I'm married, with an intense crush on someone else.

[transbluency]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and I need help with my situation, whether it be in the form of reassuring words, empathy, constructive criticism or tough love.

 

My wife and I are in our mid-20s and have been happily married for a year after having dated, lived with each other and engaged for a total of 2 years. Unfortunately, we've recently had to start a long distance relationship because she works in another state and I just began graduate school in another (we're 6 hours away from each other). The issue is that I met a girl in one of my classes, and I've developed an intense crush on her. I can't stop thinking about her and lately, it's getting to the point where it's beginning to affect my life negatively (losing concentration in my studies, not communicating with my wife as frequently or in an involved fashion). I think about what it would be like to be emotionally, romantically and sexually intimate with her; I daydream and dream at night of comprehensive and detailed situations of how we would interact in those ways. She's what I would consider the ideal person in terms of everything I would crave in a significant other: beautiful with gorgeous brown eyes, upbeat and witty personality, geeky and passionate in our field of study, and having very specific interests in common with me. She's literally taken my breath away and I never expected to meet anyone like her; I just kind of assumed someone like her never existed.

 

Now, I still love my wife. When I visit her, the feelings I have for my crush linger, but slowly fade. However, just when I get used to our old life together, I travel back home and have to see my crush at school again.

 

My crush knows I'm married and I have spoken with her about my wife. She is definitely not the type of person that would ever consider being the other woman. Even though we have this friendly chemistry together, we're both aware of the boundaries and do not cross them. She's a good girl and she considers me a friend in these circumstances, so in this sense, she is no threat to initiate anything romantically, in my opinion.

 

My questions to you is:

 

Is having intense crushes like this normal? It's just so emotionally strong, and I worry I might do something incredibly stupid like tell my crush how I feel just to resolve my feelings and not accomplish anything.

 

I'm also worried about how I view my wife now. I've always believed her to be the perfect fit for me. We have similar personalities, senses of humor, and life values. We get along great and we take very good care of each other. She's a beautiful person inside and out, and I'm a very lucky person to have married her. The only nitpick I have is that I didn't have the instant, full-blown, butterflies-in-the stomach, heart-pittering-and-pattering feeling when I was with her. It's something I've always had in my other relationships, and it's something that I have now with my crush.

 

Logically, what I should do is not reveal my feelings to anyone, let her go after the term ends, and focus on connecting on my wife. It's not worth risking my marriage over. But damn, right now, my emotions are a complete and utter whirlwind. When I'm with my crush, I'm on cloud nine and when I'm not with her, I'm a complete wreck.

[shadowplay]

What qualities is your wife lacking that you find in this other girl?

[BlueEyedGirl]

Is the girl better looking than your wife?

[spookie]

Your thread made me shiver because, even while you claim that the crush isn't worth risking your marriage over, you provide all this evidence that it is. You explain how perfect the new girl is for you, how while the wife is great and all, it was never like this; you tell us you "almost" want to tell the crush how you feel (and what will happen if she feels the same?), you say you're a wreck without her. It's almost like you want someone to tell you, Go for it!

 

It sounds to me like you got married too young and too fast. You're both still in your mid-twenties, you likely haven't had that much romantic experience, and to top it off, you're each starting new chapters in your lives long-distance.

 

Cheating is wrong, as is attempting to gauge how things will work out with this other chick while you're still married, but in my opinion divorce isn't the worst thing that could happen right now, before you two get too invested/ have kids.

 

If you're in love with somebody else after a year, I'd hate to see how your marriage pans out 10 years from now, when you've grown further apart (as you're bound to at your ages and given the circumstances), and have more pressures on your relationship because of ruts/finances/kids.

[spookie]

If you really want to save your marriage, and you really can't control your feelings for this girl, instead of telling her about them to "resolve" your feelings, tell your wife. Tell her you love her, but the distance, physical and emotional, is causing you to lust for other people, and you want her help in dealing with it so your relationship can weather this separation and come out stronger. You are far less likely to cheat this way, and you'll get to see how much pain the very idea of an affair inflicts upon your SO. The guilt will likely kill your feelings and safe proof your relationship from affairs for at least a while.

[Cobra_X30]

The only nitpick I have is that I didn't have the instant, full-blown, butterflies-in-the stomach, heart-pittering-and-pattering feeling when I was with her. It's something I've always had in my other relationships, and it's something that I have now with my crush. .

 

1st, I want you to realize that nobody gives you that butterflies feeling. You create that, not them. Its something that comes from inside you. If you wanted, your wife could give you this feeling. But its not really that important. Dont put too much stock in a girl getting you twitterpated! It doesnt mean she is perfect for you.

 

Also, you have a really good head on your shoulders. Sometimes, you go through these things. Your young, so crushes will come and go. Just really sit down and put some thought into why absence seems to make your heart go wander.

 

Love, real love, is when you can stare deep into your crushes eyes and think "I choose my wife". Never give up on that!

