CallMeCrazy Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I just returned home from a 4 day vacation with my MM. Let me first start out by saying, I love him sooo much, and our little get-a-way made me care for and appreciate him even more. This was our first real trip together and it went even better than I could have imagined. Now that I'm home, I'm reflecting on things and realizing the deep emotional toll this is taking on me. We have these amazing "highs" together (especially when you fly somewhere and take a real vacation) and dramatic "lows" when we have to leave each other. I almost feel like a drug addict coming down from my fix.....! The other thing I'm realizing is that there's not 2 of us in this relationship, there are 3 of us! As I mentioned before, the trip was nearly perfect ~ except for the fact he felt the need to call and "check in" with his W far too much. She is always there, lingering in the background. A distraction. At first, I started thinking this woman must have one heck of a hold on him.... However, then I considered the possibility that his guilt was causing him to overcompensate with the obsessive checking in....worrying, etc?? I'm not sure. She also brought him to and picked him up from the airport.... That disgusted me. The only other thing was that he never takes off his wedding ring. If you take your girlfriend to another major city for vacation ~ why in the world do you keep the ring on? It's embarrassing. I finally brought this up to him the night we had this amazing dinner and he aknowledged my feelings and took it off. However, the next day it was right back on. I don't get that... He says that he is leaving his W before January, and I'm about 98% certain that he definitely will.... but of course there is always that twinge of doubt. After a weekend like we had, how in the world could you go home to the person that makes you so unhappy? What is he waiting for? I know he's putting it off because it's going to be hard and people are going to be hurt. It's much easier to keep up the way things are huh? I'm an over-thinker, and just wanted to vent about things now that I'm home. It really is tough knowing he's laying in bed next to her tonight when he woke up with me this morning.... In my mind, after a weekend like the one he just had with me, it would be a no brainer that we should be together. I know he feels and felt the same way..... I'm just not good at sharing........... and have to keep focusing on other things so these emotional times don't get me off track across the board. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Men very rarely are the ones who leave their wives. It's usually the wives who leave them once they find out! Most divorce filings in this country originate from women! He probably keeps his ring on cause he doesn't want to lose it. Habit. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeNoOther Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 He probably kept it on because he doesn't want to leave. Both W and MM do not wear their rings anymore. MM doesn't wear it because he's over and done with his M. Some people get the ones they want, some don't. It's not about luck, it's about you wanting it bad or not. If you want it bad, make it happen. It goes both ways. But never BEG a man to leave his M or not to leave you. That's sad. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 the trip was nearly perfect ~ except for the fact he felt the need to call and "check in" with his W far too much. She is always there, lingering in the background. A distraction. At first, I started thinking this woman must have one heck of a hold on him.... However, then I considered the possibility that his guilt was causing him to overcompensate with the obsessive checking in....worrying, etc?? I'm not sure. Of course he's FEELING guilty - he IS guilty! And that's not going to go away if he leaves her. Or if he stays. She also brought him to and picked him up from the airport.... That disgusted me. But not nearly as much as it's going to disgust HER when she finds out! The only other thing was that he never takes off his wedding ring. If you take your girlfriend to another major city for vacation ~ why in the world do you keep the ring on? It's embarrassing. I finally brought this up to him the night we had this amazing dinner and he aknowledged my feelings and took it off. However, the next day it was right back on. I don't get that... Guilt. Habit. Any number of conflicting feelings. He's married. He can go away with you on holiday, but that doesn't unmarry him. If it embarrasses you to be with a guy who's married, then don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Unforgetable77 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 My MM also wears his wedding ring, has never taken it off and i've never brought it up in conversation or asked him to take it off, it really does bother me though!...he probably hasn't even thought about, or has he?? What does a wedding ring actually symbolise anyway? apart from the obvious, I know of many people that wear them that are not married Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Prepare yourself for a crash landing....around or about January. