fade with time. There will always be a shadow there, however faint. And chances are that it will be joined by other shadows, some created by her, some by you. That's life. If you can't accept that, if the prospect of moving forward with a permanent stain on your record is intolerable, then admit that and let go of her.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

You may love this lady a lot but you MUST love yourself more and be true to yourself. You've obviously got some serious sexuality issues that must be resolved for yourself.

 

Your post is ridden with guilt for having done something that you needed to do. Your mind may be lesbian but your body is perhaps bisexual or even heterosexual.

 

You are a very young lady with many years ahead of you. Guilt manipulation is very common in lesbian relationships because often one party senses the relationship must be glued together with it because of its fragility. Nobody needs to be psychologically bound to another out of guilt or out of trumped up feelings of love and connection.

 

By the way, this excess gift giving on your part is also a guilt manipulation technique, trying to make your female partner feel guilty about being angry at such a sweet, generous person. Stop it. Overcompensation for someone's perceived wrongs by giving gifts to the party who was wronged is one of the higher forms of manipulation. Your feelings that this will be successful has a lot to do with projection of your own vulnerabilities coupled with the guilt you feel. A relationship mired in guilt and manipulation sucks big time and in not healthy at all. And WHY would you want to be partners with somebody whose feelings can be purchased with gifts??? You have issues here that need to be explored.

 

For the sake of your future, you must see a competent counsellor to sort out your sexual identity issues. You would not have reconnected with your ex boyfriend if you didn't have some need inside of you for male attachment and companionship. A good counsellor can help sort out your feelings, discover which ones are true and which ones are because of guilt and obligation...and even perhaps fear...and help you heal from that point.

 

If you are truly lesbian, that's fine. Even then, you may very well be with the wrong person. In that case, there may have been a superb reason you wanted to hurt her with this episode. I don't think so. I think you need to sort out your sexual preferences. If you are bisexual, you need to know that and the only way you will find out is to be in a neutral setting away from the trappings of a partner who is terrified you're going to leave and who will do whatever it takes to keep you in the fold.

 

Don't allow this manipulation. You only live once. Make sure you live your life in the way your creator meant it to be lived. Do this for yourself and stop being manipulated by other people.

[Miserable]

Thanks for advices. None of my friends told me about the gifts problem. That really made me took a step back. The last thing I want is to manipulate this relationship. Originally, I was thinking that I needed to back off a little by not being too clingy and begging her to come back. She needs time. But I did not want her to think that I have given up on her either. So I thought constant gifts (may I mention small) or lunches would be a note to her that I am still waiting for her. But I totally understood what you've written. Thanks.

 

As for my sexuality issues, I have never connected at all with guys to the same level as with girls. Of the 9 relationships I had, only 3 were serious and they were girls. The last one was the most serious of all. Things started to strain when we had intimacy problems due to differences in sex drive. I do not want to continue with this, because I know it is not a reason nor an excuse for what I did. After going through this, I know I had given up a precious gem for some mere pebbles in the pond.

 

I know there will be shadows. I am ready to face up to this tainted love, and I am ready to receive and assure constant insecurities about trust. Right now, I know she doesn't respect and trust me as a person - and it is very difficult to love someone that you don't respect. I want to help her with the healing process, I don't want to leave it all to time. I read thru' many online help sites but I don't know if they work for relationships like mine. I don't even know if she wants me to help.

 

I guess it is very difficult for me to balance between showing her my love, and giving her space. To make things worse, I am working with her and I'm also facing examinations in 1 week's time. Sometimes, it is just too hard to face the life ahead..

 

Maybe what I've wrote doesn't seem to flow, but that's because my mind is in a mess.. sorry about that..

[Tony T]

Is there a particular reason you're wanting to avoid the reason for your betrayal with the ex boyfriend? What was behind that? How did that happen if you are truly committed to the lesbian lifestyle...if you are truly in love with your partner?

 

I wish you the wisdom to make yourself a path to happiness in whatever direction it goes.

[midori]

I agree with Tony that in sorting yourself out you have a few different types of questions to answer:

 

1. why did you cheat?

2. why did you cheat with that particular ex?

3. your only three close relationships were with women, but have you truly become comfortable with a wholly lesbian identity?

 

If you're not clear where you are on those things then you're not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with your girlfriend. You need to figure that out.

[midori]

following on that point, you might want to consider whether your frantic attempts at appeasing your girlfriend are serving as a distraction from dealing with the questions you need to answer for yourself.

[Miserable]

1. why did you cheat?

2. why did you cheat with that particular ex?

