Author Randal602 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Share Posted November 6, 2007 day 2 of NC broken,,,, was leaving to pick up my son, and she just pulls up (remember she lives right around the corner),,,, I keep it light simple, we even laugh then she say something on purpose to make me angry.... I just pulled away.... sent her a text saying I hate when you do that...do you do it on purpose or is that just who you are...? she replied i.....t's me, it's me then she wrote you do things that make me mad also, so we are even.. I didn't respond....I don't know if I will ever get away from her...I have to move Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 you will have a relationship...she will be in you children's lives. And that is good and important for your son. But how she is involved in your life totally depends on the amount of control you give to her....and the amount you keep for yourself. Your reaction to her is under your control. If you need distance to make decisions then find ways to keep contact minimal. Email works well for that. She's probably angry because she has regrets...for what she did, for what you did. No one gets married planning to be divorced; on some level it is a failure and many many people find it hard to fail without blame. I know I do....and while I realize that I played a part in the failure of my own marriage, I do believe that because I did not want the divorce I have less of the responsibility for the decision...Because I was actively against the divorce, I have less guilt. She sounds guilty and responsible...and like she's lashing out. Life on a single income isn't easy; she's beginning to realize that now and missing the comforts of a double income life. And she may be missing being a part of a couple; or she may be realizing the finality of it all and wishing she'd made different decisions. Keep it light in fron to the kids; keep to the high road. The questions are numerous: does she love you, respect you, and give you the full truth...if so, would you ever trust her. do you love her, respect her, and give her the full truth, and if so areyou trustworthy. If you think about those questions (pray over them if you are so disposed) and realize that you can be a couple, give her a chance. If not, don't let false hope live for either of you, or for your son....move on quickly so that he has a father (and hopefully a mother) that can pay attention to him instead of their own issues and problems. I'd bet it has been years since he had your full attention. You are not the focus, neither is your STBX...remember that and your child(ren) will have a better chance of growing up with fewer wounds. The poor guy never wanted this, and had no contol in it. Good luck...because regardless of whether you get back together or not you and she will need to learn to co-parent for his sake. Link to post Share on other sites
nitelifeguy Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 thanks for the reply..am trying to hold on to some hope..but is getting where I don't even want to talk to her now...I just want her stuff out of the house and to begin to move on....I have been through this before and I can feel the apathy growing in me...I am sure I will regret this at one point.... she asked me today to wait two weeks before filing....I had asked her several times if she wanted to wait, she always would say I dont care or do what you want (in her eyes we were already divorced....was her latest statement after being angry in the last week)....I asked again, and told her that if she didn't care then lets get it over with (thats when she asked to wait 2 weeks, when she saw I was really going to do it) ...but I still want her stuff gone....not sure if I sould wait or get it over with, I doubt two weeks will make a difference now,,but it seems everytime I get ready to move on...she backs ups a little When I insisted she get her stuff out, she said she has no one to help her...(kinda of makes me feel better, knowing that she has alienated her friends and family also)...but then I don't want this negative kind of emotion to make me feel better..so I agreed she could just get her clothes and personal stuff and that we could wait and get the stuff in the attic and storage room later..now, I regret teling her that. I am not sure I can heal til everything is gone Am I wrong for wanting her stuff out?.... (i will never be able to fully move on, seeing her stuff all the time, knowing there is a conversation still to come about it, even the stuff in the attic) Should I wait two more weeks or get it over with? (I am at the point I just want to get better, prolonging it will just put things off 2 more weeks..if I really thought there was a chance, I wouldn't mind waiting, maybe) I went though all this with my first wife (15 years, and a child)....then she tried to come back 3 months later..we attempted to reconcile but I was too far gone by then. The reconcilation lasted about 3 months. The only difference is that my present wife not is not having an affair (that I know of)...so i don't know if there is too much damage done... sorry for the rants, am just in that "numb" stage that I really don't give a c*** anymore what happens, but I still know intellucatully that working it out would be best....could use any advice...