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 He says that he is leaving his W before January, and I'm about 98% certain that he definitely will.... What indication has he given you that he is going to do this? I know he is telling you this, obviously - but what actions is he taking to see it through? From what you posted, there is no indication that he is leaving. He sounds like he is not emotionally divorced from his wife, nor is his status quo even nearly detached enough for him to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 He is not emotionally detached. If he were, he wouldn't have been checking in so often. Number one clue right there. One can HOPE it is guilt, or this or that....but the more likely scenario is that he actually wanted to speak to his wife. From what you posted, there is no indication that he is leaving. He sounds like he is not emotionally divorced from his wife, nor is his status quo even nearly detached enough for him to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Let's see....in this case... OW tells him to take the ring off. He complies. The ring is back on his finger the next day. The symbolism here is obvious. It pretty much gives this OW a glimpse of the crash landing in January. What does a wedding ring actually symbolise anyway? apart from the obvious, I know of many people that wear them that are not married Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 From what I read here... I don't think he will leave her. He's 'checking' on her way too much... I think he's stringing you in. He certainly loves the 'excitement' he has with you... he has a wonderful time with you... but he's way too attached to her still. January is only a few months away.. I think you're in for a 'heartbreak'... I could be wrong as we never know the whole story... we just have to go with a few lines.. but I would be very much surprised if he leaves her. Link to post Share on other sites
precious1357 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Highs and Lows, I feel the same way. My MM goes home and its starting to unravel my nerves, even though I know neither one of us can do anything right now because I'm committed to waiting until my child is 18 (2 more yrs) and he does not want to hurt anyone. We love each other tremendously, we are not young 50s/60s, so we know exactly what we're facing, but its so hard for me to let him go. We've been together for a year and its starting to take a toll on my nerves, his wife has called me and that was horrible, because I see her every now and then. If you love one another, then hang in until he gets a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Highs and Lows, I feel the same way. My MM goes home and its starting to unravel my nerves, even though I know neither one of us can do anything right now because I'm committed to waiting until my child is 18 (2 more yrs) and he does not want to hurt anyone. We love each other tremendously, we are not young 50s/60s, so we know exactly what we're facing, but its so hard for me to let him go. We've been together for a year and its starting to take a toll on my nerves, his wife has called me and that was horrible, because I see her every now and then. If you love one another, then hang in until he gets a divorce. Whay is the difference? 16? 18? Why do you think it will make a difference to your child? I think you are just thinking of your own guilt and will feel less guilty if your child is legally an adult. 18 is more turmoil for a child then 16. 16 they are still a kid with kid responsibilities at 18 your child will have a lot to deal with on their own. Either beginning college life or taking on a full time job and supporting themselves. Honestly I think you are kidding yourself if you think waiting till 18 makes a difference. Be fair to everyone do what you have to do NOW not just what will make your guilty heart feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
precious1357 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 green, I want to wait, not for guilty reasons, my husband died when my youngest child was six years old, now 16, very intelligent and has great plans to attend college. I have another in college and we have been very close for the last ten years and I have not brought another man around them. Our relationship is very special and when the additional challenges come in two years, then we will deal with ALL OF THEM TOGETHER, my new husband, college, job and whatever. But it has nothing to do with guilt. We're decent (not perfect) and we will handle things in the best possible manner. No 2 families are alike, don't put us down for the way we choose to handle this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 green, I want to wait, not for guilty reasons, my husband died when my youngest child was six years old, now 16, very intelligent and has great plans to attend college. I have another in college and we have been very close for the last ten years and I have not brought another man around them. Our relationship is very special and when the additional challenges come in two years, then we will deal with ALL OF THEM TOGETHER, my new husband, college, job and whatever. But it has nothing to do with guilt. We're decent (not perfect) and we will handle things in the best possible manner. No 2 families are alike, don't put us down for the way we choose to handle this situation. I apologize. I thought you were a married ow. You really don't think your kids can handle you having a man in your life? Don't you think after all this time they would be happy for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 green, I want to wait, not for guilty reasons, my husband died when my youngest child was six years old, now 16, very intelligent and has great plans to attend college. I have another in college and we have been very close for the last ten years and I have not brought another man around them. Our relationship is very special and when the additional challenges come in two years, then we will deal with ALL OF THEM TOGETHER, my new husband, college, job and whatever. But it has nothing