epiphany!

[cookiecat]

ok, i just had a flash of insight (temporary lapse of insanity, as i think of it), and i thought i'd post here in case it inspired anyone else.

 

i keep this file on my laptop full of thoughts and would-be letters to the ex that i write when i'm feeling clear-headed. i look at it from time to time when i start to fall into the hole, and it does help to remind myself of the truth of the matter.

 

well for the first time ever (ha and all in the day when i woke up the most depressed i've been in months over him), i had a really awesome calming epiphany come to me. if the feeling will last, i dunno.

 

and it's after posting to this thread i started last night:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134027

 

anyways, it's this:

 

i just realised, wait a minute... i'm totally dreaming about my ex and suffering and missing him and all of the things that i love about him. he is my dream guy in so many ways. but i remembered, he ISN'T that dream guy when he's with me. when i think of him now, i think of someone i want to be close to and in love with and creative with (we both design and make music) and going on all these fun adventures with.

 

but then i remembered, he was not that way with me. he never really opened up to me. in four years! he barely opened up to me... he didn't try to connect to me. i was sad and lonely, even though i was with him. i tried and cried SO MUCH, trying to get through to him.

 

he was never able to learn how to be open and loving to me, for the four years we were together. sure, there were glimmers of it here and there, but it never lasted. he'd just close up again.

 

now i remember how i felt while i was in the relationship.. now i remember why i myself wanted to break up many times, and why i would develop other crushes (small innocent ones! i never even began to do anything about them) while i was with him.

 

i just have to remember that i'm much better off on my own. if he finds it in him to come and give me what i need, then i will be in heaven. but it's not like i'm missing out on a whole lot right now. i was not happy.

 

if being apart doesn't make him realise this and motivate him to give me what i need, then NOTHING was going to change anything in the relationship. and so be it. i will mourn and be sad for what could have been, but i have to remember, i'm really not missing out on anything. i can't give in to these fantasies i'm making up in my head. i have to remember how it really is... how can i forget this so easily? emotionally, he was a terrible match for me.

 

now if i can just keep this feeling.. the feeling of how it really was and why i wanted out too......

 

just remember, most of us here are probably romanticizing and fantasizing about how it was. some of us must not have been happy either during our relationships that ended, even though we may have been the ones who were let go. try to remember the truth. it's so empowering.

[NorCalDave]

ok, i just had a flash of insight (temporary lapse of insanity, as i think of it), and i thought i'd post here in case it inspired anyone else.

 

i keep this file on my laptop full of thoughts and would-be letters to the ex that i write when i'm feeling clear-headed. i look at it from time to time when i start to fall into the hole, and it does help to remind myself of the truth of the matter.

 

well for the first time ever (ha and all in the day when i woke up the most depressed i've been in months over him), i had a really awesome calming epiphany come to me. if the feeling will last, i dunno.

 

and it's after posting to this thread i started last night:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134027

 

anyways, it's this:

 

i just realised, wait a minute... i'm totally dreaming about my ex and suffering and missing him and all of the things that i love about him. he is my dream guy in so many ways. but i remembered, he ISN'T that dream guy when he's with me. when i think of him now, i think of someone i want to be close to and in love with and creative with (we both design and make music) and going on all these fun adventures with.

 

but then i remembered, he was not that way with me. he never really opened up to me. in four years! he barely opened up to me... he didn't try to connect to me. i was sad and lonely, even though i was with him. i tried and cried SO MUCH, trying to get through to him.

 

he was never able to learn how to be open and loving to me, for the four years we were together. sure, there were glimmers of it here and there, but it never lasted. he'd just close up again.

 

now i remember how i felt while i was in the relationship.. now i remember why i myself wanted to break up many times, and why i would develop other crushes (small innocent ones! i never even began to do anything about them) while i was with him.

 

i just have to remember that i'm much better off on my own. if he finds it in him to come and give me what i need, then i will be in heaven. but it's not like i'm missing out on a whole lot right now. i was not happy.

