6 1/2 Weeks

[carrotgirl]

Has it only been 6 1/2 weeks? Has it been as long as 6 1/2 weeks?

 

I'm horribly depressed today. Everything hurts. I'm still keeping up NC/LC. The lack of exposure is helping. I don't look forward to seeing him or being seen by him at the office tomorrow.

 

I'm having to do a few things that are making me sad and angry. One of them is writing my will. Laying things out in legalese really just clarifies for me that GD is not my friend. Perhaps he will be in the future but he isn't my friend now.

 

I can't comfortably ask would he take Cat in the event of my untimely demise. I can ask but not comfortably. My relations are allergic. I'll have to hope someone sucks it up and should I be suddenly dead and there is Cat with no home.

 

It's a silly sort of thing to provoke anger but there it is. Not only is he not my friend, he's not even part of my life anymore. He may flirt and do little things to let me know he exists but in reality he is only an inconvenience.

 

I want it to be otherwise. He was it. Now I'm alone on a gorgeous, shining day and I feel terrible. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I can't do either. There is no more crying left in me. Just an ache that is pounding the hell out of my head and body.

 

Carrot

[sao2]

Writing a will will always get you down, no matter what other circumstances are.

 

I understand it sucks to be alone on a beautiful day, but it is even worse on ugly days. On ugly days I would like nothing more than to sleep in next to the one that I love(well maybe there something else I'ld like to do) but alas that is not to be.

 

It basically comes down to, everyday is better spent with the one you love and who loves you, if that is available. But don't torture yourself you are now free to get used to being alone again. Take advantage. Go out on your own, go for a walk, a swim?

 

I know this is a day too late but when I am feeling down I like doing things that I would not have been able to enjoy fully with my ex.

[Bosiell]

Sorry you are feeling so down carrot /hug. Not much I can say other than hang in there, keep up that NC. Always remember you are not alone.

 

By the way, 7 weeks for me, and oh my god the longest 7 weeks of my life by a long way, feels like a life time ago now I was with her in the heat of a Summer.

[carrotgirl]

I am not one for feeling ugly, not when I've got a choice. So I took care of myself as best I could and did the same today. I apologize for the vague rambling in advance. I'm letting the thoughts get written out without thinking hard about them... I want them outside of me.

 

Today blew NC and LC out the door. I'd be lying if I said I did this for professional reasons, though that certainly is the first place I benefit. If it's the last place I benefit it's still good. But I did it because it because I wanted to be normal. I got tired of being purposefully distant. I'm beyond tired of trying to be nice on purpose. I needed to stop trying to be anything.

 

And guys, will you talk to me about where you've been in your lives with this? I'm scared of magical thinking but I think maybe the friends are right and I've been too hard headed, and rightfully so dammit because he broke my heart! But maybe I've been too focused on myself to be considerate of a man who loves me more than he was ready to handle and he really is trying his best to be a good guy in the face of a lot of fear.

 

I'm scared to death to consider this. I'm more scared to consider it secretly where I could get lost in fantasy. It's awfully nice to think I'm missed when really I'm not. It's nice to think the comfort and trust is there despite ourselves when really it's not. It's nice to think the physical attraction and ease is there when it's not. I am very frightened to consider there could be something there still.

 

I don't want to fail by going the giant douche route either. Where I say what destiny will be as if I get to control someone else with my actions.

 

I don't want to let fear rule me so that I turn my back on reality that maybe is much better than I'm willing to see because that reality is harder even if it is better.

 

So I'm going to say what I observed and ask for help or head smacks or whatever it is that is going to be what gets me through.

 

The team kicked back in today. I think it's because I kicked back in today. I think my friend who remained silent for so long until she couldn't anymore was right. I think he got scared. I know I was scared for a long time and then I wasn't anymore. I trusted us. We're a very strong team together. And we BOTH were letting the team down. I just didn't see it. I let the team down first by letting fear get to me. He let the team down second by letting my fear get to him.

