can I get her back?

[sadguy]

Hello all I am brand new to the site, here is my situation.

I was with my Ex-girlfriend for 4 years. We got together when she was 16 and I was 19. We had lived together for the past 2-1/2 years. We even moved all the way across the country together. We had a great relationship and were very much in love. She treated me like a king. I thought for sure that she was my soul mate, I loved everything about her. We had the same interests and beliefs about almost everything and almost never argued. We never got sick of each other no matter how much time we spent together. Her family loved me and my family loved her. We recently went on a trip to Thailand, where I was going to ask her to marry me, but I chickened out. Anyway we have now been broken up for 2-1/2 months. Heres how it happened. For a few years we talked about moving out from together and getting our own places, so that we would have some of our own time, so we could get prettied up for each other and not have to be gross around each other. But we always decided that we loved each other too much and would miss each other too much. So we never did it. I think we were both feeling like we were missing out on something since we had gotten together when we were so young and lived like a married couple, but we had never talked about it. But I got over that and realized she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I was completely happy with her and my life. I think I was too happy, that I got too comfortable in the relationship and started to take her for granted. (Although I only see that now in hindsight.) So one day she mentioned us getting separate places again. I blew her off, and she said that she would probably miss me too much anyway. Then she kept bringing it up, but let me stress that she was not talking about breaking up! I had no idea what was about to happen (only in hindsight I can what was happening) so she helped me look for places. She was excited and said she would be over all of the time and that made me excited too. She told me to get the house with the month to month lease because she would not be able to stand me living apart from her and would want me to move back in.

 

So I rented it, then came the first night to stay there, she wouldn’t stay with me, I thought that was really weird. She came over the next day and told me that maybe we should take a break from each other, and then she left. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had no idea she felt that way. I got really upset and called her that night. She didn’t answer, which is odd because she always answers her phone. So I drove over to her (our) house only to find a strange car in the driveway. SORRY THIS IS GETTING REALLY LONG

To make a long story short, that guy is her boyfriend now. After that incident, she said she was sorry and would stop seeing him out of respect for me because it was so soon. So I believed her and went over there a few weeks later to pick up our dogs. I rang the doorbell and she didn’t answer, so I went in. She came out of our bedroom in her underwear and closed the door behind her. I asked her what she was doing, and she said sleeping, I asked If I could come lay with her and she said no. I asked her if someone was in our room and she looked at me funny. I went up and opened the door and there was that same guy in OUR bed in his underwear! I just left. I couldn’t believe it. It hurt so badly. I felt completely destroyed, shattered.

 

So it has been 2 months since that and, although I feel a little better I still think about her every day. What we had was really special. I can’t believe she just threw it all away. Obviously she must have been seeing this guy for a while. But she swears she never cheated on me, I don’t know whether to believe her or not. She also swears that he was not the reason she broke up with me. I still think about her every day, I want her back so bad, but what she did was so cruel. I don’t know why but I want to forgive her. She still calls me; it’s hard to talk to her. I just don’t know how she could move on so fast. I have tried dating other girls, but it is unfulfilling, I compare them to her but they don’t stack up. She told me that she felt our relationship was finite. I know I should have asked her to marry me sooner, but I didn’t expect her to pull something like this. Anyway Im babbling and babbling. Am I wrong to want her back? I just can’t picture my future without her. I know that she is really confused right now. She tells me that she crys all the time misses me. Which makes it harder for me. I even find myself driving by her house, only to see his car there, which only hurts me more, (stupid).

[quankanne]

sounds like she's very much ready to move on, but doesn't know how to quite cut those last few threads that hold you to her, because she doesn't want to hurt you.

 

however, if you've found her in bed with another man, I think it's your sign to wake up and smell the coffee. What you had with her have may well been something special, but it's over. While it's still special to you, it's stopped being special to her long ago.

 

how you feel (wanting her back) is neither right nor wrong. But how is begging someone to come back to a relationship they no longer want beneficial to you? As hard as this is, it's time for you to move on, to let the grieving process run its course, and start looking for other women to date. What you had with her was in the past, and that's where it needs to stay.

[tanbark813]

"Am I wrong to want her back?"

 

Yes.

 

This needs to become your mantra from here on out: Actions speak louder than words.

 

Repeat that to yourself as many times as it takes to burn it into your brain. What she says is just BS sugarcoating to make herself look better and--possibly--to try to lessen the pain for you.

 

Bottom line:

1. She wanted to get seperate places. No woman does that who truly wants to be with her man. She wanted her privacy so she could do things in private. Simple as that.

2. She had another guy in her bed. Come on now, that has to be the most blatantly obvious sign there is. It doesn't get any clearer than that.

3. She said your relationship was finite and you should have asked her to marry you. That's a big steaming pile of BS. That's an excuse she's using so she can put the blame on you and lessen the guilt for her.

 

I understand your pain, and it's hard to think clearly when you lose a person you love so much, but bro, she doesn't want you. It's been over in her mind ever since she suggested getting seperate places. Don't let the crying or nice words fool you. She just wants a spare d**k laying around just in case this other guy leaves her. The sooner you realize girls aren't these sweet, little, innocent creatures, the better off you'll be.

 

So call your boys over, crack open some beer, watch the Tao of Steve, and begin the healing process. Good luck, bro, my heart goes out to you..

[NEONINK]

And chances are, at 23, you may go through this pain few more times before you finally marry.

 

Or, you can get married too early in your life, and end up divorced at 29 like I did...

