Looking for the right person to ask

[steffany]

My relationship is getting serious and want to tell my parents. But I have a few questions first. But I want to run the senerio by someone who is simular to my parents to get an idea of exactly what I should say.

 

Sorry if this isn't making sence.

 

I guess I am looking for a parent late 40's early 50's. From a very close strong family. Your yougest child being a daughter.

 

I have a question that I have asked before on another board and the answers I got do not seem realistic to me. I want to search for the right person to ask.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Steffany,

 

I am a parent, just turned 40, with my youngest and (only) child being a daughter. I am also from a very close-nit traditional family and I have worked as a youth councilor.

 

However, I can not promise that anything I might advise would be something you're willing to hear. I'm a typical "parent" and one who can be described as "over protective" at best.

 

If you need someone to listen, there are many of us here. As to the advice you might receive...well, you'll have learn to process the information you get and decide what to do with it from there...

[quankanne]

am not quite yet close to my 50's, but I am the youngest child in a big family and VERY close to my folks ...

 

I think one thing that helped in my case was that I would share whatever I was doing with my friends with my parents, like "So and so and I went to the beach the other day" or "This person at work did this," so they got a fair idea of what was going on in my life or who I was hanging out with (all carefully edited though, I didn't want to scare them with our high-jinks!). And I'd mention the guys I dated, so they also got used to that ...

 

I kind of did things backwards when I got married, though -- my husband and I were friends for a while, but my folks didn't know much about him and so were very surprised when we eloped. But, to their credit, they were pretty good about it, I think mostly because they trusted me.

 

Have you mentioned you friend any to your folks, enough so that they have a sense that you're socializing with him? Are they aware of him? I think it will make the transition a bit easier if they're even the smallest bit familiar with him/the idea of him. Sort of along the lines of if you've talked about him all along, they're accustomed to the idea of him, and you guys getting serious might not come as a complete surprise (as it did in my case).

[steffany]

EnigmaXOXO

 

 

Thanks for the quick reply. Well the responses I have gotten related to this question so far is basically "forget what my family feels and do what I want, my family will come around"

 

My family is important and I want to keep the unity we have.

 

I am falling in love with a man of a different race and 12 years older. I know we don't have control over who we fall in love with but we do control the types of people we date.

 

I don't want to end this relationship. He treats me like a queen. I have never been treated like this before. And he is truley a great person. I adore the person he is. Even his "flaws" and "quirks" are attractions to me.

 

My father talked with me once while I was in high school telling me that if i wanted to date out of my race that he would like me to wait until i was older and could fully except everything that comes along with it. He said dating and youth should be fun and care free and he didn't want me to be hurt or burdened by some peoples ignorance and crudeness.

 

He also told me that when I would show up to his games and events where he was around his friends and peers and I would show up with my friends (many different races and religions) he sometimes didn't know if he should be proud of the beauty of my soul for accepting everyone or if he should feel a bit ashamed of what his peers thoughts were in their heads.

 

My mom is like me and just likes to keep harmony...she has never said anything for or against it other than she wished I wouldn't to make my life less difficult.

 

 

I just feel that the age and race may be two taboos too many. I would really like your point of veiw as if I were your daughter. A real mother's point of veiw.

 

Thanks!

[steffany]

quankanne

 

I do share almost everything with my family. My parents know of him. I take lots of pictures when I go places and I show them and point out who everyone is.

 

I have covered up some of our issues by saying a different name....or just "a friend".

 

 

So my mom is more involved than she is aware.

[quankanne]

Age and race can be a double whammy, but it sounds like you've got good, supportive parents who place your happiness above all else. While they will be concerned about how this will affect your life (and your sweetheart's, as well), above all else they probably are concerned that you are with someone who is good to you, who respects you and loves you as they love you ...

 

If they know him as your friend and have been okay with it, test the waters: ask them how they would feel if you were involved with someone outside your race or someone older than you. It sounds like your folks trust you, even admire you for chosing your friends for their quality of personality rather than what they look like, what they have or who they know.

 

They're always going to worry about you, simply by the fact that you are their child. But because they trust your judgment, they probably will find it easier to accept many of your choices or decisions because they know you well enough to say that you make them with much consideration. And that, I think, would include your getting serious with an older guy of another race.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It sounds like you have two wonderful parents who love you dearly and want only the best for you. It’s natural for them to want to protect you, and its also natural for you to want to live up to their expectations. But your parents are also “human” and are subject to same fears and insecurities as everyone else.