 

After the team instinct took over, I took a chance tonight and made myself vulnerable professionally. I asked for his help. He didn't pause. He didn't stop to consider. He understood the request and instead of staying withing the boundaries of office time, he offered me some of his precious personal time to help. And he offered his time immediately this week. He doesn't want to wait until next week to help even though I would have waited because he really wants to help. It was like my guy was back but I (and I'm so scared to say this out loud) think the truth is more like it was because my guy's girl was back.

 

So I'm taking his help. He understands my theories better than anyone else I know. He can help me put my models into practice faster and better than if I keep going it alone. We both know this.

 

His friend, the one that doesn't like me, has been feeding the fear too. I don't think there is anything I can do about that so I'm leaving it alone. The friend came up in conversation tonight a couple of times. This wasn't accidental. I'm beginning to accept that my ex's actions are ANYTHING but accidental!

 

He gave me a really big thumbs up on my Halloween costume. An actual thumbs up. That is so unusual for him. I didn't expect him to like my costume. I didn't expect him to care. And then I realized. He gets my humor. He really still gets it and he LIKES it. And all of these actions and behaviors are not accidental. He's trying to talk to me and communicate and I'm not allowing it.

 

I don't understand it and I'm uncomfortable not knowing where I stand anymore and instead of finding a way to be comfortable with the unknown which is what I normally would do, I've been finding a way to be comfortable with an outcome I don't like or want. Because it's finite even if I fight it.

 

Being that was wasn't working for me today to such a point where I let it go without really thinking about it. And it was right at least for today.....

 

I think there could be something there. Okay, I think love is there. I know this is crazy, wishful thinking and it's not based on anything real other than what I'm observing and that is real. Today I saw things differently. I did things differently. He did things differently too. He sought out my company like he used to. I can't really explain it. It was like I went out to meet him part way and then he went the rest of the way to meet me.

 

I don't know where to go from here.

 

Carrot.

[carrotgirl]

Deleted duplicate post. I got duped again!

[kirikat]

Carrot....

 

No contact has its place. But, you know - it isnt the most grown up or healthy way to handle our relationships.

 

Relationships change and grow over time. People come and go for a reason, and there is way more involved than just our ego and personality - love and relationships are about soul.

 

I am not saying to have any hopes that you will be married and have 2.5 kids. But without contact, or with outright hostility, you are cutting off the path for anything NEW.

 

Furthermore, this NC thing (esp when you must have contact for work) creates unnecessary drama. It interrupts the flow of life. It disallows change and growth, and mythologises the relationship. You get "stuck".

 

Now, if the relationship or person is Toxic to your life, then its understandable. But in this case, I think you need to work this through together - just like you got into it - toghether. Clearly, this relationship isnt "over" - because clearly, you are still in it. The problem is, its his voice in your head - not his voice in the air.

 

Keep breathing. Keep protecting yourself. Don't feed false hopes - But, I think you are doing the right thing by trying to normalize relations with him.

[Spinderella]

I don't understand it and I'm uncomfortable not knowing where I stand anymore and instead of finding a way to be comfortable with the unknown which is what I normally would do, I've been finding a way to be comfortable with an outcome I don't like or want. Because it's finite even if I fight it.

I think youre onto something there. Alot of nc's benefits are to do with being more comfortable with a known, rather than unknown situation.

But thats not the only benefit of course

You sound like you are surprised that he wants to communicate with you, that you stepped towards him, and he stepped towards you, and yet it was never any question that he wanted to be close to you. Its what he stated weeks ago, that he wants a good friendship with you.

I dont know Carrot, perhaps you should put a question to all the men out there, but, it seems to me, that if he was in any doubt about wanting you back, you would have seen more evidence than this. You keep mentioning his fear, but, how scary are you really?

Perhaps thats not what you are asking, but, it seems like it is somewhere in your mind. I dont want to be harsh but, I think contact is confusing and difficult, and I'm trying to simplify things.

If you are asking should you be friends, then only you know the answer, but, if thats what you decide, you would have to be clear, that this was friendship, and NOTHING else.

