Have i lost her completely?

[amazed]

People are probably getting sick of my posts by now. But i cant help it, i feel the advice here can be meaningful.

 

We were together 2 years and split up over a month ago. We're both 20. We were both each others first serious relationship, and each others only sexual partners. I had previously said on here we were going out for drinks together in a few weeks. People said i should give her space.. i didnt.

 

Tonight on msn i basically asked her if we could make it a date. Paranoia got the better of me, fear that id lose her to someone else. All because i saw her speaking to someone else on msn, who i think she may be attracted too.

 

I told her that i still love her and that im sure she still loves me, somewhere. I dont believe her love for me can just "change", as she put it, all of a sudden. I ended up basically writing her a letter and asked her to read it. It explained completely how i felt about her, that i find it hard not seeing her as my baby anymore, but it also explained how ive matured and tried to work on the faults that pushed her away in the first place.

 

She said she understands but still doesnt love me. And i cant change that. I said i bet if we had just met and the past was taken out the equation, she would let me take her out and we would fall in love all over again. She didnt disagree but said the past does matter.

 

Ive been trying so hard to get this girl back. If i try to just leave things it feels like somethings eating at my heart. I really cant take it. I know i love her. I explained how i felt and how much it hurts that she doesnt love me, or find me sexually attractive anymore. She said thats how she felt at times in our relationship. That i didnt return her love and didnt make her feel sexy. I wish i could go back into the past and change things, but i cant, i told her things would be different if we gave it another chance. She still refused, she also says i havnt even tried to move on.

 

I told her that if she did feel something for me she would push it down and keep it hidden.. she said she wouldnt, she would embrace it.

 

After a while she got upset and angry and blocked me on msn, told me she didnt want to see me again, it was too hard, and that she didnt want to speak or be friends. It took a few text messages and emails to get her to come back on. She didnt want to talk about us and wanted to change the subject. I told her i value her as a friend and if she ever needs someone to talk to ill be here.

 

This is hurting me so much. I love her and she loved me. I wish things could go back and i could show her just how much she means to me. I dont know if ive blown things completely.

 

Is there any way i can get her back? No contact isnt really an option as i see her 3 days a week at university. I drive her in and i cant make her get the bus. When i dont speak to her for a length of time it really hurts. I cant even explain it but i assume some people already know.

 

Ive sort of blown the original drinks as friends thing. Im going to see if she'll agree again if i ask her.

 

If we are barely in contact will she have time to miss me? Its been over a month, is it too late for this? Ive tried letting her know how i feel. This doesnt work. I fear that i have well and truely blown things with this girl, who i love with all my heart, but cant seem to find it in hers to love me back.

[jerbear]

It starts like the self realization phase of her getting to know herself as a single person. At age 20 and being in a university, it is pretty easy to meet people. As one gets older, it gets a little harder to meet people.

 

After 1 month, your results may vary depending on how deep, when was the last contact?

 

If you drive her to the university, are you still doing it?

 

There is not much you can do if she is that determined to not give it a chance. In fact you seem to be pursuing her which pushes her away even more. You are between a wall and losing her; in my opinion, you have been pushing her away. Let her come to you; she already knows how you feel.

[amazed]

Thank you so much for the reply. Ive been trying to pull her towards me.. without luck. I guess i fear she is looking for someone else, something different.

 

Its been a month since we broke up, last contact was.. well.. tonight. Should i give her space for around another month?

 

She does indeed know how i feel, but says she doesnt feel the same. It may take her meeting someone else, and it not working, for her to see that what she had with me was something special. But seeing her with someone else would hurt me so much.

 

I want her to be able to see this without meeting someone else. Perhaps if i lay off and get on with life, she'll form an attraction to me again. Ive wanted her to come to me.. i guess im just impatient when its something this important to me, when i fear she may never feel the same.

 

I feel that we are meant to be together. I dont think she feels the same anymore.

 

I guess i felt better after letting her know how i feel. Afterall we are still talking, even if i have caused more damage. Ive told her ive changed.. but that probably doesnt mean anything to her just now.

 

Im sure that if i gave it time and she didnt meet anybody else, we would be able to make things work. But she is a very attractive girl with an incredible personality.. so other guys are going to be attracted to her.

 

Yes i still drive her into University. She said she'll get the bus. But ill offer to drive her in again, she'll probably accept. I dont have it in me to let her get the bus, when im going to the same place at the same time.

 

I guess right now i think i should do as you've pretty much said. Leave her alone and hope she comes to me. She knows ive looked at our relationship and that i know where we've went wrong. The problem being she is a very proud and stubborn woman. She will have to know for sure that she wants me, before she even mentions being us again.

[jerbear]

Since you still drive her, you can still get an in. I'm NOT saying this will be a 2nd chance and don't take it as such. I would suggest being quiet when you drive her. Just listen and not pursue.

