Women overstepping boundaries..wassup with that?

[Phateless]

I have made out with a girl at a party and afterword said to her "hey i just want to be straight with you, i don't want a relationship or anything." to have her say back "oh good, me neither :)"

 

think how compliated it could have been if i handled things the way your guy does?

[squeak]

Yeah but do you think it is bad that he never told her off? At the time it was happwening, I told him he had to--or else! Every week he would say next time-next time. Then too much time passed. Then he just stopped going on all the company outings. Period.

 

But I was left wondering if he loves me the way i need to be loved, because sooo many people say "yeah-but he should not have let it go dor that long while you were upset-and why the hell did you stay through that tug of war"?

 

Sometimes i just feel so stupid. It doesn't feel like a victory. Yet he feels he did all he could. I can accept being spineless, I really can!

 

I can't accept if it was because he enjpoyed her attention over my objections and our bonds....

 

And how will i ever know which it was??? So I still think about it.

[squeak]

Why couldn't he have just SAID that without abandoning the group? I think he's being a coward, personally...

 

People always say "i don't want to hurt so and so" when in fact what that really means "i don't want to endure the guilt while watching them feel bad over something I said to them" when in reality, that's the more decent thing to do - ie - letting someone down gently instead of saying flat out "sorry, i'm not interested. we can be friends if you like, but THAT'S IT"

 

Well there was also the addition of that she had a BF who was hos co-worker and friend who sat right next too him at work!!

 

And-this guy-her BF-just asked her to marry him! I guess playing games does pay off for many girls.

 

Anyhow, I forgot my point. It's funny because if I just say "he was cowardly" i can go on.

But if i think about it another way, I can think he was into it,and didn't care the pain it was causing me. Then I don't feeel so good about us.

 

I just want to pick a side and act accordingly-but ,I can't. How will I ever know which it was-aside from mind reading capabilities? It drives me crazy.

[Phateless]

That makes sense... have you ever taken a psychology or a communication (speech) class? They cover this kind of thing. I'm taking a group communications class right now, they mention the whole avoidance/fear of conflict issue. Do some google searching and reading up on it, you'll see what I'm getting at. It almost sounds like a passive/aggressive thing... I used to be like that. He would rather hide than face his fear of conflict, and I don't respect that. Be a man, have some balls!!!

 

I don't think this has to do with the way he loves you, I think it has to do with his own weakness in terms of drawing the line, ESPECIALLY if it made him uncomfortable, as he said. Again, that used to be me... I couldn't say "no" to my ex and she knew it and used it... so I ended up resenting her while she used me up and threw me away.

 

To you, squeak - Try not to get caught up in the contest, or she really wins. You don't need a "victory" you just need her to not be all over your man, right? I don't think she needed to be "told off" although I know you're pissed, I think she just needed a few assertive statements and some assertive, decisive, action, which your bf seems to be incapable of?

[Phateless]

One major thing I've learned in the past year is to read people very well... At least other guys and how they act around women. I can tell all my female friends down to the letter exactly what a guy is thinking and what's gonna happen in a week's time. Always being right sucks

[squeak]

Well- he did actually tell her-politely I'm sure-actually he asked her-ahem!

If she wouldn't mind not focusing so much on him as it makes him not want to attend these outings.

 

I guess I should be happy with that, right? So why do I still have nightmares of her and just want to tear her hair out? Maybe it is because I hate myself for never ever once speaking up to her (well-once or twice but it was more catty and not direct) and expecting my BF to do all the work I could never do either.

 

I don't know, I hate myself, because I couldn't confront her either. One thing you have to know is she is a good game player, she would have widened her eyes and made it look like my BF or me were accusing her or starting WW3. Then she would have started covering her back by telling everyone how unfairly she wa being treated. So she was a real soiciopath. And i couldn't beat her. Not at her own game.

[squeak]

One major thing I've learned in the past year is to read people very well... At least other guys and how they act around women. I can tell all my female friends down to the letter exactly what a guy is thinking and what's gonna happen in a week's time. Always being right sucks

 

I agree , I think I read people too well, but just never know how to act around the person after that. Except complete avoidance, which isn't always possible.

