Losing The Love Of My Life Is Unbearable

[stewh]

After reading some posts on this site I decided I needed some advice and should tell my problem to you guys for some feedback.

 

Up until the begining of April 2003 I had been going out with my ex for 9 years (10 in December). I was 17 when we got together and she was 15. Over the years we have been through thick and thin together and had many ups and downs like many other couples. We have always been the best of friends and I am very close to her family. I love her mum like my own and still see her often.

 

Two years ago we bought a house together and about a year ago I did something really dumb that hurt her badly. She found out that I had been talking to other girls on the Internet as if I was single! I honestly don't know why I did it and there is no excuse or reason as to why I should have done it. All I know is that nothing would have come of it. I would like to stress that I have NEVER cheated on her ever, she is the only girl I have been with and I am proud of that. Before this event she thought I idolised her (which I really do) and ever since she has been different because of the hurt I caused her.

 

At Christmas 2002 things seemed ok but not perfect, she seemed to have changed and during the early months of this year she began going out more with some new friends. She started to stay out late until the early hours of the morning and I began getting suspicious she was seeing someone else.

 

In a mad moment I threatened to put the house on the market, sell it and split up (biggest mistake of my life!). I expected her to say she didn't want to do this and that we could work things out -but she didn't!

 

I couldn't handle her staying out and as it got worse I decided to move back to my mums. Since being apart from her I have been able to search my heart and have realised that she is my soulmate and the girl I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I love everything about her including her faults. I have been able to acknowledge my own faults which were mainly that I became complacent and lazy towards her and our relationship. The comfort factor certainly kicked in.

 

She is now seeing someone else but she says that it is not serious. She won't tell me who he is or where he lives but she is quite happy to tell me that she has slept with him which makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I have tried everything to let her know that I have recognised my faults and that I love her with all my heart and would never make the same mistakes twice. But I know that she is scared we will just fall back into the same old routine. I just can't understand how after so long together she can move on with someone else so quickly when for me the thought of doing the same makes me feel sick because I know it won't be right not being with her.

 

The strange thing is that she texts me often telling me how much she loves me and how nice I have been to her over the years and that I will find someone nicer than her. This blows my head off because all I want is her for the rest of my life. She also wants us to remain friends and in contact. But I can't do this, not when it is not what I want. I have tried to break away from her and harden up like her family suggested and I have ignored her texts and telephone calls. She didn't like me ignoring her and told me so.

 

I can't lie to her. I love her so much and will always be there for her. As soon as the house is sold I will attempt to break contact with her completely to give her space and see if she comes back on her own accord.

 

You have to let the bird fly. If it comes back it was always yours if it doesn't it was never yours to begin with. Is this not true?

 

I admit this situation has torn me apart and hurt me but it has done me some good also. I am now back in touch with my feelings, I know what really makes you happy and that you have to keep working to keep the love and spark between you alive. I know now that you only have one life given to you and that if you love someone so much you need to savour every moment together.

 

I intend on waiting for her to see what happens and hope and prey she will return. I love her after all.

 

Any thoughts?

[Tony T]

My thoughts? This lady is a vengeful bxtch. You talked to some ladies on the Internet...and she goes out and starts screwing some guy??? Is this the kind of woman you want to be the mother of your children? One of your kids misbehaves and she strings up a rope on a tree in the backyard???

 

One of the qualities of a partner you want to have in your life is the ability to forgive. Oh yes, she is very hurt. But if she doesn't have the elasticity of thought and judgement to realize you are human and you make mistakes that you are sorry for, you will not be at peace all the days of your life with her.

 

The speed at which she went out and took up with another guy indicates hurt, vengeance, and the possibility that she had subconsciously been waiting for just the opportunity to do so. I say that because what she did was way out of proportion to the offense. Mature people who love each other do not retaliate for wrongdoing in such a fashion as she did.

 

I think you have expressed your sorrow and regret for the mistake you made, which incidentally many men and women make every single minute of every day on earth. Her response does not fit the offense.

