Is this abuse? My boyfriends extreme rage.

[justwonderings]

I'll start off by saying I'm not perfect. So here is a quick background on me. A few months ago I lost my job and my boyfriend has been supporting me while I try to find a job with benefits. The health insurance is important, otherwise I would have another job by now. We've been together for 4 years, so I thought we were almost like family at this point. In the last year and a half he's been treating me worse and worse. I guess I annoy him a lot, I'm hard headed on certain issues and I sometimes raise my voice, but I don't over-do it.

 

Yesterday he was pissed off because he had to buy a medication for me that cost over $200. He got in the car, literally threw the prescription at me really hard, and was like, "get your f-ing insurance back!". (it's rare that he says anything like this to me) Anyway, his comment really upset me and I yelled, "respect me!", and he said something like, "it's hard to respect you, i dont respect you", which really upset me. So I said again loudly, "you have to respect me!", and at this point he FREAKED OUT, slammed on the brakes and screamed at the top of his lungs for me to get out of the car. He reached across and opened the door handle. This was around 5 p.m. in a crowded strip mall, and it's as though he didn't care or even see anyone around. At this point i was sobbing because this situation came out of nowhere. It was horrible, and I didn't get out of the car because it was humiliating. I was crying and I was like, "why are you doing this?", while his explanation was that I'm a "bitch for screaming at him". During the car ride home he tried to kick me out two more times, brakes and all. The rest of the night was fairly horrible, and although he isn't physically abusive, I feel like I'm still being abused somehow. i don't know how bad this is or isn't.

 

He apologized to me since this incident and said it was all his fault and he still wants me around. Although, I am the one who confronted him, he never comes after me when he messes up and says, "I'm sorry". These extreme incidents have happened maybe a total of 30 times in our relationship, with much lesser degree fights in between, mostly always about money. It's gotten much much worse since I lost my job. It's so classically dumb of me, but I always think it's not going to happen again.

 

So do i leave him? Is this something that we can fix? We used to be madly in love with good treatment towards each-other. It just seems like the stress of life has turned him mad, and we fight constantly. I have no money at the moment. Do i stay until I get back on my feet?

 

If anyone has been in a similar situation let me know, but it's so embarrassing that I'm not willing to confront my family with it yet. They think my relationship is fine, and if it's something we can fix internally, I'd rather not let the cat out of the bag quite yet. Thanks for your time.

[Poboy]

yes its abuse , verbal and emotional one. do you fear for yourself that he might hit you in the future. if such kind of behavior has been going on for a long time and its affects you , you and he need to fix things up . maybe counseling , anger management is what he needs. ask him what he thinks about it and that if he needs it or not , what does he think. if he shows signs that he wants to make an effort to improve his behavior towards you , both of you can try to fix this but if you don't see it happening , better to leave than be sorry.

[Ocean-Blue]

I'll start off by saying I'm not perfect. So here is a quick background on me. A few months ago I lost my job and my boyfriend has been supporting me while I try to find a job with benefits. The health insurance is important, otherwise I would have another job by now. We've been together for 4 years, so I thought we were almost like family at this point. In the last year and a half he's been treating me worse and worse. I guess I annoy him a lot, I'm hard headed on certain issues and I sometimes raise my voice, but I don't over-do it.

 

Yesterday he was pissed off because he had to buy a medication for me that cost over $200. He got in the car, literally threw the prescription at me really hard, and was like, "get your f-ing insurance back!". (it's rare that he says anything like this to me) Anyway, his comment really upset me and I yelled, "respect me!", and he said something like, "it's hard to respect you, i dont respect you", which really upset me. So I said again loudly, "you have to respect me!", and at this point he FREAKED OUT, slammed on the brakes and screamed at the top of his lungs for me to get out of the car. He reached across and opened the door handle. This was around 5 p.m. in a crowded strip mall, and it's as though he didn't care or even see anyone around. At this point i was sobbing because this situation came out of nowhere. It was horrible, and I didn't get out of the car because it was humiliating. I was crying and I was like, "why are you doing this?", while his explanation was that I'm a "bitch for screaming at him". During the car ride home he tried to kick me out two more times, brakes and all. The rest of the night was fairly horrible, and although he isn't physically abusive, I feel like I'm still being abused somehow. i don't know how bad this is or isn't.