If you are asking, is this a good tactic (for want of a better word), then No, I dont believe it is. Some might disagree, but just go and read the thread "I need her back" in second chances.

But Kirikats advice is good too.

[carrotgirl]

It was a day from hell. A day where my CEO said to me, "This is bullsh*t!" and "It's not your fault." I'm feeling lower than dirt anyway. But, we'll be having a talk tomorrow and I have a feeling my promotion bit it. Hell, I'm lucky I still have a job at this point.

 

All I want is to have my shoulders rubbed, have a hot soak, a shot of whiskey and to bed in my GD's arms. Perhaps a little hair caressing. Since I'm barred from any of that, I'm settling for going home and sacking out on the sofa with a peanut butter sandwich.

 

GD doesn't know the story. He was home sick today but I'm sure he knows something went wrong since my boo boos tend to get picked up by the newswires. It's too bad. I was just back to looking brilliant again yesterday and today I'm the resident idiot.

 

Otherwise, with regard to yesterday's post.... I'm really just throwing it all out there and seeing what gets returned. I feel like I haven't been asking the right questions so I'm being a lot more open in everything. Are we friends? I don't know. If I call him and ask for comfort I have no doubt he'll open his arms. If he's not sleeping. I don't want to ask but he's not a mind reader so how can he be there if I don't?

 

But don't worry everyone. I'm not going to ask. I can handle not asking for love at the end of a bad day.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

But don't worry everyone. I'm not going to ask. I can handle not asking for love at the end of a bad day.

Yah. I couldn't handle it. I called and asked.

 

I need a hug.

Awwww, Sweeeeetieee. Bad day?

Did you read the press?

Isn't that THEIR problem? How is that YOUR problem?

 

So I told him what happened and he was everything I could want him to be. Then he said, I'm still working tonight. Can a hug wait until sometime later?

 

I couldn't argue. He's under terrible deadlines worse than mine. I said it could. He asked, How about a hug before bedtime? I said okay. So I'll see you later then? he asked. I said okay.

 

Everything hurts.

[carrotgirl]

Then he said, I'm still working tonight. Can a hug wait until sometime later? .... How about a hug before bedtime? I said okay.

He just called. He said, This is going to take me much longer than I thought. I said okay. He asked, So how about a hug in a couple of minutes? If I wasn't already bluh bluh bluh numb from the pounding I'm taking I would have melted. But he made me smile.

 

I was too bent to dissemble. I said, I'm still taking calls and I'm half naked and trying to get in a shower. He said, So hugs before bedtime then? I said yah.

 

Is this really what guys who don't care do?

[carrotgirl]

I'm camped out in my own bed. There is no play by play. I sat on his lap and he held me for an hour and a half while we talked. Do you need me to get off? I asked after almost an hour. No. This is good, he said.

 

Then he made me a cup of tea and we cuddled up and made fun of the news for a little while. Then he disengaged and did some work while napped a little. We talked a little more about nothing at all.

 

When I got punchy about his Mortal Kombat gravy boat he said it was time to go home so he could do his work. And we hugged some more. I got to not have to guess about his erection. Now I'm home.

 

No lovey dovey. No kissing or flirting. Just a little intimacy. And he asked about the guy who's been calling me. I guess I could have lied but the guy he referred to is only a friend. Home is good.

 

 

Is this really how guys who don't care act?

 

Carrot

[wowIlose]

He cares.. but he might just be keeping you close because he knows he can.. your giving him what he wants and he knows he has you. I think if he REALLY cared he would be back with you.

 

You need to stop what your doing. I know its nice now but if hes not coming back whats the point?

[Spinderella]

Well Carrot, I really dont blame you. If you need some love to get you by, and stop you from spiralling into a depression, then accept it. Just maybe dont get too comfortable there. Yes, he does care, definitely.

[carrotgirl]

Time, peanutbutter sandwiches, more time, more peanutbutter sandwiches. My life is an endless stack of peanutbutter sandwiches.