 

This lady is still growing up...you met her at a very early and formative time in both of your lives. If you met her today, you might not have paid her much mind. You have grown to love her and have a close attachment to her. That doesn't make her the right person for you. Her recent reaction to your misbehavior is a very strong indicator she is not right for you and not on your side. While your transgression was very hurtful to her and she has a right to be angry, again....she has shown she is not committed to working things out with you.

 

Unfortunately, you will never, ever be able to forget she went out and slept with another guy and colorfully described that experience to get back at you. Is this really a lady you want by your side forevermore???

 

The reason she is texting you with words of love is that either she feels guilty for what she has done to you or she is wanting to torture you even more to get back at you. In any case, you need to cease contact.

 

Sell the house as soon as possible. Split the proceeds as agree and let her go. Right now you are overwhelmed with hurt, devastation, your stomach is tight and upset and you are wrought with depression and guilt. But once sufficient time passes, these feelings will turn to anger against the woman for the way she is acting.

 

Even though what you did was very wrong, I don't think it was unforgiveable. I don't think for a minute you were seriously looking for another girl on the Internet...and I don't even know you from Adam. If this girl couldn't see it that way, she didn't know you very well.

 

You had some great years with her. You were together longer than many people are married. Celebrate the good times. Now you are older, wiser, you've learned some lessons and you are far better qualified to make a better choice in a lifemate.

 

Forgive yourself, take some time to heal from this incident, and go forward. If this lady does make an attempt to get back with you, if I were you I would be terrified to reconcile with a woman who reacts so dramatically and radically to mistakes you make. Life is short and rough. You need somebody who is more understanding by your side.

[stewh]

Wow!

 

Tony that reply was not what I expected and was very sharp and to the point.

 

To be honest I was expecting something more along the lines of it beng my fault anyway because of what I did to her in the first place.

 

I agree with pretty much everything you say. Although I don't want to. Maybe I should reconsider the type of person I want to spend my life with. Like you say, at the moment I feel hurt, down, and lonely. And with me not being able to actually breakaway from her because of the house, frustrated with what is still going on between her and the new 'friend' as she calls him.

 

Maybe I should just accept that this is the end? It is easy to type and say but far more difficult to do.

 

It's so weird and brain draining. Life is full of shxt really.

 

Thanks for your reply, it was all really appreciated.

[midori]

Originally posted by stewh

. Before this event she thought I idolised her (which I really do) and ever since she has been different because of the hurt I caused her.

 

And this was important to her? To be idolized and worshipped? Personally I'd want to be liked and loved, not blindly adored.

 

I agree with Tony that her reaction to your transgression is way out of proportion. It sounds like she's trying to torment you, punish you from straying from the Cult of Her.

 

I'm not saying that what you did was OK. But in the larger scope of things it was pretty minor. If she can't forgive then why would you want to be with her? If the only way you and the relationship are acceptable to her is if everything is perfect and just the way she wants it, better to find that now than to realize only after kids are on the scene that you've got a controlling harpy on your hands.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

I agree with Tony and Midori, that her reaction to your actions speaks volumes about what kind of person she is. I can sort of relate to your situation though. I started dating my ex boyfriend when I was 16 and finally broke it off for good when I was 25. These are some things I realized about myself, after being in a relationship for 9 years since I was 16:

 

* I missed out on living an adolescence

* I was constantly wondering what it would be like to be with another guy

* I didn't have a chance to live and find out who I was

* I needed space in order to grow as a person

 

It's hard being in a relationship from that young on into adulthood. You miss out on a lot of things. I have a feeling she moved on so quickly to another guy because she wanted to know what it was like to be with someone else. I know that if I did end up marrying my ex, I would be miserable not having any other experiences and would constantly wonder what else was out there.

 

Some people will disagree with me and say that you don't need to experience others, but for me personally that was something I needed and maybe it was the same for your ex. It sounds to me like she needed to sow her wild oats. I know that after I broke up with my ex, I felt so free. I went out with my friends and partied hard for a whole year and a half. I needed that. To just be single and care free. I grew so much as a person and from dating different guys, I got an idea of what I wanted in a life mate. It is amazing what being single can do for you.

 

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It seems as though it will never stop, but it does. Over time you'll realize that it was the best thing for the both of you. I wish you much luck on this!