 

For instance, while your father is proud of your open-mindedness concerning your multi-cultural friendships, he also worries about what his friends might think of him . Like you, your father is also trying to live up to the perceived “expectations” of others. And we are all guilty of this in some form or another no matter how enlightened and wise we may think ourselves to be. Whether its within our peer groups, our own families, at the work place, or in our religious and ethnic communities, as social creatures it is essential to our emotional well-being that we have a sense of belonging. Our need for love, acceptance and approval is inherent, and RARE is the human being who can say in all honesty…“I don’t care what anybody else thinks.”

 

I think your relationship will present two underlying fears that most parents have. While your cultural differences may present you with some social hurdles, I think you could ease your parent’s fears by convincing them that you are strong enough and self-confident enough to handle whatever prejudice society might have regarding you and your partner. The age difference, on the other hand, may present a more serious problem.

 

Any parent (including myself) would question the objectives of an older man who showed romantic interest in someone so young. This should NOT be taken as an insult concerning your “worthiness” to be loved and desired…Nor should you misinterpret it as any doubt in regards to your maturity. Rather, you must understand that a parent’s role is to “protect” their children from those who might take advantage of their vulnerability, and the word “pervert” immediately comes to mind.

 

As a parent, I must confess that I too have chased away many of suitors from my daughter’s front porch. These were men who were in their 20’s while my daughter was still under the age of seventeen. It was easy for my daughter to feel flattered that such “grown-up” men (who had cars) were paying so much attention to her. At that age, she had already resolved that she was a “mature adult” who knew everything about the world and was entitled to “live her own life.” She was no longer interested in the high school boys because in her words, “they were boring and didn’t have anything to offer.”

 

Steffany, I can’t even tell you the terrible fights we had trying to protect Kayla from herself. She hated me, I embarrassed her, “I was ruining her life” as she so often put it. She’d push, and Mom pushed back harder. My job, as her parent, was to make sure she survived herself in spite of the consequences to our own relationship. I loved her so much (and still do) that I was willing to trade her love for her life.

 

Your own parents are not any different. They will go to hell and back to make sure “you survive yourself.” And while you may disagree about where you’re life is going, or whom you choose to date, always try to remember that a parent’s love is UNCONDITIONAL. No matter what you say or do, what kind of person you turn out to be, what choices you make, how much you may hurt them or betray their trust…they will always, always love you. For it is in a parent’s heart to love and forgive their children no matter what. And this kind of unconditional love you will never find anywhere else, not even in your romantic relationships.

 

With all that said, I would suggest talking to your parents about your situation. But there are no promises that what you have to tell them will come easy. Be prepared for the “parental reflex” as this may take quite some time for everyone to work through this. Just put yourself in their place for a moment and try to imagine how you might react if in their shoes. Perhaps this will help you better understand where their emotions are coming from and how you might react to anything that might be said in the heat of the moment.

 

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers…

[steffany]

I do have wonderful parents. I brag about them behind their backs all the time.

 

Yeah I never thought of my parents as being concerned what their peers would think. I always thought for some reason after a certain age you stopped caring. Boy I was wrong. Besides they were the hippie kind when young and their parents were against them being together too. Guess they just came across as not concerned with peers thoughts in my mind. But they have changed dramatically since I was young to now.

 

 

I know the age difference seems that way. And trust me I am not a dumb girl and have often asked myself simular questions. But the age difference really isn't apparent to most. Most people don't even realize his age. They just think he is bussiness savy.

 

I feel alot differently when a man who is of age to drink and go to bars dates someone who cannot and is still in high school. That bothers me much more than a woman who is out of college and 2 years into a career and is dating an older man. Mostly I have lots of friends of all kinds of ages....after a certain age I just stopped asking how old others were. It wasn't important to me.

 

I remember also many unpleasant moments when I was a teen. But I never talked back to my parents. I just listened and either continued on my path or choose a different one. I do remember thinking I didn't like my mom much. But we always made up and were out shopping and doing things together with in a day or two. I am the child that walks outside the lines and have been the cause of most issues and lectures. Not that my brother didn't do anything. It just seems like I was in the hot seat more often.

 

I do know my parents have unconditional love for me. And I don't want to take advantage of it. That is why I am asking these questions. I would almost turn my back on my own happiness to make them happy. I was the child that told lies not to keep from getting in trouble but to keep my parents happy. I knew what I did effected their relationship. I hated knowing I caused their relationship stress. They love eachother so much. And I have brought up issues that they have different opionions and points of veiws on that has put stress on their relationship. Sometimes I believe that God has made us the way we are for a reason. And things happen for a reason. And maybe I have been put here to show them something. Or maybe they are here to show me something. I am not sure.

