i’m psychotically jealousy or my BF is doing me wrong?

[mcrae]

First time poster here. I could really use some perspective on this situation. My boyfriend and I are at a complete standoff right now.

 

My BF has been becoming close with a female friend/coworker over the past few months. They work together (same field, not same company), and are also in the same job/social network so they often hang after work. I was totally fine with it at first. Compared to many girls I know, I was very zen and open minded. My BF gets a lot of free tickets to plays/live music events through his work. I go with him most of the time, but on two occasions when I couldn’t go and he had two tickets he asked her to go instead. I wasn’t thrilled about this, but I kept it to myself. After one of those occasions, however, someone mistook her for being his girlfriend in front of me after seeing the two of them out together at one of those events.

 

So then they were working together closely for this event that was two weeks ago. For two months they were in constant contact. She would text/call/email multiple times a day at all hours. Phone calls at 11PM on a Sunday, drunken texts at 3AM with updates, once she texted him at 8AM – “U R A SUPERSTAR” - about an achievement he'd made. Side note - Yes, I looked in his phone. We live together and I heard the text message bell at 8am and my curiosity got the best of me. Is this so wrong? I'm glad I saw that, actually, I dont want to be in the dark! I was confused, uncomfortable, miserable about her for those two months. I felt she was totally unprofessional and that there were no boundaries there. Plus we had just moved in together, so I was like – ***, we’re supposed to be closer than ever and I've never felt so alienated. We fought about it a lot. He maintained the whole time that they were just friends. She was just a really friendly girl (true!) and his friend/business associate. Which I actually believe. I don’t think there is anything romantic going on there. I dont think he's cheating or planning to. But it's weird and I just don’t think it’s appropriate, and I don’t understand why he hasn’t set a boundary with her.

 

So that event ended. I was looking forward to things going back to normal and they wouldn’t be talking so much. Then this past Saturday he was going to two concerts. I couldn’t go because I had school work to do. He ended up meeting her at the first show, and then asked her to go with him to the second concert. He came home to me later that night and when he told me he'd gone given her the extra ticket he prefaced it by saying “Let’s be mature about this.”

 

I flipped. I did. I can’t remember feeling that way before, so angry and hurt. I threw things. I’m still so upset, I feel betrayed. I'm seriously thinking this is a bad sign. On the one hand, it's not like he cheated but on the other hand he clearly has no regard for my feelings (or that is how I see it).

 

He’s telling me I have a problem – I am “psychotically jealous” and controlling and I don’t trust him. I feel like a) He has no regard for my feelings, does not attempt to not torture me or piss me off. b) If she had a boyfriend this would not be going on. c) Why does he need her in his life like this when he has me? We had such a huge fight about it. Now he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, but I do not feel the issue has been resolved. i feel like there are so many issues here that we need to work through, but he just doesn't seem to really care to talk about it..

[reboot]

First of all, one does not have to have intercourse to be cheating.

 

You two aren't married, but since you're living together I assume you expect the relationship to be monogamous. Does he feel the same? He isn't acting like it if so. Does he not have any guy friends?

 

Ok, what's going on might be completely innocent. But when one puts themselves in a position like this, it takes very little, a fight with you, a drink or two too many, and suddenly it's not innocent anymore. If you can't make him understand this, you're a simply a lot more commited than he is.

[JackJack]

*If by chance you do feel "psychotically jealous", you might want to seek help.

 

*However, it could be too, he is making you feel that way so you wont think anything is going on. I can't say for sure if there is or not.

 

But it's weird and I just don’t think it’s appropriate, and I don’t understand why he hasn’t set a boundary with her.

He’s telling me I have a problem – I am “psychotically jealous” and controlling and I don’t trust him.

he clearly has no regard for my feelings

 

*The above statements would be redflags if it were me. It very well could be harmless, but IMO it also sounds as if he is trying to justify his behavior with her. All these concerts he is going to, why can't he go with guy friends?

[amaysngrace]

Yeah I was thinking the same thing...why doesn't he hang out with his buds?

 

That makes it seem suspicious to me. And why was the other one mistaken for his GF? That sounds strange to me too.

 

If you tell him it bothers you and he refuses to respect your feelings about it then I would say he's a d-bag. And whatever he has going on with her means more to him than what he has going on with you.

[PandorasBox]

Next time you know there might be a concert coming up, you should try really hard to be able to make time to go. So next time he says he has tickets, act really excited and tell him, "surprise hunny, I can go with you to the concert." Watch his reaction real careful might tell if he is disappointed he didn't get to ask her or not. He is probably assuming you wouldn't be able to go.