[BlueEyedGirl]

Yet another thread to prove that all men are crap.

[pyroguy]

Yet another thread to prove that all men are crap.

 

 

Not fair at all. There are plenty of threads from women with the same behaviors, or worse. Also, are you forgetting the alarming rate of female infidelity these days?

 

For the OP. it seems you are both to young. However, since you are married, you need to man up and make every effort on your marriage. Isn't it possible that you don't think about your wife the same because you are currently infatuated with another girl. Your wife really has no chance right now. She's no match.

 

You need to put the same energy into your marriage. If all that fails, then maybe you should consider other altetrnatives, including splitting up.

[bish]

Yet another thread to prove that all men are crap.

 

Not so. This guy needs a serious smackdown from his wife...either that or I hope she finds out, files for divorce and takes him for half his shiit.

And I'm a guy.

 

I have rarely had a faithful woman....can I say all women are shiit?

[justwonderings]

You're in an emotional affair, and you've already crossed the boundaries. Maybe you should leave your wife for your crush. Then in 5 years leave your crush for a new fun chick...so on and so forth. What a charmed life you shall live. You are incredibly typical and original, so I suggest you stay just that way. oink oink

[jr650s]

first im gonna state the obvious. You have a good wife but, you have feelings for this other girl, this distance doesnt help, and from what i can tell this crush is possibly a convenience as your wife is so far away, i have an issue with my GF, but i dont find myself wondering what it would be like with another person, as she is all i can think about, i do have to say this " you dont realize what you have till its gone" this crush may be wonderful to you now but it sounds like you dont know everything about her..who know what may happen if you do give up your wife for her, it may not work out and then you lost you wife, the woman your supposed to love for the rest of you life....yes i know this all sounds wonderful, however being a guy i can see your questioning your sanity, imagine this how would you feel if it was your wife who had the crush and she was thinking of cheating...how would you feel then...honestly i think it would hurt you more than you think...those butterflies dont mean crap when you realize you lost your wife to a moment of what you wish you had when you first met your, i didnt have butterflies when i met my GF but as i got to know her the words I love you slipped out of my mouth without me even thinking about what i had said...do you have to think about what you feel or is it just there?

its a tough question to answer, i wouldnt take the chance finding a good girl is very hard these days...and finding a good wife is nearly impossible...

[Road Rage]

The good old fashioned remedy for this situation is to avoid your crush as much as possible. Cut contact to the very minimum or consider changing your circumstances entirely to get away from her. Even if that means big change.

 

That`s the old way of doing it because the priority would be keeping the marriage intact. Something that is not likey to happen if too much time is spent around this crush. Get too close to fire you get burned. People have always known that.

 

This situation is like a mean dog chained. It can`t bite you as long as you don`t get within the length of the chain. This is about setting priorities in your life. If your wife was dying of cancer it would probably call for some major lifestyle changes. If your marriage is threatened then do what it takes to keep it in together.

 

Yeah, I know, nobody thinks that way any more. People live without hope in the possibility of building happiness over the long term. Whatever has the most thrill in the moment is what is logical to pursue. Not thinking of the big picture. If someone can get married and then have a crush then just go with the crush and dump the wife, how many times can you do that in a lifetime?

 

Almost all marriages involve one or the other having a crush on someone. This can happen throughout the life of a marriage. The marriage has a chance if those married learn how to avoid the chained dog and get on with their life.

[spookie]

The marriage has a chance if those married learn how to avoid the chained dog and get on with their life.

 

Yah, but this marriage doesn't have a chance because they are young, are long distance, have communication problems, and have only been married ONE YEAR and he is already in love with someone else.

 

I mean... if you take the married part out, it's like they'd be breaking up right now. The relationships is only 3 years old and they're going in different directions with their lives.

 

I do NOT believe people should get divorced for no reason but in this case I think they shouldn't have gotten MARRIED.

 

I say either end it now, before come the kids and other, more *binding* commitments, or....

 

Start talking to your wife. Really talking. Put some REAL effort into your R. Maybe get some counselling to talk about your fears, surviving despite the distance and despite the pressure of other people, etc. She should have an interest in the R as well and the way I see it, it's both your jobs to work out this EA so it doesn't turn physical and so that it never happens again. Love takes work. Are you really willing to do it?

[MerryMelodie]

It sounds like the lack of attention from your wife is a big part of the problem. I'm not saying it's her fault but if possible you and your wife should do whatever you need to do to spend more time together! You guys need to put some excitement in your marriage!! Go out for a nice dinner,go away for a weekend,have a romantic picnic together,go to a concert. Your wife probably has great qualities that this crush doesn't! I also agree you should try to avoid the crush. You know how great your wife is, don't forget about her!!

[hippiechick]

I agree with staying away from the crush. You married yor wife for a reason. Long distance relationships are hard and you have to work harder at them. You need to focus your energy into that and not these daydreams about the crush.