[Phateless]

I've realized that sometimes the only way to go is to just let it happen, exactly what you predicted... A lot of times, she will do exactly that but only end up making herself look bad in the process.

 

They want you to play their game. If you take all the fun out of it, they get bored, even if they "win".

[squeak]

That makes sense... have you ever taken a psychology or a communication (speech) class? They cover this kind of thing. I'm taking a group communications class right now, they mention the whole avoidance/fear of conflict issue. Do some google searching and reading up on it, you'll see what I'm getting at. It almost sounds like a passive/aggressive thing... I used to be like that. He would rather hide than face his fear of conflict, and I don't respect that. Be a man, have some balls!!!

 

I don't think this has to do with the way he loves you, I think it has to do with his own weakness in terms of drawing the line, ESPECIALLY if it made him uncomfortable, as he said. Again, that used to be me... I couldn't say "no" to my ex and she knew it and used it... so I ended up resenting her while she used me up and threw me away.

 

To you, squeak - Try not to get caught up in the contest, or she really wins. You don't need a "victory" you just need her to not be all over your man, right? I don't think she needed to be "told off" although I know you're pissed, I think she just needed a few assertive statements and some assertive, decisive, action, which your bf seems to be incapable of?

 

Hmm, I'll look that info up. Looking back (sorry-I know my information is mixing up recent events with far past events so it is hard to get the "true" picture) the thing that made me upset was he could not say "no" to them, but he could certainly argue with me about it!

 

He told me I was the only female he could feel comfortable saying no to, plus his mother!

 

I was like, okay, so you'd rather please strangers than make your own GF happy? He explained he felt rebellious because he thought i was trying to control him. My side was-well what was i supposed to do? Go along with whatever she cooked up and put a smile on my face? I couldn't see the follow through logic in it.

 

But it did ruin something for me, to see an aggressive and clever female able to cause so much push and pull. They never went out on on one, that would have been my last straw. But I believe she was working towards getting him comfortable with rthat. It did leave me worried about where his personal boundaries lay if i had not observged it all from beginnning to end.

 

I don't think it would happen again, he accepts i am not a controlling harpy but that i was right on, unfortunately...I can't decide if he was too open to the flattery of another female or just a people pleaser who made some bad decisions.

 

How do you decide which? I am trying to see reality, not just what I want to see. We have been together for awhile. I think he feels happy but senses this wedge of tension coming from me.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread fhm, please feel free to pipe in!

[finallyhappyme]

I've realized that sometimes the only way to go is to just let it happen, exactly what you predicted... A lot of times, she will do exactly that but only end up making herself look bad in the process.

 

They want you to play their game. If you take all the fun out of it, they get bored, even if they "win".

 

I agree that your feelings are yours and you have to OWN them. I too was the type to let things build inside of me until I blew up, or I wouldn't say things to not upset people. Totally wrong way to do things. IMO.

 

It's hard though when your in it..and You can see it perfectly but your SO is in lala land..doubting You. It's a very difficult situation. And then SO wants to make you happy but he can't understand for the life of him why your getting upset about his 'friend' and it's just a really sucky situation.

 

Another poster said an example that reallllllly used to tick me off about my ex bf's friend. Whenever we used to hang out ( I would go along to try and prove to her she couldn't phase me ) and she would discuss the the things I was weaker in and I would try to change the convo to my strong points as well but she would not give up!! She knew I had to stop going to college for a while and my ex didn't really agree with it..so while we would hang out she would talk about how crazy her new school schedule was and then would turn to ME and ask " What's your schedule like this semester??..oh yeah i'm sorry I forgot your not in school right now' then giggle..STUPID CvNT!! lmao . Ohh she would get under my skin. And then worse was when he and I took a break..they ended up at a club drunk one night and ended up kissing! :sick: In front of all of our mutual friends!! Him and I got back together and he told me what happened and he apologized and said he was sorry and it didnt mean anything they were just drunk and it happened. So then I had to hang out with our friends and have to see here at every event/ party. She would talk to me like nothing happened and I never brought it up and it killed me inside. WHen I finally did blow up at a party one time because she said some smart a$$ sh*t everyone tool her side!!! They said i was acting like a baby..that it happened when we were on break..and that it meant nothing and I needed to get over it. I stormed out and she stayed at the party.