 

I think he is spending to much time with her. He should be hanging out with other friends, not her. Its one thing for something to be work related but another to be going to concerts together, texting etc. He is making you feel you're in the wrong for what you think and how you feel, that is what happens alot of times when they want to throw someone off the scent of their trail, when they might be doing something they know is not right. Even though its possible it might not be cheating in the physical sense, he must be getting something out of hanging out with her, or he wouldn't keep asking her to these concerts, and he would probably have more respect for how you feel on things.

[whichwayisup]

Well, he is knowingly spending extra time with her, and is well aware that it is wrong and that they have a friendship, not a professional working relationship.

 

I think you both are feeding off of eachother's reactions and it's not helping. Take a break, back off abit and see what happens. IF he continues on his own to spend more time with her, (uhmm, does he not have ANY other friends, like male buddy's he can go ask to the concert if you can't go, why does it have to be her everytime) then you need to think about the relationship and if he is worth fighting for. Don't understand why he is continuing being friendly with her when he knows it upsets you soo much.

 

The other thing you could do, is spend more time with him while shes' around. Just see what their dynamtic is, the way she looks at him, or him at her. IF anything is going on, I'm sure you'll pick up on a vibe.

[mcrae]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

He does have guy friends, a lot of them actually. He has maybe like 4 or 5 close friends he'd want to hang out with several hours one-on-one in a concert situation, and she's one of them now. Always in the past he goes with a guy if not with me.

 

Truth be told, I had said I might go out with him until the last minute that night and canceled at the last minute. The tkts were freebies, and he always has free tkts to stuff through his job. I always get first dibs on a show, and 90% (well maybe 75%) of the time I’m that supportive, enthused, concert-going girlfriend. So he'd been saving the extra tkt for me.. He said he then asked one of the guys to go then and he couldn’t, and she was just there when he was heading to the other show, he had the extra ticket, and she was willing to go.

 

I really don't think there's romantic sparks between them. But there is something.. I think she's acting like he's her surrogate man/pretend BF in her life now (about 4 mos ago she was dumped). I will say in his defense that he's not reciprocating the frequent contact stuff. But he also hasn't made it clear to her that calling late at night is not cool. He's a really good man on the whole. There's probably part of him that likes her attention (she is attractive), and part of him that genuinely likes her as a person, and part of him that doesn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by telling/showing her to back off.

 

We are monogamous. I love him very much and was feeling really good about our relationship. But this situation makes me feel like he's being shady and it's making me question everything. I also would never do this to him. If he told me he was uncomfortable about a man in my life and it was justified or even if it wasn't justified but showed a normal degree of jealously, I would back away from that other guy no questions asked. I would not ask him one on one to a show even if I had a free ticket to the most coveted rock concert ever.

 

While I agree psychotically jealous is a mean thing to say, we had been fighting for like 3 hours and I continued to press the issue at 5AM when we both were really tired. I was acting kinda crazy.. I was out of my mind upset/hurt to tell you the truth. It was then that he said that to me.

[mcrae]

whichwayisup -

 

Don't understand why he is continuing being friendly with her when he knows it upsets you soo much.

 

This is exactly why I am continue to get more and more upset! He says this is controling of me, as nothing is going on between them and they are just friends.

 

 

The other thing you could do, is spend more time with him while shes' around. Just see what their dynamtic is, the way she looks at him, or him at her. IF anything is going on, I'm sure you'll pick up on a vibe.

 

The thing is I really don't sense chemistry between them. I saw them greet each other in a recent social situation - neither of them knew I was there yet - and it was a totally innocent, almost cold greeting.

[PandorasBox]

But this situation makes me feel like he's being shady and it's making me question everything. I also would never do this to him.

 

That is the bottom line here, and something to keep in mind.

[popey]

He said he then asked one of the guys to go then and he couldn’t, and she was just there when he was heading to the other show, he had the extra ticket, and she was willing to go.

 

of course could totally be true, but I find this hard to swallow. what a coincidence. the girl he previously took to concerts, and you expressed displeasure about... just happened to be at the first concert AND he couldn't find ANYONE else to go to the second concert, AND SHE on the other hand, was willing to go on a moments notice.

[BlueEyedSarah]

He is not respecting your feelings, he is being selfish and sounds like he is defending her rather than having a mature adult conversation with you. I think something is up, sounds like more than a friendship to me. I would go to my family for a few days to clear my head, get away from him! He doesnt sound worth the time or effort to be honest.

[squeak]

read the book, or just browse through "not just friends"

By the way, you are absolutely not psychotically jealous.

[CauseICan]

There is something to say about intuition. In my opinion, this whole situation has many ‘red flags’ in it.

 

I think you need to take a step back and reexamine what is going on. Or, and this may not be the smartest/sane thing to do, but it is effective, find a third party person and ask some questions. i.e. someone who knows both of them in social setting, and see if they think that something could be going on, or have they seen something.

 

Another thing that has me worried is the way that he reacted totally irrationally about it (as your telling me). That to me says that he has something to hide.

