Losing The Love Of My Life Is Unbearable

[stewh]

It is difficult, I wish someone would slap me round the face a few times and pour ice cold water on me.

[Dazza]

Stewh, the answer is obvious, you know that, Midori is spot on.

 

The tricky part is convincing your heart that.

When I read what your ex said to you, it bought back memories of my ex-g/f.

I was there for her, she needed me, all that stuff. All it did was hurt me more.

 

One thing that your ex isnt considering is how all of this is effecting you. If she really cared about you she wouldn't be doing what she is doing.

She probably loves you, probably needs the re-assurance that you are there for her, for when she feels not so close to him.

Think about all the good times she must be having, do you think she thinks/considers how it may be affecting you?

 

I would like to say, get rid of her, but I couldn't with mine. I did go out and meet other girls though, and that totaly fixed me up. I realised that there are lots of fantastic people out there, just waiting to meet someone as good as me.

 

One of the more famous comments my ex made was: "I just want him to treat me like you did, you treated me like a princess"

 

To that I replied, "he is not me, never will be, you made the decision, that is life"

To coin a familiar saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"

She wanted to keep me, but also have a new guy in her life.

 

Over time I "weened" myself off her, I still care and do still love her, we shared some pretty close stuff together, but now I don't think about her much at all. I know what she lost. One day she will also.

Keep looking forward, be strong, keep on thinking about why she is calling you, her new guy should be taking all this on, not you.

You'll be OK, it's hard but you are definatly moving forward, it just takes time.

All of us that read and can relate know how it feels, but we also know that you will move forward.

 

Daryl.

[stewh]

Daryl,

 

As ever you are spot on mate. Today I am having a strong day.

 

Its strange, I have been thinking about the way she is treating me. And I think to myself that really I will never want to let her back into my life and possibly do the same to me again.

 

But then I also think about how weak I am and that if she did come back I would more than likely say yes. However, things are definately different after all this. And to be honest I don't think things would work out even if we did get back together.

 

I have been thinking about how nice it would be to meet someone new (hopefully better). But I know that at the moment and probably for the rest of this year I am not going to be in a fit state to make a good decision on someone. Plus it would not be fair on the other person anyway.

 

I think I am just going to be on my own and enjoy being with my friends who have been brilliant to me through all of this.

 

I hope in time her feelings do come out as she has time to reflect on how she has treated me. I never deserved this totally. Not after everything we had been through together. I hope she does regret what she gave up and that things don't turn out so rosy with her new fella as she first must have thought they would.

 

I know that for me by then I will be further along the way to recovery than she and be able to look at her and think "yes, you felly f***ed up that one."

 

Cheers,

 

Stew

[julieg]

you are one the right track stewh. you have to keep yourself very busy, pour yourself into your passions/work. one day what WILL HAPPEN after you are very successful and content, she will look back on what might have been.

 

i broke up with a guy just like you--totally devoted to me . it really gets to me now 15 years later to see him successful and living life to the fullest. when i left him, never in my wildest dreams would i have imagined him to have become so successful. i have spent so many hours/days/weeks/months just tormenting myself since learning about his transformation.

 

but do it for yourself and your ultimate path in life/family. forget about her little by little take it day by day. remember there are no sorrows in life they are mearly events that get us to our final goal. feelers experience tradgedy and thinkers experience growth and opportunity. i know how hard it is right now but try to think instead of feel!

 

i read somewhere that one true love is really an illusion fueled by the film and romance novel industry. with the billions of romantic posibilities in this world there have to be tons of "potential loves of our lives" out there.

[stewh]

Julie would you have tormented yourself and thought about what might have been if your ex was just content and not as successfull as he turned out??

 

If not then you sound like a prime example of how many women seem to find money, status and success more important qualities than those of say love, happiness, loyalty.

