LostMom Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 Hi, I am new here and hoping to find some advice. I will try to keep this short. I've been separated for 13 months. My H and I have two little girls, ages 3 and 5. We were together 8 years and the last few years, to make a long story short, we grew apart and were living like roommates- there were a lot of outside stressors and my H withdrew into himself and I felt unloved and ignored. I am the one who decided to leave, after literally years of trying to change the situation. I would have filed for divorce early on into the separation but could not afford it. We agreed we would consider ourselves divorced w/o papers until we could file. Throughout the last year H has not seen anyone else. I started seeing someone last May and it has turned into a serious relationship ~ this person is very attentive, loving, and romantic. He basically meets all the needs I wish H had when we were together and I have been happy. Over the last year H and I have stayed friends. Our marriage was never one of constant arguing, abuse, or any of that and we've tried to handle this as well as we can to minimize the effects on our kids. Despite all the time & me being involved with someone else, H really wants to try to make things work. He has agreed to go to counseling and says the separation has been a positive thing because it gave him a 'wake up call' and that he has changed and knows what is important now. My 5 yo daughter is having a very rough time with us being apart, even though she sees her daddy a lot and we are on good terms (so no fighting over the kids). At her 5th birthday party last week before she blew out her candles she said aloud that her wish was for us to all be back together again. We recently sold our house and in a few weeks I would have the money to file for divorce. I am having doubts, despite being happy in my current relationship and in love with the man I'm seeing. I want so much for my kids to be happy and I wonder if H and I could put our marriage back together and find each other again. So much time has passed that in many ways I feel like we don't know each other and would be starting over fresh ~ and maybe that's a good thing. I still love H and find him attractive. But I also have very strong feelings for the person I'm with, and he treats me better than anyone ever has. I've been seeing my own counselor for about a month and a half and trying to sort through all of these conflicting feelings. I can choose to either move forward in my life by divorcing H and continuing on with my new relationship, or I can stop seeing my BF and try to start over with H and date eachother & go to counseling. Is it crazy to think it could work after so long a separation? Has anyone ever gone this long and worked things out? If I went back and it failed I would have let go of something very special with my BF. I know I have to ultimately make this decision for myself, but WWYD? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 Hi, I want so much for my kids to be happy and I wonder if H and I could put our marriage back together and find each other again. You can always try. You'll never know unless you try. Is it crazy to think it could work after so long a separation? No, it could work. Has anyone ever gone this long and worked things out? Not me. If I went back and it failed I would have let go of something very special with my BF. Not really. Maybe this relationship is the one meant for you. Who is to say that things can't go bad with the husband and then you realize without a doubt that this is the one for you? If he loves you he'll give you time to figure things out. It's not now or never. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 I can choose to either move forward in my life by divorcing H and continuing on with my new relationship, or I can stop seeing my BF and try to start over with H and date eachother & go to counseling. Hi LostMom. I feel your pain because I have gone through a similar situation and no one can tell you what choice to make. But I must say this. Take your time and consider very carefully what both your head and your heart are telling you. Also I would really want to be sure your husband is capable of change and of sustaining that change for the next 20 years. You know him well; do you think he is capable of permanent change? Has he displayed any evidence of having made some basic changes..? And what about the BF?? Have you discussed any of this with him?? His thoughts?? Good luck with what ever choice you make... Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 Your husband seems like he loves you and wants to change...also you have two children with him. You say you BF treats you like no other does, but this could change overtime as you have been with him for only 13 months or less? Its up to you, but what if you BF turns out to be the opposite of what you expect (after you get a divorce?) You have to think of the long term and not get swayed by the fact that your BF is treating you very well..The real test comes after years, (in referenc to you current BF). Plus, right now he is simpy your BF, when things are not as committed as marriage/engagement, they may look smoother etc. However, it may get to a point where you may want to get married and he may not want to, or it may get to a point where he may not want to increase his commitment when the time comes I hope I do not sound biased against your BF, its just that in all honesty,you've been with your BF for a year or so , dont make a life time decision based on that. If your husband is willing to change after 8 years, are you willing to throw him