 

In my opinion, I would start letting her go and let her take the bus. You are being to available to her, she doesn't know how to miss you.

 

What happens when tests and class schedules change?

 

I think limited contact and being less available would be good for you. She might miss you or just find someone else. Either way it is hard to risk letting someone go.

[amazed]

If tests and class schedules were to change, she wouldnt allow me to drive her in. It would be going out my way for her and she doesnt want this. She only allows me to because its not really going out of my way -and we are in the same classes until january. She also gives me money for petrol, which i reluctantly accept.

 

I probably shouldnt have said anything to her tonight. We seemed to be getting on fine. I was lightly flirting with her. Things seemed to be looking on the up. This was only a couple of days after our last discussion about our relationship and my last rather pathetic attempt to win her back.

 

If i wasnt to mention it after a couple of weeks, we could either be on the way to recovery, or i could be losing her for good. Its a risk im probably going to have to take. Ive been trying to ready myself up for her having another guy.. and i guess thats what led to tonights explosion of emotion. She however assured me there is nobody else.. the thing that gets to me is im sure she met the person i saw her speak too on a dating site, yet she says hes just a friend.. and hid the conversation on msn from me.

 

I really want to confront her about it. But this would just lead to more problems. She has already told me twice hes just a friend and currently she has no reason to lie to me (unless shes trying to protect me, which i doubt right now). Im just going to ride out the waves and wait till things calm, then see what happens from there. When i speak to her ill make sure i dont get into anything heavy about us and i wont let her think im pushing her.

[jerbear]

She has lost interests by having that friend.

 

Paying part of the petrol money is a nice gesture by her and being friendly. Seems like you two can be friends and started as friends. get it.

 

We'll just be yourself without the heavy stuff, when she moves on, you'll be ready.

 

If she is hiding the conversatin that is a step out the door. Sorry to hear that but end game. Don't confront her, it would just push her away. Be yourself and just let it be. Don't let that bother you.

 

I would suggest you get out more often and just be friendly if not friends with her. She'll be around but with reduced contact. One day that contact will just disappear.

[amazed]

Thing is im not sure why she was hiding the conversation from me.. obviously i fear the worst. I wish i had seen what was being said. It may have just been friendly and she felt it was none of my business.

 

She knew i was curious to know who he was. I asked first jokingly. Then she realised i was fazed by it. She assured me he was just a friend. Before id seen his name mentioned on a social networking site. She told a friend she met him on a dating site and he was cute.. But she told me he was a friend of a friend.. odd because on the same site these 2 friends dont have each other listed as being friends. She lied to me about who he was, perhaps to protect me.

 

This is what led to my outburst tonight. The fact i think she lied to me. I want to ask her now. Im tempted to fish for information from her, let her know i know that she lied.. and ask why, but im not sure it would do any good. I feel that she still has enough respect for us to tell me when she is considering seeing someone else. I dont think she would do that to me.

 

Im still going to try and leave things. See what happens. Ive tried and nothing goods come of it.

[jerbear]

Yeah, those outbursts are not very nice and doesn't help you either way.

 

If she said he is cute; yeah, you've lost her. I would just expect the worse and hope for the best.

 

You're stuck between staying and leaving. It is not easy to stay and not easy to just walk away. She's already checked out.

 

Depending on your major / concentratin; I would suggest learning about execution phase. Go limited contact and just move on.

 

There is no way to change a woman's mind

[alwayshurt]

I read your posts and my guess is you have already lost this girl....at least for now.

Also, hard as it may be for you, I think she has something going on with that guy and the fact she's hiding it from you is pretty normal because she knows that by telling you she then would have to take all the s****t from you and for her it is a stress. It is already a srtress that you are pursuing her and you should appreciate her (her friendship) if she is still around and letting you drive her to college. She likes and respects you but no as you would want.

 

If I were you, I would cut any possible contact and move on. This is the only way you can heal yourself and have a chance for her to come back. If that happens it would be long time from now and hopefully you will have moved on.

Man, I had a simila situation one year ago. She dumped me and I pursued her as you arr doing now trying to make her understand how a different person I was until she completely disappeared from me. I wish i had known this site back then. I probably would have got me another chance. I didn't and lost her....for ever. But I learnd my lesson and now I am here, heart broken again, but I am not doing anything to win her back. I am leaving her space and if she wants to come back to me she ahs to do it at my own terms. I did not do anything wrong to her so there is no negotiation.

 

You may use the advises from this site to avoid all mistakes that many people make trying to win their exes back. Rememeber whatever you tell her or how nicely you put it, it is only seen as a nice gesture by you. For her it is just annoying and it is definetely killing any attraction she may have left from you.

Be wise and let her go. It only going to save you lots of pains...trust me.

[wowIlose]

Oh how I feel your pain. I bled my heart out after our break up and it did nothing but push her away. I did at least give her bursts of NC but usually after a week broken it in fear that she might start seeing someone else which I know she is going to be since I found she is interested in a particular guy. Of course like your ex she reassured me he was just a friend (even though hes kissed her in the past) lol what a joke eh?