 

 

[/color]

[Carly]

Cast my vote with Tony, Midori and Leikela. They have articulated my sentiments exactly as I was reading your story.

 

Let her go.

 

Difficult on the heart, but a no- brainer nevertheless.

[Tony T]

As I was having lunch, I had a few additional thoughts on your situation.

 

I think your lady's exaggerated response to your Internet musings may be due to her lack of experience in interpersonal relationships. This doesn't change my advice but it may give you a better understanding of where she's coming from. Because she was ripped out of the cradle (age 15) and leaped into a nine year relationship with you, she was robbed of a very valuable socialization process which most young people go through as adolescents and you adults.

 

She did not date different people, did not have a lot of different experiences, and did not learn a lot about life and dealing with different circumstances. Her response to your talking to single ladies on the Internet was based on what she learned at a very young age, without the advantage of years and experience.

 

I think both of you are much better off as she goes out and gets a lot of the learning done that she missed out on. I think you should do the same. Date around and don't jump on the next train that stops at the station. Learn life, people and situations. You'll be the better for it and so will she.

 

When both of you emerge from all of this, you will be entirely different people. It's not likely you'll even know her, in the emotional sense, in a year or two.

 

I think this all happened for the best.

[stewh]

Thanks to all of you for your advice with this matter.

 

I just thought I would update you with the latest details.

 

I think things are going to be ok between us. She has been texting me nearly everyday since last Friday.

 

On Saturday night she text me and said that she had gone home early because she had been sick. Turned out she had eaten a dodgy chinese takeaway because the dog had some too and he was ill during the night.

 

I offered to keep her company and ended up spending the night looking after her, which was a good job because at one point I had to catch her because she passed out.

 

In the morning she couldn't stop saying how pleased she was to have had me there again and that she did love me still and missed me.

 

I didn't read into this too much at the time because she had been ill and I thought she may just be a bit emotional so I kept realistic about it that she might not mean any of it.

 

But last night she sent me some texts saying what a mess she had got her self into and that she wished she had never met this other lad.

 

I am supposed to be seeing her on Saturday and she has told me that she doesn't want me to let her down. Which I won't.

 

I am giving her space still by not seeing her until then and I don't intend on moving back into the house. I still want to sell it and I am going to rent some where on my own.

 

She did ask if she could move in with me but I have told her that all though I would love her to she needs to sort herself out first and this situation she has got herself into.

 

I love her more than ever and have been quite worried about her because I think everything is getting on top of her and she doesn't know how to get out of this mess.

 

I am glad that I kept being there for her and intend to carry on doing so. All I can say is that I think now the fun is starting to be normal again and I think she is begining to realise what she was about to chuck away.

 

If we do get back together then I know we will be both stronger and better from all of this. I certainly will. I will not become the person I did before and be complacent with her or our relationship. Life is far to short and I don't intend on wasting the best years with her.

 

I feel a lot better this week in myself and you were all right time does heal. But I think that is only because you begin to forget all the little details between you.

 

Anyway heres hoping things do turn out ok,

 

Cheers

[daisywindmill]

Those of you that have read my previous posts will see that I had a problem with my fella and the internet. However, I have decided to give him a chance because I really do believe that he did it during the early stages of our relationship because he was unsure of me and how things would develop between us. I am sure that he knows he made a dreadful mistake and I am willing to take that gamble on him. I would never have behaved as Stew's girlfriend did, that really did seem over the top, but I do wish you the best of luck. It's all about being mature enough to forgive, but on the other hand, that does not give people the excuse to behave as they wish, knowing you will forgive time and time again. At the end of the day, it all boils down to being happy in the relationship and if you aren't then maybe it's time to let go, hard as that may be.

[NEONINK]

he said: I am supposed to be seeing her on Saturday and she has told me that she doesn't want me to let her down. Which I won't."

 

She tells him, don't let me down. This tells me everything. Just don't treat her too much like the Princess she may be training for.

 

Yes, interpersonal skills may not have been developed. I'm almost 40, and still learning them because I hooked up at 16 until 29.

 

I think early relationships may be examples of co-dependency. One party will either take everything, while the other gives everything.

 

But good luck, it doesn't mean you couldn't last another 60 years. Your chance is as good as mine.