(am tryin not to bore my firends and family with all this drama)..... My W is angry in the same manner as what your going through..The last time we seperated 3 years ago,I was blamed for everything and accused of everything you can possibly imagine..I mean,outrageous accusations of things i've NEVER even done! And most of them have to do with everything ranging from invasion of privacy issues to seeing other women. And like in your case of your first W,She reconciled with me 3 months later as well..Is that a standard time frame for women to process all of the anger and sadness before realizing what they might be losing? I don't know but i'm now 2 weeks into the third seperation since getting married nine years ago and i've learned what to do and what not to do in this situation because,like the last two times...Fighting on the phone or in person hasn't exactly advanced my cause or helped me to regain myself as a functioning adult so i'm keeping the contact to a miniumum...Allowing incoming calls only and as few times as possible until this insanity cools down..Which will be by my guess and experience,about a month before she starts making sedated-toned booty calls instead of angry calls..I refuse to subject my daughter to nasty all-out battles between us... So I would give her some more time..Like I mentioned,it took about a month and a half before my W cooled off to where she was civil and respectful of my feelings and opinions... Wishing you all the luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Randal602 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 it just keeps getting stranger and stranger..... thurday...she said she would try harder...friday she wanted to save the marriage.... saturday she called me out of the blue to say hello.... then wen I asked her about something... she went crazy and the divorce was back on... then sunday... she wont answer, am greeted by a Dear John Letter Monday morning, then a phone call later that day, (back to the confsed stage) I have to go to her house to pick up mail, I try to keep it light....backfires, divorce back on (I wouldn't stop it anyway....actually this roller coster ride is starting to be fun in a strange way).... I have things set up where we have to have no contact for at least a week.... she doesnt know this yet... am waiting for her reaction if I dissaper for a few days... actually met someone tonight. (she isn;t the one...but will be fun to hangout with...why do I feel guilty) anyoe want to guess how long it wil take her to notice I'm not there? Link to post Share on other sites
NocturnalRaids Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Don't let her remain in hurt. You tell her the date of filing the papers. But you should pay for all of it. Just get it over with. She is acting bipolar, and you should nudge her out of hurt. initiate LC, so that means you only talk to her if she calls or comes over, or contacts you first. Just imagin in a few months if anything will change. I think you have to make it clear cause she never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 She sounds like a damn yo-yo! Move on and tell her to leave yyou alone, if she has anger issues she needs help in finding out what's creating them. It isnt your fault. Good luck to you randal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Randal602 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 Part of the yo-yo part is my fault, I need to take resposiblity in some areas, I need to go full NC.... imagine starting it everyday...(the longest we have gone is 3 days...if I don't take control for my part we could be straddling this fence for years (even after the divorce goes through)... she just left here (dropping off some money she owed for a credit card)... we of course had sex.... so she is happy...seperate lives... and everything... but still has me around.... The problem is....am I happy with this arrangement?.... the answer is I am starting to see the benefits to my freedom... and having her on the side...but I know it will never get better or things heal til I decide to go full NC...one way or another... )break up or reconcile) I know this is my best corse...but things are at least exciting everyday... what do u think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Randal602 Posted November 17, 2007 Author Share Posted November 17, 2007 Update... any advice? Papers will be final in two weeks, we haven't talked in several days, Friday was my birthday...she came by, brought a card.....we talked for a while,,, she was going out of town for the weekend... I had finally gotten to the point where I was accepting it was over... just to confirm this to myself I asked her to go on a "date" next week... to my suprise she said "yes"... (normaly it would be ,,,we'll see...or I'll let you know next week or "i'm not ready for that yet") ...then as she leaves I ask her to let me know when she arrives (on her trip)... , so later that night she text me that she was there, I replied ok..have fun...her reply was Thanx, I will, Love You.. Then today she text me asking how I am and how are the dogs (they are staying here while she is gone)...I don't reply back...then two hours later she calls...I let it ring and retun the call an hour or so later...she brings up that she had text and called, asking what I was up too, and said she had found a jacket at some store that I might want (she knew I was looking for some new clothes)..... she is coming back tomorrow.... she will have to call and come by to get the dogs... (i had planned on not being here)... now I don't know what to do?..... I know she doesn't want to stop the divorce (not sure I want to now), also I don't want to get involved in some game of hers at this point.. (I have been going out some the last few weeks, playing alot of golf, working on the house...I know there is a life out there)... we agreed that we wouldn't date anyone right now...that we would put any issues between us on the shelf for a month or two.... that leaves me stuck on a fence..... she doesn't want to be with me (at least not very often),,,, and I have agreed not to date, so I am in limbo.... I had decided that I would not do this, and would move on with my life, then she starts being nice, even agreeing to go out, calling me, etc., so now I don't have a clue.... do i wait, try to salvage things, or do I move on my fear is that if I wait, I could be stuck in this seperation for a long time, facing alot more misery, ending in being hurt again what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
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