First Boyfriend / She "Wants to see what's out there"

[dangerpanda]

Alright, question time.

 

20 year old woman has never had any kind of relationship or intimacy besides kissing. I am her first love, first boyfriend and her first and only sexual partner.

 

I met her in summer 2003. We kept in touch sporadically online and via phone up until 2005 when I left for the Navy. All the way through boot camp, school, and my first ship she kept in constant touch. She went to Paris in August 2006 for a year international exchange and in November 2006 expressed her attraction to me, she liked me for a long time, she's had these feelings, she'd been watching me with other girls, waiting for her chance, etc and she was happy I liked her too.

 

We started a LDR and she came out to see me in February 2007 for 2 weeks - Valentines Day. This was when she lost her virginity. After she went back to France, we kept it strong. I have always been nice, strong, supportive and caring. We decided next best time to get together was for her birthday and my birthday (Sept 28 - Oct 10 2007). She moved back to California from Paris in July. Around this time I fell pretty hard in love with her and still am.

 

Since returning home to California, she has broken up with me 3 times. Every time, she says it's because "she's confused", she "can't get her heart and mind in sync" and that her friends insisting she needs to spend more time with them, and I don't deserve her.

 

Her friends are all single/casually sleeping around and don't understand/endorse committed relationships.

 

 

2 weeks ago, she buys me a ticket to California. She wants me to meet her parents - and I do. The understanding was I come meet the parents, leave for 7 months, come back and we get married and move in together in Washington DC. I was ready to propose and everything. I had the ring the entire time I was there.

 

I am told I can stay at the house and don't have to get a hotel.

About two hours later, her friends show up and when the dad asks the friends about me, they tell the dad:

• we've broken up before,
  
• details of arguments,
  
• names called back and forth
  
• I have multiple girlfriends in the military
  
• I have cheated on her
  
• They even called me a stalker and falsely accused me or hitting her.

The dad asks me to leave. I try to explain and am told to "shut the hell up and get out." Understandable.

 

As I leave the house, she and I end up talking in her driveway for +4 hours.

She says she wants to see what else is out there, her friends don't accept me or like me, I may cheat on her in the military, her dad doesn't like me now because "her friends were just trying to look out for me."

 

I leave with the understanding she needs time to cool down and stop being stupid.

 

2 days later, she changes her number. I have no contact with her the rest of the time I'm in CA (Oct 2 - Oct 10). Upon my return home, she sends me an email saying:

• she doesn't love me anymore.
  
• she hates me.
  
• I'm "verbally abusive".
  
• She "doesn't want to be a "submissive girlfriend".
  
• She has no regrets.
  
• Her friends hate me.
  
• I need to move on.
  
• We were never meant to be together.

Since that time, she has kept in touch with my two little sisters and my best friend (guy). All three have brought me up in conversation, and all three times she said she's "keeping busy and trying to move on".

 

Her and I also share 7 or 8 mutual friends and she has told all of them she is moving on and wants nothing to do with me. Currently the mutual friends and her girlfriends (all females) are engaged in some sort of war over whether this was really messed up not. The mutual friends are really supportive of me even though they are all females and have know her longer and despise this group of friends she works/parties with.

 

She is a late bloomer (the girl didn't have her first kiss until she was 19) and I knew there was a risk this 2008 college grad would go "wild" and "want to be free" when I entered into the relationship. But I figured she would - and she was - be faithful and I could have something serious, which is what I'm looking for.

 

From the beginning of the relationship, she stressed:

• I stood out from all the other guys.
  
• She was attracted to my intelligence as well as sexually/physically.
  
• I had "a drive that she loves, and a charm that sweeps her off her feet."
  
• She liked that I was culturally aware and diverse.
  
• She said - many times - she liked that "I know what I want."
  
• She wanted to get married almost immediately.

Her girlfriends:

• Don't go to school/college (she's the only one)
  
• haven't traveled to Europe/abroad (she just did a year in Paris, int. ex)
  
• aren't financially stable (her parents are loaded)
  
• they party and club excessively (they have even given her a nickname, "Smashley" because of her low alcohol tolerance.)
  
• They had absolutely no contact with her when she left for the year in France. It was not until she returned to America they talked/hung out again.

Will she come back?