[stewh]

Actually forget my previous post people.

 

I don't think things will be ok between us just yet and I think she is playing games with my head.

 

I spoke to her on Tuesday night and this time the way she was with me was quite distant and sharp.

 

Not the same as when I had been looking after her at the weekend anyway.

 

I am still going round tomorrow to sort out some house stuff and begin clearing things out.

 

I don't know where I stand with her to be honest. She kept telling me she loved me still and missed me at the weekend through to tuesday and last night she even rang me to ask if she could borrow my car for a bit. Which I did let her do because I just want her back so badly that I can't say no.

 

But she is still seeing this other lad and when I try to talk about us giving things another go I just get told that she needs to move back to her mums and work things out.

 

Which I can understand and think is the best thing for her.

 

But why is she keeping in touch with me like she is? Can she not completely cut me out of her life? I don't know what to think. I wish the house would sell quickly so that then she has no excuse to keep in touch with me. Then it would be interesting to see if she still does.

 

I went to see her mum on Wednesday night and she can't believe how cruel she is being towards me and that she should make up her mind and be with one or the other.

 

She told me she is being exactly like her dad was to her mum when he left her. He would go round and apparantly rub it in that he was going out with someone else. I never thought my ex would turn into a replica of her dad, she always told me she hated what he did.

 

Her mum thinks that this is all to do with money and being part of a different lifestyle to what she is normally used to which I think is sad but totally agree with her.

 

She seems so messed up I don't know what to do with her.

 

I love her so much and care about her. As I said before after 9 years together I can't get over this in a hurry.

 

Do you think she really does still have feelings for me?

 

Do you think that she doesn't want to let me go completely yet because once she moves back to her mums she may realise she wants to be with me?

 

Should I just be a friend to her until the house is sold and then cut her off and see if she keeps in touch?

 

She says that she wants to remain in contact with me and that it is her choice to do so even though I told her that if things got more serious with the new lad he would not like me still sniffing around. Do you think this is true? Is she still wanting to keep a bridge between us in case she changes her mind?

 

She is very complex at the moment and my head is spinning but I still love more than anything and miss her deeply.

 

I could still smell her in my car this morning which was lovely.

 

Splitting up and not knowing what the future will hold, if you will ever get back together, or if you need to move on is the worst feeling in the world.

 

I still want to be with her for the rest of my life and have no plans on trying to replace her.

 

I am sure this will continue.............................................

[midori]

I think that this girl gets perverse pleasure in jerking you around. She probably does have some inner conflict, probably does have some lingering affection for you. But she lacks any shred of empathy or consideration for your feelings; she lacks consistency and integrity (read: don't string someone along when you've already made other plans), and as was observed earlier, she seems to have immature expectations of how you ought to treat her.

 

You're not allowed one minor -- stupid, but minor -- mistake, but it's OK for her to be with someone else and rubbing your face in it?

 

Two questions:

1. why would you want to be with someone like that at all?

2. given that the heart is a contrary thing that goes against common sense, why has your brain still not been moved to override your heart on this one, given the wealth of evidence that this girl is taking you for a ride? Assemble the facts -- her behavior, the precedent set by her father, her bizarre expectations -- and you've got a big mess.

 

I stupidly spilled bleach on my favorite sweater a few weeks ago. It was a lovely pale green sweater that always looked nice on me. I made some frantic efforts to salvage it but there was no denying it was ruined. I'm loathe to throw things away if I can still get some use out of them, so I thought about trying to re-dye it, or keep it just to wear around the house. I was so upset at having ruined my favorite sweater. But I don't have a lot of storage space, re-dying it wouldn't have worked well, and everytime I looked at it I'd be reminded of how stupid I'd been... so I threw it out. And as luck would have it I found an even NICER pale green sweater the next week, on sale.

 

I know your ex isn't a sweater, I know it's much bigger and more complicated than that. But it's in essence the same thing: the relationship is ruined. You can put yourself through the agony of trying to salvage it, but all signs indicate that it's beyond repair. She isn't going to let you go -- why should she? You've got to be the one to say goodbye. Cut all ties. Heal from this. And find something better.