 

i dated my ex bf when i was 15. he had a gf then and i was his lover. We kissed once and went out a few times. it ended abruptly cos I couldn't stand being the mistress and I felt it could lead no where. He didn't stop nor hold me back either. Over the next few years, we bumped into each other a few times and everytime i see him, the attraction was still there. But nothing happened.

 

It was until i met him the last time, while i was studying in school, did we get to meet more often and got to chat. he has a gf too and he knows about me being lesbian. i confided in him about my problems with my gf and I thought my maternal clock struck and i was having thoughts of having a normal relationship. but i was still undecided because i still have feelings for my gf. Also, I was overwhelmed by how sex with a man could be. I was tempted by the lust and I succumbed.

 

What I did was totally wrong. She knows the whole truth cos I told her. I thought I was falling in love with the guy, but now I know it was just a major crush. Now I don't even think of him, and I dont wish to bring it up because the thoughts of how I hurt my gf and myself and our relationship is very painful. My goodness, he doesn't even really appreciate me very much, how could I have hurt someone who loved me so much (and I had to put in alot of effort to woo her too!!) with someone not of any importance to me?? (please don't slam me with this anymore...I know what a terrible mistake it is already..)

 

 

3. your only three close relationships were with women, but have you truly become comfortable with a wholly lesbian identity?

 

Yes, I am totally comfortable being a lesbian. I am not a closeted lesbian. I tell everyone, who is comfortable to know, that I am a lesbian. I have no qualms letting them know. I feel weird being in a normal relationship though because there isn't any emotional connection at all.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Also, I was overwhelmed by how sex with a man could be. I was tempted by the lust and I succumbed."

 

Tempted by the lust...for a man...uh??? To me this indicates some internal confusion. While I have no question you love this lady for whatever reasons, I still feel there are some issues of your own that need exploring...unless, of course, you are intent on ignoring them.

[yes]

I know some lesbian girls who don't want a r/s with a guy, yet sleep with guys for the physical pleasure of it. Is that your case?

 

-yes

[spunk 30]

Firstly, I wanna say that some great questions have been put forward in reply to the initial post, and they are important to consider...

 

I want to respond because I have been in exactly this situation, only it was my g/f who cheated on me with a guy...We had been friends for ages and realised that there was more to our friendship, that there was an attraction there (neither of us had been with another woman before)...so, we decided to explore it and it was great for about 6 months...then, she cheated on me with her ex b/f. It was tough, and there were certainly some sexual identity issues at work there, she wanted to be sure that being with me "was real", she was frightened to completely give herself to me, so she went off with someone else...

 

It was devastating for me...she wouldn't talk to me about what was really going on etc etc and she was motivated by guilt, and tried all sorts of means to "get me back"...The thing was, she just didn't wanna be with me, she didn't think she was good enough, and her actions clearly displayed that...As Tony said in one of his replies to you, it may well be that you feel clear about your sexual identity (and I'm not sure that really is the issue here), I think it may well be that this just isn't the girl for you/or, you're not the girl for her, otherwise you simply wouldn't have done this to her in the first place!! Maybe you feel you're not good enough for her or whatever? That's what you have to think about, and to reconcile with yourself. In the meantime, if you do care for this woman, then you'll give her the space and time that she needs...because she will be feeling pretty hurt. Put her feelings under the spotlight and think about what it is that's really going on here...That's why the questions that were put forward about why you cheated etc are so valuable.

 

Be real!

[Miserable]

Yes, sometimes I do feel that I am not good enough for her. She likes the hot sexy look, but I'm just a plain girl-next-door. Sometimes I do get the inferiority complex. But throughout the two years, I have learnt to subdue it and know that there will always be more attractive girls out there, there's no use comparing every time. Although sometimes the feeling creeps back, I never let it get the better of me.

 

I know my love and character won her over. As you can see, now that I have done something so sinful to break her heart, I guess my character has dropped to ground zero and probably very little left for her to love.

 

When our relationship was shaky, I kept harbouring on the negative aspects of our relationship. Like how I don't feel like a girl anymore, how we sometimes seem just like two best friends. That's where the relationship started to disintegrate. If only I had worked on it, think of the positive aspects of the relationship and talked to her about it, I'm pretty sure it would have worked out better. :(

 

spunk30, may I know if you made up with your girlfriend? Did you give her a second chance?

[Miserable]

In case I have confused you further by my sexuality issues here, I would like to clarify that my relationship with this girl is not a 'usual lesbian' relationship. If you have watched "Boys Don't Cry" by Hilary Swank, that's how my relationship is. She's Hilary and I'm Chloe Sevigny (Hilary's gf).