[midori]

Stewh, I know that Julie's advice was meant to help you see that you don't have to be stuck in misery just because your gf has ended the relationship, but I think it would be a mistake for you to focus your efforts on making your ex regret the break-up. Of course it's nice to think about someone who has hurt you living to regret their actions, but if that becomes your guiding motive in life you will not be doing yourself any favors.

 

As long as you're focused on her present behavior toward you, or her possible reactions in the future, you're robbing yourself of your own life and recovery from the break-up.

 

I see that you created another post asking women about whether or not they got back together with their boyfriends, and again I think that this is ultimately not going to be helpful for you. There are no patterns from other people's love lives that you can discern and apply to your own.

 

BELIEVE ME, I know how hard it is to let go of a relationship that meant the world. I know the pain of rejection, of a callous partner who acts without thought or consideration, who cannot explain what's going on, who sends mixed signals. Those things are signs that such a person is NOT a good partner, is NOT someone to focus on.

 

I get the sense that you're desperately seeking for a magic answer, for someone to tell you "don't worry, just do a, b, and c and wait two weeks and then you'll have your gf back." That's just not going to happen. You're not that formulaic, nor is your ex, nor was your relationship. No one is.

 

You can't change her direction. You can change your own. It's over and there isn't an answer at the moment that's going to satisfy you. I'm sorry about that and I know how hard it is to bear. But the longer you dwell, the longer you prolong your agony.

 

I feel for you Stewh, I really do. And I have been where you are. That's why I'm advising strongly that you stop trying to predict your ex's future, and instead focus on your present: distracting yourself, taking yourself in new directions, and putting this behind you.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

Great advice in midori's post above. It doesn't get any better!!!

[stewh]

Thankyou Midori,

 

You are right again.

 

I have been trying to see from other peoples stories how these situations usually end. But I can assure you that today I feel a lot better about things and am trying to focus my mind on myself.

 

I had a good bank holiday weekend Midori. I spent a lot of time with my friends, relaxed and simply enjoyed myself.

 

I think I am going to be alright being on my own. I don't have any interest in getting into another relationship or to be honest having flings as they are not what I have ever been into.

 

But I am feeling a lot better. I can't change the path my ex has decided to take. Only she can do that if she wants to. Time will tell whether we were meant to be together again. But to be honest half of me would take her back without a thought whilst half of me says hold it bro are you sure you want to risk another upset because of this girl.

 

I know there are plenty of other girls out there and interesting people to meet.

 

I am going to take my time and hopefully one day when everything feels right meet a girl who will be ready to settle down and start a family with

 

Anyway I have plenty of snowboarding to look forward to this year.

 

Thanks Midori

[Dazza]

Stew, if ya get bored, jump on a plane and come to Aussie land and we'll have some fun running wild in town!!!

 

Gotta love being single at the moment! Having a ball.

See, I'm living proof that things get better!

Cheers fella,

Daz.

 

[flower]

Stewh, I do feel sorry that you have met such a lady. Time is precious. Do other things such as go on a travel trip to places that you have always dream of going or pick up a hobby. Greek Island hopping is one great choice personally. Midori has analysed your situation well enough so your happiness is in your own hands.

[stewh]

I think I may try some Greek island hopping Flower

[stewh]

Just to give you guys a bit of an update on the situation.

 

It has now been two months since my ex and I broke up and she started seeing someone else.

 

During this time I have never felt so s**t in all my life from the gut wrenching hurt and emotional impact this had on me.

 

I am pleased to say that over the past couple of weeks I have begun to feel LOTS better. Time does heal like you all told me it would to begin with. Don't get me wrong I am still in love with my ex and if I listened to my heart I would be back with her tomorrow if the opportunity arose. But now my brain is back to 100% sanity and I do see things differently and will not subject myself to the risk of being put in the same hurtfull situation again easily.

 

I must say I am actually enjoying being single at the moment. I go out on my bike when I want, finish work late when I want, sleep when I want, and go out with my friends when I want.