 

Anyway, I have since cut off all contact, and plan too for as long as it takes to get over her. As much as I want her back I would rather just be over her. I am not there yet but I know if I can maintain NC for long enough (months) I'll be over her. Meanwhile I suggest you keep yourself busy. I have been going to the gym like a maniac since our break up to release anger and stress and its really starting to show.

 

When I am finally over her and able to see her I want her to see the best me she's ever seen. Physically, mentally and financially.. it's not going to be an attempt to get her back but rather for my own satisfaction and a little bit of revenge when she ends up eventually realizing what she let go and I know she will one day but it will be to late..

[amazed]

My main problem is that im sure i love this girl, ive never been more sure of anything in my life. But i guess im going to have to let her go, begging and pleading wont do any good. If she meets someone.. my loss and it will hurt, but life goes on. If an oppertunity came up and we could get back together, right now i would. But after ive healed, gotten over her? Would i set myself up for the fall again? Yes.. i probably would.

 

Im tempted to start going to the gym, i work in a hotel with good leisure facilities. So its not like id have to pay for a membership.

[jerbear]

My main problem is that im sure i love this girl, ive never been more sure of anything in my life. But i guess im going to have to let her go, begging and pleading wont do any good. If she meets someone.. my loss and it will hurt, but life goes on. If an oppertunity came up and we could get back together, right now i would. But after ive healed, gotten over her? Would i set myself up for the fall again? Yes.. i probably would.

 

Well we are human, just dont' fall for the 3rd time. You don't happen to work at Hotel Babylon (tv show)? In the meantime, heal, move on, and life continues.

 

Im tempted to start going to the gym, i work in a hotel with good leisure facilities. So its not like id have to pay for a membership.

Great idea!

[amazed]

Just a small update. The guy she was speaking to on msn hasnt spoken to her since then. She probably would have went out on a date with him.. but hes not contacted her, so she thinks hes a bit of a dick and isnt interested. They did meet on a social networking website, but he did also know her other friend. So she wasnt lieing too me.

 

I sort of partly asked her, but heard most of it when she was talking to a friend. She told me the truth, she had never lied. I said i was scared incase she was saying things to protect me, or out of fear of my reaction, which i wouldnt want. Doubt shes happy that i asked her.. but she'll get over it.

 

Also today she saw me looking at her when she stretched. She sort of went in the huff, saying i never looked at her like that when we were together, "so dont start now", and that it makes her feel awkward. I apologised and said the last thing i want to do is make her feel awkward.

 

Anyway as far as i now know there is no other guy. She doesnt love me.. and i dont see her again until Monday. I dont think ill contact her, ill give her space.

 

Even after Wednesday night shes still talking to me and still wants to be friends. I think it shows she still values me.. even if it is only as a friend. I just need to stop making an arse of myself. I think im going to completely lay off her for a while.. give her space and see what happens. For some reason i cant help but think she still has feelings for me and shes just confused. She was also physically attracted to me for the entire duration of our relationship and before, so i dont think that could have changed much. Maybe if i give it a couple of weeks things will be different.

[jerbear]

Also today she saw me looking at her when she stretched. She sort of went in the huff, saying i never looked at her like that when we were together, "so dont start now", and that it makes her feel awkward. I apologised and said the last thing i want to do is make her feel awkward.

Next time don't apologize, why should you apologize for being yourself?

 

Maybe if i give it a couple of weeks things will be different.

 

Good idea and good luck!

[Amy22]

 

If I were you, I would cut any possible contact and move on. This is the only way you can heal yourself and have a chance for her to come back. If that happens it would be long time from now and hopefully you will have moved on.

Man, I had a simila situation one year ago. She dumped me and I pursued her as you arr doing now trying to make her understand how a different person I was until she completely disappeared from me. I wish i had known this site back then. I probably would have got me another chance. I didn't and lost her....for ever. But I learnd my lesson and now I am here, heart broken again, but I am not doing anything to win her back. I am leaving her space and if she wants to come back to me she ahs to do it at my own terms. I did not do anything wrong to her so there is no negotiation.

 

You may use the advises from this site to avoid all mistakes that many people make trying to win their exes back. Rememeber whatever you tell her or how nicely you put it, it is only seen as a nice gesture by you. For her it is just annoying and it is definetely killing any attraction she may have left from you.

Be wise and let her go. It only going to save you lots of pains...trust me.

 

I agree with alwayshurt. I was dumped by my highschool sweetheart when I was 21. We had dated for 5 years. I was a mess and contacted him all the time. Trying to say something else that would make him realize he had to come back. We never got back together. I drove him crazy. It also took me much longer to get over him because I was always hoping and trying. I wish I could have been strong. It would have saved me a lot of pain. It is hard but you can do it. Good Luck