Starting again...

[undertoner]

Hi everyone. I'm just looking for a little advice. I split up with a girl about 2 years ago and I've not had a full relationship since then. We went out for about 4 years and I thought she was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with, but alas it didn't work out.

 

Since we broke up I've dated 2 girls, but it didn't really work out. I realised that I wasn't over my previous relationship. I left it about another 8-10 months or so and have recently been trying to 'get out there' and hopefully start dating again.

 

This is where my problem lies. I don't think anyone is interested in me in 'that way'. I don't think girls see me as being someone to date. There have been girls interested in me, and I just stayed friends with them because I thought it was best to stay single while I sorted my head out about my last long relationship. Now I'm interested in dating again, no one seems interested at all. Girls in work who wanted to chat for ages (whm I've been told 'really liked' me), now seem completely cold when I try to chat to them. Girls that previously 'asked me out' don't have time for me, and I can't seem to meet new people at all...I just don't know how to go about it. I'm really serious getting mixed signals from a few girls (prolly cuz I've given out mixed signals myself in the past). One girl texts and emails me really nice messages, but whenever I meet her in person she's completely/ seemingly disinterested, sometimes bordering on rude.

 

I now see I've been out of the loop in terms of dating, and I don't actually know how to go about even meeting someone, nevermind asking someone out. I feel I'm in a terrible rut! All of my friends (in and outside work) are married or in long term relationships so usually sit in at the weekends, so I'm starting to go out to bars again, sometimes on my own, but I just feel so out of my depth and finding it really difficult.

 

I've never really had a problem with dating before, but I think my confidence is so low that I think it gives off a terrible signal to ppl. So when I wasn't interested in dating, I was relaxed and at ease and found it easy to chat and meet ppl, but now I'm thinking about dating the signals I'm giving off (either lack of confidence or seeming naivity) is killing my chances of meeting someone.

 

I just don't know what to do. I would really like to meet some new ppl, even for friendships, but I think I'm probably going about it all the wrong way.

 

I hope I've put myself across properly in my post. Any advice would be really appreciated and I'm not sure what to do.

[Lovegod]

This is where my problem lies. I don't think anyone is interested in me in 'that way'. I don't think girls see me as being someone to date.

 

They probably don't. Are you interesting? Are you a sexual being? Are you funny? If you're just a plain donut, you're going to be passed up for the more colorful and interesting ones.

 

but whenever I meet her in person she's completely/ seemingly disinterested, sometimes bordering on rude.

 

Probably because you're boring. May I ask, what in the hell are you talking to these women about? The weather is boring. Work is boring. Your computer is boring. Your car is boring.

 

Now, think about what are interesting topics to talk about? Here's one:

 

Sex

 

Conversations that touch on sexual topics are interesting. Implement yourself and the woman into the topic, and she'll find you interesting, fun, and see you as a sexual being.

[starlite]

They probably don't. Are you interesting? Are you a sexual being? Are you funny? If you're just a plain donut, you're going to be passed up for the more colorful and interesting ones.

 

 

 

Probably because you're boring. May I ask, what in the hell are you talking to these women about? The weather is boring. Work is boring. Your computer is boring. Your car is boring.

 

Now, think about what are interesting topics to talk about? Here's one:

 

Sex

 

Conversations that touch on sexual topics are interesting. Implement yourself and the woman into the topic, and she'll find you interesting, fun, and see you as a sexual being.

 

Oooh...as a woman I have to disagree with the last part. DO NOT BRING UP ANYTHING ABOUT SEX when getting to know a woman. Figure out her interests, bring up musical taste etc etc.

 

I have learned I tend to find someone when I am not looking. I jsut got out of a 2.5 year relationship and I am not looking at all and 2 people have found me. Casual friendships, both interested.

 

Regardless, try and relax...it'll happen...just dont bring up sex.

[JCD]

I also find people interested in me when I'm not looking. Give it some time and it will happen for you too. Make sure thought that you go out and make yourself visible.

[Lovegod]

Oooh...as a woman I have to disagree with the last part. DO NOT BRING UP ANYTHING ABOUT SEX when getting to know a woman.

 

Why not? As long as he doesn't say something dumb like, "so what do you think about sex?" Bringing light sexual subjects into a conversation is fun, and it makes for great flirting. Saying 5hit like "I saw you looking at me like I'm a sex god" or "quit staring at my butt!" will go a long way.

[daisydufas22]

Why not? As long as he doesn't say something dumb like, "so what do you think about sex?" Bringing light sexual subjects into a conversation is fun, and it makes for great flirting. Saying 5hit like "I saw you looking at me like I'm a sex god" or "quit staring at my butt!" will go a long way.

 

 

No it will not go a long way!

 

Your ideas of dating and flirting are out-of-date!!!!!!!!

[Lovegod]

Your ideas of dating and flirting are out-of-date!!!!!!!!

 

How out of date are we talking? If it went out of date in the last week, then you may be right. If not, then do you care to explain why this works for me?

[KrZyJLyn]

Its hard in general. I decided to leave the dating circuit for almost a year my self. I've begun slowly easing my self into it again, but meeting new people is a bit of a challenge. The only reason I thought it might be a good Idea to try dating again is because 2 opportunities fell in my lap (both friends of friends of mine)... and while I'm not sure either one is what I'm looking for, they at least know where my intentions lie, and I know theres, and I think that is half the battle, and the biggest step.

 

* I think that you have to try to put your self out there, while not exactly looking for it (if that makes sense).

 

I got really good advice from some of my best (male) friends... Just ask the questions bluntly but gently... I know that us women can be rather "tricky" so to speak as how we come across, we want to ask all questions without asking them... and so we never get the answer to the question that we we're looking for... that's something I've been trying to break.

 

* I think gently honest conversations are beginning to be the best thing for those friends who you're not really sure what's going on or what they want.

 

* In the same sense as you, other than friends of friends, I don't really know where to look... and a bar shouldn't be the first place we think of to find someone. I just have no idea where else to look.