 

Anyways just thinking about the night boils my blood. Really i don't think anything has ever made me that angry. He could have kissed 50 million girls that nigth and I wouldnt have cared as much.

 

Now I know better..next guy tells me he just met a cool girl and wants to hang out and be 'friends' I'm catching her alone, I'm looking her in the eyes and I'm telling 'Watch your step sista..thats my man and we're VERY happy and we have amazing SEX EVERY NIGHT' Forget the cool GF role..I'm over it.

[Phateless]

Hmm, I'll look that info up. Looking back (sorry-I know my information is mixing up recent events with far past events so it is hard to get the "true" picture) the thing that made me upset was he could not say "no" to them, but he could certainly argue with me about it!

 

He told me I was the only female he could feel comfortable saying no to, plus his mother!

 

I was like, okay, so you'd rather please strangers than make your own GF happy? He explained he felt rebellious because he thought i was trying to control him. My side was-well what was i supposed to do? Go along with whatever she cooked up and put a smile on my face? I couldn't see the follow through logic in it.

 

But it did ruin something for me, to see an aggressive and clever female able to cause so much push and pull. They never went out on on one, that would have been my last straw. But I believe she was working towards getting him comfortable with rthat. It did leave me worried about where his personal boundaries lay if i had not observged it all from beginnning to end.

 

I don't think it would happen again, he accepts i am not a controlling harpy but that i was right on, unfortunately...I can't decide if he was too open to the flattery of another female or just a people pleaser who made some bad decisions.

 

How do you decide which? I am trying to see reality, not just what I want to see. We have been together for awhile. I think he feels happy but senses this wedge of tension coming from me.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread fhm, please feel free to pipe in!

 

I think he's more of a people pleaser than anything else. Everything you described fits with how I USED to be, before I got strong and started respecting myself, and now my life is 100x better and people like me more. Like me, he probably would have let it progress too far and then drawn the line sharply rather than cheat on you. He loves you.

 

Honestly? His actions reek of low self-esteem, insecurity, passive-aggression and fear of conflict. Basically it all boils down to low self-confidence. I will never again allow myself to be treated that way, no matter who it is. A girl pulls crap with me, I'm gone. Done.

 

He's probably receptive to her because of all these personality traits. Rather than being trodden on because he's too scared to speak up, she makes him priority and it feels good for a change. If he had some f*cking backbone he wouldn't be lowest priority all the time and this wouldn't feel so damn novel and exciting.

 

On top of that, he's ACCIDENTALLY playing it just right to keep her fascinated. He's friendly, shows her a bit of attention, then backs off because he thinks "i have a gf and i love her, i'm not interested in this girl, i don't want her to think i am so i better back off" and then she pursues. He's unattainable and she likes a challenge (you know how women can be). If she managed to steal him away from you, she would rip him to shreds in two weeks (just like Nicole did to me) and then toss him aside.

[Phateless]

Now I know better..next guy tells me he just met a cool girl and wants to hang out and be 'friends' I'm catching her alone, I'm looking her in the eyes and I'm telling 'Watch your step sista..thats my man and we're VERY happy and we have amazing SEX EVERY NIGHT' Forget the cool GF role..I'm over it.

 

LoL, fhm!! If my new gf did that in front of me I would be so turned on, haha. btw, if Sveta and I had been having sex more than once a week (tops) I don't think Nicole parading around in low cut tops would have had nearly the same effect on me.

[finallyhappyme]

Hmm, I'll look that info up. Looking back (sorry-I know my information is mixing up recent events with far past events so it is hard to get the "true" picture) the thing that made me upset was he could not say "no" to them, but he could certainly argue with me about it!

