Can't Breathe

[MsMartha]

Sorry to bother you but, I feel sooo alone. I know it's selfish, but I can't stop crying. I go out you know it's a beautiful time of the year and that makes me sad. I am so glad it's Saturday, at least I don't have to hide my emotions. People probably think I'm a crack head with all the "visits" to the bathroom. Just so I could sit in privacy and cry. Yes, in the stall. Where people urinate. Not "our" bathroom. I thought the tears part was finished. I keep seeing it over and over in my head. And I remember things like the girl never asked who I was when I walked into the room. She knew about me and she wasn't surprised. Oh God ........

 

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I am tired of being the one to suffer here. He's got 'em lined up. Nothin for himto move the next one in. Where is the justice i that?

I was there for him when his father died.

Now I look at his sisters, who don't know. I want to tell them. I want "them" to know what kind of a man their brother has become. Of course they would never interfere. So there must be some before my time history on that.

His oldest sister sells art in my best friends art gallery. She called today to invite me to a light lunch. I usually say yes, but I can't even face her. She's known her brother since he was born, so she would see it in my face. I think they all knew, they were just waiting for me to find out.

 

I can't type anymore now...

[Cobra_X30]

What do you plan to do?

[MsMartha]

Thinking about what to do next is so overwhelming.

We have our bank accounts and the house....

We are working together on a project and have both signed contracts, so I am sord of obligated to be around him.

 

I am thinking about taking a hit and walking out clean.....

Finding someone to take my place......

Just everytime I think of it I start to loose my breath.....

I'm tired of starting over....

I make a meager living as one...

We had built so much together.......

My sister tells me to stay and finish the project,

while looking for the next one....

I'm crying in bathroom stalls for Pete's sake!!!!

 

My brain seems to be locked on permanent rewind...

I can't get those images out of my head.......

And now I have to organise and I just don't know....

The thing is I knew him and his reputation and I thought it would be different....

Now my family and his family bar b que together...

I gotta grow a spine and take action...

If I can just get off the couch and stop crying.....

Too early for a cocktail...lol Not my style

 

So I guess the answer is I don't know what I am going to do.

I have to see him this week to have "the talk" but I always suck at that...He gets me so off my point ..... I have no idea what to say to him

Wish I could make him pay..... NOW he's SORRY...right That he got caught pants off!!!

[Cobra_X30]

Your situation is tough. He never deserved you! I cant tell you wether to stick it out or leave. Do you think you can handle it?

 

Can you wear a mask? Can you put on a face, and let no-one see your pain?

 

When you talk to him. Stay strong. You dont have to respond to him. Treat his words like wind. Say what you need to say, his words are worthless. Lies and deciept are all he knows!

 

Someone better is right around the corner! Someone who can love you and only you! Believe it!

[annieo]

When did this happen? It sounds pretty fresh. And what exactly did you walk in on? Full-on sex, him/her in the same room? You don't need to share this, obviously. I get the impression it was not a situation where there was any element of doubt.

I wish I had some magic words for you, you sound so forlorn, but there aren't any. My reaction to being treated like crap, however, is not to get sad but to get really, really angry. How DARE someone treat me like that! And from there i move on to, "That ******* doesn't deserve me and thank god I haven't been married to him for years, children, etc. and THEN found out."

This might sound weird, but he did you a favour. He tipped his hand before you were in any deeper (I hope I'm right on this. If you are married to this jerk, then please accept my apologies).

[MsMartha]

Well first let me excuse myself for not thanking you all for your time and support. I am very weak for this man. I am afrai that I will give in.

 

I know what is rational, I just can't seem to keep it in focus when he's telling he how much he loves me. In the moment, but as soon as he goes to the bathroom I remember everything. Lawd I am a MESS!! I know better.

 

So it went down like this. I have been really suspicious of my bf habits. He comes and goes as he pleases cause his part of the project requires that he goes to the site. So I never know where he is when we work together. Anyway, he started being mean to me when I would as a simple question about the site. And little things like that. I have an apartment full of stuff overseas. From a previous project (I got to keep the flat for two extra months.) I was scheduled to leave last week. Just before its time for me to go he wants to give me attention and then pick a fight. Curious. My usual pattern, I hate confrontation and fights so I go to my sis' house. So this time I was supposed to have a flight but because of storms things were delayed. They asked people to stay yada yada. I go back to my sis' I call him and nowhere to be found. I call again an hour later it's the same ole crap. I say I am still here but staying at my sisters' to take another flight a 6 in the morn. The truth: I was tired of his lies and didn't want to see him for a few days. But, then I got this feelin.... He kept calling my sisters houseline to be sure that I was here. He did it on Wednesday night. Then again Thursday he picked another fight. I was soooo mad. But then I started thinking everytime I get into a blowout with him I go to my apart or my sis'. He's setting me up..... My heart starts beating and then I knew.... He's cheating a lot right now with someone he promised he would hang with (cause I'm suposed to be gone.) So Friday he calls and says he's sorry for all the fighting and wants me to come home. And then it hit me. He's finised the need of the OW for the next cuple days so now it's my turn. I told him I had to take my niece to school for speech and debate competition. I stayed at the flat. I call saturday and he ignores my calls for five hours! Finally he calls me back with an attitude so I went to a concert that night. I got free tickets and backstage for Roberta Flack. He calls me while I'm there and says stay where you are I'm going out. I Knew then. He does't call allday sunday, then out of the blue at midnight he calls to say he wants his van back.(his van?) He would come to get it in the morning. I called back no answer. second time no answer. Its 1 in the morning and the house is an hour away. I got in the van and went. When I arrived I saw the car. So I had to move fast. Because you can hear cars coming up. ( should have parked on the side but I was so mad) I got out the house keys quickly and ran to the door. They locked both locks...slowed me up a little. but I got that seond key out and open and as I open the door, the girl is running to the couch and pulls the cover over her head like she was sleeping there:confused:. I run to our room he's butt naked (oh her too) and her panties bra and skirt were on my side of the bed. He didnt say nothng just looked at me. Trying to figure out how he could swing this. Qu'elle con!