 

About myself:

• no tattoos
  
• no piercings
  
• no kids/"baby mama" nonsense - no children PERIOD.
  
• no drugs - ever
  
• social drinker
  
• very proper/articulate (so I'm told)
  
• socially/culturally aware
  
• opinionated
  
• patriotic
  
• no kids.
  
• stable family
  
• stable pay
  
• stable job
  
• EXCITING job - military intelligence
  
• women always tell me to smile more, they like my smile, etc.

Color me conceded, but I think - and have been told - I'm the perfect "take home guy" - so what happened?

 

I'm military and am leaving for seven months next week, so she's got and I will give her plenty of time to figure out what she wants. I hate the indecisiveness and flakiness. The girl told me she wanted a committed relationship and then apparently changed her mind because her "friends" don't approve. Not to mention the family think I'm some kind of wife beater/player now.

 

Is this feasible or no? I want a serious. committed relationship with her. Distance should not be an issue when I return as I will be in the states for the foreseeable future and she graduates college June 2008.

 

I am more confused and annoyed than hurt. It makes absolutely no sense to me, and is beginning to impact my work/concentration.

 

Tell me what you guys think. Can this work? Fixable? Will she come back?

[thelegend]

hello brother i'm gonna try to help you as much as possible. The answer to your question is a two part answer. 1 she will attempt to come back if you were good to her. But the second part is do you want her back? I mean you named off all your qualities and all that. You named the things that was attractive to her. If you truly have all that going for yourself then why sell yourself short? Look at you, you are unhappy at the moment and you are needy no woman on God's green earth is gonna want that. My advice to you my brother is take as much time as you need for yourself. This is time for you to be selfish with you. I know it hurts worse than anything but she is an ex for a reason. And if you focus on you long enough someone else will take notice also.

[FindingMyselfAgain]

Seriously dude?

 

Not a freakin' TINY chance in hell.

 

Sounds like it was pretty decent on your side, but a nightmare on hers, except for the beginning time. Kinda like it was with my gal. I assumed it was as good for her as for me towards the middle and the end.

 

It wasn't.

[dangerpanda]

Why wouldn't there be a chance?

The girl's been pursuing me for 2.5+ years, she can't forget about me that fast, can she?

 

I wish it was cut and dry like she cheated, or she didn't like anything about me, etc but that's not it. She told me to my face she wants to see what else is out there because her friends are all out having fun, and she's OK risking that I may not take her back this time.

 

I'm in love with her. I've been in 4 long term relationships, and 15+ girlfriends, I'm not just saying it.

 

I guess I'm hoping I wasn't some sort of rebound from a guy she couldn't get to commit (like a first choice, etc) or she just said she loved me because I was her first.

 

It's gonna kill me if she turns into some kind of slut, which, with these friends of her's, isn't out of the question. 10 minutes after meeting one of these girls, I was forced to listen to one of these chicks talk - OPENLY - about getting gangbanged in TJ. My ex's younger sister was just listening in awe, like it was cool...

 

I've done my fair share of dirty ****, but whenever I'm around her friends I feel like I'm in a whore house, seriously.

[Lizzie60]

you seems to be 'desperate' and the 'clingy type'... I say forget about her.. you can't force someone to love you...

 

What is it you don't understand.. she doesn't want you... period...

 

Sorry if I'm harsh but you need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself ... be a man and move on... just leave her alone...

[dangerpanda]

you seems to be 'desperate' and the 'clingy type'... I say forget about her.. you can't force someone to love you...

 

I'm desperate?

 

That's funny. She begged me to date her exclusively.

That's why I'm posting here, she has your nonchalant attitude about not following through.

 

What is it you don't understand.. she doesn't want you... period...

 

Is that why she's still talking to my parents and my sisters?

Also, she went to my best friends house in an effort to patch things up, I had to stay with this guy because of her BS and her temper tantrums.

 

Also - you're going to tell me you'd fly a guy out to see you, not to break up - but to throw a temper tanturm and change your number?

 

Than can be done over the phone...

So - yes, she does. She's just surrounded by people like...you.

[thelegend]

Brother she's playing with you. If she wanted you she'd be with you. You must learn to accept that brother.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Sorry, but I agree with GF. I too, dated the perfect guy (my first boyfriend). But I knew that if I didn't break off with him, I would marry him, and I didn't want to marry the first guy I kissed, loved.