 

He told me I was the only female he could feel comfortable saying no to, plus his mother!

 

I was like, okay, so you'd rather please strangers than make your own GF happy? He explained he felt rebellious because he thought i was trying to control him. My side was-well what was i supposed to do? Go along with whatever she cooked up and put a smile on my face? I couldn't see the follow through logic in it.

 

But it did ruin something for me, to see an aggressive and clever female able to cause so much push and pull. They never went out on on one, that would have been my last straw. But I believe she was working towards getting him comfortable with rthat. It did leave me worried about where his personal boundaries lay if i had not observged it all from beginnning to end.

 

I don't think it would happen again, he accepts i am not a controlling harpy but that i was right on, unfortunately...I can't decide if he was too open to the flattery of another female or just a people pleaser who made some bad decisions.

 

How do you decide which? I am trying to see reality, not just what I want to see. We have been together for awhile. I think he feels happy but senses this wedge of tension coming from me.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread fhm, please feel free to pipe in!

 

 

It's all good you can Hijack..I'm actually interested in your story lol

[finallyhappyme]

LoL, fhm!! If my new gf did that in front of me I would be so turned on, haha. btw, if Sveta and I had been having sex more than once a week (tops) I don't think Nicole parading around in low cut tops would have had nearly the same effect on me.

 

 

LMAO NOW I KNOW! BUT..I admit..while this was going on we weer going through rough times..and because I was so angry at him for certain things..we were only having sex like once a week tops too~ But I was mad at him..I felt like by me sleeping with him he was getting his cake and eating it too! He would get sex from me..then his 'freedom fun time' hanging out with her.

[Phateless]

btw, you guys need to watch "I think I love my wife"... Great movie! Totally from the guy's perspective, so it will show you what he's thinking, and it's actually pretty deep as well as hilarious. It's about a very similar situation. Plus, it touches on how EMASCULATING it can be for a guy's woman to claim she loves him and simultaneously deny him sex for weeks or months on end.

[finallyhappyme]

btw, you guys need to watch "I think I love my wife"... Great movie! Totally from the guy's perspective, so it will show you what he's thinking, and it's actually pretty deep as well as hilarious. It's about a very similar situation. Plus, it touches on how EMASCULATING it can be for a guy's woman to claim she loves him and simultaneously deny him sex for weeks or months on end.

 

 

OMG I know I lOVED that movie..I only wish my ex can see it lol.

 

MY FAV part was when he got home and his wife was sitting on the stair case..she didn't accuse him..she didn't go all crazy..well she did but she just loved him so much that she said 'I dont know what your going through but whatever it is FIX it and come back home'

 

I was like damn that's a woman.

[Phateless]

LMAO NOW I KNOW! BUT..I admit..while this was going on we weer going through rough times..and because I was so angry at him for certain things..we were only having sex like once a week tops too~ But I was mad at him..I felt like by me sleeping with him he was getting his cake and eating it too! He would get sex from me..then his 'freedom fun time' hanging out with her.

 

I begged my ex to come and hang out with all my friends for years... she never would. When she did, she would sit in the corner alone and be mad at me if I didn't talk to her, and it would never be a conversation that was possible to have with the whole group, only me. All of this pre-dates Nicole by years, btw. I would go to parties and charm every one of her friends and they would all tell me (and her) how wonderful and sweet I was and how we were so lucky to have each other, and look at all these things I do for her, etc, and then she would tell me the next day that I don't love her, show her I love her, do anything for her, etc...

[Phateless]

OMG I know I lOVED that movie..I only wish my ex can see it lol.

 

MY FAV part was when he got home and his wife was sitting on the stair case..she didn't accuse him..she didn't go all crazy..well she did but she just loved him so much that she said 'I dont know what your going through but whatever it is FIX it and come back home'

 

I was like damn that's a woman.