 

Could be worse.

 

It was another train wreck of a day today. Right up until I finally told the CEO if he didn't support my efforts to make his company better he could stick it. It took a few more paragraphs than that but the meaning was clear.

 

I had to ignore GD most of the day. I just didn't have time. Besides, I got the feeling he was trying to avoid me a little today and I think I kind of like that. I don't know why. But I do.

 

He was suitably annoyed that I was getting hammered publicly. That was nice. I shared my kiss off letter with him and his response was really amazing. I was expecting him to be disappointed that I lost it. His response was the exact opposite. I think he was kind of proud.

 

Normally I wouldn't care what someone thinks - obviously if I'm telling off the big guy, but GD's always been a little hard on me for this particular career path, even if it's somewhat similar to his own.

 

I'm really tired.

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

I did the same with my ex for 5 months. The whole trying to ignore the fact that if he cared, he'd be with me and we'd not be broken up and hanging out but bf/gf and going out. I kept figuring he must care, because he was still around.

 

Truth is, sure, he did care, in the ways he knew how, however, those ways weren't in a committed relationship sort of way, or weren't in a "i want to be with YOU" way. They were just there.

 

It's incredibly hard to give up on the crumbs, for sure. This is what you're going through now.

 

So basically you have to ask yourself, are you only worth crumbs?

[carrotgirl]

Aria, GD's was generous last night. Generous, good and respectful.

 

You might consider it crumbs. I don't.

 

GD gave me the gift of time during an extremely busy week, several hours worth. He gave me the gift of human touch and compassion. He may have wanted a pretty girl smooshing him and breathing on him, but if he didn't want it, he didn't let on. He let me take what I needed in terms of contact and comfort.

 

What I like the best though is that he took care of himself too. He allowed intimacy and when he couldn't handle it, he established a boundary by sitting in another seat, near, but not under me or pretzeled up with me. And he did this without implying anything, without any attitude. He in no way made me feel unwelcome. He showed me he was merely taking care of himself.

 

These are not crumbs or insignificant things to me. The cost to him in terms of time was a lot. Why would you call this crumbs?

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

.

 

These are not crumbs or insignificant things to me. The cost to him in terms of time was a lot. Why would you call this crumbs?

 

Carrot

 

He was with you physically last night, sure, but he wasn't emotionally, for if he were, you'd be together and not broken up.

 

These are crumbs.

[carrotgirl]

So basically you have to ask yourself, are you only worth crumbs?

I thought some more about this.

 

I have to say that last night while I was with GD, he was WITH me. He gave me his full attention. He didn't DO anything else but hold me while he was holding me. He didn't make any little noises or motions like he'd rather be doing something else or rather be somewhere else. Not that he ever has. So that is something that hasn't changed even though our status has.

 

I'm bothered in general by the idea we're somehow entitled to any part of another person just because.... because what? For the second time in a couple of weeks I found myself with GD with NO expecations. I wasn't there to prove how great I was. I wasn't there for sex. I wasn't there to satisfy any hunger. Neither was he. I was there for compassion and companionship.

 

Last night everything I wanted was given. Everything I asked for, I received. I'm quite proud of the way I valued myself. I valued myself as someone deserving of a hug and that I was deserving to ASK. I valued myself highly and I think GD did the same.

 

Today I reminded a colleague that her worth wasn't the same as her salary. Tonight you are reminding me that my worth isn't the same as how much I'm given. If you equate your value with what some give you, or how much someone loves you then how much easier is it for you to think you're worthless when you receive less?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

He was with you physically last night, sure, but he wasn't emotionally, for if he were, you'd be together and not broken up.

 

These are crumbs.

Aria, that may have been your reality but it's not mine.

 

We held each other. We breathed each other's air. There was nothing more physical than that. I'll let the guys speak to this, but on behalf of myself, there is NO WAY I'd let man, woman or child hang out on my lap for an hour and half unless I felt good about the experience. And that is emotion.

