how to handle mutual friend's love for husband

[flower]

My husband and I have got married for 5 mths. We have a pretty mutual lady friend who loves him and has been emailing him out for dinner or asking about him. (she did not know my husband gives me his email password to read his mails). I have talked to him before even before we got married about her. He assured me that he has no feelings for this lady, if anything it is just one-way. I trust him. How can I communicate or react to this lady's advances to him?She knows we are happily married. My dad also had such an encounter which led to an affair as that lady friend of my parents persisted through years staying close to us as a family friend. I do not wish such thing to happen in my own marriage. Please help me if you know best what I should do without showing making a fuss. Thanks so much!

[luvmyboys]

Is your husband aware that you're reading these emails? Does he respond back to her? If he is, he's just fueling the fire if he doesn't tell her that he's off limits now that he's married. His first devotion is to you, not worrying about answering her emails.

 

I would say that you should be able to openly discuss this with your husband on how this is upsetting you. He may brush it off, but he still should be sensitive to your needs, not hers. I wouldn't email the woman, myself, though. It's up to him to tell her he's off limits now, not you.

 

You've only been married a short time, don't let this fester and pull you two apart...that's just what this woman is hoping for. I kind of wonder why you call her a mutual friend; friends don't set out to cause problems in their friend's marriage. She's no friend to you, that's for sure.

 

Hope I helped and best of luck.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Good morning from the East Coast, Flower.

 

I’m really saddened to read your post. I know how hurtful it is when you have been betrayed by someone you consider a friend or close acquaintance.

 

I can only go by the facts you have presented in your post. If your husband has indeed given you his email password, than he has also given you permission to log into his account. It’s a gesture of faith on his part that shows he is not attempting to hide his private life from you. Personally, I don’t think that two married people should keep secrets from each other.

 

With that said, I would MOST DEFINITELY sit down as a couple and discuss the situation calmly and rationally. If your husband’s heart is in the right place, he should have no qualms about ending his communication with her. I would suggest having him call her while in your presence to give you the reassurance you need once and for all. If he refuses, hesitates, or tries to dismiss the seriousness of the situation, than he is waving a [color=red]big red flag [/color]concerning his loyalties towards you.

 

If however, your husband is not aware that you are reading his emails, than I must play the devil’s advocate here and suggest that you not say anything…yet. At least not until you see where this relationship is going. If you reveal your source of information too soon, he will simply change his password and you’ll be left in the dark without ever knowing.

 

And I must agree with Luvmyboys. This woman is NO FRIEND. And if your husband does not see that, than he is no “friend” of yours either!

[flower]

luvmyboys and east coast, thanks for your replies. I refer her as our mutual friend as in front of us as a couple, she behaves as a friend. I just want to let you know my husband and I both know her together as a friend from the start. In my heart, she is no friend of mine. We rarely meet. My husband knows I read his mails sometimes but he is not aware that this lady has emailed him for dinner without my knowledge. I had deleted that mail and replied to her through my own email account acknowledging her mail to him and that we can meet her as a couple for dinner as my husband is a busy person so he had entrusted reading his password to me and I replied to his mails sometimes. If I do not reply to her as such, she may emailed him again thinking the earlier mail might be lost. I do not wish to start discussing the matter with my hubby as he is preoccupied with work and might say that I am jumping to conclusions again. My woman instincts have been right so far though my husband claimed I think too much. This lady knows that my husband does not feel for her but apparently, she's a hunter. She refuses to accept the fact that my husband would not be moved by her looks like many men had done so. But through time and persistence, she is trying to do so. As I mentioned in my first mail, my dad is one such man that fallen prey to a woman family friend after many years that particular woman tried her luck. My mum had made a fuss too initially but my dad claimed nothing of that matter and that woman continued to buy us things and meet us now and then till one day, we realised my dad talked to her more than my mum and we could not do anything about it as he insisted that they are just very good friends though we suspect more than that. I do not wish this drama to repeat in my own marriage. As I am newly married, I would not make a big fuss but with patience to wait and see how things go like what east coast suggested. Hopefully, she will be shocked to read my reply and leave him alone seeing that he trust me enough to give his password to me. i discover that men are men, they do not mind extra attention from women thinking that they have the will and can handle these extra attention but actually, they can't through time. For the rest out there, if you have opinions to share, you are most welcome!

