Morgan Posted May 12, 2003 Share Posted May 12, 2003 Help me please - I feel like my stomach is in notts - do people really live through this? I'm 28 yrs. female and for background purposes - I really don't have any family to speak of - my mom and grandma - and my dog - my father was killed when I was 7. They need me $ more than I need them - I don't feel comfortable taking their advice because I see where their great decisions have landed them - so needless to say I'm on my own here. I guess I made the mistake of marrying what seems more like my "would be brother" than anything else - we've been together since I was 14 - so for half of my life - he's been the main one "there" for me. The relationship has major issues - ones that I won't deny or blame all on him - there hasn't been any affairs or physical abuse - but the emotional is rough enough - I work alot because I always want more - my husband constantly accuses me of having a boyfriend - for years I tried to reassure him but it doesn't work so I just started telling him that If I had a boyfriend I'd go live with him! No, two wrongs don't make a right! He goes through all of my things, checks the odometer on my car, listens to my phone calls, tries to bribe my friends to "tell on me" and there's nothing to tell! We will be married 8 years here soon - We have no children - I never have really wanted them - and as it turns out I can't have them - I just found out that he hasn't been paying the mortgage and it's behind - which has made my spotless credit not so spotless - I didn't even have the energy to go home and kick his butt - he's like arguing with Parry Mason - you can't win - he just keeps turning everything around and somehow I end up dizzy and completey exhausted (so he wins). No, he doesn't fight fair but I'd like to see someone try to tell him that. I know in my heart that anyone that acts like he does CANNOT be happy either! I want both of us to be happy but honestly I think the only way that will happen is if we are apart. My mom tells me that she is sorry that she didn't have me a brother or stepfather etc. to be a supportive male role and she's sorry that I felt like I had to marry my brother - boy did she hit it on the head! Does anyone want to have sex with their possessive, jealous "brother" - me neither. I am a fairly successful girl with many hopes and dreams for my future - but the husband doesn't want me to go back to school - then I will never be home - I'm half embarrassed to even write some of the things he tries on me - I'm a strong person but I don't know how I can "cut off my own arm" That is how it will feel if I am to go home and say - let's get a divorce - I'm not sure I will be able to live through it. He is very mentally manipulative. He uses where I came from against me - "the wrong side of the tracks" while he comes from a great family. One famous line "go ahead go out with your friends you'll just end up a bar wh**e just like your mom" - I know this is not me and never will be but it's something that turns my head everytime and I don't want anyone to think such things about me - Maybe I shouldn't care - but when you've drug yourself out of hole and fought kicking and screaming and clawing every step of the way - it's too hard to think that I could repeat my mom and grandma's choices. I know in my heart that if I had a reliable decent dependable family to help emotionally support me through this I would have left long ago. Anyone out there want a decent daughter? I am not helpless or hopeless I know there's an answer to every problem but I just don't think that I can remove him from my life permantely - and that's what a divorce would be - I would like to still be friends (in a better world) - I don't know how to stop caring - when you only have 3 people who care about you - it doesn't make getting rid of one that appealling! Please give me good sound solid advice - I am reeling out in space with a barf bag in my lap! How do you live together until the house is sold? Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted May 14, 2003 Share Posted May 14, 2003 No children? Dump this loser!(Am I right Tony?) Walk out the door and don't look back. He'll never know what hit him. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted May 14, 2003 Share Posted May 14, 2003 Not that simple. Problem is as you correctly said your husband is part of you - your (faulty) support system, your emotional security. We tend to hold on to what we've got even if our hearts tell us there's something (or someone) better out there for us and even though you have your fair share of problems in this marriage, as you said it seems impossible to think of living without someone who for better or for worse has a been a part of your life since you were 14. But life is like that, you have to sometimes make the most painful decisions in the hope of future happiness. If you can walk away, wishing your husband the best knowing without a doubt that it was the best thing to do. Knowing that both of you will be happier apart - if you can imagine walking away without looking back then start to do so. My impression is that this may be too difficult for you to do. If that's the case you try and change the dynamics of your relationship from within. Find