A Question for the Women

[ncpd25]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend (she left me). As it turned out, she wasn't completely truthful with me while dating and I found out additional informaion after we broke up. A quick overview:

 

My ex g/f and I began dating and she advised me she had been divorced for 4 years. As I didn't want to be a "rebound", I felt 4 years seemed to be an adequate amount of time for her to heal. It wasn't until a few weeks later, that she told me she had recently broke up with her boyfriend. When asked how long ago, she said "several months", she claimed she was over that relationship and she appeared to be O.K.

She told me her ex b/f had cheated on her and constantly lied to her.

 

 

She told me that she began dating her boyfriend immediately after getting seperated

 

from her husband and had been "on and off" for 4 years with her ex b/f. Everything was going great between us. She told me how much she cared for me, was in love with me, she never wanted to lose me etc...She always spoke long term. I learned that, while we were together, her ex b/f had stopped by her house to pick-up some personal effects. I wondered why he was just picking his things up now? She advised me, he was living on is boat and never had room for the items (made sense to me).

 

As it turns out, she ended up leaving me a voicemail while visiting her parents and she told me, she has mixed emotions, needs to work through issues with her ex b/f, doesn't know what she wants etc...She dumped me. I later believed she got back with her ex b/f (then again, maybe not)as he stopped by one night crying to her about their break-up (That was 4 days before she dumped me). I personally feel she broke up with her b/f a week or two before meeting me.

 

I later learned, that she didn't get divorced 4 years ago. Her husband served her with divorce papers in June 2006 and the final decree was granted on 8/22/07. She even had court dates while we were together!!

 

She initially advised me she divorced (served him) her husband due to him cheating. I feel he filed against her due to her cheating on him with her b/f (they were together immediately after she seperated and her ex b/f's wife divorced him for cheating on her). What a mess huh??

 

I was curious if when the divorce was officially final, does that have an adverse effect on feelings (maybe feelings of being a failure etc...). I do believe she was seperated for a time. Does a person get over the marriage while seperated and when the divorce is finalized, it doesn't hurt or does it hurt just as much even though time had past before the final decree is granted??

 

I guess it's safe to assume I was a rebound (just what I was trying to avoid). Given her circumstances: Getting seperated, having a boyfriend immediately after, breaking up with her boyfriend, meeting me, the divorce being finalized and then dumping me, I can only assume, she has a lot of emotional issues within her. I was very hurt and disappointed that she told me such lies without even batting an eyelash.

 

I realize all circumstances are different and not everybody feels the same when going through a divorce. It seems she was embarrased to tell me the truth. I'm having a hard time figuring out why she would tell such lies.

 

Any opinions/comments??

 

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your views!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Given her circumstances: Getting seperated, having a boyfriend immediately after, breaking up with her boyfriend, meeting me, the divorce being finalized and then dumping me, I can only assume, she has a lot of emotional issues within her. I was very hurt and disappointed that she told me such lies without even batting an eyelash.

 

I’m right with ya on this one!

 

Monkey behavior: Making sure you have a firm grip on the next branch before letting go of the one you’re on.

 

I understand your disappointment completely. But I think in hindsight, you were lucky to find all this out as soon as you did ... BEFORE you went and did something fool-hearted, like propose! It could have ended up so much worse for you. The more time and emotion you invest, the harder it becomes to let go of someone who isn’t suited for you.

 

And yes, I agree that due to her flightiness and dishonesty you can assume there are some “issues” present that have yet to be addressed even outside of her unresolved feelings for the ex-boyfriend and her habitual “rebounding” from one relationship right into another. If she likes juggling multiple guys because she fears being alone, and you’re looking for someone more solid and stable, than I think you’ll be much happier if you hold off on the “relationship” thing until you find someone who is a bit more grounded and sensible.

[sumdude]

Well in a way you should be glad it's over with her. Living with someone who has honesty issues is not a happy life... she's not likely to change and will repeat her behavior. Imagine all the different stories she had probably told the three men about the others...

 

My ex was a bit like this and after 8 years together it has been a bit of a rough road getting past it. To this day I still don't feel I know the truth about so many things and it's enough to make you doubt your own sanity after a while until you can just let it go.