 

Good luck

[Carly]

I guess it is easier to let go once your heart is changed, and it very difficult to let go if your heart is still in it. Sounds like hope springs eternal in your heart, and that is why you are hanging on.

 

I suggest that you read a monumental book on the defining characteristics of realtionships that are doomed to fail, or succeed. The book is based on decades of videotpes, interviews, questionnaire, etc., of hundreds and hundreds of couples.

Research was conducted by psychologist John Gottman, who spent most of his career looking for common patterns in doomed vs. successful relationships.

 

The highly predictable patterns of doom are: criticism, deffensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

 

Gottman noticed that all relationships have good and bad. How much good is needed to stay emotionally or physically attached to one another over the years? He found that a relationship needs about FIVE TIMES more good than bad.

 

Gottman also found that 94% of marriages that started off with a shaky marriage proposal ended in divorce -- because the beginnings so often forshadow what is to come.

 

Just as important, Gottman observed what DOES work in relationships -- i.e., patterns of communication, trust, and warmth. Yes, Gottman says, successful couples DO fight. But the trusting bond between them is not breeched with contempt, emotional or physical abandonment, etc.

 

Please read Gottman's little paperback:

 

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (1994).

 

A few years ago he rewrote it altogether and it become a national bestseller (new title?!). I haven't read it. I can only say reading his first book (above) will bring clarity -- of mind, heart and soul. It is this clarity that will start to bring you closure.

 

Good luck.

[Duddyroar]

While everyone has offered sound advice, it's very easy to say 'forget about her' when you're not the one who is caught up in this. You have to remember that Stew has been with this girl for the best part of a decade and although it would be wrong to say he is 'dependant' on her, the ties and links formed during that time will be strong. You must also remember that plenty of couples have split up and then gotten back together after 'flings' to lead perfectly happy lives.

 

I read the situation like this: She is not completely cut herself off from Stew as yet. She keeps coming back. She keeps telling him things like 'I love you' and 'I'm glad you're here'. Maybe she's trying to have her cake and eat it. She wants to experience new things, but doesn't want to cut herself off from the past completely. She's using Stew to keep herself anchored to the past, a past that she's not ready to get rid of just yet.

 

Like Stew says, when the house is sold and she has no reason to get in touch with him, that's when she'll show her true colours. Hopefully by that point she'll have made the right choice or Stew will have gotten over her.

[julieg]

i was once the girl that stew is talking about. i asked my boyfriend at the time if we could please "just" date others and not get emotionally involved with anyone else. i loved my boyfriend at the time so so much --we had been together for 4 years i was 16 at the beginnging and 20 at the end. he said no it wouldn't be fair to the other person. what i really wanted was just to have some fun. had he said yes, we might have ended up together---just a thought 20 years later!

[stewh]

Does anyone have any idea on a percentage of how many couples split up and go on to someone else and then end up getting back together and spending the rest of there lives together?

 

Do you think that with girls they try and block there true feelings out at first and then over time begin to remember and realise what they have lost?

 

I mean, when your a first love and been together for so long and been through so much together surely they must begin to look back and think about what they gave up.

 

Why do women get so easily impressed or mesmorized by money and lifestyles?

 

Midori my brain is now beginning to take over from my heart. And after what she has done to me now I will more than likely never want her back. She knew me better than anyone and how I have felt over the past 10 years since my brother and father died and I never thought she would ever treat me this way.

 

The sad thing is that now I will never let myself get too close to a girl again in defence of being hurt. I will also probably never trust them like I did in the past.

 

All I wanted was to settle down and get married and start a family and she has destroyed all of that for me.

 

When I see her still I am being as nice as I possibly can be. This is because I think she really wants me to hate her so that it will make things easier for her. But I am not going to make it that easy for her. Why should I. As soon as the house is sold I will cut myself off from her completely but I will have left the thoughts in her head about how nice I had been to her over this even though she has rubbed everything in my face. I think she will always remember that.

[Dazza]

Stewh, never say never, those amaizing females out there have a way of getting back in.

One thing that you would have learnt though, is only to let the right one in.

Sometimes we need to be hurt, to make us realise what we want.

I did the marrage thing, met her when she was 17, waited 4years and lived together for 3 before deciding to tie the knot, and then whadda know, after 8 years we seperate.

