MC thinks we're incompatible?

[LankyGuy]

Well guess what, Your goals really don't matter now...

 

I don't mean to be rude, but don't you think you two should have straighten things out before having a child???? Why do you think it is fair to bring a child into this mess you call your relationship

 

No offense taken. It is a mess...it became more of a mess with her health and infertility problems. In the midst of everything, we didn't realize how bad it was. Marriage counselors didn't realize it either. Many told us we had a great relationship..."just work on this and that".

 

My wife was obsessed with having a baby...it took our focus off the marriage, and here we are. I could probably play the "Stepford Husband" and put up with kt, and keep things together. But I want to get this addressed now so that we can have a naturally healthy marriage.

 

Regarding my goals...the major ones have been met and we're basically on autopilot with investments, schooling, etc now. She will be a SAHM and I'm in a job that has very reasonable hours. The baby will come first...which is why I'm trying to address these issues NOW.

[LankyGuy]

Lost4ever...keep in mind that in your R, YOU'RE the rational one...yes, the rational thing to do would have been to get the R figured out FIRST, but my wife was NOT pushing her "plans" to have kids back any further and she thought things were fine, except that "I don't make her feel special". And I enabled that, so shame on me.

 

I was NOT aware that our relationship had so many deeply rooted problems. I always thought it was ME that was the problem...that's what she's always said and "she's the only one who's been unhappy." It was just recently that I started reading and digging deeper into it that I found that there are more problems than we thought.

 

Some thoughts about how we "typical" "simple minded" husbands view Marriage...propagated by our favorite evening sitcoms. Remember, we ARE NOT trained or expected by socieity to be self-reflective on our marriage and our happiness like women are.

• I have no "needs" in the relationship
  
• She's in charge...I just "work" here
  
• As long as SHE'S happy, everything is OK
  
• Yeah, she's bitchy and this is crappy at times, but that's how women are, and that's how marriage is (remember, from a typical guy's perspective)
  
• My main job is to ensure that she has a clean safe home, security, $$ coming in, etc
  
• She's gonna get fat, bitchy, cut her hair short, and become a "mom" ...that's how marriage is...I just have to deal with it
  
• It's normal and to be expected to have little to no sex once you're married...just get used to begging for it and it'll be fine
  
• Whatever I can do to keep the peace is the right thing to do
  
• As soon as I change, things will be great
  
• The marriage is fine...

Just some things I thought about this morning...

[lost4ever]

You know, I really am pissed about this. When a couple decides to have a child it is suppose to be because you believe that the qualities you and your partner have, will make a wonderful human being. You know that you and your partner have a safe, stable, and secure home to raise the child in, so that they have the best chance to be whatever they want.

People should not decide to have children because they are board in their M and figure the kid will excite them. You should not have a child because your M is falling apart and you believe a child will take your mind off the situation, a child is not something to take your mind off of problems and the child is not a solution to any problems you have. I understand when one partner wants to have a child, I have had to hear my H make many comments like: You will not have a child with me because you don't want to be tied down to me, you want to leave whenever you feel like it...well you know what, that wasn't my intention', and I will not let you make me do something I don't want to do. This child needs 18 years of your undivided attention, that's a long time!!!!!! but really, no need to express my feelings now, because you already decided to have the child....btw, in 3 years when the problems start again because of the extra stress of having a chid, please don't decided to have another one

[LankyGuy]

To lost4ever....

 

Well, get pissed off, then. It's not going to help the situation, though. I mis-spoke when I said you are rational...that doesn't appear to be the case. Perhaps I should have known when saw your screen name...

 

We decided to have children years ago. Each of us has qualities that are very desirable in people...yes, we do have our differences. We sure as hell are not "bored"...and I never said we want kids to take our mind off the situation. The stress of child-raising puts more strain on a relationship. We decided to have kids because we think that we can raise someone that will be a responsible, contributing member of society. Plus, it satisfies our selfish needs to have a fulfilling life. Why else do you have kids?

 

USA Today reported that only 4/10 marriages in the US are "happy" marriages...so do you think it's rare to have kids brought up among a shaky marriage...it's the NORM! Of the 50% of marriages that do NOT end in divorce, the majority of them are troubled. I'm trying to take steps to get this straightened out.

 

Do not further drown my spirits by saying shoulda, coulda, woulda, and why did you do that. It's not going to help the situation...

 

We have taken wrong turns somewhere...multiple places and multiple times. We're trying to get this figured out so we know how to proceed. You are living in a dream land if you think that everyone who has decided to have kids has had this magical relationship...And if you're waiting to have a PERFECT relationship, you won't be having children anytime soon. It's NOT POSSIBLE for two imperfect humans to have a perfect relationship. You do the best you can do.

 

BTW, what do the issues that your husband has with you have to do to me? Perhaps you do have commitment problems. Sorry, but this thread is about me...why should I be punished for the resentment you have in your relationship???

