Afriad To Ask For Things Being Assertive

[patrice]

I have this problem with being very a very passive person to the point that if someone is going somewhere to buy something and they even ask if i need anything i will just say no and go myself later, feeling that i will only be putting them out even more.

then lately i have dared to ask my boyfriend to get something for me and i watch him walk away to do it and i feel that he looks like an obedient little boy and i feel such tormenting guilt for having asked him.

 

i am trying to be somewhat more assertive by asking people for favours and letting them do things for me if they ask me, and trying to ask a little for from others without seeming pushy or bossy or needy. still i feel such awful guilt when i do this and i do not understand one lick where such strong feelings could come from. any ideas? has anyone ever been so passive, maybe that is not the right word even?

[Tony T]

Your behavior can be due to a number of things, low self esteem being the most likely. It's the feeling that you aren't worthy of having anyone give you anything or do anything for you.

 

However, I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that the above isn't quite it either. You are just one of that breed called "people pleasers" where you will go to all lengths to keep from being a burden to other people or putting them out in any way. This could just be a component of your core behavior...or you could be compensating for having been made to feel like a burden yourself when you were young.

 

Whatever the reason, it has nothing at all to do with being assertive. It has to do with being truthful to others about your real wishes and realizing that your needs are just as important as those of others.

 

My guess is that you have ommited the fact that you go out of your way to help or please other people....am I right? So what gives you the right to have the pleasure of doing things for other people yet robbing them of the pleasure to do things for you?

 

What you are doing is counter to every principle of living there is. We are brothers and sisters on this planet and we are here to help each other on this journey and make it as pleasant as possible. Allow others to help make things pleasant for you. That's part of their mission and you are screwing it up for them.

 

The only thing you can do is meditate on exactly why you are the way you are...why you don't think you are worthy of having people go out of their way for you....why you are so uneasy about having others do favors for you.

 

You are the complete opposite of a user...someone who has everybody do everything for them and sucks them dry. There is middle ground and I urge you to do what you need to do to get there.

 

Is this perhaps something you picked up from one of your parents? Sorry I can't speak to you for a minute or two or I would get to the bottom of this real fast. Meanwhile, shape up and make the changes you have to.

[patrice]

that was something and there were a couple things that you did hit home on, so i am impressed. one is that i would rather do things for others then have to do for me but then again it is the guilt that keeps me at bay from asking. the other is that i actually did feel like a burden to my family, i was literally the black sheep and nothing but trouble growing up whilst the rest of the gang succeeded in school and work, i dropped out at 15 and got pregnant at 16.

 

another thing too is that i do not really see myself as a people pleaser but more like a people pacifier, not even sure if that is the right word either. obviously i have a hard time explaining this because i just do not know the right words to explain myself. low self esteem could be a factor as well and feeling not deserving of the offers.

 

i guess that at times i do things for others when they ask me that i really do not care to do but i do anyway so i think they maybe feel the same too so i do not want to put them in that predicament.

 

this evening i asked my boyfriend if he would get the fan out of the shed for me whilst i was on the exercise bike and he did so and i could see him walking through the yard, though he had no qualm about it at all, it was me who did.

 

i felt so sad for him as i wathced him walk away and i know he felt no guilt nor shame but i felt it all for him. i will meditate on this some more, Lord knows how much i have been as well, but to no avail.

 

i do not want to be a bad sister to the sisters and brothers of the world so therefore i shall make an even greater effort to let them do for me what i can for myself as well in hopes that it will make them feel good too, and thanks so much for the analysis.

[patrice]

i was so much hoping that someone else would reply to me to see if they have had problems similiar to this and how they handled this.

[NEONINK]

Read about Co-dependency.

 

I'm the same way, but the problem with giving all the time, eventually you build up a resentment at the takers, and many relationships have been ruined over that very subject.

[Solren]

Patrice,

 

when i was younger I was terrified that if I asked for something that I was going to be told no. For example, I really wanted some water to drink. I was scared that the baby sitter would tell me no so I didnt ask. From there my "fear" has spanded to not calling friends because I might bother them or be a constant nuisance in their eyes. I had a secretarial job and i was afraid to use the phone. I hated when people called for something and I couldnt provide the info they needed nor was i comfortable in requesting venues or making appointments!

 

Gradually I have grown out of this (except for the phone deal *shudder*). I more or less just drilled it into my brain that other are just people to. There is no need to be afraid. I can do things just like others can. It just takes me a little more in pep talks for me to say, ask a question about a product I want to order.

 

Dont feel guilty if you ask a friend to do something. I am sure they wont mind.

 

One poster said that you maybe a people pleaser. I have discovered that I am. It started in junior high school. I have spent so much cash on people who arent really even friends but just aquaintances or what not. I like when people are happy but when I go out and spend a good chunk of cash on people just see it as niceness and nothing more...that gets me. Sometimes sly people will see how sweet you are and will use you for it. I got used more than once by a college friend. We were good friends and I lovedher dearly but soon it came down to her always wanting me to do stuff for her because she didnt have the time. I went from friend, to puppy to slave.

 

All it comes down to is building yourself up. You are an awesome person. You can do anything you set your mind do. Sure other people may look stronger or be excellent speakers but that doesnt mean you cant be either. it takes time to get to the point to where you want to be. For me I was fueled by anger because I got tired of being called sweet and nice but I didnt have any best friends and was always asked to do things for others because they knew I would do them.

 

(re-read all posts...) Dont feel guilty. If someone has a problem with what you may have asked or said they will let you know about it. If a friend is offering to go to the store and asks if you want something just tell them one or two items. They are asking because they want to save you the trip since they are already planning to go. Guilt will eat you alive so you have to get rid of it. Its a must especially in simple situations like these. Now if you were to give your friend a list of 20 items or so then i can understand a twinge of guilt because they would be spending most of their time looking for stuff on the list. BUT dont worry. Next time the boyfriend says you want anything just say yes and know that he loves you and is willing to do anything for you. He doesnt want you to hurt or be uncomfortable or anything negative. Just enjoy that people are willing to ask if you need anything done. The people around you care.

[reggio]

I think you are on the right path.

 

You are beginning to make a change and it will take time to adjust and adapt to it.

 

You have on of three anger (emotion) styles, being passive is very unhealthy and will lead to depression and other serious illnesses.

 

Just think, all your life you her passive and now you are trying to be assertive, give it time and practice on it. You will succeed and feel a lot better and more productive. This will naturally increase your self esteem and develop confidence.

 

I really wish you well and I hope you can do it!

[tattoomytoe]

well i went out o dinner w/ my bf and his parents...the host was going to seat us at a table near the door, and the [place was barely full. so i asked if we could please by seated further from the door. It was empowering!! i was gracious, said please and thank you.

 

Later on his mother said she was soo glad i asked that because she was to shy to.

 

sometimes starting out by working with group power, like WE if you have some other with you may help you get used to asking for you but other as well.

 

i also realized i sounded JUST like my mother, so act like your mother would.