 

ps. I am not attracted to femmes at all.

 

I would like to get advice on how to get this thing to work again. Should I just leave her alone totally until she initiates to talk to me first? Or should I drop her hints along the way like a poem or a song just to let her know I'm still waiting for her? I'm thinking in long terms - I am prepared to wait a few years.

 

The last thing I want is for her to think that I have moved on without her. Neither do I want to irritate her and push her further away.

[midori]

I think that if you have made yourself clear -- your remorse and your wish to get back together -- then you have done all you can at this point. It's up to her. You can let her know that you're open to talking about things if and when she wants to talk, that you're willing to address whatever issues she sees coming out of this episode.

 

Then it's up to her. Lurking and hinting is likely to annoy her, it puts pressure on her. Just get on with your normal life as best you can: go to work, take your exams. Have a bit of a life, although obviously if you're serious about winning her back pursuing anything in the romance domain would be a mistake. Don't discuss her with your mutual friends, certainly don't bad-mouth her, or even say "welll I said all I could, now it's up to her..." -- that'll get back to her and will sound like pressure. If people ask, just say "I'm respecting her need for space," and if they try to take the conversation further just tell them you haven't got anything more to say on the subject.

 

There's no guarantee of a good outcome here. But the best thing you can do is convey to your girlfriend that you recognize that, between the two of you, it's all about her right now. It's not about providing relief or hope to you. On your own you have some things to sort out for yourself. But that's not your gf's problem.

[spunk 30]

Hey there...I have to agree with what midori said...you need to give your girl the space and respect that she needs right now. If you really do care for her, and if you respect yourself enough to do the "right thing", then you will do this for her...

 

In answer to your earlier question: yes, I did give my g/f a "second" chance (whether foolishly or forgivingly?!). However, because she had not resolved her own feelings of not being good enough for me, then her actions toward me reflected her feelings of inadequacy. We became distant and the relationship ended...It didn't matter how "nice" or reassuring I was, she continued to feel she didn't deserve me...it was something that stemmed from within herself, with issues of esteem and worth. The more I loved her, the more insecure she became with herself because she "couldn't" give the same back to me...

 

So, be very sure about what you have to offer. Believe in yourself, and let this woman that you love have some space to heal in the meantime before any other decisions are made. And spend some time to love yourself more, and keep busy as midori said.

 

Go well!

[NEONINK]

Originally posted by spunk 30

she continued to feel she didn't deserve me...it was something that stemmed from within herself, with issues of esteem and worth. The more I loved her, the more insecure she became with herself because she "couldn't" give the same back to me...

 

What could have been different here?

 

I'm just curious, because I've dealt with some of these issues also. Is it something the person with low-self-esteem must control, or could it be the partner of the person may be giving vibes that 'you just aren't good enough'?

 

I've thought for a little while that your partner can build you up or tear you down... because that's the vunerability of a relationship.

[spunk 30]

Obviously, relationships are a two-way street, they require give and take, mutual love, respect and care...Sometimes the more one person loves and cares for the other, the less care that person (the "receiver") takes of themself, and consequently they begin to take less care of the "giver"...

 

Being very self-aware, I have thought much about what I contributed to any feelings of self-doubt that my partner had...it seemed that I was simply "too nice", too understanding, and too forgiving - that drove her crazy...and in many ways probably led to her taking less responsibility for herself and her actions. No matter how much one person is told and shown that they are loved, unless they ultimately feel that from within, then it has the potential to be problematic within the relationship, and in their relationship with their self...That's why I suggested that "miserable" take some time to really look at herself and how she really feels about her feelings of self-worth and receipt of love from within her relationship.

 

There is only so much that one can keep on giving...there must be some sense of reciprocity somewhere along the line.

[Miserable]

Hi everyone.. it's been awhile since I posted cos I was rather busy with my exams..

 

Anyway, things didn't go well... at first I was clinging on to hope, I felt there was hope for us to get back together. I didn't over-showered her with gifts, but I still made her breakfast occasionally. She didn't respond/react to anything I did or say, I thought well.. give her some time..

 

Last week, while we bumped into each other during a smoking break, I was overwhelmed with emotions and I couldn't help but whispered "Could you give me another chance". She didn't reply, she ignored upon my second try as well and walked away. I tried stopping her, but she seemed upset/angry so I let her go. I thought "Well, she could still be upset at my huge mistake. But probably she still feels something for me deep down.."