And I thought everything was OK!

I realised later that we were comfortable with each other, but not truly in love.

 

I havn't looked back since. Yes I am dissapointed, I never believed that I would be where I am now, but I look forward to the future.

There are some amaizing females out there, some bitches too, but they seem to be a minority.

Be careful with your heart, but don't block everyone out.

As most will tell you, give it some time.

You are doing great, good for you for learning about yourself. You should always be learning, it makes life enjoyable.

She knows what she has lost, and remember that, she lost, not you.

Good luck, stay in control and go kick some butts!!!!!

 

Daryl.

[stewh]

Cheers Daryl,

 

Your positive vibes are just what I need right now.

[Dazza]

no probs, I always look for the positive in any situation, it really helps.

You would be amaized how good you can make someone feel just by giving out positive vibes, I have a mate who I have known since primary school, although he lives over the other side of the country, we call each week and if one of us is feeling down, the other just somehow manages to "give them a pump up" and all of a sudden, the world doesn't seem that bad.

I'll even have a beer for ya just now! 'cause I'm feelin' good.

 

Cheers mate,

Daryl.

[Miserable]

Why does it seem like when the one who had the affair doesn't want their significant other back anymore, their SO will be begging and waiting for them to come back. But in the case where the adultress KNOWs their mistakes and TRULY repents and want their SO back, it's a futile effort?

 

Why oh why?

[midori]

Originally posted by stewh

When I see her still I am being as nice as I possibly can be. This is because I think she really wants me to hate her so that it will make things easier for her. But I am not going to make it that easy for her. Why should I. As soon as the house is sold I will cut myself off from her completely but I will have left the thoughts in her head about how nice I had been to her over this even though she has rubbed everything in my face. I think she will always remember that.

 

Ah yes, that's a time-honored technique among people who are doing things without knowing why, who are unable to face the people they hurt: be so awful that they will have no choice but to lash back in self-defense. At which point you can accuse them of being bitter, unreasonable, etc.

 

My ex did that to me. Did a lot of the things your ex is doing right now. It took me a looonnnggg time to get over. Still smarts actually. He knew me better than anyone -- or so I thought. My head and heart wrestled for months and months. But I finally realized that my heart had not been happy with him. Even when we were together I had to tiptoe lest he take something I said the wrong way. He was impatient, utterly lacking in empathy, completely self-absorbed. Now why was my heart clinging to him?

 

In part, I've learned because it wasn't just him that I loved. It was the things he represented to me. We met when I was struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was working in a job that bored me; he, passionate about his work, inspired me to find the path I really wanted to be on. He's very successful in his work and his career is gaining momentum. He's an exciting, worldly person. I got to travel with him, and we often stayed in posh hotels, went to nice restaurants ... who wouldn't love that?

 

But I do not require him for excitement, travel, or going out to dinner occasionally. True, I'm in grad school and can't afford the kind of stuff that I enjoyed while with my ex. But I can have tastes still, on my own steam. And what he lacks by far outweighs those little pluses.

 

I'll bet that you'll find that it's not just your ex that your heart misses, but the things that she represents to you. And hey, don't forget about companionship. I'm still single since breaking up with my ex (have dated a bit but nothing has gelled yet). So of course I associate him with having someone to share things with, etc. There are a lot of things that have nothing to do with the person themselves that are embedded in a relationship. It's important to separate them from the person. You may find that your ex is a lot less appealing once you do.

 

Daryl is right of course. You can get through this and you will. The worst thing you could do to yourself is perpetuate your ex's cruelty in your life by allowing it to shape your view of women generally. It's all recent and you're still not extricated from her completely (the house, etc.), so perhaps it's too soon to think about finding someone new (and better). But you will.

 

take care

[Dazza]

Why does it seem like when the one who had the affair doesn't want their significant other back anymore, their SO will be begging and waiting for them to come back. But in the case where the adultress KNOWs their mistakes and TRULY repents and want their SO back, it's a futile effort?

 

 

And the answer is.......

Sometimes you are blinded buy love, hurt and emotions.

Sometimes you are not.

 

If the love is true, it will work out, if it is not, it never would have worked out anyway.