 

if being apart doesn't make him realise this and motivate him to give me what i need, then NOTHING was going to change anything in the relationship. and so be it. i will mourn and be sad for what could have been, but i have to remember, i'm really not missing out on anything. i can't give in to these fantasies i'm making up in my head. i have to remember how it really is... how can i forget this so easily? emotionally, he was a terrible match for me.

 

now if i can just keep this feeling.. the feeling of how it really was and why i wanted out too......

 

just remember, most of us here are probably romanticizing and fantasizing about how it was. some of us must not have been happy either during our relationships that ended, even though we may have been the ones who were let go. try to remember the truth. it's so empowering.

 

 

Such a great post.

I was always trying to get my ex to completely open up to me in the 3+ years I've known her, but she never gave herself to me the way I wanted.

I gave my heart and soul to that woman, and I didn't receive back half of what I gave, so I was always feeling empty with her.

I think I was more in love with how it COULD have been, not really how it actually WAS.

The reality was, I fell in love with an emotionally unavailable commitmentphobe.

I thought that our love would change her and she could/would love me how I deserve.

But you know what? After sooo much heartbreak and so many breakups and going back and forth, I now realize she will never change, and she is who she is...especially since she is 49 and probably won't change much.

I am just a 29 year old guy with a lot of love to give, and I told her that, and showed it too.

It broke my heart when she walked out of my life for the third time this summer, but she doesn't deserve any more chances.

She had her chance to be loved and to be with a great guy, and if to her being alone is a better alternative, then so be it...it just means someone else out there is better for me.

Great epiphany though, thanks.

[cookiecat]

man i can really relate. i'm 29 too, but he is only 28.. so maybe he could change? i don't know...

 

all i know is i gave everything too. it makes me so sad that it wasn't in a way that moved him to want to open up to me. i can't get past the guilt that it was my fault that he never opened up. i keep thinking, god, if only i was more patient. if only i didn't get so frustrated and emotional. if only if only if only. it's all pointless i suppose, isn't it?

 

anyways, i'm glad you could relate

[cookiecat]

oh yeah, just wanted to add too, that i also have realised many times (even while i was with him ) that i was in love with what could have been... not really with the situation itself. i kept hoping it'd get better.

 

he has always been emotionally unavailable.

 

to give him credit, he was aware of this and admitted to it. he tried to change, and it really seemed to be working sometimes! but then he'd slip back shut. it was so painful.

 

i know people don't change just like that. and that it isn't right to make someone change. i just keep hoping that somehow, he'll have some kind of epiphany himself.

 

when we talked on the phone last week, he said he was reading these self-help books on how to connect to people better, haha. i was SURPRISED, to say the least. however, i didn't get the impression that he was doing it for me i mean, whatever, to hell with me. he should do it for himself of course. but obviously i would hope to be the inspiration, and i don't think i was. because the rest of the convo wasnt' really about him wanting me back. he kept saying that we have to be rational about things, and that it was unhealthy, and that one of us would have to change the way we dealt with problems. anyways that's all in my other thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133919/

 

 

ugh.. so crappy

[Fun2BMe]

ok, i just had a flash of insight (temporary lapse of insanity, as i think of it), and i thought i'd post here in case it inspired anyone else.

 

 

just remember, most of us here are probably romanticizing and fantasizing about how it was. some of us must not have been happy either during our relationships that ended, even though we may have been the ones who were let go. try to remember the truth. it's so empowering.

 

Yes, I think you are definitely onto something. I too was not so happy with how the situation was while I was in it, but I think I was fantasizing of how it COULD be, and later romanticizing about it, thinking I was happier than I really was in it.

 

What's helping me to move on is not to think of the good times and what I got out of it, but to dwell on the bad times and the misery it caused me, what made me feel unfulfilled about it, what I didn't like. Otherwise I think at times when we are apart, even the smallest memories of the good times can be dwelled on so much that they became blown up and take over, leading me to miss those and forgetting about the bad things.