 

He apologized to me since this incident and said it was all his fault and he still wants me around. Although, I am the one who confronted him, he never comes after me when he messes up and says, "I'm sorry". These extreme incidents have happened maybe a total of 30 times in our relationship, with much lesser degree fights in between, mostly always about money. It's gotten much much worse since I lost my job. It's so classically dumb of me, but I always think it's not going to happen again.

 

So do i leave him? Is this something that we can fix? We used to be madly in love with good treatment towards each-other. It just seems like the stress of life has turned him mad, and we fight constantly. I have no money at the moment. Do i stay until I get back on my feet?

 

If anyone has been in a similar situation let me know, but it's so embarrassing that I'm not willing to confront my family with it yet. They think my relationship is fine, and if it's something we can fix internally, I'd rather not let the cat out of the bag quite yet. Thanks for your time.

 

JW, sadly, what you describe does sound like abuse. It's one thing for him to be upset for temporarily taking the financial brunt...but to treat you the way he did...THAT is abuse.

 

The fact that he's not willing to apologize is telling.

 

You have three options: 1) continue with things the way there are (and seeing as how this has happened 30 times, well you can guess what will continue to happen...), 2) talk to him about getting help (whether it be talking to family/friends or counseling), 3) leave him.

 

I'm sure you already know that he is abusive. I find what he did to you to be incredibly disrespectful. Throwing your MEDICATION at you like that! That ain't cool. He clearly has a temper and is quite indifferent to YOUR feelings.

 

Tell me something, this outburst of rage, how long has it been going on? Was it after you lost your job or before?

 

There are other ways for someone to express their anger. I can understand that he's upset...but he is being a total jerk to you.

 

You need to figure out how you want to deal with this relationship. It's not helping you any to have him scream at you like a child.

[Spinderella]

It doesnt matter what you call it. How does it make you feel?

If he cannot handle this kind of stress, what kind of a future can you see with him?

Imagine marrying him, and having children. How would he handle that?

[justwonderings]

Tell me something, this outburst of rage, how long has it been going on? Was it after you lost your job or before?

 

 

The bad fights which led to his outbursts started probably about a year into the relationship, but they were few and far between. I was so in love with him at that point that I was in denial, and he was infatuated with me so he would apologize profusely. The worst of his outbursts have been in the last half of our relationship. Once he started realizing I wasn't this "perfect being" that he thought I was when we first started dating, he started getting harsher and more judgmental towards me. I know this because I could basically do no wrong according to him for a very long time, and I knew it wouldn't last, but I didn't know it would get this bad once his infatuation wore off.

 

Also, the first two years of our relationship we were living in my apt, so if he was really upset he would just leave. Now we are living in the place which he pays for, and the outbursts have gotten worse here because he tries to kick me out every-time he gets really pissed, but I refuse to leave my home which escalates everything. He later takes it back and says he didn't mean it. He accuses me of being abnormal about the stuff we disagree on too, but it's always normal relationship issues that many couples can deal with without screaming. Like me loosing a job, a normal couple could work through it, but it seems like this gives him more ammunition to be mad at me and lash out.

[bish]

Yes, this guy is a total *********. To get mad at you because you need medication? Its not your fault the drug companies overcharge out the freakin' wazzoo for medication they know people have to have.

 

I can understand him being stressed. But getting mad at you?

 

I'd say bide your time, get a good job with medical insurance, then leave this bastard.