Believe in fate........everything happpens for a reason.

 

Is that a good enough answer without answering ?

 

Daz

[stewh]

To continue the story................

 

On Monday night I got a phone call from my ex who seemed to be in quite an upset state.

 

I offered to go round and talk to her, which she agreed to.

 

She is in such a mess with everything at the moment.

 

We talked about how I had hurt her initially with the Internet stunt and how she had spent many a night crying about it afterwards.

 

She also said how she felt like she was in a dream and that when she woke up everything would just be back to how it was before any of this happened.

 

She says she loves everything about me and that I have been brilliant overall to her over the years. I am apparantly the only person she can really talk to because I know her better than anyone and what she really thinks. This is true and what I have been trying to tell her for ages.

 

She told me about the new chap in her life. How he has a great personality, everything going for him, nice parents and family. She told me that she has been trying to make him not like her because she feels she is not good enough for him. And telling him that he can do much better than her. I told her that that would just make it more of challenge for him and make him persue her even more, its true isn't it?

 

I mean, to be honest they come from two different classes. And it's no wonder he is after her because she is so easily impressed with everything he has.

 

I don't know what I am doing. Because I care about her so much I was actually supporting her by telling her that she is good enough for him, and that he is the best thing to have come along for her in ages!

 

What am I saying? I want her to be back with me!

 

She says that she will never let him meet her parents because basically she is embarrassed of them compared to what he has. I think that is awful. And I also think it is a completely bad way to be in a relationship.

 

I have a list of items that I think about this relationship I would like you to read and tell me if you agree with them.

 

1) She wants to keep in contact with me. Tells me her problems because I am the only one she can really confide in and discuss things with. I mean should she not be developing this with her new chap so that he understands her better? If she doesn't how will they relationship grow?

 

2) She doesn't want him to meet her family because she is embarrassed they are not up to his familys class of living. Surely this can't last because anyone who cuts there family out of there lives due to a relationship eventually begins miss them and resent that relationship?

 

3) He is from a higher class of society that she was not born or brought up in. I think she will feel alienated by this especially if she cuts off her family like she is doing.

 

4) She still must have feelings for me because she keeps saying how much she loves me and misses me. I even slept round again Monday and we hugged and cuddled each other all night.

 

Reasons why it may work:

 

1) He has a "really nice" personality, nice car, nice home, nice family, money.

 

2) She loves the lifestyle that he gives her.

 

3) I don't know anymore reasons because I unfortunately don't know much about him apart from what she tells me.

 

On the whole although everything is exciting now I can't see this lasting. I think she will end up being depressed at trying to fit into something she was not initially used to.

 

I love her more and care about her more whilst we are apart. I do worry about her. Am I doing the right thing by being friendly and supporting her by telling her everything will be ok and to just enjoy herself.

 

Or should I be saying to her well if your still so confused then maybe you should cool things with him and sort things out in your head.

 

Thanks.

[midori]

Originally posted by stewh

 

1) She wants to keep in contact with me. Tells me her problems because I am the only one she can really confide in and discuss things with. I mean should she not be developing this with her new chap so that he understands her better? If she doesn't how will they relationship grow?

 

She's using you. not necessarily because she can't talk to him about things, but because you're a good backup, and a good person to bolster her confidence as she goes after someone who is on the surface "out of her league."

 

2) She doesn't want him to meet her family because she is embarrassed they are not up to his familys class of living. Surely this can't last because anyone who cuts there family out of there lives due to a relationship eventually begins miss them and resent that relationship?

 

hasn't been that long, and if their relationship progresses and she feels more confident with him that may well change.

 

3) He is from a higher class of society that she was not born or brought up in. I think she will feel alienated by this especially if she cuts off her family like she is doing.

 

Or this may be a big appeal for her. I know the class system in the UK embodies a lot more than how much money one has, and that assimilating into a higher class than one was raised can be difficult. But not impossible, and if this is something she always secretly wanted then it won't be alienating at all.

 

4) She still must have feelings for me because she keeps saying how much she loves me and misses me. I even slept round again Monday and we hugged and cuddled each other all night.

