Forcing myself into a situation to end the relationship

[pjean]

I love my MM. My heart is so heavy tonight knowing I ended it with him. Making love to him, laying in each others arms, telling me all the sweet things he says...tonight is the last time I will ever feel his kiss, his embrace, that smile he gives to me where it feels he is looking right into me....

 

Even now the very scent of him still on my skin and in my hair intoxicates me and makes me miss him even more. He told me its not the last time. He told me I cant deny him. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am that weak.

 

But, I know I had to do something to provide for our child and in doing so that would definitely end our relationship. Now on the .000000000000001% chance that he divorces his W or she divorces him as a result of the ending or our relationship and the recognition of our child I dont know what will happen at that point. Honestly, would I marry him? Would I want to have a normal family with him? Yes, I would. But, I wont ask him to leave his wife.

 

I hold little if any hope that he and I will end up together. I did not expect him to be so emotionally effected when I ended things with him tonight. I am not strong enough to end it alone. I had to force the attorney action to help finish the relationship. As, I beleive, when he is served tomorrow that he will have nothing but contempt for me and never want to see me again. But, who knows, perhaps his love for me will overlook it.

 

I just want the OW on here to know its the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, leaving the man I love dearly. I am hurting so badly right now and have so much anxiety about him being served tomorrow. I cant barely think straight. I dread that angry phone call i expect to receive from him tomorrow. I dread it. If you cant end it on your own...find something that will help end it for you. Anything!!!!

 

I am not ashamed to say I am weak. I wish I didnt hurt like I do now...and I wish I knew when the hurt would go away. Our baby looks so much like my MM, even he says our baby looks nothing like me. I get to look at the man I love everyday in my childs face...how do I heal from that? How do I let go with that? I dont know...I dont think my heart will ever heal.