[ncpd25]

Enigma/Sumdude,

 

I agree 100% that I was lucky to find out before the relationship went any further. The funny thing is, eventhough, I realize this, I was still beating myself up and began to feel I wasn't good enough. It wasn't until recently that I began to understand the circumstances.

 

Once I learned of her recent divorce and the fact that she didn't divorce 4 years ago, I understood how deceitful she was. I didn't know if the divorce just occurring (eventhough she had been seperated for a while) possibly brought negative feelings back to the forefront for her and that's why she bailed on me. I understand, she has a lot on her plate and I'll probably never know the truth but, I can't help but wonder. It's probably a combination of things. I realize until she addresses these issues, she'll continue with the vicious cycle she is going through.

 

She has no idea, I know about the divorce just being finalized. She'd probably feel like a fool, if she found out I knew.

 

I know she has never been on her own as she was with her boyfriend as soon as she seperated. I also know she is a pretty insecure individual. She comes across as being so sincere and genuine. She also appears to be confident with herself, at least with her job. It totally blew me away when I learned just how much she lied and how good she was at it. I'm an ex-cop, ex parole officer and now I'm a fraud investigator. I'm good at reading people but, she really had me fooled.

 

Maybe, I wasn't on my guard as I wasn't working and didn't feel I needed to be but, my god, there wasn't any hesitation when she lied to me. She would look right into my eyes and be so dishonest.

 

She was so convincing with her words when she would tell me how much she was in love with me and she would never leave. I know actions speak louder than words. I just don't understand how somebody could throw around words such as "I'm in love with you, I don't ever want to lose you etc..." like they're a punchline to a joke.

 

And the hits just keep on coming.............

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm an ex-cop, ex parole officer and now I'm a fraud investigator. I'm good at reading people but, she really had me fooled.

 

Shoot. The kind of dishonest folks you’re accustomed to dealing with aren’t even very good at what they do ... which is why they got caught and eventually had to deal with you in the first place.

 

But there are people out there that are SO clever at the game that they can keep you bamboozled for months ... even YEARS before you discover just who it is you’re mixed up with.

 

YOU got lucky and dodged a proverbial bullet to the heart. Experience aside, even the most intuitive people get caught off guard every now and again. Unless you’re lucky enough to be clairvoyant, it’s hard to avoid the occasional run in with folks like this. NOT your fault for giving someone the benefit of the doubt until they prove no longer worthy. So don’t spend so much time trying to find fault with yourself where there is none.

[ncpd25]

Alright,

I've been thinking about my circumstances about my ex (above). I'm thoroughly annoyed with my ex and all of the compulsive lying she's done.

 

I have a profound interest in sending an email to her to let her know I found out about all her lies. People in the other forums are very dedicated to No Contact with an ex in order to heal.

 

I tend to agree with that in most respects however, I have a hugh desire to let my ex know that she's a compulsive liar. I was looking for some insight as to what people think about my sending an email to her.

 

Yes or No???

 

I look forward to responses............

[Gunny376]

Let it go! Leave well enough alone!

 

Just let it go!

[sumdude]

Alright,

I've been thinking about my circumstances about my ex (above). I'm thoroughly annoyed with my ex and all of the compulsive lying she's done.

 

I have a profound interest in sending an email to her to let her know I found out about all her lies. People in the other forums are very dedicated to No Contact with an ex in order to heal.

 

I tend to agree with that in most respects however, I have a hugh desire to let my ex know that she's a compulsive liar. I was looking for some insight as to what people think about my sending an email to her.

 

Yes or No???

 

I look forward to responses............

 

It's not going to change anything... right?

 

NC IS THE BEST WAY!!

 

Trust me on that.... I was NC for 2 months and called the ex to let her know about a couple family members passing away as a courtesy.. even that little contact threw me back just a bit.

[ncpd25]

I've been in NC for the past 7 weeks with no real desire to make contact with her. I guess It just bugged the hell out of me and I felt the need to let her know what kind of person she is.

 

Given, your advice, I will remain in NC.

[ncpd25]

Just wondering if any others have feelings or insight regarding when a divorced is finalized. Do negative feelings resurface or make you feel bad even if you've been seperated for some time??