[Italiana]

I;m sorry to hear this... it sounds like money is the root cause of the stress.. it must be something that really bothers your bf. He needs to know that these outbursts are not okay and that they severly harm your relationship.... and you.... you may not realize it now but each time this happens it negatively effects you...very very much...

i was in a realtionship for 4 years.... everything is great in the begining... and throughout the 4 years... but at times he was verbally abusive to me... like they all say... its true... it gets worse if he doesn;t fix his anger, Yes i know .. u may be no angel... i wasn;t ... but ask yourself this... are you retaliating against him... is resentment built up in you towards him?

My ex ended up giving me bruises and a black eye and nearly ripped out a lot of my hair.... i left that relationship wounded physically and very emotionally and it took me a long time to recover and find myself again.... please look at yourself ... do you notice any changes in your internal dialogue... how you talk to yourself... how you preceive yourself.... are you happy ... do you feel safe?

 

please answer these honestly... you know what the right thing is to do and only you hold the answers

 

I know first-hand that no matter how many people tell you to DROP HIM GET OUT GET RID OF HIM... you WON:T

UNLESS YOU BELIEVE IT.

[carrotgirl]

jw, the thing with abusers is .... there is always a next time.

 

It's easy for people who have never been in the situation to say leave. Sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes when abusers say things like you'll be sorry or I'll kill you, they really mean it. The first thing to remember is that the next time he tells you to get out - GET OUT. This may save your life.

 

The next thing you can do to take care of yourself better is to stop being silent. You're not protecting anyone by remaining silent. Tell your family the situation. You don't have to ask for anything but you can tell them you want them to know you've been having a hard time dealing with this. Then let them ask you what they can do.

 

If you have a place to go and the spare time to pack your things and leave, I recommend it. It doesn't matter that you're not financially secure. It sucks to rely on family and friends but it's much better than being someone's abuse toilet. You can have all the money in the world but there will always be something that doesn't go his way and the temper will flare some more.

 

The job market is tough but with some of that stress relieved you may just start to see your options improve... Or maybe take the opportunity to take some classes and improve your marketability that way! You can do wonderful things.

 

Carrot

[justwonderings]

jw, the thing with abusers is .... there is always a next time.

 

It's easy for people who have never been in the situation to say leave. Sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes when abusers say things like you'll be sorry or I'll kill you, they really mean it. The first thing to remember is that the next time he tells you to get out - GET OUT. This may save your life.

Carrot

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice, and I really do understand that I have to get out soon, but I don't even have the money to get my furniture out, much less put it in storage. I can't move it all by myself, so there will be moving costs. I feel like it's a better idea to make enough money and just leave him one day without him being there. Otherwise I see him threatening my furniture or keeping things he's given to me, which includes my computer and clothes for work, both things I need for finding a new job. He's a jerk like that. I'm 99% sure he won't physically hurt me unless I'd do something to him first. I think I'm going to try to ride it out for a few months so that I can leave without being on the street. At least here I have a home, although tense. It's not that easy to just up and leave overnight. Am i sounding stupid here?

[Ocean-Blue]

Thanks for the advice, and I really do understand that I have to get out soon, but I don't even have the money to get my furniture out, much less put it in storage. I can't move it all by myself, so there will be moving costs. I feel like it's a better idea to make enough money and just leave him one day without him being there. Otherwise I see him threatening my furniture or keeping things he's given to me, which includes my computer and clothes for work, both things I need for finding a new job. He's a jerk like that. I'm 99% sure he won't physically hurt me unless I'd do something to him first. I think I'm going to try to ride it out for a few months so that I can leave without being on the street. At least here I have a home, although tense. It's not that easy to just up and leave overnight. Am i sounding stupid here?

 

I think this sounds like a good plan. You can't be foolhardy and just jump into something. You're in a precarious position...I think you're handling it quite well. Make sure you work out a plan and stick to it.

 

I'd suggest you get a job ASAP. Ideally you want a job that provides benefits BUT don't reject jobs that come your way just b/c they don't provide you with health benefits. Get a job, ANY job... This way, you'll have some kind of income - just continue applying to other jobs that provide health benefits.

 

Good luck!