 

I also feel a lot better because now I know more about the lad my ex is seeing and I am confident that things are not as impressive as they first seemed when my ex nicely informed me about his positive attributes. The girl is simply obsessed with money and admitted that this relationship was money related and I think this craving is now begining to fade.

 

She sent me this text on Monday night:

 

"I really do love u still and i know what my heart wants and i want u. 2 marry and have a baby with. I just need 2 get out of what im in."

 

This really confused me. It is exactly what I want to hear from her. So why can't she break things off with this new guy? Why is it so difficult for her to get out of what ever she is in? She has only been with him for two months, surely it would be better to finish things sooner rather than later if she really does feel the way she says she does.

 

People say that you will meet someone when you are not looking, and last Friday this happened to me. I was out in town at a bar and my mate said to me one of us had pulled. I was driving everyone so was stone sober and looking bored. I couldn't believe it when he told me this girl was gagging for me. I even laughed at him. I went over and spoke to the girl and she is a bit older than me, recently divorced, and nothing like my ex. I wasn't really attracted to her either to be honest, but I think this may be because I am so messed up at the moment. Anyway she left me her number and I have been in touch and decided to take her out for a drink. I thought sod it, she is nothing like my ex but maybe that is a good thing and we may get on really well.

 

I don't know what is going on with things at the moment. I don't know whether my ex is coming around to wanting me back seriously. I don't know whether to tell her to get lost and try going out with this new girl. I don't know whether to stay single and just enjoy myself.

 

All I do know is that I wish the house was bloody sold quickly so that things could easily go one way or the other.

[NEONINK]

That's good news! At least have a good time with this new person. You and she both may need to laugh, if she's been through a divorce, she could use nice night out also.

 

Laugh at what loser's your ex's are. Laugh at how far you've come. Laugh at what a great heart you have. And most importantly know you are capable of a good, steady relationship with someone. Something your ex's may not be capable of.

[midori]

very interesting, stewh

 

I absolutely agree that going out with the new woman will be a good thing, regardless of what comes of it. Maybe you'll just find yourself with a great new friend. No need to push it too soon.

 

As for your ex, what gall. What utter gall. I know you're still in love with her, but who the ____ does the chick think she is? How dare she foist her lingering emotions upon you when she's still with someone else?

 

She's just trying to make sure you're still in her orbit.

 

The best thing you can do for sure is blow her off. Don't try to figure out what she's about. Who cares -- whatever it is, it's sure to be self-serving. So why bother wasting your time? I know, I know -- because you still want her back. Is that because you want HER back (selfish, callous, gold-digging, passive-aggressive)? Or is it because you want her to realize how wrong she was to reject you?

 

Blowing her off will be good first and foremost because it will afford you some distance and it will cut some of those strings that she's able to jerk on whenever she pleases. It will also be good to give her a bit of a wake up call: guess what honey, you're not so fabulous that I'm just going to sit around waiting for you to text or call.

 

By no means should you tell her that you're going on dates with other women. Even if something romantic starts with the other woman. As tempting as it would be to tell your ex, to jolt her and/or to get a bit of your own back, in the long run it will be far better to provide no information to her one way or the other. She needs to not be so central to your life. She shouldn't be privy to everything you've got going on.

 

Moreover, she'd undoubtedly try to pull you back toward her a bit harder if she knew that there was some competition on the field. Not that she'd come back to you, but you'd find yourself bombarded with more mixed messages. She's not letting go of you -- because she's selfish and manipulative, not because she cares about your well-being. Telling her anything about your current life will just result in more confusion and pain for you.

 

Good luck with the new woman, and any others you meet. Go for it. And stop reading the ex's texts. It would be great if you could change your # ...

[daisywindmill]

Stew, I think you are doing incredibly well. It's amazing how we can allow ourselves to get so screwed up by another person's actions and it's important to keep remembering what you are worth and hold on to your self respect.