 

Today, alas, I cried for nearly 4 hours. Not only did I find out that she had placed another girl's photo in her wallet (and probably replaced mine) , but I realised just how much that girl meant to her (still). The girl was someone she had a huge liking before I managed to win her over. She was the hot and sexy type of girl that she adores. She chose me over her because she felt I could go "long term" - she was the practical sort. She couldn't trust the girl enough. Now she feels that she has made a super wrong choice then, which I fully understand but still can't help feeling sad.

 

I'm terribly mad at myself for being such a scumbag, yet, at the same time feel sad that all along, this girl has always had a special place in her heart and she did not reveal that they were still in constant contact. She said that this girl has helped her in getting me off her mind big time. I guess she has moved on... so quickly I didn't even see it..

 

I understand that whatever I did was terribly wrong and perhaps no right to be upset by whatever she does right now. But.. I still do feel sad. I can't help it. Yet, at the same time, I'm also glad that perhaps this new found feeling for her could lessen her pain.

 

Sigh - my heart and mind is in a big chaos.

[midori]

I'm sorry it's been so rough.

 

One thing in your last post that caught my attention is what you said your ex's reasons were for choosing you over this other girl she was attracted to: you wouldn't flake out on her. That's an important consideration, of course ... but it seems kind of weird to tell your partner that, despite being much more attracted to someone else, you chose them cos they seemed like they'd be Old Faithful. How very flattering! What a great way to make someone feel loved and special.

 

Kind of makes me wonder if you didn't have some subtle security issues in your relationship with your ex. I don't think I'd be very comfortable in a relationship if I didn't think my partner had eyes for me and my only (well, at least I'd need to know I was the *most* attractive in their eyes).

 

I think you should just stop trying. You've made your position more than clear. Anything more is rather masochistic, and bound to be futile. And perhaps you might want to give some thought about whether there were actually some problems between you and your ex -- problems that might have pushed you to cheat perhaps. But even if they weren't behind the cheating, I'll bet there were problems (all relationships have problems), you just haven't been thinking about them because you've been so desperate to win her back. Back off and get some perspective on the relationship. You might find you'll see things quite differently.

[Miserable]

Thanks, Midori. I once had to get past this hurdle of knowing that I am not the "most" attractive girl in my gf's eyes. I thought I was being too silly, because I know I can't be the most attractive girl on earth. But sometimes I wonder why I am not the apple of her eye.

 

Sometimes it hurts, like there was this once, we were at a club celebrating my birthday and the girl was there too. A friend was asking her sister if she found her pretty, and my girlfriend commented that "If she's not pretty, who is?" I couldn't help but felt jealous and hurt. We did have a small tiff about this before, and she pointed to a packet of sugar and said "You can't ask me to say this is salt when I know it's sugar right?"

 

Probably I will write a book for her, pouring out all my thoughts and emotions inside. I haven't been talking to her lately so I guess the book will express all that I feel and need to say, for the last time.

 

For now.. I guess I should be concentrating on my exams..

[spunk 30]

I know it sounds kinda trite and corny, but you need to give yourself one great big hug and believe yourself to be the sexiest, smartest, sweetest woman in your world...

 

I understand how upsetting it is to feel that your beloved doesn't find you the "most" attractive woman in the world...you need to give yourself a break here...believe that there is so much more to you than your physicality.

 

The great Maya Angelou has this to say about being a woman, I hope it helps:

 

"Being a woman is hard work. Not without joy and even ecstasy, but still relentless, unending work...The woman who survives intact and happy must be at once tender and tough. She must have convinced herself, or at least be in the unending process of convincing herself, that she, her values, and her choices are important...

 

"She will need to prize her tenderness and be able to display it at appropriate times in order to prevent toughness from gaining total authority...

 

"It is imperative that a woman keep her sense of humour intact and at the ready. She must see, even if only in secret, that she is the funniest, looniest woman in her world, which she should also see as being the most absurd world of all times...

 

"...the woman warrior who is armed with wit and courage will be among the first to celebrate victory".

 

Be kind to yourself, spend some time to pamper yourself, and to be with people who make you feel safe and happy in your heart.

 

Go well...and, try not to be too "miserable"!

[Miserable]

Hi all, I haven't posted for quite some time but I have been constantly reading through the posts as it 1)helps to past the time; 2) helps to keep my mind off my own problems by reading other people's problems; and 3) maybe get some idea on how to solve my own problems.

 

However, I know every relationship is different and there is no fixed solution to each problem.

