Mom's Private Life

[her daughter]

My parents were married for almost 30 years and I knew they had some problems but never thought they'd get divorced. But then about 2 years ago my mother decided she wanted a divorce, but prior to filing for divorce she began talking to men online and going out. She finally got my dad to move out and begn seriously dating.

 

All of this still really bothers me, and I have been very up front with this with my mom. I told her that I want her to be happy and that I wouldn't stand in her way but I didn't want to hear about what was going on in her private life because it bothers me a lot. My father is terminally ill and still very much in love with my mom and seeing him in so much pain, emotionally and physically, while my mom is doing whatever she pleases, hurts me. And not only that, I don't want to think about my mom's sex life, I didn't want to know about it when she was married to my dad!!

 

Anyway, when she's dating a new guy, she disappears out of my life. I call her and leave messages and she:

 

a) doesn't return them;

 

b) calls and tells me how busy she is and she'll get back to me later (calls last about 2 minutes)

 

c) calls and tells me all about her current boyfriend and how they went here, and there, and she thinks this is the one...blahblahblah (calls last about 2 hours, all about her)

 

But when she and her latest flame break up, she calls me in tears and wants to discuss everything he said, everything she said, what happened, etc. and how depressed she is about their breakup.

 

We don't live in the same town, in fact we live about 200 miles from each other and so we don't get to visit all the time. With mother's day around the corner, I wanted to spend some time with her, maybe meet halfway for dinner or lunch or something. But she's too busy with her latest boyfriend and won't do anything with me. I haven't seen her in about 2 months, which is when she hooked up with her latest bf.

 

I don't want my mom to be alone, miserable and lonely. But it's difficult for me to hear about this kind of stuff, and I know I've made it abundantly clear to her my feelings on this.

 

What should I do? Advice?

[quankanne]

sounds like your mom is seeing your relationship with her as "girlfriends," not mother and daughter. Have you spoken with her about how you feel? That while you wish her happiness, there is such a thing as receiving too much information and that it makes you feel uncomfortable?

[Tony T]

To me, it seems your mother was emotionally neglected for a very long time. To not spend meaningful time with her mate of 30 years, even though they are divorced, while he is dying is rather puzzling. It sounds like she has a lot of built up anger and resentment in her for whatever your dad did or didn't do during their marriage and now she's wanting to make up for lost time.

 

You are her daughter and I'm sure she loves you a lot but right now you are a reminder of some bad times she had with your dad and spending time with you would be a roadblock to her making up for lost time. Perhaps at one time she was extremely kind and generous but over time was worn down by abuse and rejection and is now just wanting to look out for herself.

 

Whatever the reason, let your mom do what she wants. Go find the mother of a friend and celebrate mother's day with her. Send your mom a card and wish her great happiness.

 

This is eventually work out once your mother's issues are resolved.

 

Good luck!

[Carly]

What you are experiencing is the frustration of an adult child who can't get what she sould be getting from her own mother, because she (mother) is way too self-absorbed to care about others.

 

Unless your mother has expereinced some highly significant head trauma that could have altered her personality substantially, my guess is that your mother probably wasn't all that attentive to your needs as you were growing up either.

 

Here is a book I recommend to gain some insight into her problems, and the problems you suffer as her daughter. The book will also help you with strategies to move beyond your unrealistic hopes to either help her, or to ever get a normal mother.

 

The Narcissistic Family, by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman.

 

The book is written for therapists all well as affected family members. From your articulate and reasoned post I can tell that you have the intelligence and motivation to reap lots of personal growth from this insightful book.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Give your mother a quick unemotional call on Sunday to wish her a happy mother's day. You should do that because that is the normal civil thing to do and that is how you want to conduct your life, regardless of how she conducts hers.