 

Not sure if you have read any of my previous postings, but my fella was chatting/emailing women on the internet too.

 

I have forgive him because I love him and I think everyone deserves a second chance. We all make mistakes and if we turned our back at the first one made we would all be lonely and without compassion.

 

I would really really like to ask you something however. Please, if you would rather now answer do say so, but I am intrigued, due to past experience.

 

If you loved your ex so much, had a life with her, and were commited to her, why did you have contact with other women via the net?

 

This is a genuine question asked out of curiosity, not to have a pop at you at all

 

It would be great if you could tell me the answer but I will respect your decision should you not wish to.

 

Thanks and all the best.

[daisywindmill]

Not got the hang of making myself colourful yet!!!!! Soz hehehe

[Dazza]

Hey Stew, welcome to my world.

If you and I both wrote a book about our situations it would read the same.

I'll be a prophet for a second.....just when you think you are getting over your ex, she will magically appear, and say something that will send you in a spiral back into confusion.

 

I would love to know why, when us males finally decide to accept what is and move on, how you girls suddenly poke your heads back in saying" hey don't forget about me"

 

Stew, the best advise I can give you is that over the next few months the hurt part will go, the questions will remain, but it wont bring you down, and you will keep on moving forward.

 

I had just started thinking about a couple of chicks I'd been interested in, and thought hmmm, maybe I will give it a go, when my ex calls, and spends the next 3 hrs talking to me about everything.

They are bloody amaizing, how do they know? does this happen because you are ment to be together?, I guess only time will tell.

The only way I can see closure is if someone walks into my life and blows me away, like my ex did, or I end up with my ex.

 

FYI, the only reason I am not with my ex is due to the fact she needed to move interstate to be with her family, I knew that and helped her move, so we still care a lot about each other.

 

See Stew, it' s a crazy world. Just make sure you keep on learning, everything happens for a reason.

Sorry about the long speil, just felt like having a chat.

 

Go out and have fun, you don't need to get into a relationship, but meet lots of girls, they have a way of making you feel great.

 

Daz.

[midori]

Originally posted by Dazza

I would love to know why, when us males finally decide to accept what is and move on, how you girls suddenly poke your heads back in saying" hey don't forget about me"

 

 

Ah, but some of you men are just as good at doing that. Speaking from personal experience.

 

I think that people like stewh's ex, and yours, Dazza, have an implicit sense of whether or not someone is moving out of their sphere of influence. I call it being in someone's orbit. If you're calling/emailing/etc. with some regularity, they don't have to pay you any mind: you'll be around if and when they need/want to talk to you. So they don't feel the need or the desire to talk to you; because there's no urgency, and also because, of course, the conversation would force them to think about things they haven't given much thought to yet ... for whatever reason.

 

When they realize that they haven't heard from you in a while, they begin to wonder what's up. It dawns on them -- consciously or subconsciously -- that you're moving out of orbit, that you're not going to be as accessible. They won't be free to turn to you if they wish. So they suddenly feel the need to talk to you.

 

It's not fate or a sign that you're meant to be together. It's their semi-conscious awareness of how focused on them we are, or are not. People who are confused about what they want and have behaved selfishly will avoid reality for as long as they can. Once you start to move away, they see that maybe they can't delay any longer, that they've got to say SOMETHING even if they're not sure what, and whatever they say may not be borne out by their actions. And of course whatever they say, no matter how good it sounds, doesn't meant that they wouldn't do another withdraw/break-up/disappear act the next time doubt and confusion creep into their mixed up little heads.

 

I'm a bit tired at the moment and maybe not making much sense. But I think that exes who are nowhere to be found until you've just about given up tend to be rather clueless about their own emotions, and are also passive-aggressive and manipulative. Bearing that in mind makes it a little bit easier (just a little) to know how to deal with their out-of-the-blue professions, confessions, and concessions. Take anything with a double dose of salt. In fact, not taking anything they say -- at least not on the first pass -- would be the best thing. That's what I'm trying to do about my ex. If he's got something important to say, he'll be decisive, clear, and consistent. Otherwise it's all meaningless. I'm not holding my breath.