 

Am I being selfish by waiting to see what happens between my boyfriend and I before I tell my parents? We have only dated for the last 7 months.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I was unable to gather from your post whether or not you were still in "high school." But given the fact that you are now a "legal adult"... two years out of college, I think your parents would not be so concerned about the age difference between you and your partner now as they may have been before. That gap seems to fade as we get older.

 

You'll feel when the time is right and I'm sure you'll tell them when BOTH of you are ready. It's not important (when you are an adult) whether or not Mom and Dad gets to meet everyone you date. But when you are in a loving and committed relationship, that is wonderful news you might want to share. They may even be more hurt that you kept it a secret from them. After all, while there may be some initial surprise, your happiness will always be the most important to them.

 

Your guy sounds absolutely wonderful and you should make sure to point that out to your parents. And if the two of them debate with each other over their "opinions" than that is hardly your fault. Couples do this all the time, especially as they get older and feel more comfortable expressing themselves to one another, and I hardly think it will cause their divorce! (ha ha)

 

You know, it is not always your responsibility to keep the peace. Sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish and go find some happiness of your own. And let me share a little personal history with you which help you find the courage you need as my parents are much like yours:

 

Coming from a traditional Italian family, my father was brought up with the notion that husbands and wives stayed together NO MATTER WHAT. Divorce was an absolute taboo and my father was "embarrassed" by what his family might think when my sister and I were going through ours. So ashamed in fact, that he kept it a "secret" from everyone. When the aunts and uncles would call and ask how we were doing...Dad would conjure up some story to cover up the "big family secret." The man was an absolute neurotic mess and everyone else would have handled the situation just fine if it weren’t for his over-reacting. You’d of though he was the one going through the divorce!

 

Mom, on the other hand, was much like your mother. She hardly ever spoke up and how she swallowed all his chauvinistic bull over the years is beyond me. The woman was a SAINT. But this was one of the rare occasions when she actually called my father on his behavior, saying that he was acting as if her were “embarrassed” by his own daughters. This led to a heated argument…one of those RARE occasions when my mother actually won! It did not cause the ruin of their marriage. In fact, my father actually picked up the phone and apologized for the way he had reacted. And when he finally “revealed the secret” to his brothers and sisters, they scolded him as well.

 

You see…while my mother was concerned only for the “happiness” of her daughters, my father’s reaction was based on his own personal insecurities…trying to live up to what he thought was everyone else’s “expectations.”

 

The older you get, the more apparent it will become that your parents are just as “human” as the rest of us. When they come down off of those shiny pedistools we put them on as children, you will be able to find humor in all of their flaws and imperfections. When you reach this point in your parental relationship, you will develop stronger bonds and mutual respect. It will be the time when you will “rise above” your parent’s example and learn from their mistakes. Heck, like my folks, they will eventually confide in YOU and ask for advice! And that “love” you have for each other will always be there…only stronger… because you have somehow managed to

survive “each other.”

[steffany]

Thanks for giving me your opinions! It really has helped me get a better understanding of what my parents may think and react and how I should handle it Thanks

[EnigmaXOXO]

Steppany, Is that your guy??!!

 

WOW...You two look great together! I was expecting him to have six heads or something!

 

Lets see: he's handsome, emotionally mature, financially stable, fun loving, treats you like a queen...so why are you hiding him?

 

If my daughter brought home someone like that, I'd wait until he wasn't looking and slap her a high-five (than start planning the wedding)

 

You are truly blessed with a great family, wonderful friends, a promising future and most importantly…someone in your life who loves you. Don't ever be ashamed of being blessed.

 

You must have done something really good....'cause someone up there sure does like you!

 

Take that man HOME and be proud…just as I’m sure your folks must be of you!

[steffany]

Oh no that is my ex and best guy friend! We took that picture the other day and he emailed it to me and I just thought it was a cute pic. But my parents did like him while we were together. Now they wish we weren't even friends.

 

But he would love to know you find him handsome. He is a great guy but it just didn't work out. I am daddy's only girl and youngest of the family...I like to be the princess. And he just didn't know how to communicate his feelings too well. He was great but I wanted something more. I'm a romantic. But I wouldn't trade his friendship in for anything!