 

Tell us how this all turns out

[Carbine]

Psychotic, psychotic, psychotic...god i'm so sick of that word. How many times have I been accused of being psychotically jealous for merely raising concerns like the OP...legitimate, reasonable, real concerns might I add. I've come to the conclusion that "you're psychotically jealaous" is the general male response when the realities of what it means to be in a MONOGOMOUS relationship gently start to hit home...

 

Your bf is being (and I'm sorry to have to be so blunt) a complete f***tard. I don't know if he's cheating or not, but for crying out aloud - if he can't understand the pain and difficulty and unfairness hes putting you through then he's not only a f***tard, he's also an imbecile.

 

You've put up with enough. He can't have his cake and eat it too. If he wants a successful, committed relationship with you then he's going to have to make some sacrifices.

[mcrae]

Thanks again for all your feedback. It IS really therapudic to hear from all of you, even if the concencus seems to be that he's being a jerk.

 

Even if he thinks it is just an innocent friendship, I seriously doubt it is so innocent for her. He clearly doesn't understand women too well. As someone pointed out, she is just too willing to drop everything and consistently go out with him on 2 minutes notice. I don't know any girl who would at the drop of the hat go to a concert she didn't even know about *unless* she really liked the guy, like more than platonic. She was just broken up with. I feel like at the least she's turned to my BF to fill some need that she has right now. Hence the incessant/flirtatious calling/texting. Maybe I am just naive or just have really good girlfriends, but I don't know ANY girl who'd behave this way with a taken guy. Out of respect for the other girl, out of respect for herself!

 

But of course ultimately HE asked HER to go with him, knowing full well or forgetting or choosing to ignore that I had said so many times I was uncomfortable about her.

 

I'm still so pissed and confused. We haven't talked about it again. I'm trying to laying low. If for some reason he's playing games with me, testing me, or something. I'm trying to be cool, though I did already lose my cool and I'm hurting inside.

 

What worries me is I'm completely consumed by this. For the past three days it's all I can think about. I have a full, busy life too, but this depressed feeling is just taking over. I don't think I can go to my family right now. They're very protective of me and reactionary. If they knew about this, or even knew that something had happened that

made me have to leave, they would flip out.

[squeak]

Oh I feel for you, maybe you also need to feel more in control here-can you call her up when you see she just sent an inappropriate text and say something like "me and my BF are in the middle of something-why are you so desperate to text him all the time? ". Or maybe just an angry flat out "you know it is really not appropriate to text my BF at 8AM /11PM-and it is going to stop-do you understand?" and then take the rest up with your BF.

 

If he defends her at that point, or apologizes to her-then you will see even more where you stand. But i think it is important you don't feel totally powerless here, especially as you are living together and it is in your face. You have a right.

 

Is he answering her texts with enthusiasm too? Or not? That says a lot with how much room you have here. It is true he is allowing her in, but the tactic is by confronting her you are also creating a strong boundary line and you need to see if he will cross it or not after that.

 

This is a really bad situation, and for strategizing purposes, you need to do something extreme to make him end it or so you can see for yourself where this is going, then after that you can decide how you feel about it all.

 

I would def recommend taking the phone away, getting her number and being in her face because that puts him a a very uncomfortable position and will bring alliances and loyalties to a head very fast.

 

The alternative is to wait patiently, and be consumed every day, I say be a total B*tch.

[whichwayisup]

Do your best to keep busy. The depressed feelings are normal right now, but try not to let them take over.

 

The bottomline of this, sadly, you can't control him, or her. You can only control yourself and how you react to all this. The more you push him, the more he'll get pissed off and clam up, maybe even go to her more. What you can do though is, make special time for him - Plan an evening out, just the two of you. Make him realize that he does have YOU in his life. Act happier around him (even if you need to fake it), act like nothing is getting to you (even though it is) and things are fine. See how he reacts to that and how he is around you.

 

This is exactly why I am continue to get more and more upset! He says this is controling of me, as nothing is going on between them and they are just friends.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I saw them greet each other in a recent social situation - neither of them knew I was there yet - and it was a totally innocent, almost cold greeting.

That would actually concern me MORE - an 'almost cold' greeting? Seems like they were working a little too hard to appear nonchalant.

 

She texts him at 3:00 am and at 8:00 in the morning to tell him he's a "superstar" (puke) they attend concerts together, she's one of his 5 'best buddies' - and they're greeting each other cooly in public? That actually is a HUGE red flag.

 

I also find it highly suspicious that his gal pal 'just happened to be at the first concert' so he brought her to the 2nd one. Gosh, what are the chances of THAT happening with THOUSANDS of people going to concerts?

 

I think you have every right to be concerned. SO many affairs start out like this that it isn't even funny.