[michaelk]

Actually, I sympathize with lost4ever's reaction. Having gone through a situation like yours (unhappy in marriage but not really 'realizing' it, and having a baby on top of that), I know just how difficult things can get. The first couple of years after having the baby are going to be hell. Whatever issues you two are having now are only going to be exacerbated by lack of sleep, hormonal changes, and losing time that the two of you need to fix things to the demands of a little one.

 

As for your argument that the statistics justify having a child in a shaky marriage, that doesn't hold water. You're an intelligent, educated man, and you should know better. Just because a lot of people raise kids in negative environments doesn't make it right. When my wife and I were having trouble, I could clearly see the effect on my kids. Fortunately, we both realized what was going on and started working on it, but not until we were on the verge of divorce. And now that we are both re-dedicated to making this work, the kids are like different people, very happy and thriving.

 

Finally, I take exception to they way you brushed aside lost4ever's comments. Yes, there was emotion behind what she said. Does that invalidate it? No. She was sharing thoughts and experiences with you that she felt were relevant to your situation, just as everyone here does. It's what you came here for, isn't it? People's perspectives on your situation? You said, "Sorry, but this thread is about me." And while that's true, I get the distinct impression that you're using this forum more as a way to vent about your problems than to solicit advice. lost4ever isn't the only one who's comments you've sidestepped. You've done it to LJ and me as well.

 

Because I identify with you in many ways, I really feel for your plight and would like to see you take action to improve things. But it seems as if you're not quite ready to do the hard things that need doing.

 

Best wishes,

 

MK

[LankyGuy]

A

Finally, I take exception to they way you brushed aside lost4ever's comments. Yes, there was emotion behind what she said. Does that invalidate it? No. She was sharing thoughts and experiences with you that she felt were relevant to your situation, just as everyone here does. It's what you came here for, isn't it? People's perspectives on your situation? You said, "Sorry, but this thread is about me." And while that's true, I get the distinct impression that you're using this forum more as a way to vent about your problems than to solicit advice. lost4ever isn't the only one who's comments you've sidestepped. You've done it to LJ and me as well.

MK

 

I apologize if I've sidestepped everyone's comments. I didn't intend to do that. I agree that I may be venting...I feel that too. I am not myself right now. I'm typically a very positive person...as a rule I RARELY vent in any capacity...online or in real life. I've been depressed about this and am sensitive to criticism at this point, I suppose. I guess these are excuses, but I have nothing else to offer.

 

When someone asks "Why did you decide to have kids now?" I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. Unless I'm supposed to consider an abortion, I don't see it as a valid question...what's the right answer? Because I'm a glutton and I like to inflict pain on myself, my wife, and my unborn children?

 

I'm really having a hard time with all of this and I do appreciate the feedback. I probably don't even deserve it. To LJ, Michael, and lost4ever, and anyone else who has responded, I apologize for being brusque or downright nasty. My emotions have been running high and I don't know how to handle it.

 

Perhaps it's time to step away from here and focus on what I need to do.

 

Maybe I'll come back in a few weeks when I have a better perspective on this...right now I'm too volatile to deal with these sensitive issues on a web forum. Thanks again.

[hiswife]

You are doing the right thing. You are coming here for support...and sometimes you start getting mixed messages. You know what is right. You really just need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife.

My husband almost left because of my behavior...and the way that it was effecting our kids. It was a huge wake up call for me.

Nothing that I did to hurt my husband was intentional. And I NEVER meant to cause hurt. And I'm sure your wife hasn't either. Maybe you should let her read what you are feeling. Show her this thread. I wish you the best of luck with your new family. It will be hard, but so worth it in the end. Don't give up on your marriage...that is the easiest way out.

[Virgo1982]

Insecurity. She has to fix herself first. As the MC said. Everyone is analyzing and trying to figure out something that is so blatantly obvious. Why else would she cling to him like that? And there was one poster who compared herself to the op's wife, but she has issues with insecurity too. Why let your husband force a wedge between you and your loved ones? The key to overcoming insecurity is taking your life back little by little. If someone doesn't want to see you happy, they aren't for you. IOW, they shouldn't have to sacrifice much of their happiness to make you happy, but if they give you a hard way to go when you are trying to make yourself happy, there is a serious need to re-evaluate the relationship.

[OpenBook]

Lanky, in spite of the problems you've described here with your M, I get the distinct impression (based on this and other threads in which you've posted) that you REALLY REALLY love your W, bottom line. And you know what? I think that's enough. If the love is still there, you and she can overcome anything. I think you're going to be all right...

[Kenyth]

Nobody ever said marriage was a gravy train on biscuit wheels. It's just like life. It has it's up's and down's. You're not always going to get along, see eye to eye, be sexually fulfilled, etc. If you love each other and have the tenacity, you'll work through it.