 

I find the idea of setting a rule and a boundary around someone else's heart this way, "If you love me, here's what you'll do...." very silly and very controlling. It's basically the way parents teach their children. I don't want GD to be my child and I don't want to control him. I want him to be the independent thinking man he is.

 

He's going to do what he wants and be where he wants. I'm going to accept that for what it is. He wanted to spend time together with me more than he didn't want to spend time together with me. He chose. How can that be considered less valuable than it is? Face it, it's pretty nice when anyone wants to spend a few hours hanging out together with us at the end of the day isn't it?

[AriaIncognito]

All I'm saying is, my ex was a willing participant in this behavior too. But he didn't stick around once he found another one that he wanted to be with. After all, we were broken up.

 

I'm just trying to keep your reality in check. You seem to believe that all this means something, when well, if it meant something, he'd be asking you to commit to him.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt, but well, been there, done that. I was just like you. I thought he wanted to be there and it must mean he was happy. But well, if he was, he'd be with me now.

[carrotgirl]

At the risk of pissin' ya off, I'll remind you of a little fact so many have already discovered. Just because someone is with you, engaged to you, married to you, says he/she loves you, doesn't mean they're happy and doesn't mean they won't find someone else eeeither. There are no guarantees. So why not revel in what's joyful? Why must it have a name to have value?

 

I don't think last night means anything more or less than it was. I left his place laughing and smiling. I left him with a smile on his face and loads more work to do.

 

I'm definitely not going to fall into that dreadfully American trap of if I have something good then I must be entitled to SO MUCH MORE. That's crap. If GD gave me 2 hours then surely I should have had 4 or more. If GD held me and acted lovingly then sure I should have had him slobbering and begging at my feet to come back? Is that love?

 

http://utrecht.cc/artist/Squeeze/v/86273?PHPSESSID=b476c0f62beabf5c824d37666d1de847

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

whatever you want. i dont really feel like arguing my point anymore. i made it, you disagree. so we'll agree to disagree.

[carrotgirl]

Aria, I don't think you're arguing. I think you're telling your story here and it's one of pain and sorrow. It's yours to tell but what is speaking loudest is your bitterness. That is the cautionary tale for me. I don't dip into the bitterness drink and I don't want to. Especially because of that, I don't believe I will.

 

There is no healing for the girl I was a month and a half ago. She's a month and a half gone. GD can't give me back the sleep I lost. He can't take the trauma away. No one can. The healing is for the girl today. Likewise, the relationship forged with GD is about today.

 

Is what GD gives today, all the girl from a month and a half ago wanted? No. Is it all the girl from yesterday wanted? Yes. He gave all that I wanted. I did not leave feeling loss or dissatisfaction. I didn't walk around with an unrequited love knot in my belly today.

 

It's a twisted ego that demands a person pay back what is impossible to pay back. There is no amount of love or attention that can make me feel like our break up was a good thing. But I feel very fortunate to to see what is good now and accept it for what it is - good.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Aria, I don't think you're arguing. I think you're telling your story here and it's one of pain and sorrow. It's yours to tell but what is speaking loudest is your bitterness. That is the cautionary tale for me. I don't dip into the bitterness drink and I don't want to.

Yah. This morning this reads pretty harsh and that isn't what I intended at all. I'm sorry.

 

Aria, it's not so much that I disagree with you. You have a very direct way of helping me to see things differently about me by relating things about your experience. I don't see the parallels you see but that doesn't mean I'm right.

 

Carrot

[Spinderella]

I think that maybe people see potential pain further down the line rather than now. For now, what are you really missing? You still feel his love, compassion, companionship, but if he were to fall in love with somebody else, then those things would change.

It is true that even in a "normal" relationship there is a possibility of that happening, but, a relationship like that has better defined boundaries, and better understood conditions.

I agree it is desirable to be above ego. Something to think about maybe, is whether you are above ego now, or being unrealistic. I suppose if you can imagine you would be okay with seeing him with somebody else, and withdrawing the affection to you, then you are truly above ego.