happytexan Posted May 10, 2003 Share Posted May 10, 2003 I have been dating a guy going on 3 years. I am 25, he is 23. I recently have rededicated my life to Christ, and see many things in a new light. While I love and cherish the guy that I am dating, there are things that we do not agree on. I told him about a week ago that I needed some time to myself to see how he fits in my life and if there is a definate future for us. We lived together for about a year, when he decided that he wasn't ready for family life. (I have a 4 year old). So he moved out, and we kinda put some distance between us. I've always felt that he takes our relationship for granted, and we've had several talks about this. It seems that both of us really want to continue the relationship. And it's like it's in a cycle. We are happy, everything is fine, then one of us is unhappy, we have a talk, things are good for a while, and then it starts all over again. Recently two of his very good friends got married, and I think it got him to thinking that he wanted to share a life with me in that way as well. Which I am fine with, but it just really took me off guard. And so I wanted some time to really think about if I could handle our differences or not. One major difference is that his roommate is a pothead. And I went over there to visit with my daughter, and it was just laying out in the kitchen. Now I have very strong feelings about this, because I grew up in this envrionment. I do not want that around my daughter at all. He does do it on occasion as well. He didn't do this in the beginning of our relationship, and is easily influenced by his friends. I told him that I did not want to be with someone who does drugs, period. I told him that I am a person with standards and expectations, and that I wouldn't compromise my beliefs. He didn't take this too well. But I really expressed to him that I just needed some time to think. Now of course there are many other factors to our relationship that will take long to explain, but I do love him, and care about him. And wanted advice on whether I should move on, or give it another try? (this is the 2nd time around!) Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 10, 2003 Share Posted May 10, 2003 It sounds like the two of you have split away and are now following two different paths in life. If he really loves you and wants to dedicate his life to you, he should be very happy to give up the drugs and keep them out of his place. After all, it would be observing the law as well (wouldn't that be real nice). My real concern is that you have now dedicated yourself to a Christian life and he has not. This is something you can't ask him to do or force him to do. This is something that each person must find for himself or herself. There may be a lot of bumpy areas over time as you find various of his behaviors which do not conform to your ethics or morals. This will all require a very major talk with him to see if he is willing to commit to a new way of life. I don't think he necessarily has to become religious but he will have to do some major compromising of his lifestyle to accomodate the new person you have become. Frankly, I don't think he'll be able to pull it off. So many women want to change men...and it seldom works. But maybe you can with lots of prayer and effort. Otherwise, if you don't clearly see that he can change his life sufficiently in order to be compatible with yours so the two of you can live in harmony in a stable environment, you will have to move on. Have a talk with him as soon as possible...and be sure you absolutely trust what he says if he makes committments to you. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 I would say at his age of 23, he has a lot of maturing to do. You have responsibility to your daughter to give her the life she deserves; he doesn't. If he is not willing to make that sacrifice of giving up the potheads and pot; I'd say it's time to move on. Just you having to question it is giving you your answer, don't you think? Marriage is a lifetime commitment and if there is any doubt at all in your mind, follow your heart. I've been happily married for 21 years and I'm not saying that issues haven't come up, but don't marry someone in hopes they will change because 9 times out of 10 they don't. I've got friends that can confirm this. Another thing; I will be blasted for this probably, but think twice before living with someone again. After all, the old saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free" still holds true today. Why act like you're married when you're not? Who will be the beneficiary if something happens to either of you? What about life insurance and rent leases and or mortgage payments? Whose shoulders does it fall on? It's something to think about even though you don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happytexan Posted May 11, 2003 Author Share Posted May 11, 2003 Thanks for all the advice. It is much appreciated and not taken lightly. I am now in that process of taking the time to evaluate our relationship and how it falls in place with my new way of life. I realize that as Christians we are to be paired with one in which we are equally yoked. We have had a talk about my Christianity. He first felt like church and my church friends were taking his place. But we worked past that and now he sees that I am really there just for a relationship with God and for fellowship with others like me. He does have some differing views on the subject of religion. And that is a lot of the reason I have decided to place some time between us. I hope and pray that Jesus will take hold in his life, but it is only up to him to take that step. As for living together? I have already expressed to him that I will not live with a man again until I am married. Period. I think that has a lot to do with why we have some of the problems that we do in the first place. And in the best interest of my daughter, I think it is not a good idea. It only confuses her, and I don't think that is fair to put her in that situation. Thanks again for all your help. It really confirms things to hear them from people who aren't biased. I plan on staying clear of him for about a month, just to see how it goes and give me some time to think about all of this. I have asked him to make a list of the things that he wants out of a relationship, and what are the pros and cons og our relationship. We still communicate by email. But that's really about it. I think that by having him complete those lists, I will be able to better assess if this is something I am ready to keep trying or not. I also have made these lists, and plan on giving them to him. I appreciate your feedback! Thanks a lot! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 You sound like you're on the right track. Listen to your heart and know that from within, you'll know the right direction to take. You've got a good head on your shoulders and I admire anyone who puts their child above the rest; that's the way it should be. Good luck to you, I know you're on the path to happiness, it just may take some time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happytexan Posted May 12, 2003 Author Share Posted May 12, 2003 Thanks Luv'. I appreciate your vote of confidence. It's never an easy process, letting someone go. You never know what turn of events may influence your decisions. My daughter will always take priority over any man that I date, until I get married. Then the relationship will prevail. #1 God, #2 Spouse, #3 children. If you can't maintain the first two, the third one will be even harder. Circumstances may change, but I will always be true to my heart and where our good Lord leads me. I'm glad to have found this forum to get opinions of others who may have been in the same situation, or just have a different perspective on things. Thanks a bunch! Link to post Share on other sites
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