growing up without a father and its harm.

[MonroeVonOh]

I would like some insight please.

 

I would like to know if anyone here has grown up without their father and how it has affected them .

 

I am 22 , my mother and father divorced when I was really young and I only saw my father twice after that , and talked to him a few times before he died in 2000 .

 

I am seeing now that my behavior toward people ( men in general) can be a little off. I abuse alcohol , I starting being sexually active at a young age, i have done every drug in the book more than once. I am always so angry , toward myself , and toward most men that i come in contact with. I became bulimic over a year or so ago and still find myself rushing to the bathroom when I am feeling stressed or guilty, had a falling out with my brother , fight with my mother , and can be really mean to the one man that I have actually fallen in love with. ( which i have posted about here many times) I have been sexually abused by one uncle and one cousin , and have been in many abusive relationships before meeting the man i am with now ( which we finally broke up , my fault)

 

All this , I now know , is due the fact that I cannot get closure from my father. I don't even have a grave to visit .

 

I am depressed and I am at my wits end , i just keep messing up everything I touch and I can't stop , and then i get so angry, so much so that I often think about ending it all , which I have already tried two times, once would have worked but the one person I was saying goodbye to called the cops.

 

inside I am such a sweet and vulnerable and sensitive woman . And I always cry where no one can see me.

 

I don't have many friends I can talk about anything real really , so I am coming here.

 

 

can anyone relate to any of this because a lack of a father figure ??

 

and if so , how are you coping ? what are you doing to get better?

 

because I really need to if I ever want another shot ..with .. anything.

 

or am i just crazy and a loss cause

[heatherd1201]

I am so sorry for the things that you have suffered. I read your story and am amazed at how similar our stories are. There are some slight differences though. In order to try to help you, I need to share some of my story with you, and I hope that you do not mind.

 

I am 23, I'll be 24 in December. My mother and father divorced when I was 2. When I was 7 I went to live with him. I was daddys little girl. The favorite (well at that point i was the only!) In my eyes my father was the greatest person in the world. Then one day he got really mad and he hit me. I was 7 and the man that I saw as the greatest in the world hit actually hit me. It continued for a while, became more often. He used to tell me that he hated me because I looked just like my mother. And he hated her. When I was 8 (almost 9) a natural distaster struck and I was forced to leave and move back in with my mother. Thank God really. I didnt speak with my father until I was 13. I was in therapy for the abuse and she thought that it would help give me closure. That didnt happen. He yelled and screamed and made me feel like the lost little girl I was back then. So I tried again when I was 17. Again, it went very badly. I was in a very abusive relationship from the time i was 15 to almost 18. I was also raped during this relationship. THe guy was just like my father. Which i suppose is normal. Girls tend to follow patterns like that. I became very premiscuous and like you, was doing drugs. Anything to numb the pain. Everything about my life was very casual and very fake until i was by myself. The lost little girl would always come out then. I was in many realtionships that i started and was having fun but the minute it turned serious, I pushed them away. I was very mean and angry towards my mother, and my best friend. They were the only people i could take the frustration out on.

Ive battled with the depression for years now. I have highs and lows, and sometimes VERY lows. My father developed a very bad heart condition 2 years ago. He suffered 3 heart attacks. The family knew he was dying. He called me and in a message told me that he needed to speak with me. He needed forgivness from me before he died. My response to those clse to me was "No, Im not forgiving him. He is only asking for forgiveness because he knows hes going to die. And Im not doing it. He's had almost 15 years." In January of this year I got a call from my sister telling me that he was going to die literally any minute. I rushed there. (4 hours away) I was there when he passes. I never gave him forgiveness. I dont have a grave to visit either because he was cremated.

So.....I wrote him a letter. Telling him exactly how I feel and all the harm he brought me. How it affected everything in my life. I am engaged now and a lot of times my anger gets taken out on him, and its wrong but thankfully he understands. So in my letter I also told him that I won in the end. I have the love of a great man who will treat his children like they are the most precious gift he could ever have.

After I wrote the letter, which ended up being about 4 pages long, I burned it. And I felt better. Everyone deals with things differently. Taking your anger and hurt out on the people that are closest to you is natural and totally normal, but that does not mean that its ok. I am guilty of doing it way more often than I should. But Im learning. I have to wake up every morning and tell myself..."This is going to be a good day. Being alive and having people who love me near me is a gift and I am glad that i can enjoy it one more day".

I know that this post was very long, but if I am going to offer you advice, you should know that I am coming from a VERY similar place you are..

Also know that I have never shared this story with anyone other than those close to me but i can feel your pain and I know what that hallowness feels like, so i shared it with you (and ALL the other people that will read it!). Just dont give up. Giving up makes the people that you leave behind suffer, and that isnt what you want to do. The first step to healing is WANTING to heal..

[MonroeVonOh]

I cried when I read what you wrote . Your right , we do have a very similar past. Im so sorry for what has happened to you .

 

my father was also cremated . I don't think writing a letter and burning it is going to help. I have screamed up to the skies and cried so hard I though I was going to stop breathing and just yelled over and over "look what you have done, you ******* , **** you"

 

I am just so angry , I know I need to work on things

 

but I feel the one thing that I need is to talk to him . and there is no way to do that

 

I'm afraid if I don't do something though

 

well, nothing good will come of it

[heatherd1201]

Im going to copy what i wrote and post it on your other thread. Its where everyone else is, then I'll write again..

[sweetem]

 

I am seeing now that my behavior toward people ( men in general) can be a little off. I abuse alcohol , I starting being sexually active at a young age, i have done every drug in the book more than once. I am always so angry , toward myself , and toward most men that i come in contact with. I became bulimic over a year or so ago and still find myself rushing to the bathroom when I am feeling stressed or guilty, had a falling out with my brother , fight with my mother , and can be really mean to the one man that I have actually fallen in love with. ( which i have posted about here many times) I have been sexually abused by one uncle and one cousin , and have been in many abusive relationships before meeting the man i am with now ( which we finally broke up , my fault)

 

I dont think that you doing these things boils down to the fact of you not having a father. Choices are still made, whether your father is in your life or not. Its unfortunate that your father wasnt in your life, and that you wont get the chance to get closure. However, blaming this on the fact that your father wasn't there isn't the way to solve it.

 

You may have a chemical imbalance that makes your moods unpredictable. Also, the fact that you have been in abusive relationships makes more sense than your father not being around.

 

I would suggest talking to a therapist. At least to get it out in the open, and perhaps they can direct you to a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication, if you wanted to go that route. Point being, you have to deal with YOU. I understand how you feel about your fathers lack of existance in your life, and you didnt have control over it. But you can take control of your life NOW.

 

Its all about choices.

 

Good luck.