out about yourself and push for the things you need, the education you want the changes you desire. You have to do this because you only have one life. At the end of your life no body hands you a token and says "Nice try, take this and have another go, try to do better next time round okay..." At the end of your life you die. So, I'd say re-read your post. From it you can pretty much tell the ending... Didn't go to school, didn't do the job I wanted, lost the house, lived with suspicion and spent my days, dreaming of a better life. Retired stopped fighting because we were too old to keep it up. Remembered having sex way back when. Though it was okay, but never got what all the fuss was about. Never fell in love, never loved myself. Remember you don't have to 'stop caring' you just have to start caring for yourself, open up your life widen your horiznns and believe with all your heart that more than three people will love you before you meet your maker. That or settle. Your call. Good Luck R Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 15, 2003 Share Posted May 15, 2003 I really think you need to go to a counselor and sort out issues that you had growing up in order to find your weaknesses, learn how to build strength, and be able to seek happiness and a better life for yourself. Also, even though your husband may have come from a "good home", it seems like he has major trust issues that need to be addressed. I'm not sure if he would agree to go to couseling, but at least get yourself there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morgan Posted May 15, 2003 Author Share Posted May 15, 2003 Thank you Reckless! I think you've nailed it! I try to keep things in mind - the famous "the grass is greener on the other side" Well, I've witnessed friends go to the other side to see the greener grass - so they thought - when they got there it was WEEDS! I guess I just don't have it in me to learn the hard way - I don't want to walk away and then think I made a mistake Delima - is it right to stay in a marriage - when he feels more like your brother than anything else? - that is the love I have for him - the great brotherly love! I don't think I could ever tell him this - it would kill him! He has no problem "seeing" me in the way a husband should see his wife - I on the other hand RUN! I'm not exactly a willing partner when it comes to sex - because - yuck - sex with what seems like my brother - gross! This is probably part of the reason he's so jealous (nuts) he figures if he isn't getting it - then someone else is!! So So So NOT THE CASE! Not my style! Even if I wanted to - I simply couldn't - it would be written on my face! I guess it's a cycle - the more and longer he has and will continue to accuse me - the more he feels like my brother!!!!! Someone stop the cycle - neither of us have the guts! I am a pretty me, me, me person - but I'm a good decent caring person as well. I do want what's best for me (always wanting the best) and working my butt off to get it! My husband thinks the material things in life that I strive for are stupid - I disagree - I will get the things that I desire - by working hard - I have a great job - that's the best thing I have going - and strong drive. I have thought about the counselor thing on many occassions - but I almost have an anxiety attack just trying to make an appointment! I guess I need a 10 hour session - get my answers and move on! I mean what am I doing here - wasting time??? I either need to straigten out my brain on the brother issue and nail his balls to the wall over the jealousy thing or just leave - Easier said than done - but I will take some sort of action - I guess i'm in charge here - aren't I? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 15, 2003 Share Posted May 15, 2003 how it turned out for u... I have neighbors who are so sweet, they practically met in the cradle. They call themselves childhood sweethearts, and rightly so. No where did they get the sibling Oedipus thing going on. Of course, he works everyday and has provided her with 3 great kids and a great home. I always thought it would be wonderful to still be married to the same person I feel in love with as a child. But you have shown me a different side. Quite interesting really. Perhaps if you two had the same goals in life, things would work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthropologist Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Just to throw in my thoughts, I understand about the counselor thing. Even when I made it to an appointment, it seemed like forever for the counselor to "figure me out" so that I could be helped. I have always felt more comfortable in the group setting. This is what I recommend you do...depending on your area I'm sure you can find a support group to fit your needs. I recommend you read this article. http://open-mind.org/News/Abuse/19.htm Good luck. It takes time to feel confident about your decisions and choices but the surer you start the closer you will be to true happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthropologist Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 whoops, I meant sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
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