 

I'm sorry but I think she's using you with very little thought to how it affects you. She still clings to the superficial "it's all your fault this started, I was so hurt blah blah blah . .. and then has the nerve to imagine that you want to hear about her new relationship! I mean, you back that up by coming over and listening. But she is not showing any signs of loving you. She's showing signs of immaturity, self-absorption and lack of empathy. Just because she keeps you around doesn't mean she gives a damn.

 

Reasons why it may work:

 

1) He has a "really nice" personality, nice car, nice home, nice family, money.

 

Those are all good reasons to want to be with him.

 

2) She loves the lifestyle that he gives her.

 

Of course she does.

 

 

I'm sorry stewh, but I think you're kidding yourself by thinking you can figure out whether or not the relationship is going to last. Moreover, I think you're kidding AND punishing yourself by sticking around, believing she's still in love with you and that this is just an anomolous glitch.

 

She is with someone else! How does that indicate that she loves you.

 

Maybe you're getting tripped up by the idea that this is all your fault; if you had never chatted to those women online this would never have happened. I don't know about that. It was a silly, selfish, and slightly deceitful thing to do, but it hardly merited what has followed. I think it was an opportunity, one that she had been waiting for (perhaps unconsciously), to get out of the relationship. It's hard to end a "good thing" even if that good thing doesn't inspire or feel right anymore. It's hard to be brave and say, "honey I know we own a house together and have been together for ages but I think it's time to end things because I'm restless and dissatisfied." It's much easier to go ballistic over a misdeed and hysterically destroy everything and blame the other person. Don't have to take responsibility that way.

 

For all you know, this new guy embodies all of the things she had secretly wanted for herself. She might have decided that such things were unrealistic, but as time went by perhaps she found herself unable to ignore how badly she wanted them. She's unlikely to have them with you, isn't she?

 

Friends, lovers, etc. -- anyone you're in a relationship with -- play multiple roles. There is the fundamental dynamic between the two of you, common interests, affection, etc. But people also represent more external things. For example, my best friend of nearly 15 years is a wonderful person. She and I have a very easy, sympathetic rapport, similar senses of humor, like the same movies, both like to make a big deal out of planning and eating excellent meals. That's why we're friends. But she's also, to me, a sophisticated, glamorous person, slightly more worldly than I (although perhaps that has changed over the years) ... in short, she's someone I admire, and feel enriched by. She works in a field that I know little about, but am simlutaneously intrigued and repulsed by (contemporary art), so she's kind of a gateway into that world for me. And I value that aspect of our friendship.

 

Do you see what I mean? You can have a nice, easy relationship with someone, but if they're looking to broaden their horizons somehow and you don't represent anything interesting or intriguing then you're not going to be as appealing. Your ex might very much like the image of herself that she has with this new guy, as well as liking him as a person. That's a powerful combination, and you shouldn't assume that it will all come to nought in the end.

 

I know that you love her. I know that you were with her for so long that it's hard to imagine your life without her. But I think it would be to your benefit to try, instead of trying to forecast whether or not things with the new guy will work out. She is not being kind to you. Whether or not things with the new guy work out, she may well not be a good person to be involved with. She might not WANT to be with you even if things with him don't work out.

 

One thing that really helped me get over my ex was discovering the "external" things that he had represented to me. You might want to think about that. Perhaps, for example, you really value comfort and security, and you associate those things with her. She's certainly not providing them now, she's not likely to provide them in the future, and she's not the only option you have to obtaining comfort and security. That's just an example, I'm sure she represented other things to you as well.

 

I know this must be an incredibly difficult time but I just don't see how being her reliable, cuddly "buddy" is helping you at all. It's implicitly confirming to her that she can be selfish and callous toward you and you'll still be there -- is that what you want to convey? It's also causing you further grief, and allowing you to nurture hope that at this point seems to be rather unrealistic.

 

She doesn't sound like a good bet. With or without the new guy.

[Tony T]

midori has it right down to the atoms!!! WOW!!! I've been right there before and midori's post is exceptionally insightful. Pay attention to her every word.

 

You are at the dead end. You can either sit there and wait forever or you can make a U-turn and go in another direction. I'd say you're beating a dead horse but that's sort of trite.