Wife goes drinking too much for my liking.

[Zebolt]

People change, of course, we don’t stay the same. But how do you know when those changes are such that could become problematic later on? I have always heard about how marriage is a lot of work (and yes, it is) and how many marriages end up in trouble because people miss the warning signs, and then it’s too late. But I don't know, I'm in the middle of my first semester of college and the workload is killing me, so I don't know what's a real concern and what's just a side-product of the overwhelming stress. Hence this post.

 

My wife's been spending a lot of time going out with her co-workers after work. She went out Saturday night and then to a party last night, didn't get home until 1:30am, even though she has to get up at 7. She goes out drinking after work about 3 or 4 times each week. I joined her on Saturday since her co-workers have been trying to get me to come, but I didn't enjoy myself. They're friendly enough, but I don't drink, I hate cigarette smoke, and don't dig the bar atmosphere in general. I'd rather sit in a nice restaurant and discuss Bowie or sociology or the Marburg virus or something.

 

At one point she asked if I were to mind if she smoked. I told her it was her call, although that wasn't really an answer; I felt that she should know by now. We've discussed that before - as much as I adore this woman, I don't think there is any way we could live together if she picked up smoking as a habit since the smell of tobacco is one of my migraine triggers. I didn’t want to be that guy who tells or tries to tell his wife what she should do with her life. I know she has smoked before when she’s been out drinking, hell she may do it every time for all I know. But honestly, I am glad she waited at least until after I had left.

 

It’s not just the smoking that bothers me. Sitting next to her at a bar was like sitting next to a stranger you sort of know, but not really. I left before she did, and I didn’t really even want to kiss her on my way out, it was a bit like kissing someone you barely know. Ever since she started going out with her co-workers, she has changed somewhat. I remember waking up one night at 2:30 in the morning and she still had not come home. I am generally ok with her going out with her friends because she works her ass off and if something helps her chill and unwind, then great, I am glad. I also know she hasn’t had many friends and it’s probably a very liberating experience for her. But boy, was I pissed. There was a part of me that admittedly felt like a married woman has no business being out drinking at 2:30 in the morning when she has to get up at 7, especially since she had called me earlier in the evening at around 7 saying she was going out but wouldn’t be long, just a couple of hours. Much of my anger was just due to worry, but still.

 

Since she started going out with her friends, some aspects of her personality and, admittedly, some aspects of our relationship have changed a bit. She had this small tattoo on her lower back that she got while she was in college, but the tattoo shop had messed it up. She got it covered at a local tattoo place with a much bigger one… The new one is about the size of my hand, and my hands aren’t small by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t know, just seemed unexpected. The old one she had was her own design and had symbolic meaning to it; this one apparently, according to her, does not, it’s just a design she picked. I can’t tell what it looks like, if anything. But it’s her skin and while I don’t generally care for tattoos, it’s not like it’s visible unless she’s not wearing a shirt. If she asks, I say “it’s okay”, I kind of like it, but perhaps if it weren’t for all this other stuff, I’d like it better.

 

For years now, I have been the traditional husband who wants sex once in the morning and twice in the afternoon. But suddenly the tables have turned; she is considerably more aggressive sexually and more interested in trying new things. Meanwhile, I took on more course hours for my first semester than I should have and there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to stay on top of all my studies and I am under consistent stress. I have to take propranolol now to keep my hypertension in control thanks to it. Double that with the fact that I prefer to have sex with someone who is sober, and I am suddenly the one who has the non-stop headache. And the stuff she wants to try, I don’t know where she’s picking it up from. Her imagination? Maybe. Her friends? Suppose so, I guess. Seems more graphic than Americans usually get in their bar conversations, but I don’t know much about modern girl culture. Porn? Doubtful, she doesn’t watch porn that I know of. God, I sound so old. So…square.

 

I don’t know. Maybe I am not looking at this the right way. But last night she commented several times on how hot the waitress was; personally I didn’t think she was hot, but then again I don’t dig the skinny blonde look. Let me put it this way: if she were to suggest a ménage a trois I would not be totally surprised. I’d hit the roof most likely, but I wouldn’t necessarily feel like it was coming from the left field. And this is a girl who'd get upset if I slapped her ass in public. That is how out of touch I feel with her non-home persona.

 

I don’t think I have a non-home persona, and perhaps that is my problem. I haven’t made any friends in college thus far, and probably won’t make any easily since I don’t really have anything in common with anyone, and don’t much care for beer or drinking in general. So I am quite happy to spend time at home; in fact, I relish it. She has always gotten antsy if she had to stay in the house all day long on her days off. She needs to get out and see people. I understand that. I think it’s cool, in general.

 

I brought up her drinking and a-bit-too-often bar hopping a week or two ago, and she said we could dedicate Friday and Saturday evenings for doing “together stuff” and she’d go out on Sunday evenings with her co-workers. That, of course, didn’t stick; as always, she called me after work last night (as mentioned earlier) to tell me she was going out. I figured that’s just as well, why break the routine.

 

The thing is, we barely see each other as is. She is never off on the weekends. Most days, I have to leave for class at 6:45 in the morning. I can’t stay up late because of that. So unless she gets home at a reasonable hour, I don’t see her at all that day. It is hard for me to feel inspired, sexually, with someone I only get to see if they decide not to go out that evening. For a while I stayed up late in the hope of her coming her and we could watch something and have a late dinner or just, I dunno, walk the dogs. I don’t bother anymore – the likelihood is that it doesn’t happen so I’d rather not put myself through the constant disappointment.