to do with guilt. We're decent (not perfect) and we will handle things in the best possible manner. No 2 families are alike, don't put us down for the way we choose to handle this situation. I have to congratulate you... I like the way you handle your stuff... you think of your children first... and that's the way it should be...eventhough they are older... you know them more than anyone else and you know what's best for all of you... I admire mature and responsible people... good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 CallmeCrazy, I understand where you're coming from. Once I went on a 2-day vacation with my xMM (who said he was separated), and as soon as we got to this beautiful romantic resort, he called his wife to let her know the room number and that he got there okay. He asked me to go get ice while he did so (for our drinks, of course). Now I think, WTF was wrong with me? How did I bend so low? I remember waiting outside the door b/c I could hear the low tone of his voice talking to her and I couldn't come in yet. He then instructed me about 8 times, as if I were a child who couldn't figure this out, NOT to answer the phone no matter what, b/c it could be her calling. Just thinking of that makes me feel desperate and pathetic at that time in my life, but I am over that now. Plus your MM had his wife take him to the airport so that he could go away with his OW... I can only imagine how that disgusted you. I agree with the other posters that actions speak louder than words. What has he done to show you he's leaving "by" January? And what does he mean by "leaving"? My xMM "left" his wife -- as in moved out of their house -- two months into our relationship, which was a big enough "sign" for me to be strung along for six more months... until I woke up and realized that he has YET to file for divorce, move into a permanent place, take his dogs and his other stuff from their house, etc. Even if he "leaves" her, his life and emotions will still be totally tangled up with hers. And I'm just beginning to realize how long a divorce can take to go through, especially if one party drags their feet. So, leaving "by" January (what does that even mean? Maybe November? Maybe December? I think it means he is at least sub-consciously stringing you along and guaranteeing himself at *least* 3 more months of your devotion... I don't mean to crush your hopes but I feel that in January he will have some excuse for not yet leaving, just like my xMM always had some excuse for not yet filing) does not mean "filing" for divorce by January and definitely not "finalizing" the divorce by January. I think these are 3 precious months of your life. Are you sure you want to devote them to this guy who disgusts you by having his wife take you to the airport and wearing his wedding ring even when he is on vacation with you? What do you really mean to him? Love is not just words and not just feelings... it is action. If he really "loved" you, the way you deserve, he would have taken action to change the situation that prevents him from giving you what you deserve. I'm not trying to lecture you, just get you to think about things. I wish you the very best, good luck hon. ~Nadia Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 It always seems to be that 'magic age' of 18. Then when that comes, it is: "I can't leave now, when my kid comes home from college vacations I want him/her to have both parents in one place so vacations aren't split" Then... "I can't leave now, my baby is getting ready to graduate from college and I want to be there as a family for him/her during this important time. A divorce would be too much right now." Then... "I can't leave now, my kid is getting married and I need to be here for him/her during this important time - he/she might not want me at the wedding if I leave his/her mother now." Then... "But my kid is expecting his/her first child, I can't leave now - he/she needs me there with his/her mother to be grandpa." Then... "But I want to have a good grandma/grandpa relationship for my grandchild. I can't break up our home now." Then... "I'm too old for an affair, we need to end things." You may think that doesn't happen, but it does. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I just returned home from a 4 day vacation with my MM. Let me first start out by saying, I love him sooo much, and our little get-a-way made me care for and appreciate him even more. This was our first real trip together and it went even better than I could have imagined. Now that I'm home, I'm reflecting on things and realizing the deep emotional toll this is taking on me. We have these amazing "highs" together (especially when you fly somewhere and take a real vacation) and dramatic "lows" when we have to leave each other. I almost feel like a drug addict coming down from my fix.....! The other thing I'm realizing is that there's not 2 of us in this relationship, there are 3 of us! As I mentioned before, the trip was nearly perfect ~ except for the fact he felt the need to call and "check in" with his W far too much. She is always there, lingering in the background. A distraction. At first, I started thinking this woman must have one heck of a hold on him.... Well, he's married and has a wife. You are the OW, so if you want to continue on this path, accept that his wife isn't going anywhere. Or, take control of your own path and END the affair. He isn't going to leave, end the marriage and be with you forever..Sorry, but you're so caught up in the feelings and lust, fantasy and addiction-like feelings, you can't see that he is just enjoying two women in his life and has no intention of changing anything. He'll