 

Also, if you are out dating and nobody stacks up to your ex, you aren't ready to date yet. Take a breather, go to the gym, take some long walks, read a few books, find some friends.

 

Otherwise, you might overlook somebody that would be great for you once you have fallen from the "ex spell". When I date before I'm ready, I'm miserable and so is my date.

[sadguy]

Thank you all. I find myself remembering only the good things about her, and forgetting the bad. Why is that?

 

She was not only my girlfriend, but my best friend. It is hard to handle loosing someone so close. I feel betrayed. i suppose I just need to take a break from dating for a while. When it first happened I went out to the bars, and partied every day with all of my friends. But all that did was mask my feelings so that I didnt have to deal with them. Now Im Working alot, and working out, and trying to do active productive things, which is helping, but it is still going to be hard to get over this.

 

I wish she would have just been honest with me, it still would have hurt, but it would have been alot better.

 

So should I just go cold turkey? not answer her calls etc?

[stewh]

I know exactly what you mean.

 

I have lost the love of my life who I considered to be my soulmate and best friend.

 

I am hopefull and believe that the split won't be permenant.

 

Everyone tells you to move on and that things will get better. But for me I can't move on because I still love my ex too much to let go after being together for 9 years. For the first week I went out with my friends every night to keep busy. I hated it. All I could think about was how much I prefered spending time with my ex.

 

I don't intend on going out and dating someone else to help me move on as it would not be fair on them or me. There will never be anyone to compare with my ex. She was the only one for me.

 

I am doing the same as you keeping my self fit by going to the gym, playing squash and cycling. I am going to get a new wardrobe and go out and make sure that she has to look twice when she sees me.

 

She wants us to be friends and after thinking about this I am going to be just that for her. I will always be there when she needs me but I won't go out of my way to make contact. She can do that if she really meant it.

 

I think that over a period of time if I hang in there she will work things out in her head and realise what we had together was so special and want to start it again.

 

She is seeing somebody else at the moment but I really do think that it is a rebound relationship and I can't see it lasting.

 

I hope everything works out for you because I have experienced exactly the same pain and hurt over the past weeks. I never would have imagined how bad you could feel from a relationship break up.

 

Good Luck.

[km82794]

Although I totally feel for you, I too have to say wake up and smell the coffee hon.

 

As a woman I can pretty much guarantee you that this other guy was already in the picture from the very first time she suggested the "let's get our own places thing" to you.

 

Her new found friend being at your old apartment the very first night you moved was b.s., I guarantee you, she already knew him.

 

What you have was a case of letting you down easy. She may love you, but it sounds like she's not in love with you. There is a difference.

 

I've spent 3 years with the same guy who I am absolutely in love with. We have lived together for the last 2 1/2 and never would I ever suggest living apart.

 

My advise to you is for-getta-bout-er. Hook up with your friends, work, do whatever you have to do to get this girl out of your system.

 

Trust me, if she did it once to you, she WILL do it again. You are better off without her.

 

Just remember one thing, love shouldn't make you sad!

 

Good luck to you!!!!

[sadguy]

Ive got to stop talking to her. She'll call me occasionally, lots of the time I am strong enough to not answer, but I want to talk to her so bad that Sometimes I do answer.

 

She called Friday and I ended up talking to her for about an hour. It was mostly just small talk, every time I tried to bring somthing up she would just change the subject. She told me to look at a yacht that she was going to buy on the internet. (she has more $ than she knows what to do with) I told her that I was sad because we could have had alot of fun with it.

 

She said, "well you know were going to get back together"

 

What the hell is she talking about, she has her new boyfriend still. The sweet talking Italian pretty boy!

[flower]

Sounds like she cannot make up her mind between the 2 of u!

[Heaven]

Hi!

First of all, I guess I wanted to remind you that you make your own hapiness. Some people may be borne with lesser gifts than others, but each one of us is provided with just enough to be able to use for our survival and hapiness...

It is hard and I may sound hard also, but you have to accept that "she" does not love you anymore. If she did before, she does't anymore now. Her sudden change of feeling toward you may be caused by a lot of things, which I don't exactly know, but judging from what you have posted... I can clearly sensed that she stopped loving you. I know you feel it... But in this case, you don't want to feel it.

She cries everytime she misses you? That's true. All of us do. Why? Because we are human. It is our humanness that makes us capable of feeling different emotions. If you did not feel the heartache for a long time, it's a sure sign that you don't really love her.

My best advise would be: DETACHMENT. Detached yourself from her... everything that would remind you of her and everything that would draw you to her. We are built to feel certain things when we are attached to people. And staying away from the object of your attachment will surely do you more good in the long run... It will be good for you to be apart. Well, the thing is, you have to be firm to your decision... A decision that you primarily have to do for yourself. Everything is but a matter of self discipline. To detach is not an easy task to do. But self-discipline will get you into a certain point- because you are human.

The situation where you are right now happened to me also. I've been into a relationship for 8 years and my ex-boyfriend left me for another girl (who he claimed prettier... JERK!). We already have plans of getting married and everything... I really do not know the cause of his sudden change...

Well, I am now in the process of accepting that he doesn't love me anymore. Because if he still do... he will never leave me or even entertain the tought of it.

Try to rediscover your true worth as person, apart from him (that's what I am doing). If you can learn to love yourself and see your own worth, you won't have to depend on other people's love or approval to be happy.

Do not worry a lot... Assure yourself that you will come out of it stronger! The more tears you shed... the happier you will be in the end. Remember, time heals all wounds. That has been proven and tested. Let's look forward to that.

 

GOD BLESS.