[Lyssa]

Holy macaroni! This sure brings back one hell of a bad memory!!

 

So what happened after that? Has he called you since?

 

Gee whizz, MsMartha! Tell him off! I can't believe the nerve of that jerk!!!

 

Aaarrghhh....!!! This really brings back bad bad memory! I know exactly how you feel when you walked in that door......

[MsMartha]

Thanks again for the support.

Yes he called while I was trying to post. My laptop is so old that the letters skip (or he cursor moves my letters). Makes it difficult...urrggghh

 

He was supposed to take this weekend at some cabin to fish and fix on an old trucks ( I mean 1940's old). What they really do is drink the whole weekend. Beer, at 6 in the morning cause coffee was at 5:30 am kinda late but cool....So supposedly he stayed at the house. Because hes all broken up, and he realizes that he has a problem. Says he needs help. (I guess from me but I will suggest he try professional.) I think he's really sick. I think it's like gambling for him. The thought of getting caught. He used to be an avid gambler, but he quit or shall I say slowed down considerably. He won a lot of money for a long time and then lost a lot a once. Worked to put that money back and went right back to where e lost it the first time and lost it again. So he quit gambling. He quit smoking cigars. But he loves his beer(sorry about the rant).

 

Anyway he says to me on the phone, Yeah Can you come out here tomorrow and talk. i didn't take the trip because you weren't going. I just went to see the guys off, had a few beers and went home. I am building you a surprise so I stayed here all day working for you. I'm like whateva dude ..like building (well disking the land) me the garden space that I asked for in AUGUST for the fall planting. It's October now most plants have started coming up. What kind of surprise is that?

 

He wants to lock me up in that house out in the middle of nowhere while he goes to work sometimes at 6 am and sometimes at 7 sometimes at 10. When he could be doing whatever. I am supposed to stay home and make "pretty flowers" and talk about my potatos...

 

Forget that I have a career that takes time to build. Grant it I'm not on his level but I am way above the level he had at my age. I work!!

 

Why should I sit at home and clean everything,but Not clean everything( you now we live together and you are welcome to everything here, but don't touch my stuff... but it's his stuff I moved in to the little house while we build the "New House") Mostly, implied. He always says oh you don't have to clean in here I'll do it. I know where everything goes. (Too late dude I found the condoms in the office drawer!) And every two weeks or so a couple would disappear. I had him then, but wanted real proof! Who knew it would come like that. First I posted that I had no proof and two days later WHAM the real deal in my face. Its very NEW. Last Sunday it happened.

 

So yeah old and fresh at the same time since I've been seeing the signals for awhile. I had to catch him, it's the only way with him. Even now he begins to talk about his life and blah blah blah is what I hear. So tomorrow (Sunday) I will go and meet him to have a "cordial" discussion on whether or not we can finish the project without conflict. I said no conflict? Everyone will know then cause I always give you conflict at work. I hold him accountable for receipts and stuff.

 

Anyway, I am going to discuss that and Oh yeah that great Big Elephant in th room too. Since his call I feel better cause I "see" his game. It's like some code. Just like i have read on many of these posts I read. I see his mind spinning on every scenario as it happens and before. Just games. But I am different. I follow my heart. I lost my way for a few years but I found this book called "The Artist Way", and every since I listen to the senses that were given to me all six....lol ( no dead people)

I just don't know what I am going to do. How I will react. I have not seen him since Monday morning when I left (with all my things). Its so delicate this man is a real megalomaniac everything is about him. I see it more now. I made a list of all our "near misses" and "real incidents". I never made that list before. And I should have. But thanks to my journal I could figure some things out. I had enough to leave 5 months ago. First time in my life did I qualify or semi-qualify for "our own" house Man if they know they don't plan to be faithful, why not just date single women and don't get married/committed....

 

Be honest to the women and let them make a choice. There are lot's of single women looking for single men and/vice versa.Why get married/committed.

[MsMartha]

Sorry got carried away... My feelings I know are normal. I have had breakups , but this beats all. My heart actually hurts. Thanks to all the different threads and stories I've read, I have been able to remain stedfast.

 

But I am so weak in the knees. Don't want to go out.

But I am planning to anyway Bikeride in the parc with my sis!

But that's it. A long bath is calling my name. Strangly in need to hear Manu Chau...... Thanks again

[Lyssa]

MsMartha, don't apologise for ranting. A lot of people here would agree that it is therapeutic!

 

My heart actually hurts.

 

That I can relate to when I walked in on one of my ex-BFs few years. I caught him with his pants down. Actually, I caught him with totally nothing on him except for the girl . I can smile thinking about it now because a guy like that is not worth my time. I left straight away after and did not speak to him for 2 and half weeks. No matter what his explanation was, I wasn't interested in it. I didn't see the point because I just cannot see myself getting back together with him. I did what was best for me and it didn't take me long to get over him.

 

I do not know what else you would want to discuss with him (besides the project) but whatever questions you have, ask him and hope you will get the answers (although I doubt he'd be honest with you!) you are looking for.

 

Keep posting your thoughts, MsMartha. It truly helps!