 

For an update on the current situation, nothing much has changed, except that she seems to be moving on fine and has told my friends to advice me to "stop wasting my time and efforts" on her.

 

I have quite a few questions in my head.

 

Q1. Was it wrong of me to let her have her space and to cool off?

 

Somehow I think this led to her being used to not having me around, and this has helped her moved on. I know I know, if having cooled off and she has decided to move on, then it's her decision and I cannot do anything about it. I also know if I got down on my knees and cried to her everyday at her house last time I could have gotten her back, by pity... But I'm wondering, that perhaps, at least, I would have gotten a second chance to shower her with love. But now, all I can do is sit back and wonder.

 

Q2. Would you have taken a risk to love me again if I had shown repentance and have apologised profusely and you feel there's no one else right now that you're interested in?

 

Somehow, I can still feel that she cares for me, misses me, and our good times together. Do you believe in this kind of bond? That when I'm lying in bed missing her, that she's also missing you? No matter what she says, it could be true because she really does want to move on with her life, but deep down, I know she still misses me? My friends keep challenging my feelings, telling me to move on, and discouraging my hopes. No one is supportive because they receives her signal that she has moved on - by what she tells them.

 

I read her msges on IRC / websites and they carry lines of emptiness and loneliness and sadness, e.g. Making friends with shadows on the wall .. I hope, one day, she sees me on the freeway to her dreams...

 

Am I reading too much in between the lines, or are my friends taking it too much by the surface of things?

 

______

 

You know, many umpteen times I tried to post but each time, I just erase everything off, knowing I have every single answer to what I posted. It seems I know so much, yet could do so little.

 

I just feel very helpless and tired, that hope keeps rising and falling, and I'm alone in this battle. It's especially tiring if your friends keep putting you down. I know they meant well, but I feel they were not engaged in our relationship so they could not truly feel how She or I may feel right now. Sometimes I wish they could stop advicing me - "I've wasted all the good advices".

 

On the other hand, they are the only ones I can talk to when I'm feeling low. When I have so much feelings pouring out of my heart, and I could not tell her. When I miss her so much, but I could not tell her. When I want to know what's going on with her life, but I could not ask her. That's when I need to communicate with someone - someone who could just tell me every single detail but not telling me to "forget it".

 

Am I asking too much? Is it my punishment for having an affair? Maybe Karma is at work now.

 

Thanks for having a channel to let things out.. Loveshack.

[NEONINK]

Q1. Was it wrong of me to let her have her space and to cool off?

 

I've got a feeling that you couldn't have stopped her from taking her space or from having to "cool off".

 

 

Q2. Would you have taken a risk to love me again if I had shown repentance and have apologised profusely and you feel there's no one else right now that you're interested in?

 

No, I would not. Apologize all you want, if you cheated on me, you are history to me. (That was your lesson in love to learn, now you know, so go on and don't make the same mistake next time.)

[spunk 30]

Hey there Miserable...I empathise with you...I know you feel like you want people to truly understand your hurt, remorse etc...the thing is, do you forgive yourself for what has happened? In order to keep progressing you must believe that you have learned something very valuable from this situation. Unfortunate as it is that your lesson has come about through such hurt, you must be aware that your ex g/f has allowed you to truly examine your own self by creating space and distance between you...

 

I also understand that you would feel frustrated perhaps at the "advice" your friends have been giving you. While they cannot fully understand the dynamics of your relationship, I think it is important that you focus more on the fact that they are trying to offer you support...it's not so much about what it is that they're saying to you, more that they are actually there for you, that they care enough about you to want to offer you their advice. So, just remember that the intentions and actions of your friends are coming from a place of love and integrity. Only you can truly decide what it is you need to do in this situation. Being vulnerable is important, it allows you to see more clearly where it is that you need to go, or get to...Remember, your strength is your weakness, and your weakness is your strength.

 

While you cannot control what has happened with your past love, you can take control now for the way that you deal with it, and with how it will influence your future relationships...you will gain more clarity and insight in doing so. I know it's hard, I know you feel sad, and alone and upset at times...but you're not alone honey, you have a bunch of friends out there (and here!) giving you all sorts of wise (even crazy at times!) advice...we're doing it because we care, and because we can! Take comfort in that, and keep forging ahead...no one is asking you to forget what you had, only to remember what it is you have learned so you don't let the same thing happen again.

 

As we say in (Maori - our indigenous language) New Zealand, "kia kaha"...stand strong my friend. Take care!

[chafed]

So what if you love this girl and give her, her time but she just goes out all the time and parties, then what>?