Am i doing the right thing?

[amazed]

In advance sorry about the size of the post. Im just trying to give you a good idea of whats happened.

 

My girlfriend of over 2 year broke up with me just over a month ago. We're both 20. Ive posted on here before, when i was a little more confused than i am now.

 

Yesterday I had a chat with my ex over msn, after a concert we were both meant to go see together before we split up, she bought the tickets for my birthday months ago. I had been texting her most of the weekend and she was clearly getting annoyed at this, I could tell because of the either lack of replies or 1 word replies.

 

Part of this was because I had a hard time not thinking about her. I still love this woman and had considered proposing to her this weekend before we split up. However she doesnt know this.

 

At one point she replied to me asking me to 'leave her alone'.. so i sent a text apologising and said i only wanted to let her know id made it to the concert safely. Later on she sent me 2 texts apologising and saying that she was out of order.

 

When i got home we talked on msn. She explained that sometimes she felt smothered when i was texting her because she sees me at university and speaks to me on msn and it feels like she has very little space. I said that was ironic because when we were together we didnt have enough time together, yet now we have too much. She said 'yeah but things are different now'.

 

I explained that it had been hard on me and that i had so many questions swirling around my head. Before, when id tried to talk about us splitting up, she got upset and wanted to pretend as if it never happened and that we could just be friends. However, this time she said that i could ask her any question and she would try to answer me. I asked her why, if she had problems with us being together at the time, couldnt she talk to me about it. She said she isnt sure.

 

The next question i asked was why she felt the need to split. I pretty much answered at the same time as her. Id taken a long hard look at our past relationship and came to the same conclusions. I knew that at times i was immature, and i know that i didnt show her the love she required sexually for the last few months or so. We'd allowed things to get stale. Another thing was i had stalled on us moving in together, due to us both being students and money being a clear problem. I think she also wanted me to propose to her, so that i was more than just her boyfriend.. and i was going too, just a little too late. I wish i had done both these things earlier, i now dont know why i stalled.

 

I explained to her that I feel differently now. I feel that breaking up has actually allowed me to grow and mature. I feel different about things and i know if given another chance we could be perfect together. She said she still sees me as the person she broke up with and she cant help how she feels and i cant make her see things differently.

 

I believe that this woman still has feelings for me and i know that i still love her. I need to show her that i have changed, but find it hard to do so outside the relationship. I dont know if she currently has her eye on another guy but i know she is not dating anyone.

 

I guess currently what i need to do is allow her to see that i have changed but not for her, its just happened. When you lose someone that you love for the first time in your life, that has to change you. It forces you to take a long hard look at yourself and see where you went wrong.

 

In 2 weeks time I am going out with her for drinks and to the cinema. It was meant to be sooner but she said 2 weeks, to give us time to work on giving each other space and working on our friendship.

 

Im not really sure what to do here. I still see her most days at university and speak to her on msn. I want this girl to see that i have changed in a good way. Im just not sure how to do it, i guess ill just have to be myself and hope she notices.

 

Am i going the right way about this? Im trying to give her space. Yet hoping at the same time she realises i am the one for her. Im scared incase im setting myself up for the fall. I know ill feel awful if she ends up dating someone else but its an outcome ill have to be prepared for.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

It's very hard to get a woman to go back. Most women give the man tons of chances during the relationship to modify their behavior (or correct what they think is wrong). Once a woman breaks, her mind is now on coping with the break. It's possible that you will get her back, but it's also possible that she is moving on.

 

Give her the space she is asking for and see what she does.

[amazed]

I know. I think thats the main problem.

 

I feel like i have the disadvantage of us once being together, and her feeling so strongly about things that she was willing to end it. Any other man will have a clean slate to work from. Yet i have the negative feelings from the break up and the while before where things went wrong.

 

However on the other hand time is a good healer and she will mostly remember the good times. Which outweigh the bad by a hell of a lot. I hope she realises how good we actually were together and how much better we could be. I know ive made mistakes and ive definately learnt from them. Any relationship im involved in, in the future, will be a hundred times stronger because of this.

[lexi29]

I would give her all the space she needs. Stop texting her, talking on msn, stop running into her at school. I know it will be hard because you want to keep in contact with her but as long as you do so she is not going to miss you. Maybe you could not talk to her (act busy, find other things to do) until you are supposed to meet her for drinks in two weeks. This will give her time to miss you and when she starts to miss you (because she's used to having you around all the time) she will start to think about the good times you have had and may change her mind. Yes, you run the risk of her meeting someone else during that time as well but its a chance you have to take because if she wants to move on she will do it even if you are still in contact with her every day.

 

I was 23 when I left my bf of five years. He wanted me back in the worst way (he'd hurt me, not by cheating but just lying in general and taking me for granted) and I wanted to stay friends with him but him calling me and wanting to be with me all the time just annoyed me and made me think of all the reasons I'd left him. When he started backing off, started thinking about dating other women and didnt' call me for weeks at a time I started to really miss him and rethink things. I know its hard because you probably want her back in the worst way but you have to give her time and space to miss you. Good luck.

[amazed]

Today she was telling me about a corset shed ordered and said it looked stunning. I told her that she looked stunning anyway and continued to talk about it.

 

She asked me to stop saying things like that, i just sort of ignored it and we kept on talking. Im not sure how that makes her feel. I generally say what comes into my head. I think she looks beautiful so i guess, it just sort of slipped out. Or i subconsiously wanted to let her know i still think shes beautiful.

 

Im not sure if this is a negative or positive thing. I want to discreetly let her know i still have feelings for her in the hope that she'll return them, but i dont want to push her away.

[amazed]

I guess thats one of my biggest problems lexi. Im so scared that if i give her too much space she'll find someone else. Im scared that she may think ive stopped caring.

 

But you are right, i do need to lay off a bit. Its awkward for uni because ive offered to drive her in. And i doubt asking her to get the bus in would have any sort of positive effect. I guess ill just have to see her at university but try to cut her off in other places. Like stop texting her and chatting all the time on msn. We're only in uni 3 days a week for a couple of hours at a time.

 

I also get very jealous if she talks to other guys. I guess thats just natural. Its especially hard because she works in a bar, therefore will have guys hitting on her all the time.