[HokeyReligions]

You don't have to make a fuss, but calmly tell your husband that this woman is not behaving as a friend to either of you and that you don't need or want that stress in your life. Tell your husband that he needs to tell this woman good-bye and have no further contact with him or with you.

 

You need a clean break and you need to get this woman out of both of your lives.

 

Tell you husband about your father. Even though you are a different couple and really can't compare what happened to your parents or make predictions about your future, the mere fact that this makes you uncomfortable and is hurting you should be all it takes for your husband to put an end to it.

 

There are ways to block emails so you can block all emails from her.

 

If you husband knows how much hurt this is causing you he shouldn't have a problem with it. This is just one of many stresses that come along in life and they don't wait for any other pressures from work or family and must be dealt with as they happen.

[Bryanp]

Flower:

 

I am sorry but I disagree with everyone else and believe you should make a big fuss out of this. How do you think your husband would react if he knew that another man was seeking your attention and wanted to date you behind your husband's back? The attitude of your husband is disrespecting to you. He should email her and tell her he is happily married and not interested and will stop all communications if she continues in this manner. I believe that your husband is encouraging her behavior by not being proactive in stopping this now. Again if the roles were reversed I bet your husband would have a totally different attitute toward this issue.

[flower]

Thanks Bryanp for your view. However, I had already deleted that dinner invitation email from my husband's email account without his knowledge. (may be wrong of me but I don't even want him to read it). So, hard to make a big fuss. The lady is a Japanese so let's call her J. She has yet to reply to my acknowledgement of her email. If she does not due to embarrassment, I will ignore this episode. If she does, I will then think again what I should do - to go to the dinner together with my husband (letting him know that J has asked for one, saying that she emailed me instead of him) or tell my husband to write to J that we do not wish to go out with her. Before our marriage 2 yrs back, J had ever homestayed for a week in my husband's parent's house without my approval. At that time, we were just about to be steady boyfriend/girlfriend, so I thought I have no rights in the decision as it is his house no matter what. I did let him know about my unhappiness over that independent decision of his. From that time, I was more cautious of J. We are staying in Japan now as my husband is posted here for work purposes for a few years. J knows where he works, office no and office email. I just have to trust my husband totally.

[Reckless]

You say "...I do not wish to start discussing the matter with my hubby as he is preoccupied with work and might say that I am jumping to conclusions again..."

 

You are definitely making more work for yourself by taking this out of your husband's hands. He loves you and I presumes wants your union to be successful - it would be a good idea now to learn to work as a team since this will not be the last person that will finds one of you attractive. You should sit down and calmly but firmly explain how you feel about the situation (including the deleted email). It will then be up to him to give this woman a good firm kick up the rear side for upsetting his wife so much. She will take no for an answer if your man says it and means it making it clear that this behavior has to stop or the 'friendship' is over with a capital 'Oh'.

 

I personally don't fight off other women from my men, they fight for me and are happy for the privilege - give your husband the amnunition and let him make you proud.

[sygma]

This woman is your husbands baggage, and although it is a problem that effects both of you I say it is his resbonsibility to take care of it once and for all by getting her out. IF you agree with that - then I think you need to tell him how you feel and make it clear that you want him to end it. He won't know how you feel unless you tell him.

 

Good Luck to you

[flower]

Reckless and Sygma, thanks for your views. J did not reply to my email till now. She must have been highly embarrassed. I had asked my husband at bedtime last evening whether he would agree to a dinner date should a pretty girl ask him out. He gave me an assuring negative answer and that he already have me waiting at home for him to have dinner. I was glad to hear that...had the effect of "pain-reliever". Thanks for your time in helping me!