go on like this for as long as you're 'game' to be the OW. She also brought him to and picked him up from the airport.... That disgusted me. He either has huge balls to do this, or he just loves getting away with 'no good.' He isn't considering your feelings at all, is he now? But, then again, you know he's married and she's a big part of his life. Again, if you want to stay the OW, you need to accept certain things, his wife isn't going anywhere. The only other thing was that he never takes off his wedding ring. If you take your girlfriend to another major city for vacation ~ why in the world do you keep the ring on? It's embarrassing. I finally brought this up to him the night we had this amazing dinner and he aknowledged my feelings and took it off. However, the next day it was right back on. I don't get that... Because he doesn't want to take it off. Maybe he was scared he'd lose it. Or, maybe he just sees you as the OW, nothing more-nothing less. You're his affair partner, not his 'wife.' Two different women, two different roles. He says that he is leaving his W before January, and I'm about 98% certain that he definitely will.... but of course there is always that twinge of doubt. After a weekend like we had, how in the world could you go home to the person that makes you so unhappy? What is he waiting for? I know he's putting it off because it's going to be hard and people are going to be hurt. It's much easier to keep up the way things are huh? He isn't leaving. He's been lying to you about everything. Do you really believe that if his marriage was soooo crappy, he'd allow his wife to drop him off and pick him up from the airport? Come on....Please take the blinders off, because you're definately not seeing this situation clearly at all. You're letting feelings get in the way. Try to take a step back and see things from a different angle. I'm sure his marriage isn't half as bad as he says it is. Remember, this man is and has been lying to his wife so don't fool yourself into thinking he won't lie and 'omit' certain things from you as well. I'm an over-thinker, and just wanted to vent about things now that I'm home. It really is tough knowing he's laying in bed next to her tonight when he woke up with me this morning.... In my mind, after a weekend like the one he just had with me, it would be a no brainer that we should be together. I know he feels and felt the same way..... You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, when he is with you, he's with 'you.' When he's at home with his wife, he's with 'her.' Double life... Link to post Share on other sites
troutie jr Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I can see why OW/OM's frequent this board, but I can't figure out why supposed happy married people do. MM may be living a double life, but happy married people who frequent a place like this are living a double standard. So it seems. Somthing sounds fishy to me. My opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I can see why OW/OM's frequent this board, but I can't figure out why supposed happy married people do. MM may be living a double life, but happy married people who frequent a place like this are living a double standard. So it seems. Somthing sounds fishy to me. My opinion. You just said it... why would happy married people be constantly on a board like this if they are sooo happy.... I don't buy that either. I always thought that if I was in a happy M or relationship.. a forum would be the last place on earth I would want to be... This has always stunned me... oh well... this is just me... and my opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
troutie jr Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 You just said it... why would happy married people be constantly on a board like this if they are sooo happy.... I don't buy that either. I always thought that if I was in a happy M or relationship.. a forum would be the last place on earth I would want to be... This has always stunned me... oh well... this is just me... and my opinion... I am not married, but should that day come I will choose a wife that is confident, intelligent and trusting enought in our marriage to know she can talk to me about any subject matter. Besides, I would rather her frequent my board and fondle me than a keyboard Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Oh wow. Dead on, Troutie Jr and Lizzie! Even I don't frequent here as much!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I don't think frequenting the OW/OM forum always has to do with whether a person is happily married or not. Even the happiest of married people are curious about stuff like this. Where else IRL would they be able to get insight into something like this that they are curious about, particularly about the people who have relationships with married people? Link to post Share on other sites
troutie jr Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I don't think frequenting the OW/OM forum always has to do with whether a person is happily married or not. Even the happiest of married people are curious about stuff like this. Where else IRL would they be able to get insight into something like this that they are curious about, particularly about the people who have relationships with married people? Why would someone who is happily married be curious to Affairs? Does not make sense to me. I can find many other things to keep my woman's interests peeked believe me. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 It's beyond me why anyone would question, or care, who posts what where. Link to post Share on other sites
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