away, the father of your 2 children because of a one year relationship that is not guanranteed( well nothing is certain on earth but im sure you know what I mean). Think carefully about it..only you know what sor of marraige you have/had and if you are willing to let it go or not.. GOOdluck but pls look in the longterm and dont be too distracted by your current BF because people do change..if your husband is willing to change/go for counselling after 8 years, it shows some level of love on his part. Are you sure your BF loves you?xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 Your husband seems like he loves you and wants to change...also you have two children with him. You say you BF treats you like no other does, but this could change overtime as you have been with him for only 13 months or less? Its up to you, but what if you BF turns out to be the opposite of what you expect (after you get a divorce?) You have to think of the long term and not get swayed by the fact that your BF is treating you very well..The real test comes after years, (in referenc to you current BF). Plus, right now he is simpy your BF, when things are not as committed as marriage/engagement, they may look smoother etc. However, it may get to a point where you may want to get married and he may not want to, or it may get to a point where he may not want to increase his commitment when the time comes I hope I do not sound biased against your BF, its just that in all honesty,you've been with your BF for a year or so , dont make a life time decision based on that. If your husband is willing to change after 8 years, are you willing to throw him away, the father of your 2 children because of a one year relationship that is not guanranteed( well nothing is certain on earth but im sure you know what I mean). Think carefully about it..only you know what sor of marraige you have/had and if you are willing to let it go or not.. GOOdluck but pls look in the longterm and dont be too distracted by your current BF because people do change..if your husband is willing to change/go for counselling after 8 years, it shows some level of love on his part. Are you sure your BF loves you?xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMom Posted October 31, 2007 Author Share Posted October 31, 2007 Thank you for the resposes. To answer a few questions: Tripper~ I'm not really sure about the changes because I haven't given him a chance to show me. For example, H wants to start dating again and show me he can put me first and make time for romance and get to know each other again. Then there is the whole sex issue, which was pretty nonexistent when we split. These things I could only know by dating H again. The things I have seen is he has never given up this past year and hasn't seen anyone else. He also has already called the ins. to set up counseling. Ninjaturtles ~ Some more info on my BF. We became friends in March and started dating in May. He actually is completely committed to me ~ he is basically waiting for me to get divorced so he can propose. He is moving a bit too fast for where I'm at, actually. He is older and has been alone for many years and he thinks I am "the one" for him and wants me and him and my kids to be a family. I have been completely honest with him from the beginning. I've also told him how I've struggled recently with these emotions. He told me he's already decided I am his "last first kiss" and "it" for him and he will be devastated if I leave, but that ultimately he wants me and the kids to be happy, even if that's not with him. I do think if I asked him to give me some time apart to work through this and be sure what I want that he would agree but I think it would break his heart. Thanks again for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 okay...I can understand why you are in a Dilemma....I guess you need to make the final decision for yourself...could you give it more time for thoughts before choosing? Who do love more? Who do you see yourself living with in the longterm..If only we could tell the future(sigh). Its a tough decision, because you could either stay with your BF and it could turn out to be the better choice..or you could go back to your husband, hoping for him to change... I guess if you had been with you BF for longer, It would have been a bit easier to decide..This is because men can be strange creatures, husband or no husband...Iv seen men change from being totally loving to being the complete opposite...only time will tell ..only time... I guess the fact that you've known your husband for longer- kind of 'the devil you know is better than the angel you don't...but who knows?? Ultimately you need to make this decision yourself...put into consideration every factor, think carefully about it, dont rush it if you can..get advice if you can and then decide.......its hard but i guess you need to decide.. still, you met your boyfreind in March and started dating in May..thats not a very long time...Maybe iv just heard so many stories about men and thier horrid ways, but there is a possibility you dont know him well enough yet....I hope you see my reasoning.. Dont forget that most of us here, who have dumped started off in loving relationships. My ex was totally loving, i thought he loved me more than I loved him...(i was that confident)..nevertheless it took time to show that only time really tells who will last and who will not...so dont base your decision solely on the way your BF behaves towards you. I hope i have not managed to confuse you more...but goodluck in whatever you do...xxxxxx Link to post Share on other sites
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