Long term 2nd time around?

[jasmichaels]

Mark and I dated for 2.5 yrs. He was my first serious relationship (first in all aspects if you know what I mean). Towards the end, we discussed wanting to get married. I was 20. He was two years older. I was thrilled but then became paranoid with questions like "what if this is the wrong guy?" "shouldn't I date other people not just my first bf?", etc, etc. I unwisely broke it off.

 

Three months after breaking it off, I asked him back. No man compared to him and I had been young and stupid. However, he was really angry. Unbeknownst to me, he had bought an engagement ring, told his friends he was going to propose and then I had broken up with him out of the blue and crushed and made a fool of him. So he said no bc if we got back together now, he would be resentful and not the great boyfriend he was before.

 

I did the whole pathetic calling, etc. for a month and then quit contact. I thought it was a lost cause and he was the "one that got away". Then in early october, 9 months after the breakup and 6 months after he turned me down, he contacted me to meet up. We did, he said he still loved me and wanted to try our relationship again, slowly so we could rebuild. I agreed.

 

It has been 3 weeks now and things are just moving so slow it seems. He says he loves me, takes me to parties and introduces me as his girlfriend (but we are exclusive, but not official, if that makes sense), but I am the one to call to just to "chat" and we don't spend more than two times together/wk. Frankly, I feel he just isn't into me. He just doesn't seem as affectionate as before. And marriage is def. not on his mind anymore, as he made it clear he wants to take it slow. He said we should concentrate on school and career while slowly making our way to how things were.

 

Am I being paranoid? When a guy says he wants to go slow does he really mean just that? AM I just reading into every little thing bc I don't understand why he wants me back and I feel guilty?

[KittenMoon]

It has been 3 weeks now and things are just moving so slow it seems. He says he loves me, takes me to parties and introduces me as his girlfriend (but we are exclusive, but not official, if that makes sense), but I am the one to call to just to "chat" and we don't spend more than two times together/wk. Frankly, I feel he just isn't into me. He just doesn't seem as affectionate as before. And marriage is def. not on his mind anymore, as he made it clear he wants to take it slow. He said we should concentrate on school and career while slowly making our way to how things were.

 

If this guy felt anything like some of the dumpees here, he was utterly and completely devastated, moreso than you will probably ever understand, unless you experience it yourself. Because of this, you need to be ultra-sensitive to his need to take it slow. He's probably living with the fear that today you seem into it, but what about tomorrow?

 

Trust takes a long time to rebuild, and if you have any intention of sticking it out with this guy, you need to take the time to let that trust rebuilt itself. And if that means slowly over months and months, maybe even a year or two until you guys are out of school, so be it.

 

If you have the resolve to make this work, stick with it. If you think you can't deal with the necessary slow rebuild, end it (again) and save both you the eventual heartache.

[wowIlose]

He probably is being extremely cautious so he doesn't get hurt again. Like the above states you must be willing to give him time and you must reassure him in every possible way that you are for real this time.

 

If you have even an ounce of doubt in your mind than please don't drag this out. If your 100 percent sure this is the guy than wait, give him time and you two should eventually become closer.

[myhotrod123456789]

Ah! "Take things slow". This has been plagueing me for the past year with my ex. I know all situations are different, so I won't try to make many parallels. However I will say that I know where you are coming from and it is difficult to deal with. It is very hard to go from having experienced a "perfect" relationship to then having one person not be into it as much as you are. All I can say is that I highly advise you to look at who you are as a person. If you are needy and are going to be unhappy without the attention that you want, then you are going to be very unhappy because your frustration will seep into your interactions with him and will be a slow painful ending. In regards to your situation, I would say that you are still very young to be waiting around for something like this. I would try to go on dates and give them an honest effort. You don't need to start relationships if you don't want to, but you need to see what else is out there. My ex was my first and there was a part of me that was happy after the break up so that I could look to see what else was out there. I have had a semi-serious relationship with someone else and have dated some and I am still hooked on the ex. Things are coming along, but it can sometimes be trying.