Two's Company

[meowmixer]

My situation is so weird, I couldnt find a good category for it.

I am a straight woman in my twenties, engaged to a bisexual man my age whom I've dated for three years and lived with for two. We are deeply commited to eachother and believe in multiple partner relationships, having often discussed the possibility of getting either a mutual boyfriend or a boyfriend for him.

 

Recently, as a ploy for money saving as well as more social contact (we're home-bodies) We moved in with an old work friend. He's about ten years our senior, straight, and been in a relationship dry spell for a while. He both enjoys casual sex and longs for a commited relationship. Lately his biological clock has been ticking a little loud also and he sometimes talks about marriage and a child.

 

My fiance used to have a huge crush on our roommate back when we all worked together, but got over it because he was straight. I never thought twice about our roommate that way until we moved in and I actually got to know him. Here it gets a bit iffy.

 

Anyway, I develop a crush on him, tell my fiance who (without me asking I feel I should point out- I never forced this issue) gives me permission to have sex with our roommate should the occation arrise. He later tell me he told our roommate he could have sex with me also. Anyways, we flirt lightly for a month or so before finally we end up spending the night together. We didnt actually manage to have sex because he was too drunk/nervous to get it up, but we did spent 10 hours sleeping, cuddling, smiling, kissing, making out and all sorts of cute sexy things like that.

 

Now here's the problem. Right now, my roomie and I just did a "sex friends" thing. My fiance is cool with it and thinks nothing of it, my roommate is cool with it and thinks nothing of it, but I'm emotionally hurting.

 

My fiance and I had some issues a while back where he was acting very depressed and spent all day sleeping or reading and never did anything with me. I complained that he only ever wanted to touch when he was going to get sex within the next 5 minutes. We got better for a while, but he seems to have relapsed since starting his new job, and doesnt react to me voicing my upset or concerns. I've lost interest in sleeping with him because he seems to just want to get business done and go back to sleep. Since I started refusing sex on a more often basis (maybe 4 out of 7 requests a week instead of 2) he's been guilting me that I don't care about his sexual needs. I care for him and know he's in a hard time, but the sad, guilty sex is almost intolerable!

 

At the same time, I find myself fantasizing about our roommate. When we had our little fling, he was nicer to me than my fiance had been in the past 6 months!

 

Should I take my fiance's permission to sleep with our roommate and satiate the needs I have that aren't getting met, or do I need to try and cut the roommate out of my thoughts at least until my fiance is feeling better? What do I do? I can't fix my fiance, I can only do what I can, but the sex and lack of attention to me is emotional abuse at this point.

 

I'm just unsure of what to do, any advice?

[shadowofman]

Well, I sound like I could be your boyfriend. I am also bisexual and wouldn't mind if you slept with the roomie. Even if I was depressed about something, I still wouldn't care.

Chances are, my depression would be caused by unfullfilled sexual orientation as well. Not to say that your BF is in my same boat. I would worry that fullfilling yourself would only make my lack of fullfillment more evident and would be more depressing. In my case, this is bisexuality and promiscuousness. I want multiple boys and girls. He may only want other boys.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk to him.

Honestly, if it were me. I would be happy with you having sex and then sharing the spoils with me. Physically or in the form of a story. Vicariously living through your fullfillment. Good luck, remember to keep talking. When you think you have talked enough, talk a little more.

 

What does he say is the cause of his depression/lack of intimacy?

[norajane]

It sounds like you are missing the affection and romance and loving part of your relationship with your bf - he's not meeting those needs with his sex-on-demand wishes. And you're roommate can maybe meet those needs - or so you think - at least for a while.

 

Your bf doesn't see that you could easily lose your love and in love feelings for him and transfer them to the roommate. Having sex, for women, creates some bonding hormones in your brain, and it's very likely you'll develop deeper feelings for the roommate that you won't be able to control, and it will send you and your bf farther and farther apart.

 

If you keep having sex with the roommate, it's going to spell disaster all the way around.

 

You need to deal with your issues with your bf straight-up, and leave off sex with the roommate. Your bf needs to go see a therapist and figure out what's going on with his depression. And you two might also need to see a couples counselor, b/c your bf just isn't getting it that you can't just get turned on with 5 minutes of foreplay before he gets off. And he needs to understand that sending you to another man to do what he should be doing for you is NOT the answer unless he's willing to lose you - you need to be honest with him about that. A counselor can help you sort through these issues.

[Illiandra]

If your straight and having sex with someone else, then why are you in the relationship still? if my significant other told me i could have sex with another person, then i would think, he is having sex with other people.

[shadowofman]

Or maybe that he justs wants to have a more open relationship.

Or maybe that he is morally opposed to controlling the sex life of another person.