[stewh]

Firstly, thank you all for your assistance and advice over the past months. I could not have been on the road to recovery as quick as I have if it were not for your help.

 

It has taken two months for me to realise what you have been saying all along is the best course of action. To cut all ties with the ex.

 

I am going to go out with this new girl I met. But I am going to make it clear to her that at this moment in time I am not looking for anything heavy and that it may never be anything more than just friends. But you never know really.

 

I am not going to tell the ex either. I am not going to get dragged down into games of tit for tat. I want to move on with my life. I have ideas of where I want to go and do and a new type of girl with special qualities I want to settle for.

 

Daisy in response to your question. I asked myself this same question all the time after it happened and I could never come up with a answer that could justify it properly. The only reasons (which are poor I admit) I can come up with are that I had just had broadband internet access installed and my friend had shown me this website and I started chatting to people through it.

 

It was weird really Daisy, I had never done anything like it before, it felt like it just wasn't real, being 'virtual' and relatively anonymous over the internet.

 

I had no serious intentions of meeting anyone over it. And to be honest the chats were just general banter about life, films, music etc. They were just like friends really. I just never told them that I was living with my fiance but I did tell them I was single An insane time in my life!

 

Overall I think I was still being a bit immature. We had only been living together for 6 months. Before this I had never lived anywhere away from home. And I just had not accepted my responsibilities and adapted quickly enough.

 

I have now though! Since then I really did try to make things up to my ex. I did feel bad for what I had done. I feel that it was a pathetic mistake that got blown out of proportion. I will never do it again. I am not a cheat and have never cheated on her in 9 years together. Which is why i was admittedly upset she slept with someone so quickly.

 

With my new maturity I have been able to learn from it and will not make the same mistake with anyone else

[daisywindmill]

Stew, thank you so much for answering my question. I felt a tad awkward asking it, but I was so curious.

 

What you said was more or less the same as my fella. He never had any intention meeting the women either. He too said he was immature and trying to ignore the responsibility of a full blown commitment.

 

In some ways, although I wish it had not happened, it appears to have made the relationship stronger. Maybe the reason for this is that he could have got out of it when I found out, but me threatening to leave him made him stop and think as to what he would lose.

 

As you have said, it was a pathetic mistake and one that you (and he) won't be making again.

 

Relationships will always have their ups and downs, even the most loved and committed, but if one partner can not deal with a problem in a mature way then the other person should take this as a warning and move on.

 

Please be happy Stew and forget your ex. Mind games are not healthy for you and you deserve so much better.

 

Again, thank you for your honesty.

 

Daisy x

[stewh]

Thanks Daisy.

[Duddyroar]

To quote Good Charlotte:

 

"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money"

[sweetnovember]

[color=red]Stewh[/color]

 

Sorry if it takes me so long to find your post...

 

Wow what a story...

You should not let your feelings rule over your head...thats the reason why God put our brain above our heart...

Maybe this is blessing for you also, an opportunity to find yourself...your both too young to be committed...and marriage too early is a celebration of divorce before you reached 30...dont settle for what you have right now...there lots of things you missed...dont be unfair to yourself and to her...give her time and space...both of you will mature someday and that will be not attained if you just focused on each other...love passes as time goes on...have fun and dont ever be unfair to yourself...live to the fullest...Goodluck!!!

[stewh]

Just wanted to let you all know that the house is now sold and should be completed within 6 weeks!!!!!

 

Thank the maker, I will have closure and my ex won't have any excuse to get in touch with me again!!!!!

 

She can keep her fancy new boyfriend as she is not worth the hassle she creates.

 

Ta Ta

 

Stew

[midori]

Congratulations Stew. The worst is behind you. Good luck!