 

I played the field and although I will always care for my first, I do not regret my decision.

 

Let her go to explore.....

[4whatItsWorth]

I agree with BEB...I never wanted to marry my first boyfriend either. Even if she did marry you...she'd ALWAYS wonder what else was out there. Even if she comes back...it wont be until she's been with other guys and realised perhaps you were the best of them so far.

 

I know you love her...but there is a huge difference between 15 exes and none...

 

And...I broke up with my boyfriend the day after I got back home. So, just cos she sent you over doesn't mean anything. I pretended things were fine for a week until I dumped him. I know it sounds so cold...but that's the way that it can be.

[vivrantflo]

Hey dude, whats up

 

Dude, you can do much better than your ex. If she's not into you, flying you to Cali to meet her parents was pointless, and ignorant.. wasting your time like that. If her friends are sluts and participate in immature sexual behaviour, chances are you ex HAS done it to, or will be. Women in groups like that follow each other, so let her go man. You don't seem clingy or desparate.. you're just a man that wants his girlfriend.. Who knows why Lizzie was so damn hard on you.

 

Move on man, you can find a woman that's worth your time and effort, cause it's sure as $#!t not her.

 

Peace

[dangerpanda]

Even if she comes back...it wont be until she's been with other guys and realised perhaps you were the best of them so far.

 

I'll be gone for 7 months - so me and her would have been seperated for that amount of time, anyway...

 

Will that be enough time for her to figure this out, or will it take multiple successive boyfriends, etc?

 

It's killing me knowing that we were planning a life together, I was seriously considering getting out of the military and working for a contractor so I could spend more time with her, and now that's all in flux because her friends want to party.

 

It's so frustrating. She said she wanted commitment. I did that. So what now? How many other guys is it gonna take?

[dangerpanda]

If her friends are sluts and participate in immature sexual behaviour, chances are you ex HAS done it to, or will be. Women in groups like that follow each other, so let her go man.

 

That's not really going to happen, is it?

[dangerpanda]

I just thought of something...

Am I being set up as the ultimate fallback? Break up with me before I leave, go absolutely CRAZY while I'm gone, and then beg forgiveness when I come back?

 

If so, that's scary.

Ladies, is that what's going on here?

 

I'm the only one with no contact, everyone else including my family and friends can reach her and she talks back. Also, she doesn't have a new boyfriend yet.

[tomwiz]

"wants to see what's out there"-sampling other weiners, its even more deadly than the hated "i just need time"....she wants to rewrite history about you guys, she's thrown in the towel

[MattyTee]

It's times when I read threads like this that I just want to give up. Seriously? Playing the field, seeing what else is out there? Are we in a f'ing toy store? *rant rant rant*

[WiseOne]

Your ex sounds exactly like one of my old ex's in my past around 4 years ago. Im going to tell you somehting you wont believe until it happens, and somethiong you dont really want to believe, YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR EX.

 

I did everything in the book to get my ex back, but one day your going to meet someone whos way better than her, whos sexier, whos smarter, whos everything better than her, and when you do your gonna feel like a fool for any second or minute in your life you spent on her.

 

The truth is that females always called men no good, but lately since 2002 hit women have been on the rampage, "Vica Versa".

I know feel so dumb that i even wanted her back in the first place i mean i met someone way better lookin and that treated me like she cares way more for me than my past ex every did.

 

Please dont make the same mistake i did live your life to the fullest nd get out and date even if your not over her, i spent 1 year being single and being sad thinking about my ex thats one year of my life gone that i can never get back.

Thats one year of my life i could have spent on someone who really deserved that treatment.

 

Ps. when girls say they need time or when they say they want to see what else is out there Translation: they wanna sleep around they wanna **** all kinda dudes, and get all outta shape bassically they wanna party all the time.

 

But the only time your ex will even considering come back to you is when everyone else has played her and made her feel like **** and then shes gonna want you back just becuz you made her feel good about her self.

Trust my ex and your ex are exactly exactly one again exactly alike.

Same sistuation and everything.

 

But when ever she finnally comes back to you im gonna promise you something, your not gonna even want her anymore, then ull be the one turning her down nd shell be running after you, i know becuz all of a sudden became the dumper