 

I can't remember if it was that part or the part where he got beat up but I remember saying out loud "she doesn't love him. she doesn't even care about him, or how he feels..." to which my female friend shook her head slightly in angry disagreement.

[Phateless]

The whole point of that movie is that SHE could not admit that not having sex means THERE IS A F*CKING PROBLEM, which is exactly the case with Svetlana.

[finallyhappyme]

I begged my ex to come and hang out with all my friends for years... she never would. When she did, she would sit in the corner alone and be mad at me if I didn't talk to her, and it would never be a conversation that was possible to have with the whole group, only me. All of this pre-dates Nicole by years, btw. I would go to parties and charm every one of her friends and they would all tell me (and her) how wonderful and sweet I was and how we were so lucky to have each other, and look at all these things I do for her, etc, and then she would tell me the next day that I don't love her, show her I love her, do anything for her, etc...

 

 

hMMM.. did you ever tell her it bothered you that she would sit in the corner and not make an effort to talk to your friends? Sound like she had some insecurity issues to deal with. I dont think it had anything to do with you.

[Phateless]

hMMM.. did you ever tell her it bothered you that she would sit in the corner and not make an effort to talk to your friends? Sound like she had some insecurity issues to deal with. I dont think it had anything to do with you.

 

Gawd, we went through everything 1,000,000 times, but to no avail. I realize NOW THAT I GOT STRONG (hint hint, Squeak) how badly I let her treat me.

 

Squeak, I was only pointing out that getting strong thing, I think you are treating your guy very well for tolerating that friendship and staying with him.

[finallyhappyme]

The whole point of that movie is that SHE could not admit that not having sex means THERE IS A F*CKING PROBLEM, which is exactly the case with Svetlana.

 

Of course...with all the possibilities out there and women constantly on the prowl looking for a man..if you don't give your man sex..as much as he loves you.. I think..he will start to doubt the relationship and start peeking around.

 

I think with guys they don't need I love you's and cards and all that crap. They want sex. Sex is a majority of how a guy takes that you love him. You cut that off..red alerts go off in his head..and he starts questioning.

[Phateless]

Of course...with all the possibilities out there and women constantly on the prowl looking for a man..if you don't give your man sex..as much as he loves you.. I think..he will start to doubt the relationship and start peeking around.

 

I think with guys they don't need I love you's and cards and all that crap. They want sex. Sex is a majority of how a guy takes that you love him. You cut that off..red alerts go off in his head..and he starts questioning.

 

Bingo. Sveta just couldn't see that, just like the wife in that movie. Made me so mad... women don't realize how emasculating it is to be turned down by the woman who says she loves you. If we're not good enough for you, how can we be good enough for anyone? The peeking around doesn't have that much to do with physical urges... it's all the emotional sh*t that comes along with it.

[finallyhappyme]

Bingo. Sveta just couldn't see that, just like the wife in that movie. Made me so mad... women don't realize how emasculating it is to be turned down by the woman who says she loves you. If we're not good enough for you, how can we be good enough for anyone? The peeking around doesn't have that much to do with physical urges... it's all the emotional sh*t that comes along with it.

 

 

Yes it took me a while to understand that... He would always tell me when you turn me down I feel that you don't love me and I was like WTF crack are you smoking? lol I get it now..but I guess it's too late. Too much sh*t has happened so I'm taking my lessons to the next one. I thought the peeking had to do with the physical but it's not it's about getting a yes..the emotional aspect of it.

 

I could not for the life of me see that until now. Oh well you live and you learn .

[Phateless]

Yes it took me a while to understand that... He would always tell me when you turn me down I feel that you don't love me and I was like WTF crack are you smoking? lol I get it now..but I guess it's too late. Too much sh*t has happened so I'm taking my lessons to the next one. I thought the peeking had to do with the physical but it's not it's about getting a yes..the emotional aspect of it.

 

I could not for the life of me see that until now. Oh well you live and you learn .

 

Yeah, really! Sex can be validation for men as well as women... we all forget that. My stupid-ass ex actually tried to make me think she believed I would stay with her for 5 years just for sex...