 

I’m sure I’m not a jewel to be with either. I don’t do enough around here, I come home after class in the afternoon, and generally speaking take 5-6 hours to study and do my exhausting math homework. So I am sure I am not much company. And when I have time I can use for something else, I prefer to watch a movie or something as opposed to going out with her friends. I took her out to a surprise picnic a week or so ago. That's the stuff I like, the simple things. But for her and her friends, it seems like all they do is drink. And I just don’t understand that at all. It’s just so not me. I don’t understand why they all, my wife included, seem to have this need to have alcohol present for them to enjoy one another’s company. Can’t they go bowling or something instead? Do something that doesn’t require poisoning your brain. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an absolutist nor do I hate alcohol necessarily, I just think it is healthy to sometimes have fun without it.

 

Help me out here. I don’t know as much about what makes marriage work as you do. I don’t know what’s a warning sign and what’s just a natural part of people changing. I know we change and we grow, and that we are supposed to grow together. But if part of that growing means that we proceed to have so very little in common, where does that lead us? I don't think that my dislike of drinking and the bar scene is due to my getting old (I am 30, she's 27), this is how I have always been. And she, as well - that was one of the things I fell in love with her for. She'd rather go for a walk in a park than sit in a bar.

 

I know you're going to tell me that I need to talk to her, not you. And you'd be right; it is just that, before I do that, I need to figure out whether I am blowing this out of proportion and being the traditional overbearing control-freak ******* husband, or whether I am right in being concerned. Because I don't know anymore. I miss feeling significant, I guess. I want to change something in this scenario, but I don't think there is much I can do. I have told her previously that the frequency of the drinking bothers me. She admitted that it is tiring for her to go out so often, yet she hasn't changed that. It seems to me that she has absolutely no willpower to say no to her co-workers. She's gone out a few times after telling me she doesn't really feel like it or is too tired, but she goes anyway.

 

I know she would like me to go with, but that whole booze scene is not who I am, and I have a really lousy time the last time I went. Watching people drown their faces in margaritas while you sip your Dr. Pepper is not as hot as it sounds.

 

I don't know what to do. I have an exam tomorrow and I've barely studied for it, this thing just won't leave me alone.

[bestadvisor]

She very possibly might be cheating on you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it possible that, with you wrapped in in your studies, she simply has time on her hands? You sound stressed and preoccupied beyond the norm, so she may be a little lost on her own. Since you both sound fairly young, she may also still be in "party mode" in contrast to your more serious approach to life and school.

 

You are going to have to talk about how the two of you can create a model that works for both of you. What independent socializing are each of you going to do? How are you going to set time aside for each other? How are you going to grow together rather than apart? Best to try and get the structure and communication in place now. If you think school is tough, wait until you try work and parenting. Hope it works out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Krytie TV]

Don't take this personally, but I want to cut to the chase. In hindsight it makes it sound like your fault, and it's not. These are just my thoughts about my experiences with married women and "non-partying" girlfriends. I can relate to your wife's side of this.

 

I think her perception may be that you're a boring husband. You don't drink and hate smoke, so I'm guessing you "fun factor" for a night out is at about a "0" right? She probably accepted this at the beginning because she loved you and started repressing her own desires to party (I've done this, so I know that feeling). So now she has a group of friends she can go out and drink and have a good time with without having to drag her non-partying husband around.

 

What you're experiencing might be her "bounce-back". You know, once a rubber band gets wound so tight it snaps back? So she's digging that she can now have fun and wants to. It's unfortunate that you don't want to do it with her. You probably gave off a boring vibe when you met her on Saturday, based on your perception of the event.

 

And whoa, are you seriously telling me that her being more sexually aggressive with you is a problem? Waaaa?

 

Also, it sounds like you are incredibly passive. Of course she's going to stray from her word if you don't hold her accountable except for a little comment. That is the first and most important thing I think you should address, your passive personality. It's never hot to women and it gets you ZERO respect with them.

 

I have a couple married female friends that I hang out with occasionally. They are always complaining about how boring their husbands are. When I ask where their husband is, they roll their eyes and say "he didn't want to come". It's really become a joke and no one takes the husbands seriously in the group because they can't be bothered to come out with their wives and have a good time. So yes, they have a good time with us. Sometimes this involves things you wouldn't want to know about, other times not.

 

Age makes a big difference too. If she's 24 - 29, this is completely unsurprising behavior. People change at that age... it just happens.

 

This may be the beginning of the end. And likely will be unless the two of you arrange to meet half way. You need to be able to go out with her and her friends without being a "fun suck". She also needs to spend time alone with you and respect your thoughts. But mostly, you need to get your own life.

 

I regret if you choose to take this negatively. If you step back and look at it objectively, I think you'll see a lot of truth in it.

[sevensisters]

It sounds to me as though she has at last discovered that life can be fun. She may or may not be having sex with someone else but it sounds to me as though you have different priorities in life and it may be time to face facts and start looking for someone else who shares your liking for a somber lifestyle.

[Mrs.C.]

Would you ever just get over yourself? Seriously. Maybe her kicking it up a notch is the equivalent of your being a "first semester college student." Really, you can't be eighteen. The both of you must be trying to accomplish what the rest of us did before we were married.

 

Also, between the talk of migraines and hypertension, I am like, "That's a good story, grandpa."

 

Lighten up for the both of you. Go out with her and her co-workers, be the life of the party, be excellent in her presence, steal her thunder, and then go home and rock her to sleep. For the love of God, don't talk about your frickin medical problems.

[Krytie TV]

I dont think the OP ever came back after posting.

[littlekitty]

That's a shame. Mind you, not all of the comments were particularly helpful!

 

I would have like to have known which came first, his extra hours studying, or her increased social life. I have a hunch it would be his studying.

 

Perhaps his being tied up in college and homework make her feel left out, and that she had filled that time with something else.

 

I have no reason to think they can't still make things work. You don't walk away from marriage just because you're in different places at a point in your life. You at least try to make it work!!